This Christmas Morning...

So while the kids are still are tucked in their beds, with dreams of sugar plums dancing in their heads I thought that I would write this early Christmas morning. I love the feeling of Christmas, especially now because of the kids. All of the excitement and anticipation is there all over again waiting for Santa to come and to open presents in the morning. But for this year I am thinking more and more of how happy I am to be here with my little makeshift family and how much I love them.

It's nice to get presents but to watch how happy my family is around this holiday season is so much better and it makes me so happy. I am just thankful for so much, not gifts, but for the love that I feel from others. A family that is not even my own and also my own. It's a wonderful feeling and it's nice to know that the love is there year around and not just at Christmas time.

So I hope that those of you that will be reading this think of those in your life that make it all the more rewarding this Christmas, but also are able to recognize your family and friends love and appreciation all year round.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night...

~M

Imagine...

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

"Imagine" ~ John Lennon

On the anniversary of his death, he will never be forgotten.

~M

Birthday Wishes...

Well the day has come and past...and looking back the day after it was better than I even wrote in my previous blog.

I didn't wake up to tons of post it notes around the house telling me Happy Birthday or I Love You...but I did wake up to the Cisco telling me Happy Birthday 27 times and smothering me with kisses and hugs that morning.

I didn't have a cup of Decaf Vanilla Latte from Starbucks waiting for me in the morning either...but I had a wonderful cup of hot coffee the Cisco made me entirely out of love, it even came in a "You are Special Today" mug.

I did go to work with my little crown perched on top of my head. I even went to school with it on. I think I wore it all day until I got home that night.

I did go to work and have a wonderful breakfast made entirely for me from Olivia.

I had a special breakfast that Anthony made me later that day too!

I didn't get my birthday card that morning but I did get two really cute E-Cards from the Cisco and from my bestest friend.

I was serenaded by Olivia's school choir with Christmas music when I attended the best concert of the year.

I didn't get flowers delivered to work but I was surprised with them sitting on the counter at home when I walked in the door.

I also got to indulge in a wonderful Cappachino cake with only three candles instead of the horrifying 27 that would have burned down the house.

I had one of the funniest birthday cards that I have ever had in my life from my love and two custom made cards from my kids.

I received a present that was totally unexpected...a past, present and future ring from my hunny.

I had a wonderful birthday, the week was full of travel, shows, love and happiness. I think it was the best birthday that I have ever had and it is a birthday that I will cherish till the end of time. Even if I didn't get any of those things I know that I have the love of my family, kids, and hunny around me all of the time. Material things can't beat that, even though I really like what I got for my birthday, it makes me happy to know that I am loved like that.

Here's to growing wiser, smarter and happier...not older.

~M

Thanksgiving in San Francisco...

Day One ~ Wednesday, November 22

It was a great day for a drive. I decided that Anthony should just stay out of school and he could help Cisco clean up the house and get his little bag packed for the trip that we were about to embarq on. I went to work for a couple of hours and went to go get some lunch for us before we left. We packed up the car, played musical vehicles and then finally started driving around 1:30pm. The original plan was to leave around 11:30am, I knew that wasn't going to happen though. My secret thought was that Anthony and Cisco were playing XBox for a better part of the morning instead of getting ready like I told them to. It's ok though, because we atleast got out of the house before the sun started going down. We drove into a little town named Hanford, CA. We found the hotel, got into jammies and Anthony and Cisco decided to mess up one of the beds by playing in it for most of the evening. It was fun though. We watched the end of Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire and watched some of the Garfield movie. I think I turned off the T.V. around 12:30am and Anthony was still up watching T.V. 2:30am brought on the wakeup call of the century. The hotel is located within a mile of a railroad track and this train had it's horns blowing. My eyes opened rather wide and I was AWAKE at the sound of this stuff. It was a true, My Cousin Vinny moment. There were several thoughts that went through my mind that night. I think the train blairing it's horn went on until about 5:30am, that was the last I remember hearing of it. I was more that a little bit tired the next day.

Day Two ~ Thursday, November 23 ~ Thanksgiving Day

It was really nice on this day. I thought that it would be really cold but it wasn't. We started driving toward San Francisco around 9:30am and got there at about 12:30pm. It was a nice drive. There was a lot of traffic, I had never been somewhere else for Thanksgiving or atleast never had to drive somewhere for Thanksgiving before so it was a totally new experience. It was nice when we got to our destination. It wasn't as cold as I thought it would be up there. I was so ready for a nap when we got to Olivia's aunt's house. But then it was time to visit and help out with whatever I was asked to help with, which wasn't much. Things were pretty much done. It was time to get ready for dinner not too long after we arrived. Got the clothes ironed, the kids ready and myself and Cisco as well. There were a lot of people that came to dinner. Things were so nicely decorated. The tables had name places at the seats, glasses, flowers, everything. It was a nice spread. There was the traditional things served as well as pomagranate cosmos, yummy. We ate, visited, ate dessert, and then played some cards. I was toast by the time we went to sleep.

Day Three ~ Friday, November 24

A day in the city. Cisco wanted to go and visit the 'witchcraft in San Francisco so we drove out there in the morning. I have never seen such a complicated parking lot to get into than the one that is located across the street from the Westfair Mall. You have to get in line with your car on the other side of the block and then wrap around to get into it. That was about a process of around 1/2 an hour. Once we finally got into the parking lot it was smooth sailing. We had lunch at the 'witchcraft and then went into the mall. This thing was huge. It was atleast 7 stories. It wasn't a long building though, just high. There were a lot of stores, but I hate going to a mall that I'm not familiar with because I don't know where my favorite stores are located and I always feel awkward going to a mall with Cisco, because I am in the mood to look and window shop but I always feel like he is just tapping his foot. He doesn't say anything, that's just me. We took Anthony to see Santa while we were there and then went out to the street and started walking looking for more stores to go to and look around. Let's keep in mind that this was on Black Friday, so it was some sort of a nightmare. We walked up to the Disney Store and Anthony got himself a little toy, since he was so cold I had to buy him a hat there too. Cisco wanted to look in Williams Sonoma for some stuff for work and right next door was Tiffany's so I went there. I bought myself a sterling silver bracelet for my Birthday, it's so pretty. We walked over to the Westin, I don't remember the name of it, but it's really old. We went in and grabbed something to eat and drink and then headed back to the car because we were going to see a movie with the whole gang. The city was definatly busy and part of the problem that I found was there there was a couple of demostrations going on and picketors in front of Macy's. Other than that I had so much fun walking around. I think it would have been easier without Anthony, but it was still fun. We went and saw Happy Feet, which I didn't wanna see anyways, but when we walked out of there I knew why. Now how is it that the creators of this movie think that there are going to be Mexican Pengins? We went back to the house and had Thanksgiving leftovers and watched Over the Hedge. Now that movie is funny.

Day Four ~ Saturday, November 25

Oh crap, I don't have a phone to call Jackie on her birthday and I can't find a stamp to mail her card out. This is also the day that we start to head back home. We drove out to Yosemite. I have never been there before and let me just say the road to get there sucks. Anthony and I felt car sick the whole way up the mountain because it was so curvy. I don't do curvy. It is really pretty up there though. Let me also say that I wish I would have known that it was going to be as cold as it was. WE WERE FREEZING!!!! I think that was all that Anthony did up there was complain about how cold it was. We found somewhere to stay up there that night and then went and had dinner at a restaurant up there. It was nice. We went back to the hotel and took a shower. Hello!!!! The shower would go to perfect warm water to scalding hot water. Cisco and I were stuck in the shower screaming for help from Anthony to turn it colder! That's pretty bad. I felt like I had second degree burns on my legs from that water. That was horrible. I was so scared of the shower I skipped it all together the next morning. We saw some bears, and deer ran past our room the next morning.

Day Five ~ Sunday, November 26

It was Cold, Cold, Cold that morning. We went and had the worst breakfast of our lives and then drove out of the park. We took lots of pictures, which we had to talk Anthony into. We drove up to about 9 thousand feet on this mountain. There was snow up there and all of the rivers were frozen over with ice. It was really neat. Cisco and I kept on running out of the car to take pictures while Anthony stayed snuggly warm in the back seat. We took some really neat pictures up there. It was so beautiful. Cisco says that was my birthday hotel room and that is good for me. I had a lot of fun. I'm glad that we went up there. We drove back down and headed towards Death Valley. We ventured down the wrong road because this paved road that we were on turned into a dirt road and there were only three cars that ended up passing us on this road. I swear I didn't think that the car was going to make it. Cisco and I started talking to pass the time. He had asked me what the worst thing that I could think of happening to us. I told him, " Not being able to find the main road. Having to spend the night here in the car and someone coming along and murdering us in the middle of the desert." He said, "Where would someone come from?" Because there was nothing and no one out there. I told him, "You know in those movies people just come out of nowhere." Right when I said that we went over a little hill and there was this lady jogging in the middle of the desert on the same road that we were on. Cisco was officially freaked out. We hadn't seen anyone or anything for the longest time and then out of nowhere there is lady jogging. We finally found the road and headed home. We took a two hour detur on accident. But it was certainly interesting. I was just happy that we weren't driving at night in that patch of desert that we were in. I would not have been a happy camper. We headed home and drove to my mom's house for dinner.

