So many things going through my head, so many things going through my mind.
My kids are the number one thing that is going through right now. They are getting older and it bothers me like you would never believe. Olivia starts High School this next school year and that is so hard to believe. I remember when she could barely say Anthony's name. I remember the first time I met her and she saw me and immediately walked up to me and crawled into my lap. She pointed to her shoe that was untied, which I assume had meant that she would like it tied. I did it and even after she was still content to sit there and smile and communicate with me. I found the picture that Cisco had taken of the moement a few years ago and I framed it and gave it to her for Christmas last year or the year before. I had told her the story of us meeting tons of times before because she had asked, so when I was trying to think of something to get her that was special that Christmas the hunt for that picture started. I was really glad I had found it because it had meant a lot to her to have it. I miss her being little, I miss the giggles that only little people can give.
I think the feeling with Anthony is a bit different for obvious reasons, but it tears me up just as much. He is taller than me now. His voice is changing. He is turning 13 in a few weeks. What happened? Where did the time go? I feel like one minute he was laying in my bed and napping with me, us watching Jurassic Park for the one billionth time and taking silly pictures all alone in our little apartment and condo. Now I have a "teenage" boy. One that is more content on being in his room and messing with his things, giving me a hard time and trying to figure out how to rebel against us without crossing any lines, but since he doesn't know how, he gets into more trouble doing it. Today when Cisco and I were cleaning out the garage and going through old books figuring out what to get rid of and what to keep, he found the book I had bought Anthony right after he was born, I Love You Forever. The top corner has been chewed away and not by him but by our little Lulu that we no longer have. I flipped through it, so quickly. I didn't have any time to even really read words and that is probably a good thing because without even reading it and just flipping through I was brought to tears, just thinking about how true it has all become. The day I bought it and read it it all seemed like such a far and distant future, like it was a place that would take me years to get to. My son would be a teenager one day but it would take years and years, and feel like forever. The day is here and it takes my breath away when I think about it. I lay in bed sometimes and cry and think that the little soul that I had growing inside of me for 9 short months and gave birth to, taught to walk and talk is now walking and talking and making me laugh and making me sad. He is turning into a man in front of my very eyes and it seems like I just was not given enough time with him being small. Not enough hugs and snuggles, not enough "I love you mommy". It all feels like it was just a dream, something that has happened in a blink of an eye. I miss it all and it breaks my heart knowing that that part of my life with my son is coming to a close. He talks about what he wants to do when he is out of high school. He talks about getting married, having kids what he wants to do with his life. It hurts me and brings me joy knowing that is only a few short years away before I will be witnessing it all.
I feel like I was given a second chance with my babies to see them grow up. I missed out on quite a bit of the little things with Anthony because I was working all the time to try and provide for us. Now that I can't work because it would just be too expensive to put them into daycare, I spend morning, noon and night with them. And when it all becomes too much to bear I have to think about how fast it all went with Anthony. I think about how little they were, how I couldn't hold Charlie for weeks because she was too sick and the same with Cecilia and even little Catherine. The joy on my face when I was told that I could finally hold them couldn't be contained. I find myself thinking of those days, those days bring me my strenth to deal with all of this when I am overwhelmed, when I am wishing for a bit of peace, when I feel like the bottom is just going to fall out at any time. I think of all the feelings to sadness, depression, of hopelessness. Now all of that has passed and my girls are home, they yell, they scream, they fight, they cry. But they also laugh, smile, walk, talk, crawl, give hugs, give kisses, wave bye bye and come to give me hugs. Cecilia and Charlie aren't walking yet and that's ok with me, cause I know it's going to happen soon. This last year has gone by so fast with the girls, I am amazed everyday at how big they have gotten, to see all the things that they know and that they have learned along the way. I'm so lucky to be able to be here all the time with them and see their transformation every day.
It's all just so overwhelming sometimes and it all just hits me at one time. I don't know what else to do but to write and get it out. The times that I haven't I just cry and cry in bed and can't sleep so I guess this is the better way.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Christmas 2010 vs. Christmas 2011
Christmas 2010 could be summed up in one simple sentence...I was not interested in it at all.
