Christmas 2010 could be summed up in one simple sentence...I was not interested in it at all.
My family was not together yet. Catherine was home and I was very thankful for that, however, Cecilia and Charlie were still so sick and weren't anywhere close to coming home. I kept being filled with false hope and different developments veryday from the NICU visits. I could care less if there was going to be a tree up, shopping, cooking any of the trivial crap that happens during the holiday (at least that is what I thought last year). All anyone told me is "you can't forget that you have other kids and you have to do it for them" well I did, I put up the tree in the middle of December and cooked like one batch of cookies. That was it. I just didn't have the heart, it didn't seem right to me that we were celebrating a time and a holiday that makes family more important than ever when I only had part of my family together. I didn't have any interest in anyone coming over to visit for the holiday, I just wanted to be in the NICU with my girls. Depressing, depressing, that's all it was for me. I rushed everyone out fairly early on Christmas day because I wanted us to go to the NICU to see the girls and Santa was going to be by to visit them as well. I was so happy when it was all over and everyone was gone and back at home, cause I just wanted to be left alone. I was exhausted, between Anthony, Olivia and Catherine at home during most of the day the rest of my time was spent in the NICU and even though I'm sure I was there a lot, it still seemed like I was not there enough. It hurt my heart when I had to leave, cause the visits seemed like they were further apart and it was mostly because Catherine was at home and I needed to breast feed her and take care of her and the other kids too.
Flash to a year later and I'm busier now, or so it seems, and I'm runing around like crazy. Shopping with the babies, cooking, cleaning, baking and fussing with them and the kids. I think back on a year and I can't believe how far my girls have come, how far we have come as a family. This Christmas is a big one for me as I'm sure for all of us. Cecilia and Charlie are home, they are crawling and getting into everything, Catherine is walking and running and making messes everywhere. We are all together and a crazy BIG family this year and I can't wait for all our family to come and spend time together, I look forward to every scrap of paper, every mess these kids make and every bit of smiles and laughter that we will be hearing and seeing this year. I'm sure there will be tears on my end this year, but it's more out of pure relief, joy and happiness that those days are behind us.