It was a nice trip. I consitered that my Birthday trip. I did so much while we were gone. I may have froze for some of it but it was totally worth it to do it all. I wouldn't trade that in for the world.

Thanks hunny for the idea of going up there for Thanksgiving. I love you...

~M

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself...

Is It A Series Of Unfortunate Events...

I'm bored...

I'm bored...

I'm BORED...

Not with my life in general but with my realationship in general. It seems to be the same all the time, the conversation has become repetition and contains the same information all of the time. How is it that I should be able to change that up?

The same thing occuring in the relationship everyday is a good thing, I'm all for stability, but changing things up every once and a while isn't bad either.

Going to bed with naked used to bring feelings of desire and want. It was guaranteed to bring warm cuddling, kissing and a very strong prospect to Nookie...not now, sometimes but more times than not, it doesn't happen.

I used to be excited when the kids went to spend the night at grandma's house. It was always guaranteed that there would be an adventure that night, now it is spent trying to figure out what to do and usually always entails a male falling asleep on the couch at about 9:30.

As Tom Cruise would put it, "He's lost that loving feeling". There is no romance, there is no surprise. Now, it's not something that I am hoping for everyday, but it's been made so clear that these are things that I need in my life to be able to sustain. However, the desire from him to do things that would bring spark and romance is not anywhere to be found.

There used to be mornings of cuddling and if that wasn't there atleast when he woke up at the crack of dawn he would stay in bed with me, turn on the T.V. and when I woke up I could roll over and hold him. Now he goes into the study area turns on the T.V. and what wakes me up everymorning is the rapid typing on the keyboard. He says that he doesn't want to wake me up, but I see it another way. Atleast when he would stay in bed there was always playing that would sometimes lead to a nookie factor or atleast a playful smile would emerge.

Who knows, I don't. I'm glad that I am in a stable relationship, but this relationship doesn't warrent being like an old married couple. Especially since he refuses to marry me. I know that we all have our schedules and everything going on but it's getting boring seeing him fall asleep right after he get's home from work. There used to be so much talking and interesting conversation going on. It seems as though his thought and brainwaves have gone out the window sometimes. I know that I may be to blame for some of this. I could help, but I feel that I bring most of it around this relationship. Maybe that is what needs to happen if I desire for things to be different, but it's hard to be the only one doing things.

I found out that there have been other men that do things every once and a while, mark a spot on the calendar and when that date comes up do something or bring something home that is romantic.

It's sad when I wake up at 6:30 in the morning with nothing but thoughts of how to title this blog. But such is life.

~M

Almost There...

Well Fall semester is coming to an end. It was pretty rough going for a while. I dropped two classes because they were more intensive than I thought that they would be. It's alright though. I still have four that I am taking.

I received my grade for Astronomy and it was an A+, one down three more to go. My last class date is on December 12 and I have one research paper to do on Hedda Gabler and a paper to do on relationships from Communications. Other than that Math is just the testing. Since I have an A+ in my Astronomy class I was given the option to not go back to that class, which I am taking. Why go if I don't need to, I'm happy with a 98% in the class, that may have gone up since the test lastnight, which was 100%.

I feel good about how I am doing in school right now. I have been working hard and reading a lot. I am half way done with getting my AB and it will be good to graduate from CCSN and then transfer to UNLV.

I am in the process of deciding if I want to go with a Double Major. I don't know. I do know that it will be a lot of work, but I can do it. Especially if I put my mind to it.

~M

A Load Of Ideas...

So since my Birthday is just around the corner I have been asked by several people how I would like to spend it. I have thought very deeply and hard about this and I am ready to put down various examples. I have told the Cisco that I shouldn't have to tell him what to do for my birthday. I would think that by now he would know that I am an extremely romantic person and he would know what I would want to do. But it should be interesting to see. I will give a scenario and then proceed with my list.

Wake up in the morning, smack one of the kids on the head to wake up for school. :) Find post it notes around the house telling me Happy Birthday and how much I am loved. Smile and smack someone else on the head out of sheer happiness. Drink my special. Grande Decaf Vanilla Latte that was brought from Starbucks just for me. Drive myself and the Kidlets to my job. Work begrudgingly on my birthday. Make sure that I tell everyone at work and at the job site that it is my birthday by wearing my little princess crown that I bought at Disneyland. Go to lunch with the kidlets. Sometime in the afternoon be so surprised that I almost cry when I receive a dozen roses (11 red and 1 white in the middle, or fire and ice) delivered to me at work, with a beautiful card to go with it. Smack one of the kids again out of sheer happiness :P Work until ummmm...about 4:30pm. Go home make me and the kiddies dinner or if I get really lucky the Cisco will not be busy that day and he will take us out to dinner, while I will still be wearing my crown mind you. Go home tuck the kiddies in bed and then drink Port until I can't see straight!

I think that would be a good birthday. Now, let's keep in mind that there has to be a celebration happening during the weekend! Here is a list of ideas that I have in mind for that weekend!

Restaurants

Coco's
Rosemarys
Alize
McDonalds
Andres
Craft Steak

Things I would like to do afterwards

See a show, such as...

O
Barry Mannalo
Mystere (again)
Love
Penn and Teller
Chippendales

And then after that enjoy a drink somewhere.

Such as...

The Mix
Roadrunner
VooDoo Lounge
PT's Pub
Ghost Bar
Onyx Lounge

Now, if the Cisco isn't able to come up with his own ideas for this birthday thing and he decides to use my list as a reference I certainly hope that he is going to use his Left side of the brain to pick appropriate choices. I have already went over this with him once, so it will be interesting to find out if he is able to pick the right things. I wouldn't think that it would be hard. It would be nice to stay somewhere other than home with something waiting in the room upon our arrival. But who knows...

A question of presents has also been brought up and with the Cisco I have solved this dilemma by helping him out. He can either get me nothing or an Engagement ring. I am no longer shy about asking about this. He knows what I want and if he chooses not to get me that then I want nothing for Birthday's, Christmas', Valentines', anniversary's. He says, "that's not fair", I beg to differ. I can think of something else that isn't fair...Don't make me go there. But I think that if he doesn't want to marry me then shopping for me for the holiday's is going to be extremely easy, one less thing to buy.

From my parents I know I'm gonna get money, and that is good, I need a new outfit and to pay for the $700 diamond bracelet that I bought for myself, for my birthday of course! I never bought real jewelry before and it was fun. It's a simple bracelet with little diamonds in it, I like it. She gave me a huge discount because I said it was my birthday present to myself. I can't wait to get it!

Well here is to a Happy Birthday to myself in a couple of weeks.

~M

And So The Countdown Begins...

My birthday is this month. I guess it is something to be excited about. I have noticed, however, that during the past couple of years having a birthday isn't as exciting as it was in years past. I think growing up has a lot to do with it. I am begining to look at it as just another day on the calendar. It's ok, I guess. I think that I am a little disapointed. I thought that I would be doing so many other things and having so much more when I turned 25, 26 and now 27. I am beginning to accept it, or forcing myself to accept it. It's ok, it's just another day.

~M

Weekend Full Of...

F~U~N!

Yes, this weekend was indeed a long one. It came time to throw Anthony and Olivia their Halloween Party that I had promised since last year. It was indeed something spectacular to witness. There weren't too many kids there which made it more wonderful.

I spent nearly all night on Friday cutting, choping, baking, and rolling food for party trays and desserts. Decorating the house was fun too. It was all prety much done because when October rolled around I had to decorate the house anyway. My mom bought a fog machine and I bought two and a half dozen of black and orange balloons. The house looked great. The kids had pumpkins to decorate (foam and glitter glue) while they waited for the rest of the herd to come along to the party.

We played a cotton ball game where you are blindfolded and have to scoop up the cotton balls with a spoon and put them into the bucket on top of your head. This game is one that I usually see at baby showers but it was fun here. The kids loved it. Anthony won that one.

The other game is always a favorite, kind of, musical chairs. My brother was the DJ for that one. It was fun, but there was tears from one little girl. She was out right away. I felt really bad and wished that we hadn't played, but I thought that since the kids were older they would be able to handle not winning a game. I guess I underestimated. One of Olivia's little friends won that game.

Another was Hot Pumpkin, which is exactly like hot potato but with a pumpkin. My brother was the DJ for that one also. This game also ended in tears for the 2nd place winner. Another one of Olivia's friends won that one.

Haunted Hunt was fun, thanks to the help of my love painting last year's Easter Eggs Black and Orange at 1am. I filled the eggs with candy and some with a piece of paper for prizes. This game was fun. Everyone had fun with it. Nearly everyone got a little prize to take home...including the pumpkin buckets that I bought everyone to hunt with. This was a real treat the kids had a ton of fun opening their eggs to find things in them.

The last game was a popcorn kernal toss. The kids had to try and get as many popcorn kernals in a cup as possible. This was a pain because then you had to count the kernals. I don't think that we will be playing that game next year. Another one of Olivia's little friends won that one too!