My family was not together yet. Catherine was home and I was very thankful for that, however, Cecilia and Charlie were still so sick and weren't anywhere close to coming home. I kept being filled with false hope and different developments veryday from the NICU visits. I could care less if there was going to be a tree up, shopping, cooking any of the trivial crap that happens during the holiday (at least that is what I thought last year). All anyone told me is "you can't forget that you have other kids and you have to do it for them" well I did, I put up the tree in the middle of December and cooked like one batch of cookies. That was it. I just didn't have the heart, it didn't seem right to me that we were celebrating a time and a holiday that makes family more important than ever when I only had part of my family together. I didn't have any interest in anyone coming over to visit for the holiday, I just wanted to be in the NICU with my girls. Depressing, depressing, that's all it was for me. I rushed everyone out fairly early on Christmas day because I wanted us to go to the NICU to see the girls and Santa was going to be by to visit them as well. I was so happy when it was all over and everyone was gone and back at home, cause I just wanted to be left alone. I was exhausted, between Anthony, Olivia and Catherine at home during most of the day the rest of my time was spent in the NICU and even though I'm sure I was there a lot, it still seemed like I was not there enough. It hurt my heart when I had to leave, cause the visits seemed like they were further apart and it was mostly because Catherine was at home and I needed to breast feed her and take care of her and the other kids too.
Flash to a year later and I'm busier now, or so it seems, and I'm runing around like crazy. Shopping with the babies, cooking, cleaning, baking and fussing with them and the kids. I think back on a year and I can't believe how far my girls have come, how far we have come as a family. This Christmas is a big one for me as I'm sure for all of us. Cecilia and Charlie are home, they are crawling and getting into everything, Catherine is walking and running and making messes everywhere. We are all together and a crazy BIG family this year and I can't wait for all our family to come and spend time together, I look forward to every scrap of paper, every mess these kids make and every bit of smiles and laughter that we will be hearing and seeing this year. I'm sure there will be tears on my end this year, but it's more out of pure relief, joy and happiness that those days are behind us.
My family was not together yet. Catherine was home and I was very thankful for that, however, Cecilia and Charlie were still so sick and weren't anywhere close to coming home. I kept being filled with false hope and different developments veryday from the NICU visits. I could care less if there was going to be a tree up, shopping, cooking any of the trivial crap that happens during the holiday (at least that is what I thought last year). All anyone told me is "you can't forget that you have other kids and you have to do it for them" well I did, I put up the tree in the middle of December and cooked like one batch of cookies. That was it. I just didn't have the heart, it didn't seem right to me that we were celebrating a time and a holiday that makes family more important than ever when I only had part of my family together. I didn't have any interest in anyone coming over to visit for the holiday, I just wanted to be in the NICU with my girls. Depressing, depressing, that's all it was for me. I rushed everyone out fairly early on Christmas day because I wanted us to go to the NICU to see the girls and Santa was going to be by to visit them as well. I was so happy when it was all over and everyone was gone and back at home, cause I just wanted to be left alone. I was exhausted, between Anthony, Olivia and Catherine at home during most of the day the rest of my time was spent in the NICU and even though I'm sure I was there a lot, it still seemed like I was not there enough. It hurt my heart when I had to leave, cause the visits seemed like they were further apart and it was mostly because Catherine was at home and I needed to breast feed her and take care of her and the other kids too.
Flash to a year later and I'm busier now, or so it seems, and I'm runing around like crazy. Shopping with the babies, cooking, cleaning, baking and fussing with them and the kids. I think back on a year and I can't believe how far my girls have come, how far we have come as a family. This Christmas is a big one for me as I'm sure for all of us. Cecilia and Charlie are home, they are crawling and getting into everything, Catherine is walking and running and making messes everywhere. We are all together and a crazy BIG family this year and I can't wait for all our family to come and spend time together, I look forward to every scrap of paper, every mess these kids make and every bit of smiles and laughter that we will be hearing and seeing this year. I'm sure there will be tears on my end this year, but it's more out of pure relief, joy and happiness that those days are behind us.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Just so Random...
Wake up call is usually 6:30 - 7:00am and that is coming from Kitty's crib next to my side of the bed, which I actually declared mine while I was pregnant with the girls since it was better for my back for some reason. Take her down and sit with her so she doesn't freak out since when she wakes up she likes to be held and then she will crawl down and play or walk around when she is ready. The big kids are pretty good about getting themselves up and ready for school, with Anthony I'm sure it helps that he doesn't have to be out the door until 8:00 this year.
