Thursday, February 06, 2014
Being back to work has brought back a lot of feelings of where I think I belong. I am glad that I am back at work because it is my break from my crazy life at home with all the kids. But, at the same time I miss being there everyday to play and more importantly have my house looking decent and not like a bunch of ravenous wolves live there. Laundry has piled up to ridiculous amounts, the kitchen is a mess, the rooms, everything. I'm beginning to not care, but it is still there. The other thing is that I can never figure out what I want to do with myself. I want to go back to school (good luck fining time to study), I want to perfect my cake making skills that I know are there but just need the practice and time to develop and brighten (good luck finding time for that too), and I want to start working on the house to make it what I want (again, good luck fining the time for that). I feel like that if I wasn't working then I could MAYBE have time to go for one of these things. But without working where would the money come from for it to happen. I am just stuck. I don't know where I belong. I don't know what I want to do. I just Don't Know. I see other people going to school and doing this and doing that and I find myself so envious of that. I wish I had the time, I wish that when I had the time before the girls to have done some of these things. That time is gone and past, so now I am left with the present. And I am just wishing that something would happen, a vision, something that would tell me what direction to head into. My mind is a blank today and that's all that I've really been thinking about. Just wish the answer would come already. ~M
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Since God has decided that I'm not busy enough and don't have enough to handle he decided to throw this little bit in too. I know that it is still early, but I am placing bets and making predictions anyway. My dad called me last night and asked me to take him to an appointment that he has scheduled with a vascular surgeon. He has a aneurism in his chest and the doctors have decided that it needs to be removed. It has been there for many many years, but from what he has told me is that they cannot do much about it until it gets to be a certain size. Well his is now to the point where something needs to be done. He's not in the best shape and I am surprised that they want to do it but I guess there is no choice but to do it, since the other option is to wait for the thing to burst and that will only do one thing. Kill him. It makes my stomach hurt either way and I would rather him try for the surgery than the latter, but that is part of the problem. Not only does he live on the other side of town from me, but I already have house full of people that I'm taking care of. I know that it will come all up on my shoulders to take care of him after surgery and that means practically living there for the first few weeks after he comes home. The only reason I know this is he has had open heart surgery and I had to do it before. No fun, that's for sure. He doesn't have anyone else due to his charming personality, so it's on me. There is my brother, but I would be very very surprised if he pitched in the way I know will be needed. This means the big kids stepping up big time and helping with the girls or finding someone that can come in and help with the dinner and getting the girls cleaned up and ready for bed. I would rather pay the kids to do this if they actually do a good job with it, I really don't want to have to deal with having someone here to do it, unless it's family, but I doubt it will happen. It's just stressful, last time I had to do this I had Anthony and he was itty bitty, but only Anthony. Now there is Anthony +4. I don't know I'm hoping it all comes together smoothly and flawlessly, but such things are rare to come by. We shall see, I wish I was like my husband and just go with the flow and deal with what comes when it does. I'm not built that way and I will stress and worry and panic until it is all done and finished.