We all had a ton of fun. My only regret is that I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted to, it was hard because I was trying to run all of the games. I should have made someone in charge of the camera while I did it all. Next year will be even better...I want to do some kind of haunted house thing that isn't too scary. I think that I will have it go on a little bit later like 4 instead of 3pm. It will be fun because each year you get more and more stuff to make it better. It will be fun when the kids are in Jr. High to do something, especially the haunted house thing. Older kids love that kind of stuff!

~M

Happiest Place on Earth...

Well I hope so anyways...

Anthony, Lucy aka Mom and I are going to California this weekend to attend a reception of a friend who didn't invite me to the wedding because it was in New York...or atleast that was the reason she said. It's ok...I will get back at her one day. I'm not too sure when that will happen but it will.

So tomorrow when Anthony gets out of school we are getting right on the road and then driving to Anaheim. On Saturday I'm sure we will wake up and have breakfast and then drive over to San Diego for the thingie.

Sunday will be awesome though...



We are going to my, as Anthony would say, "Favoritest Place" in the world. Disneyland. We are only going there for the day, but that is enough for me. Cisco thinks that I am crazy because I am then going there again in January for Anthony's birhday. We are going for three days! Which is perfect because it gives us plenty of time to do things without rushing here and there and everywhere!



My mom got on my nerves big time when we went to Disneyland together with only the kids two years ago. I think it was because she was being a grandma and I was being a mom and the two weren't mixing well. Now I just let her buy all the crap that she wants to for the kids because what is the use in fighting. It's her money not mine. I know that the junk will end up broken or in the trash in a couple of weeks but. I have to think back on when I was a kid and when my brother and I went to Disneyland my mom and Rick used to buy us all this stuff...candy, toys, light up ears, hats. EVERYTHING. I don't want Anthony and Olivia looking back on me thinking that I was the Disney Nazi so I lightened up and even joined in on the spoiling. They will only be little once and I know that I have nothing but good mememories of going to Disneyland and I want the same for them.

Even if eating a giant turkey leg brings sheer joy.



I know that the trip is going to be a fast one but I am totally game. I seriously thought about buying a season's pass for Disneyland. It would be totally worth it for me. I would then only have to worry about the hotel room. In January I am thinking about springing for a hotel room at the Disneyland Hotel or Disney's Californian Hotel which is in Downtown Disney. I wonder what the deal is with parking though. Well it will be a fun trip. Olivia isn't going on this quick one but she is going in January so it will be full of family fun even if it's only us and my mom.

I have never been to Disneyland in October and they have it dressed up for Halloween it should be cool. I guess the characters dress up and the Haunted Masion is just like the Nightmare Before Christmas. That will be cool to see. And who can forget that Pirates of the Carrabean is now open and is new. I hope that I am not too disapointed. I loved the old one and I hope that it is still cool. Eventhough I have to bribe Anthony to ride Splash Mountain it should be awesome.

And like Anthony I might have to write a note on my hand to remember to say "Thank You" I'll be so excited!

Looking In...

So one of the big assignments that I have for my Communications 102 class is an essay on "Looking In" at ourselves. Which covers the material that we have learned so far. We have to write about our self concept and how we came to the conclusion of out self concept, who we thing has had an influance on it and all. I have been thinking very hard about this and I am afraid that the essay is going to be quite disturbing. I almost want to post it when I am finished with it. Now, I haven't even started it but I have begun searching deep inside of myself to think about the how's and why's of me and what has lead me to where I am and who has had the influances on me being where I am today.

I think what is extremely upsetting to me is that I have always been a daddy's girl.

But, unfortunately I think some of my worst "habits" or "traits" that I have is because of him. I know that he has always loved me and cared for me, but he was never the kind of dad that was real interested in showing affection. I know it is because of the way he was raised and the way his parents were, but I always thought that the goal of a parent was to not be like their parents when it came to the negative things.

Some of the things that I catch myself doing is just like what my dad would do. I don't spank Anthony anymore, I made myself stop doing that. Now, it only happened when it was strongly warrented. He always definately deserved it, but I began hating myself because of it. I couldn't believe that I would let myself become so angry at something that didn't have a huge impact on our way of life or the danger of another person. My dad was so fast to spank my brother and I for things that I look back on and think were stupid. Things that could have been solved by spending large amounts of time in my room or being grounded. I think I especially hated the excuses that I heard when I was given the spankings with the famous leather belt that he would snap when coming down the hallway to issue the capitol punishment. "It's because I am worried about you" or the other one that was my favorite was "This hurts me more than it hurts you". Yeah, those were the days.

I think one particular punishment will always stick and to this day my dad is saying he is sorry. I was 5 and we were at the grocery store. This was back in the day where we didn't have any money and my dad had two jobs. A family day was going to the grocery store or running errands after school on his day off. It was especially great because it was the one time where he was sober, in the morning. We were at the store and they had this display of candy. It Branch's kind where it was in the little wrappers. I think that my favorite was always the kind that was pink, white and brown. I think it even had little pieces of shredded coconut in it. Well we NEVER got candy when we were with my dad because we just couldn't afford it. The money was better spent on Milk and REAL food. Well I just needed a piece of candy. It was calling to me like in the movies where the beam of light shines only on the area of high interest is located and the music plays. That is exactly what happened to me. I decided if I grabbed the piece of candy, unwrapped it, shoved it in my mouth and chewed as fast as I could, while I was hiding behind the display, no one would know. Well my dad went looking for me and found me in mid chew with the wrapper in my hand. He grabbed me and scolded me in the store. With the wrapper still in my hand and the candy in my tummy we went to the check out stand to pay for our groceries. I was humiliated in line by my dad making be confess to the checkout lady that I "stole" a piece of candy and ate it. I handed her the wrapper and then had to pay for the penny candy. When we got home I received a severe beating with the belt.

My dad says that he is sorry to this day for that incident. He blames himself for me feeling the need to steal the candy because he couldn't afford it. I always tell him that it's ok and that it happened a long time ago but now that I think about it, when I go to the store and I pass by those bulk candy booths I see the candy that got me into so much trouble that day and I turn my head right away, like I will get into touble for looking at the candy in the bin. I don't think that I have had a piece of that candy since that day.

I know that my dad gave me many positive things also, but it is such a shame that it is the bad things that come to mind when assignments like this come along. I know that I am a good person and I have to also think of the good things that my dad has instilled into me. Determination and the will to finish what I start is one that I am quite proud of. Being able to look someone in the eye and tell the truth and even when having a conversation about nothing with someone I don't care for very much. I have the ability to make everyone feel special. I have a good firm handshake and I am able to sum people within 5 minutes of meeting them, a skill that I have had from a very young age.

My mom has had a great influance on me as well, but like my dad I think about the bad things when reflection comes around. I have sworn not to do a lot of the things that my mom has done and I have followed through with all of those so far. My mom used to take us grocery shopping and when we were done we would have to wait near the slot machines while she tried her luck with the left over grocery money. My brother and I would sit there for a long time waiting for her to finish. We were able to watch the milk spoil, that's how long it felt like we were there. I think back on some of the times that it was just me and her. We would be going to Sav-On for something and then she would be swooned by the ringing slot machines and bright lights that grabbed the attention of her addiction. I would sit on the pole and wait for a while and when she would hit something she would cash out and give me twenty bucks, "go look around the store" she would tell me. I now think about how easy it would have been for someone to take me. I was constantly wondering around the store just looking around. How could I spend my twenty bucks that I had just received? It was like treasure. I would find what I wanted. Perfume or pens, crayons and paper. I would go back to where my mom was. The change lady who worked there could never put her lipstick within the lines of her lips and she smelled heavily of smoke all the time and she would come up to me and tell me where I would have to stand behind the imaginary line in the tile. I would watch my mom perplexed at how she could look at the screen for so long and be so happy. All she was doing was pressing buttons and sitting down. When I would ask my mom when we were going to leave she would hand me another twenty. Well that helped keep me busy. We would be there for hours and as long as I had the money I was out of her hair for a little while longer. I remember her leaving us in the car while she said she had to run into the store for something real quick. She ran in once and parked in a red zone. She told me to sit in the drivers seat in case someone came by and then wave my hand like I was going to move. Well I was only 10 or 11 so what the hell was she talking about. Panic set in right away. Next thing I knew there was a security guy honking the horn of his car telling me to move. That was it PANIC!!! I started to cry. He came up to the window and asked me to move the car and all I could say is that I didn't know how to drive. My mom came out and he scolded her about me being in the drivers seat. I believe she then scolded me about not moving the car. Wow, was I pissed at her about that for a long time.

Well any how. I just always said that if I ever had to go somewhere I would never leave the kids in the car. Even if it was to run into 7-11. I always had that fear that my mom would never come back out of the store, because she would be gone for so long. I would never want Anthony or Olivia to feel that way...even though they beg me sometimes to leave them in the car while I do what I have to. They might think that I am mean for dragging them out of the car and making them walk, but oh well, I always feel better about myself for doing it.

I love my mom and dad. They aren't perfect, just like I know there will be things that Anthony will write about, but hopefully there won't be too many stories. Believe me I have thousands more!

The paper for Communications should be quite interesting.

~M

Blaa...Blaa...Blaa...

As far as I am concerned there has been nothing all that interesting going on with my life and frankly I am becoming quite bored. I think that it is time to stir some s@*#! I don't know what yet and I don't know if I actually will be doing that but it seems like a good idea none the less.

I came back recently from the one day trip from Pasadena/Glendale and had an awesome time. I have decided that all parties that involve my minority friends and family are always better than the boring and bland caucasian parties that I have attended in the past. I certainly hope that this weekend will be that one exception (I'm attending a wedding here in Vegas).

For some reason all the parties that I have been to, including parties like Prom and Homecoming, that involve my white friends are always so bland. No one really wants to get up and dance and have a good time. They are too busy sitting at the table talking about what another person is wearing and what time the thing is going to be over.

On the other hand the other side of my family and friends, who happen to be Mexican, know how to make a party fun. There is of course plenty of drinking associated with these festivities and many songs and dances to keep one busy. Also no one is afraid to be the only one on the dance floor. (I have found at caucasian parties no one wants to be the only one or the first one on the dance floor. They would rather sit at the table and do a f*@&ed up version of a dance that they really don't know how to do.)

I have come to the point in my life where I have finally realized that I don't get out too much, I don't go to clubs hardly at all, I will never get married, and I will never have another child. So that means that when I go out to have a good time I will not be concerned about who is looking at me or what they think. I could care less. The only opinion that is important to me is that of my "little family" I don't care about the rest. They can kiss my dancin' ass for all I care!

~M

Yet Another Trip...

Yes, I guess you can call it a family outing. I don't know when the last time was that we all got out of town together. I know it's been a long while. It's sad when it's hard for me to think of the last time.

A childhood friend is having his son baptized in Glendale, CA this Sunday. So, I am packing a day's worth of clothes and we are leaving around 7pm. I have to pick up the Cisco at work and then we are going to go from there.

I am waiting for Olivia to come home so that we can finish up and then go and pick him up. I think I am going to make sandwiches, fruit and some drinks and that will be the food for the road. Considering we will have to eat while driving. I don't feel like getting there at 1am because we had to eat at Coco's in Baker.

It should be nice though. We are staying in Pasadena. We will wake up early tomorrow and have breakfast and then walk around in Old Town. I swear besides Manhattan that is my favorite place.

Well I don't have homework that I know of besides reading Madame Bovary for English, but that isn't due until Thursday and since there is no English or Astronomy class on Tuesday it will be ok.

~M

The Petty Things...

I just read a blog that belongs to a friend of mine that I have known since the 7th grade and it really put some things into perspective for me. Not neccesarily for only myself but for those that are around me.

She just had a baby.

The baby is 15 weeks early and only weighs 1lb 3oz. It amazes me that the baby is able to survive right now, I guess she also said that the baby just had surgery. I don't know for what but the doctors were surprised the baby survived it. I hope that this baby makes it through ok without too many problems. She has three other kids but to loose any child would be devistating.

It hurts me to think of the things that she is going through right now. I whine about not getting any sleep because of school, but she isn't getting any sleep wondering if her baby is going to make it though the next hour.

I whine about not having Anthony for the weekend and having to share him with grandparents sometimes, but my friend isn't even able to touch her baby because of the dangers of him dying. I think now how lucky I am just to be able to hug and kiss Anthony when he is home. I don't know what I would do with myself if something happened to him and doctors told me that I couldn't hold him or touch him at all.

I don't talk to this friend as often as I wish that I could but I wish nothing for the best for her and her family.

I hope all turns out well in the end for everyone and I know that I will be praying for her and the little miracle that she has.

~M

Yeah Yeah I know I Should Have Been Doing Homework...

Well sure I know I should have been dilligently doing homework the past two days but I had bigger plans in the works.

The Cisco told me that he had a surprise for me a couple of weeks ago and on Friday the big day had arrived. He told me that he was taking me out but he didn't say where. On Friday morning I tried to get out of him what the surprise was and he had this look on his face that told me that the surpise was canceled. He was going to take me to the John Lennon art auction at the Hard Rock. Well the exhibit was only on Friday and Saturday, but the hours were from 11am to 7pm. He was not going to be able to get out of work until about 8:30 or 9:00 so the plans were messed up due to that.

So he told me to pick him up from work and we would still be going out because he had other plans, this call came later in the day. I was supposed to dress casual elegant. So my thought was that we were going to go to a show somewhere on the strip or to a club or something. I didn't know so it was nice.

I picked him up and we went to the Hard Rock. I couldn't figure out why we were going there because the exhibit was closed. He then told me that the Scorpions were playing a concert at the Joint and that we were going to go. I was instantly HORRIFIED!!! I had absoutely NO interest in going to see this band. But, he wanted to so I figured I better, "Stand by my man". He went to inquire about tickets and they were sold out for that night but had more for tomorrow. I was relieved, I told him we had to pick up the kids tomorrow so it would be impossible to go. Then we proceeded to leave. He then told me the real group that he wanted to get tickets for. It's Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band.

WTF!!! We are gonna go to that! I will make arrangements for tomorrow, I'm goin' to that! So we went back and got the tickets to go. I was so excited about going! I couldn't wait!

So on Saturday I had to take the Cisco back to work and then I went home, did some shopping, picked up Anthony. Mr. C had free tickets to go and see a Cirqe de Soile show, Delirium, that was playing at the MGM. So Anthony and I went to see that. It was pretty cool. Anthony and I went to have lunch after that and then went to the mall. After I dropped him off at my mom's house I ran home, changed, grabed Cisco's shirt he was to wear and ran out the door to pick him up. We arrived at the Hard Rock just in time, the show hadn't started yet and I was stoked!!!

This band came out and they were awesome! I loved it! Their music sounded exactly like the Beatles themselves. They replicated every single sound that was on the album! I was so excited! I screamed like someone was coming to kill me! I sang to each and every song and danced for the last one, Twist and Shout. I had so much fun! After the concert we were able to look at the items that were up for auction. It was really neat to see John Lennon's work. I would have died to be able to buy one of his pieces. I particularly wanted to by the hand written lyrics to his songs. I would have loved to have Imagine or Woman. There were som many to choose from, but they ran about $1000 and up.

I totally envied the people that were walking out of there with pieces. There was this one couple that couldn't decide on which one they wanted. So they nearly bought both. I think they decided on the more expensive one. I hated them at that point.

But needless to say the weekend should have been spent on homework since I have about 4 test's or quizzes this week, but I didn't care. I don't care if I fail all 4 it was totally worth it, I wouldn't have traded it in for anything! I love my hunny for taking me. I know that we both had an awesome time.

I have always done something really awesome for Birthday's or Anniversary's or Valentines especially. But this was "supposedly" my Birthday present, so if it was now I have to totally out do him. I think I have the perfect plan for that.

~M

That Wasn't So Bad...

Well the first week has come to an end and the second one is starting tomorrow. It wasn't as bad as I thought that it would be. I am tired, that's for sure.

I thought that the class load would be horrible but it isn't. I have the coolest teachers and definately feel like I have gotten lucky in that perspective. I have a lot that is going on.

I have decided to under take a Halloween party for Anthony, Olivia and 10 of their closest friends. I think that it will be fun, so all weekend I have been shopping for Halloween stuff. I think this might be a yearly thing if it is successful. I am excited, I think that they are also.

Things are going well and I am excited. I don't have any complaints about life...I'm lovin' it!

~M

Here It Comes...

...Fall Semester at CCSN begins Monday!!! I'm excited...I always am. I am ready for new challenges and meeting new people. Those that know me know that I have had problems with anxiety when it comes to people I don't know. I look forward to the challenge of having to talk and associate with new people.

I have bought all of my school books for the fall semester and all I can say is...I quit! I know that I can handle all of the classes that I have registered for and even get good grades in them...I just have to have the motivation. But when I bought my books my tail became tucked between my legs from fear.

I was questioning myself as to what I got into with the class load and all, but I keep telling myself. It will be ok...it will fly by before I know it and I will be so proud of myself when I am finished.

Just to freshen up memory...I have 6 classes this fall.

The English books that I had to buy sent a shiver down my spine...it is a set of three (world literature from 1400's to 1900's) the pages of this book are similar to the bible. Rice paper. My eyes just about popped out of my head. I like to read and can comprehend and do it fast, but DAMN!!! Books that total 3,000 pages. I wonder how much I will enjoy reading when I finish with this class.

Well wish me luck and if you don't hear from me until December you will know why.

~M

Is It A Boy or Is It A Girl...

I feel the kicking in my abdomen...it feels like a little fish swimming around...then there is a kick and the wind is knocked out of me. What in the hell is going on???

Oh yeah I forgot that I just found out that I am pregnant.

I think I forgot to tell everyone that I know. Well I told the important people in my life: Cisco, Anthony and Olivia. Now I have to figure out how I am going to surprise my mom with the news because I know that she is going to be so happy that she isn't going to know what to do with herself. I think my dad will be disapointed again...I will have to put off school for a little while again. I know that he will have something to say about it. He was really happy for me when I told him that I would be graduating next summer and now this is going to delay the plans for who knows how long.

The possibility of me having another C-Section is almost for sure since I had one with Anthony. I can't wait till I find out what I am having next week. When that happens I am going to have one of my girlfriends take me to go and get registered at Babies R Us. I think that my friend Jackie is going to be very happy because she is a prego right now too and we will be prego together.

As I lay there rubbing the bump and humming a little tune Anthony walks into the living room and rubs my belly and says, "Oh look at the belly, look at the belly, I hope it is a boy, I want a little brother." I just laugh and think of how I would like a girl, but secretly wishing for a boy also.

Well I get up to go to the kitchen when all of a sudden something wet starts down my leg...

Whew....I woke up this morning and was happy that it was only a dream. It would have been nice to find out if it was a girl or a boy...well I better go to the bathroom now before something wet really does go down my leg :)

~M

I Miss My Little Love...

I miss my little guy. My soul hurts and I wish he was home with me so that I could tuck him in and smell his freshly washed hair. I miss him...

~M

It Was Only A Dream...

I haven't had many dreams lately that have made me angry, curious, or elated at the same time. A couple of nights ago I did though.

I was working at Mandalay Bay and Cisco was my boss again, I thought it would turn into a nightmare at this point, and he invited Anthony and I over to go for a swim and have a BBQ at his house. I was excited but there was only one bad thing...we weren't a couple officially, just on and off fun. I didn't know a whole lot about his life and what things were like outside of work, but I knew I liked him a lot and we were perfect for eachother. He gave the same impression back when speaking to me. I had never been to his house before so I needed directions. Anthony was about 10 and was excited about going swimming at someone's house.

We showed up and this house was huge. Kind of like a house that you would see back East or in the South. It had a big front yard with tons of green grass and tall Oak trees. The back yard had a pool and fruit trees lining the back fence and on the other side was a forest. I knocked on the door and Cisco answered the door. He gave me a kiss, held my hand and took me to the back yard. While I was walking through the house I was seeing all of these pictures of him and this woman and a baby. I had no idea who they were and it made me upset because this was a life and people that he had never told me anything about. I couldn't believe that I was falling for someone who already had a life with someone else. I couldn't believe that he was like that and I was instantly furious. I didn't say anything in fear of jumping to conclusions so I decided that I would wait for the right time to ask any questions of concern. I walked into the backyard and the people that I know as Olivia's Aunt's, Uncles, Grandmother and Cousin were there. They looked at me strangely and then stopped and fixed their gaze behind me. Someone touched my shoulder and said hello. It was Olivia's mom, and she was holding a baby. Whom I found out was Olivia. I was instantly confused and at this point knew that I was dreaming. I wanted out but at the same time I had to finish what was going on and I wanted to know what kind of explination Cisco was going to give his wife for me being there.

I said hello. Everyone was extremely nice and Anthony was having a good time playing with Olivia's cousin. I didn't want to make too many waves so I kept my mouth shut for the time being. Cisco introduced his wife and then introduced me as a person he worked with. He then continued to say that he had asked me to babysit Olivia while they had their BBQ. I could have strangled him and broke down into tears at the same time.

WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!

My thoughts were confusing me. But I didn't want to make her upset because she looked as if she needed rest. I think that she was sick in my dream and I instantly began to want to help her and watch Olivia so that she could go and lay down. I took Olivia from her arms with a warm smile and she returned it thanking me and went off to lay down for a nap. She kissed everyone good bye and went up the steps into the enormous house.

I held Olivia and fed her and watched Anthony play. It soon became night and there was no sign of Olivia's mom. I began to get worried, but I was the only one that did. Everyone else had a look on their face like they knew what was going on and they were coming to terms with it. I demanded to know what was going on and began to cry because I was confused. I loved this man that invited me over but was furious that he lied to me and betrayed her. He began to explain things to me and I became more at ease. I was still very sad but determined to take care of Olivia. It was hard for me to give her over to other people to hold because I was so determined of her being ok. I didn't know these people I knew they loved her but I was afraid they were going to take her away. Cisco played with Anthony and went swimming with him. He told him he loved him and gave him a hug. It seemed like life was going by very quickly. These people were comforatable with Anthony and I but I didn't know anything about them. But, Anthony was also very comforatable around them.

I woke up in the morning and I was elated that it was just a dream but it was scary due to how vivid it was. I was happy to be awake and I tried for several hours to get the dream out of my head. It worked until tonight since I can't sleep. Cisco was so busy telling me about his dream that I didn't have a chance to tell him about mine. I'm sure that he will come up with some reason why I had the dream...he does that all the time. I have found myself having dreams of Olivia's mom every once and a while. They are strange. In the dreams it is like we have met casually and then became good friends and she introduces me to Cisco and Olivia and then she always leaves without saying where she is going or why. But then our lives; Cisco, Olivia, Anthony and I, begin. I have never mentioned any dreams with Olivia's mom to Cisco. I guess I'm too afraid of the looks that I will get or I don't know something negative though.

I always wonder why I have these dreams whenever I do get them though.

~M

A Lonesome Week...

Well Anthony is out camping in Mammoth California with my parents and I miss him dearly. It's been a long time since I have let him go anywhere without me for so long. I'm not used to it.

I decided as a nice surprise I would paint his room and give it a total makeover. I painted it last night, lime green with blue polkadots. I bought curtains at Potterybarn that were on sale for only $10, if you can believe that and a couple of shelves and a mirror that has polkadot circles cut out so that you can put pictures there. I think that he will be suprised.

It hasn't been asked of me to move in but I haven't been told to look for a place in the near future either. The Cisco told me that he likes that fact that I am here, so here I will stay. I figured that if I am going to live here with my little family the least that I can do for my son is to make him feel like this is his house too and give his room a little bit of personality.

I think that he will like what I did to his room...it's a hell of a lot better than looking at blank walls all the time.

I am going to be painting Olivia's room too, but I think that all I will have to do is to clean it up she has all the stuff for her room already.

~M

I Did It...

Well I was really nervous about my Research Essay and well the results are in...I received an A-, 94 out of 100. I am so happy that I don't know what to do! I was so worried that I was going to get a bad grade. I am glad and proud of myself that I did very well. I can put another A in my pocket and this one I worked really hard for so I am happy!

~M

The Other Side of Things...

I find it best to air out the frustration that I have with my son's father and his family publicly instead of to their faces so here it goes...

My son's father has never really been in his life. The minute that I found out that I was pregnant with him the first question out of his mouth was, "how much is it going to cost?" I was totally baffled at the question that he asked. All I could think of is, "well a lot of money, I hear kids are pretty expensive these days..." When I asked him what he meant he was nice enough to inform me of his desire for me to get an abortion. Yeah, well that wasn't going to happen and I let him know. He wasn't too happy about it and continued to belittle me on the phone. I told him that he should inform his mother and he said no. Well a couple of weeks had gone by and I didn't hear anything from him and so I called him and asked if he had told his mother of what was going on and he said no. Well the next day I decided to call her and tell her of the situation. What was even worse than telling her was that when I was finished she said, "and who are you again?" I spent time with these people, so my only thought was that I was not the only one he was bringing around family. I had decided then and there that any future was impossible and never going to happen with this "boy".

Well needless to say about a year later when the conversation of child support came up he wanted to sign over his rights and have nothing to do with Anthony. I was totally crushed at hearing this. How was I going to explain to my son that his dad wanted no part in his life and make it sound good...well when the question would come up. Anthony's grandmother and I had begun a good relationship and talked a great deal and became close, so when this came up I told Anthony's father that I would be telling his mother of the recent news. I told her of what her son wished to do and also told her what that intailed. No more weekend visits, no more birthdays, nothing. She was devistated and furious at the news that her son wanted to kill the relationship with her first grandson. She would have no part of it, and so he called later that day and changed his mind.

Well now I am at the point where I wish that I would have followed through with it. Nothing has changed, his father is still never around. With the exception of keeping him out too late at the arcade every once and a while. The latest thing that I have asked of his father is to include Anthony on his health insurance plan at his work, so that Anthony can have double coverage incase I loose mine or he looses his. I have provided all the information needed so that he may do this. I called this past Friday to ask him about it, several months have passed, and he told me that he didn't know where his mom put the information and that I would have to provide it again. Well that isn't going to happen, Anthony has been getting credit card offers and I think it is because of the lost social security information I gave.

Anthony's grandmother has been calling to have him come and spend the weekend and I haven't called her back. I am so sick of the games that her son is playing that I have decided until he get's Anthony health insurance like he said he would Anthony is not going to be visiting. This particular grandmother likes to use intimidation when talking to me about Anthony and him visiting. She seems to forget that I hold the possession that she wants and by her bullying there is no way in hell I am going to be nice about anything. She always has an excuse for her son and I am quite tired of her trying to get in the middle of our business.

The only reason I have been letting Anthony go over to his grandparent's house is to visit them, now keep in mind his dad lives there, his so called father hardly ever takes him out to do anything. Oh and the other thing, his "father" has a girlfriend that has three kids...how is this good for my son? He knows what is going on. I feel so bad for him, but the one good thing is that the Cisco is the perfect dad. He is there for him and loves him. That is a good thing. I think that Anthony is begining to see that also. I don't have to say anything bad about is "father" because he is making himself look bad without any help from me. I love the Cisco for the love that he gives Anthony.

~M

Mr. Wedgie Man...

So as I have written before, Anthony is my pride and joy. But then there are the times that I wish that he could have been a girl.

He is fasinated with bruises, fake tattoos, and thinking that he is the one person in the world that knows about wedgie's. I thought that it was something that I should worry about because these are things that he is constantly asking for. "Mommy give me a wedgie!!!" While he sticks his butt out at me and laughs. I think that he associates them with joking around. I know that he is safe though...he has this passion for this girl that is in the second grade.

He has is eyes set high, I guess he's like his mom...going for the older girl...right on Anthony. It's kind of cute, whenever I talk about this girl he blushes and laughs. He has a home made poster of the two of them, and makes up stories about her all the time. I think what's even cuter is that he begs Olivia and I not to tell her, but then changes his mind and tells his sister to give her a note on the playground. I discourage some of the activity and even threaten death sometimes when I hear some of the conversations between Olivia and him.

I guess from this moment on I will have my hands overflowing with worry and concern about this girl crazed boy.

~M

Finally...

IT'S OVER!!!! Here I come summer time fun...Or what's left of it. I have successfully completed my summer session of summer classes at CCSN (Community College of Southern Nevada) and I am so proud of myself. I received a paper from the instructor indicating the grade that I had before I turned in the research paper...B+. I guess that is good. I get upset when I think of that grade but the Cisco thinks that is a wonderful grade. I don't think so though...I've been getting A's for the last two semesters so it is hard to deal with a B I guess.

I'm free until August 28...Then the nightmare begins. Fall semester.

This fall it will certainly have it's highlights and challenges...I have 6 classes that I am registered for. Philosophy 102, Astronomy 101, Math 096, English 232, Communications 102 and Accounting 101. I think that I will have my work cut out for me. I have gotten to the point that I hate when I am not in school. I suppose that is a good thing. I think that I have become so used to being on my toes and busy all the time that when I don't have that chaos I'm lost. Instead I will clean the house like a mad woman and run continuous errands.

I think I will be OK in the fall, I hope that my family is ok with it. School = family misses me, especially kids.

I think of it in this way: Look how well off we will be when I finish school. No living paycheck to paycheck, being able to actually do something on the weekends and taking more vacations. It will definitely be a nice thing to experience.

Well wish me luck and I am sure that for the rest of the Summer I will be around poking in blogs since I happily have nothing else better to do with my weekends now.

~M

Stuck...

I pride myself on being a wonderful writer, well maybe not wonderful but very good. I have one more week of my English 102 class and I have officially came to a stall point. I have my research paper due Thursday and my thesis for that paper due tomorrow....well I'm sure you can guess...no thesis. I'm not even close to being able to think of what the thesis should be. AHHHHH!!!

I am stressed about this...there is family stuff happening today and tonight and work followed with school tomorrow. Oh and I'm glad that I just remembered that I have to read 100 pages in my textbook followed by the essay questions also due tomorrow. That's it...I've decided that I don't like this going back to school thingie.

I know that I will be able to pass it off, the question is...how well will I be able to pass it off.

If I did Yoga or Meditated I'm sure that something would come into my little brain. I will do like my little hero Pooh..."Think...Think...Think..." maybe if I had a log in the middle of the woods to sit on and tap my head it would help.

I think I will speak of something else and maybe stop thinking about the school thing for a little bit....

Something that I have been wondering about for a while now...when it comes to celeberties...

Whenever you read an article in "People" magazine celeberties always pride themselves on being like regular people. They like to go out and get coffee on Sunday mornings and go to amusement parks. I'm sure they even like to sit at home on a Saturday night and watch movies while snuggling with their kids or the person that they may love at that moment in time.

If it is a "movie star" what movies would they watch? One with a friend in it? Old Classics? Westerns? Their own? It is something that I have always wondered. How does a celeberty spend their day? Do they get time alone where they don't have their assistants around to get them water? How much are they really like "normal" people?

I don't think they are much alike the rest of us...they don't worry about how they are going to make their car payment for that month. They also don't worry about when they are going to find the time to clean the house. I know that the money that they have has been well earned and all, but why brag that you are just "like everyone else" when they are not.

Just some of the things that I have always been curious about and I thought that I would write them down just in case a celeberty read my blog one day...yeah like that would ever happen.

~M

Undecided...

So it has been crazy around for the last couple of months with one class of the summer session ending and being in the middle of another one is starting to take my breath away. I am very proud at the fact that I have actually stuck through with the whole thing and am doing quite well.

I think another "scare" if that is what you can call it is the curiosity of why I was "late" and the thoughts that were surrounding it all. I was quite worried about the whole thing and disapointed when it came around to "that time" and it hadn't arrived yet.

The last thing that I wanted to deal with was another person around me and having to set aside things that were important to me.

As time went by and I informed the Cisco of the situation I became indifferent over the whole thing. If it was then what would my next step be and if it wasn't then that would be ok too. I tried not to think about it, I decided I would just wait until the next month to find out if anything became of it.

Then the Cisco and I went out to lunch one afternoon last week and he told me that if I was to hatch someone then he would be there and we would make it work. It surprised and pleased me at the same time that he actually had a smile on his face when he was telling me this. I didn't think that I should be expecting something like that at all. Not that reaction from the man that swore up and down that he would never have another kid. So it was almost nice to see that. He put me at ease and almost made me cry. He had told me that if it was that I deserved it and I should be allowed to have a little of the fairy tale that is in my head since I don't get to have the marrage part of it. That made me so happy and actually touched me.

That was where the indifference ended and the flirtation of the thought began. I was thinking how nice it would be to have a child with someone who loved me. I never got to experience that with Anthony. I was happy when I was pregnant, I think because I didn't have a bunch of baby daddy drama going on. But I always told myself that with the next one I would do it right. Even if I wasn't married the least that I could do was follow though with someone that loved me as much as I loved them. I thought of how nice it would be to go to the doctor's appointments together and all the other stuff that is involved.

Then a couple days later the demon came. I was so upset. I almost began to cry. I was partly mad that it came and also upset at the fact that I allowed myself to entertain the thoughts. I had told myself early on when I first was late that it was unlikely that I was a prego, but then the conversation and the time that wore on made me think different.

I am beginning to get over the disapointment that I have, but I'm still a little hurt at the fact that my thoughts and dreams got the best of me. I know that I should take it for what it is, but I think that it is ok to be a little disapointed as long as I don't let it get the best of me. I give myself another day and then I will be back to my old self.

~M

Same Old S*@*...

I have offically determined that I am old....

A conversation with a friend that I have known for what we calculated as 20 years (yikes!) was nice enough to point that out to me.

For a group of individuals, friends from high school and such, who swore up and down that they would never get old and still feel as if they are not....are getting older.

You can tell by the conversation that takes place, relationships, kids, just life in general. All of the grown up stuff that you never thought that you would talk about or even worry about.

Who ever thought that I would worry about what kind of bread is the best or compare prices on laundry detergent. Being able to give advice on how to remove stains is something that I thought would never come out of my mouth.

A typical day now is nothing to what it used to be....

1) 7:00am wake up.
2) 7:10am attempt to wake up children.
3) 7:15am attempt to wake up children again.
4) 7:20am one child wakes up and gets ready for school.
5) 7:25am still attempting to remove one child from bed...Anthony.
6) 7:30am threaten death to remove child from bed.
7) 8:30am fight with children to eat breakfast and gather their crap for school.
8) 8:58am yell at kids about being late for school and swearing up and down that they will
be going to bed much earlier so that we are not late anymore.
9) 9:00am drive to work.
10) 3:30pm pick kids up from school and deal with fighting in car...threaten lives again.
11) 4:00pm get back to work and make snacks.
12) 4:10pm fight with Anthony about homework.
13) 5:30pm go to school.
14) 8:30pm get out of school and wish I didn't have to go home.
15) 9:00pm put kids to bed.
16) 9:15pm homework.
17) 12am go to bed and dread waking up in the morning...

I remember when the thing that I worried about before Anthony was what I was going to wear the next day and what time I had to attempt to get to work. It's funny how things change along with priorities. I never thought that I would actually WANT to put as much effort into my realationship. WANTING to make it work and actually loving someone as much as I do.

Everyone who knows me knows the whole Kumar / Harman drama and how at the time the world was going to end and never be the same again. It's funny how things work out when you get older and those kind of things matter but not as much. It seems that when relationships end it's not as bad, especially if you have had past experience with them. You know that there are bigger fish in the sea and everything works out for the best. I think having Anthony has also made me look at a bigger picture and realize that if I don't have anyone else atleast I have him...my little shmegal.

~M

UHHHHH.....

I am so tired today and I don't feel too hot either.

I think I drank too much lastnight and didn't drink enough water later. I don't wanna be at work. I would much rather have stayed in bed for a couple more hours. I feel horrible for the mood that I was in this morning. It just seemed like things weren't working out for me today at least so far today. I think I just needed a little bit of alone time to calm down and I didn't have it and it didn't work out the way I thought it would.

I think the few tipping point was not being able to find some books for school this morning. I was the one that put them away and when I couldn't find them I threw a fit. I looked a long time before I said anything. I was trying to stay calm about it all and it was going good until I just couldn't find them. I didn't accuse anyone of moving them I just wanted to know if they had been seen. I was more frustrated with myself. I finally found them and was just happy to be out of the house for the day.

I now want to just go home and lay down. I feel horrible all the way around. I have school tonight though so there is to be no real rest for me. I am sure that I am going to have homework since it is an English Class.

Oh well I think that I won't get any real rest until tonight around 9.

M

Just A Thought Or Two...

I think that my thoughts are a little bit all over the place right now.

I found myself sitting on the couch lastnight organizing my CD case according to alphabetical order of artists. What in the hell?

I think that I am happy to be done with the first part of this semester but at the same time I find myself lost when I have no school work. I am used to keeping busy and when I am not, I find something to do. I think one of the more perfect excuses and examples was my inital thought of when I get home I am going to do nothing but sit on the couch and enjoy not having anything to do. Then as I got into the drive way my mind started racing as to what needed to get done.

Make dinner and feed the kids...

Clean up the kitchen...

Oh while I'm doing that I will clean all the counters....

Oh while I'm doing that I will clean the stove...

Oh while I'm doing that I will clean out the cabinet to make room for the kids' new lunch boxes...

Oh I might as well sweep and mop the floor (the mop part I didn't get to)...

I guess I will vacuum the living room...

I think I might dust the other living room while I am at it...

I might as well clean the guest bathroom since I'm down here....

Oh yeah and Anthony still needs help on his homework!

Well since Anthony refused to to the above mentioned item or atleast have me help him he was sent to bed an hour early. To his disaproval and I then could not finish the cleaning that I had embarked on. Instead I went to my car and got all my CD's. The Cisco was wondering what I was doing and just gave a thumbs up when I told him.

I cry about being in school and how much work I always have when I am there but now that I am out I am straining to find things to do to keep myself busy.

Oh and since I am here and I know that I should be doing it....work doesn't seem like a fun option at this point.

I am thinking too much about going out tonight with the Cisco and what might be planned. He hasn't told me anything with the exception of telling me that we are going out for dinner and then leaked the fact that we are staying the night somewhere. I don't know where though. I have some strange feeling that something else is in the works but I am not sure as to what it might be.

I don't think he has ever been able to really keep anything from me in the way of a surprise, so now it is my turn to be surprised about the whole thing. I am excited and I cannot really think about anything else but that.

Anthony is a little upset with me cause we had previously planned a date to go to the movies, it's becoming a tradition for us to spend Friday nights together doing something fun, and I had to break the date. I think that I will make it up to him on Saturday or something. I think that he would like that.

Well I better go and get some work done so that I can show that I did something today.


M

6 Years and Counting....

So it has been 6 years today.

Six years since the phone number switches....

Six years since the first embrace....

Six years since the first love making session....

Six years since the first conversations of value....

Six years since becoming a couple....

Six years since the first kiss.....

Six years since the tremendous feelings of anxiety....

Six years since the feeling of being....

Six years since the first kind words...

Six years since the first look of desire....

Six years since the first meeting of a very special child....

Six years since the feelings of "I hope it turns out the way I think it will"...

It's been six years today and all I can think about is how fast those years have gone by. It only feels like yesterday when I met Olivia for the first time and she came to me so easily and sat on my lap. I look back on it now and it is amazing to me of how much our kids have grown, together and towards eachother and us. They have different parents in many respects but they have been living with the ones who affect them everyday. I think that it is a very special thing and I am happy to be a part of it all. I can't wait until I can write another blog in another six years and look back then. It is exciting and nerve wrecking to think of what the future may hold, but as usual I have nothing but deep hope and good thoughts about it all.

I know that I have serious doubts about the relationship at times and still do, but I think that they will be worked out with time. I hope that the time isn't too long but hopefully that will be the case. I look forward to the future and what surprises that it may hold. I know that it will also bring dissapointments and sadness at times but such is life. It would be boring without some of the ups and downs.

I love my hunny and I love my hunny's.

~M

Insomnia

I don't know what my problem is but for the last couple of weeks I have been unable to go to sleep at night. Usually the television needs to be on and while hugging two pillows I drift off into a comforatable sleep. However, this has not been happening lately. I either go onto My Space and write in my blog, cause people actually read them on there, or I go and play Literati on Yahoo.

It's driving me nuts, especially with school and work, I wake up totally exhausted and drained. I don't know what to do about it any more. I thought about taking some sleeping pills but I know that isn't a good idea.

School. That is the only explination for it all. I think since I go four days a week and for three and a half hours each day all of the stuff that I learn is just revolving around in my head. I guess it is good, but then I start to think about it all too much and can't sleep. I don't know. I think it will go away soon, but I doubt it. With another 4 week intensive class coming up it will continue for a while.

I am going on a much needed camping trip this weekend. I've needed to get away from work for a while and just focus on me and especially my relationship with the Cisco. I think things have seemed a little rocky for him for the last couple of weeks. My biggest suspision is that he has been reading my blog. I don't know where else he would get the idea. I have been seeing a lot of friends that I went to high school with lately, but just for a casual lunch here and there nothing serious. Just catching up on how life has been. I think that is what has him convinced at times that I am getting ready to leave. One friend that I told our recent conversation to was glad. She seems to think this is the kind of wake up call that he needs to see how much I am and mean to him.

I guess. I still think that it is hard for anyone to give any kind of suggestions for this relationship. It is quite unique in it's own sick and twisted ways. As always I know things will work out for better or for worse. I think it makes me kind of happy to see that he is showing some emotion about it all. I don't think I have ever seen him too concerned about our relationship. Usually it has always been me asking, "Are you alright", "Is everything ok?" but now it is him and with the way my life has been going lately with school and work it seems that I get quite aggrivated at the fact of him feeling unsure, especially when he knows how I feel about things.

I am glad that we did talk the other day, I think it has helped things. But I only think that it will help things if he doesn't forget about the conversation and takes into serious consiteration what I said to him. If he chooses not to then he is leaving our future together in his own hands. I have found that I don't want to break down and cry anymore when I think of us splitting up. I get more angry about it. Due to the fact that I put him mainly to blame if it were to happen. I think his views on some issues and the way he has treated me in the past has poisoned some aspects of our relationship. I endured a great deal during the first few years of our relationship that I can guarantee no other woman has.

I have been understanding and patient with this man and sometimes I feel as if he has never noticed any of it. I have put many things in my own life on hold or pushed them aside so that I may nurture our own relationship and put effort into our relationship. I do not feel that he has done any of that with the exception of the past maybe two or three years.

I am glad that he is starting to feel different about things and is seeing me in a different light. I hope that it continues and he keeps growing in that regard, but I try not to get my hopes up too high just in case he decides to ignore his feelings again.

I love him to death, but in some ways enough is enough. A great deal of the issues from before are starting to surface again and I am re-evaluating them, trying to be ok with the non-marrage issue. I did tell him that would only work if other things changed. I hope he took seriously what I said. I think he did, atleast it sounded as though he did.

Well I think I went on yapping for long enough, I'm still not tired so that means it's Literati time.

~M

For My One And Only...

Anthony,

In this insomnia state that I am in now I think of the things that make me smile about you but also make me sad to the fact that you are indeed growing up and it will only be a few more years that you will be only mine.

I think what made me think of the whole topic at all was that I couldn't sleep and the fact that I have been apart from you quite a bit lately with school and work. It kills me to think of the time that I am not spending with you so that I may go to school, but then I think of all the opportunities that we will have as a family later on down the road. I think it will be a great success when I finish with I what I have started and both you and I can be proud. I wish that I could cut time out of work or not work at all so that I may let you have and do all the things that your heart wishes. I think that I accomplish a great deal of it even if it is only on weekends.

I laughed in bed a minute ago and woke Cisco up because I was thinking of you with that TOOTH and you holding Hubble and pretending he can fly. Then I was wondering how much longer you would have such an imagination and a heart for the impossible. I don't think more than 3 and if I am lucky 4 years. I can quite honestly say that I did not think that you would grow up to be the young man that you are so quickly. I fondly think of the times when you were a baby and all I got to do for a whole day was hold you and feed you and make you laugh. I miss those days but I am also thankful for the days that I have now. You can do things for yourself and talk to me and let me know how you feel and how things make you feel. I get learn who you are as your own individual and not one that I have molded completely. I know that I have had something to do with it but some of it is left up to you to decide.

You choose who your friends are and who you are as a person in the long run. I just hope sometimes that I taught you right from wrong and good from evil. I hope that you will learn from my mistakes and take heed to the warnings that I have given you.

I love the way you laugh and the way that you talk right now. I know a lot of it comes from school, friends and maybe even TV or movies, but it is still cute all the same and I think it is because of the innocence that is related to it all. I love your new phrase, "Mommy, you just had to wake me from my beauty sleep didn't you?" And the look that goes with it. Like I committed some horrible insult to you. A "How dare you" kind of look. I think it is so adorable right now.

I know the years are fast approaching where waking you up for school will be nothing but a true nightmare. I remember the days when my mom tried to wake me up and now all I have to say is,"Sorry mom".

You hold me tightly and won't let go, you kiss me sweet little Anthony kisses, you tell me you love me more than the world and you tell me never to go away. I love you for all that and even now it makes me want to cry. Because I know the mean words will come from your teenage lips and all I will think of is the innocence that is deep down inside. The days of I love you's and a million kisses. The pictures made from school and the poems that go with them.

I don't want to let go of the Anthony I know. The crossed arms of anger, the schmegal inside. The playful boy that never wants to get ready for school. The one that I have to fight with to finish homework now and again. The little person that I once had inside of me that is now growing up thinking his own thoughts and making his own mark.

I have nothing but sweet wishes for you and dear thoughts of you. I don't ever want you to grow up but I am now faced with the reality of it HAVING to happen regardless of how much I wish for it to go away or for time to freeze where it is. I can't do anything but take a picture of you in my heart and memory and remember the moments that make me cry now, smile now and laugh now so that I can do the same when you are older when you have your kids and you have gone your own path. Hopefully you will remember too when we were just we.

I love you forever, I'll never let go of that small little something that I held long ago.

M

Recap on Life for Now...

So there has been a lot going on since I have written last, however nothing too thrilling either.

Olivia was recently on Fiddler on the Roof with her church and also had her ballet recital. She did so well in both of those I was so proud of her. She also celebrated her 8th birthday! I can't believe it! Both Anthony and her have grown so much so fast. I am getting to think that I don't know what to do with myself.

Cisco and I have been doing well since the last time I have written. I am holding off on leaving for a little while until I figure out what I really want and can set it in stone without putting forth empty threats. That leads to nothing but trouble and I know what I am talking about. He had his birthday too! He is soooo old now.

It has been really hard keeping up on this because I have recently discovered myspace and I have been blogging on there. It seems that no one reads them here and it is nice for some feed back sometimes and that is something that I have not encountered on here as of yet. I know that some people are more popular than others and the world of blogging is no exception. It's ok though my feelings are not hurt too much.

I have been going to school and being extremely busy with that though and I am glad for it. I think summer school will kill me but better now than never. Speaking of school it is time to go.

I will keep in better touch I promise.

M

Thinking of Leaving

As I have expressed many times before in other posts thoughout, since I started on this, I love my boyfriend with all my heart.
He says that he loves me and he decides to show me that he does also, but I doubt it a lot of the time due to the issues in the past. These are not issues that are not going to go away, ever. I know that and have known that for a very....very long time. I am ok with that part of it and all that it entails.

Our relationship has been doing good and we haven't had any real problems besides the fight of the century over the laundry. Which has been settled, so far. But I think the issue that has been bothering me the most is the marriage part of it all.

Either last week or the week before he was giving me a hug in the kitchen and he said that he loved me and I believe I told him that he should marry me then. He replied, "you don't want to marry me, you just want to get married." Well that was like a huge butcher knife into my heart. I couldn't believe that he had said that to me. I told him that wasn't true and that I wanted to marry him and be with him. He started to say the same thing again and I told him that I am beautiful and I could marry anyone that I wanted and be with anyone that I wanted but I chose to be with him and love him.

I think the thing that is the worst part of it is his daughter being in the car with me and telling me that she misses her mom and telling me how much she loves her and how much she loves me. Then she will continue with wanting me to marry her dad so that she will have a 2nd mom so that she will have twice the love. I don't know what to say sometimes and I always have to choke back tears when she is telling me this. My son says he wants us to get married also. I get so bitter about the whole thing sometimes that I don't know how to react to my boyfriend when he comes home. I am just in a bad mood and don't want to talk to him.

Lately whenever one of the kids says that they want us to get married and we are both in the room I look at both kids and then to my boyfriend and say, "He doesn't want to marry me." and they get mad at him. I feel ok about that for a moment or two, but then all of my feelings come back and I feel depressed about the whole thing once again.

I have been thinking about leaving him and letting this be it but I can't bring myself to do it, not yet anyway. I think the hardest part for me is the kids. We have been together so long that it's too hard thinking about them not being together anymore. They whine for eachother when they go on separate vacations I could just imagine how they would act if we were separated perminately.

It just rips me in half when I hear those kids say things like, "I wish you two would get married so that we could be a real family." or "I want us all to be together forever." I don't know how much longer I can listen to that and just smile and say that's just how things are for right now. I can see in their eyes that expination is getting old and is not flying over too well anymore.

I will leave with the words of Olivia and Anthony......

"I want us to be a family."

M

In My Life

The way that I feel for my Desmond,

In My Life

There are places I remember, all my life though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better, some have gone and some remain.
All these places have their moments, with lovers and friends I still can recall.
Some are dead and some are living, in my life I've loved them all.
But of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares to you.
And these memories loose their meaning when I think if love as something new.
Though I know I'll never loose affection for people and things that went before.
I know I'll often stop and think about them, In my life I love you more.
Though I know I'll never loose affection for people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them, in my life I love you more.

The Beatles

I love you always no matter what the deal is...

Love Always,
Molly

My Ramblings

I thought that I was smart. Atleast a little bit, with computers.

That is until a friend of mine introduced me to MySpace.

I cannot figure out for the life of me how to design the damn thing. I have asked for help but everyone keeps pushing me to other web sites and other people. If they were able to design their own then why can't they just say how to do it? This has caused a great many hours of frustration on my part.

I didn't think that I would be into it the way that I am right now. I am always trying to fix something on it or add some new pictures.

I have already scolded my friend for even introducing me to the stupid thing.

I have seen some of my friends on this thing and they have like 217 friends or atleast close to that. They are always these beautiful people also. They don't look like regular people. I guess it is true that you won't get many friends unless you dress like a whore or show yourself half naked.

I don't understand that part of it. Do these people even talk to these so called "friends"?

I hope so because then that would justify the whole thing a little more.

I hope that I get over my MySpace addiction pretty soon. If anyone knows any cures please let me know.

M

Snow? In March? In Vegas???

Yes, you read correctly and for anyone who lives in Las Vegas can tell you this doesn't happen very often but lately more and more.

Yesterday it snowed but it didn't stick. News reporters around here are now giving false hope to the fact that they THINK it might snow again today... so far no luck. I bet I am not the only one standing at the window waiting for something to happen. Going to the window is the closest I will come to going outside today. It's 35 - 40 degrees outside.

I'm just happy that for a day like this I don't have to work. I can sit at home have some tea, watch T.V. and enjoy the day. I don't think I will participate in it unless it does snow then I will have to get my son outside to play in it.

The last time it snowed really good was 2 years ago. Anyone remember that?

I do I had to drive to work at 5 am in it. That was horrible. My boyfriend and kids got to go home and play in it. It was about 1 or 2 ft. deep up in the Summerlin area. Everyone went to the park. It is the kid of park with steep hills, it's a resevoir when it rains, so everyone was sliding down the hills and playing. Making snow men and such. By the time I got home there was still snow on the ground but not that much. More brown snow than anything.

Well if it does happen to snow today I hope everyone will be able to enjoy it.

M

It's Official...I'm Loosing My Mind

School, work, kids, house chores, boyfriend = little help.

This is how I have been feeling for the last couple of weeks. I just got finished taking a bath for about 1 1/2 hours, atleast that is what it felt like. I need some much needed alone time. I love my kids and I love my boyfriend but I have just felt so overwhelmed these past weeks. I don't know why. Nothing big has changed, it just seems like it.

I have been taking the kids to school more and more and between me getting ready and trying to get them ready without them fighting I feel like I am going to loose my mind sometimes.
I usually listen to the radio loud on the way to work but lately I have been having it off. I think because this is the only time that I have for it to be completely quiet.

I get to work and I am alone all day long but then I have to deal with me talking to me! The phone and the fax don't help either. Halfway through my day with work I have to go and pick up the kids from school, bring them back to work with me and try and finish what I have going on there and help with homework. I swear I should be in a circus with the way that I am able to juggle. Then when the grandparents come home I get to go to school. If I'm lucky it is sometimes a 1 hour class and not one of my 3 hour classes.

When I'm done with that, depending on what day it is, I get to go pick up the kids, feed them, finish homework with them, get them in the shower, put them to bed, then go downstairs and do my homework. Let's not forget cleaning up the house and doing the laundry in between.

I swear I feel like these kids don't even like me anymore! I am the one that has to give out the punishments and tell them what to do so when my boyfriend gets home from work that night, in my opinion, he gets the easy part of it. Everyone is happy to see him and want to hang out with him and look at me like my head has spun around 360 degrees. He gets to help put them to bed and then chill out downstairs and have a beer, if there are any around. I'm not saying that he is lazy, he just has a convenient work schedule.

It drives me nuts when he has the kids for one day on his day off and looks at me all pissed off and complains about them fighting. Or how one of them won't do this or did do that. I don't think he completely realizes what I have to do 6 days a week.

I hope that some alone time in California will help ease the tension that I have been having and bring me back to my old self. I hate feeling this way.... M