I have given up on them taking their lunch to school, it's one less stress I need in my life. I have everything there, however, my kids are just lazy. I'm sure they are either eating their friend's lunches or taking their own money. I refuse to send them to school with lunch money when I have lunch stuff for them. It's ok, makes nice lunches for the girls since the big kids don't touch all the yummy stuff. Of course when they get home from school they raid the kitchen because they are starving. My money is on them having a bag of chips or a cracker from friends or something. I get on their case about eating the whole fridge since I make dinner fairly early any more and they get home at 4 now. I gotta make dinner around 5 - 5:30 since the girls need to eat and start the bed time process that takes several hours. I usually have a compromise with the kids, either you do the dishes and pick up the table and I watch the girls or I'll do the kitchen and you watch the girls. Anthony usually likes to pick the kitchen only cause picking the girls involves diaper changes and pajama changes. He doesn't mind it unless he has to do the wild one...Catherine.
It's funny on Wednesday's or Thursday's when Cisco is here because he is somewhat familiar with the routine...at least the routine up until about 2:00pm. Since he is usually out the door and at work by then. I will see him heading upstairs with Charlie or Cecilia at 7:00pm and I always ask what he's doing. He will say he's going to take her upstairs so she can go to bed. I usually have to remind him that at 7 she gets her bottle but she stays down here, since she will play after drinking some and then actually be ready for bed at 8. Any sooner than 8 usually results in having to go and get her because she crys so much.
It's just the little things that I have gotten used to. I know the little quirks they have, what certain cries mean and what they like to do and when. I know that if it was him here all day and all night it would be the same. He is such a good dad, he figures it all out, he does everything without complaint, he offers and suggests to stay all day with the girls so I can get out of the house. It's always nice but of course by the time I'm out and walking around somewhere I regret going and wish I would have stayed home. His day's off go by so damn fast that I just want to be with him. It's that time of year where we have to try and keep the girls in the house as much as possible due to flu and RSV season but if I go anywhere I want it to be with him, girls or no girls.
It's so rare that we get to go out alone. Either for the evening or for and afternoon just to go to the store, I dread going home when we are alone though. I wish for the life of me that when we do go out we could talk about anything other than the kids, but it is impossible since they are such a big part of everything...they are everything. But, when we are alone together I miss it just being about us. Us being able to make it about us. I know that it will happen again because it happened with the big kids. We were able to go out for a whole weekend and leave A&O with the grandparents because we knew they would be ok, we knew that they could help with things or partially take care of themselves. We were able to do that little bit of letting go and focus on ourselves...finally. Just like with the 3 C's they were the only subject talked about at dinner, in the car, getting ready for work, AT work. But I had noticed that as kids get older and not that you lose sight or focus on them, you are able to let go a little bit and get back to what you used to be before all the kids. You can sleep in a little longer if you want, or go grocery shopping alone while they are hanging out at the house. It was nice, everyone enjoyed the little bit of leverage that they were given, made us feel more free and the kids LOVE the little bit of lead way.
Now we have two different trials and tribulations that we are going through. Raising teenagers and toddlers. I always thought the teenagers part would be much easier. No, I was wrong. I have to set boundries that will keep them safe and their heads on straight while still letting them explore and learn the world on their own. No boyfriends or girlfriends right now, they don't argue about it cause they know Cisco and I won't hear any of it. We had said it should be funny when they do start dating cause I had said if they want to go out on a date they have to take a sister with them. They looked at me like I was crazy when I told them about it. "WHY?!!!" It's easy...it will keep them honest and their shirts down and pants up. If they take a little sister they can't do anything they shouldn't be. Not only would they do or be able to go anywhere you can't take a 3 or 4 year old, they would get tattle taled on so much. Forget the chastity belt...take a toddler! It's just scary out there...always has been but much more now.
I'm not looking forward to dealing with the teenage thing twice in my lifetime. At least I'll have the other two out of the house and be given a little bit of a break before it all starts again!
I have given up on them taking their lunch to school, it's one less stress I need in my life. I have everything there, however, my kids are just lazy. I'm sure they are either eating their friend's lunches or taking their own money. I refuse to send them to school with lunch money when I have lunch stuff for them. It's ok, makes nice lunches for the girls since the big kids don't touch all the yummy stuff. Of course when they get home from school they raid the kitchen because they are starving. My money is on them having a bag of chips or a cracker from friends or something. I get on their case about eating the whole fridge since I make dinner fairly early any more and they get home at 4 now. I gotta make dinner around 5 - 5:30 since the girls need to eat and start the bed time process that takes several hours. I usually have a compromise with the kids, either you do the dishes and pick up the table and I watch the girls or I'll do the kitchen and you watch the girls. Anthony usually likes to pick the kitchen only cause picking the girls involves diaper changes and pajama changes. He doesn't mind it unless he has to do the wild one...Catherine.
It's funny on Wednesday's or Thursday's when Cisco is here because he is somewhat familiar with the routine...at least the routine up until about 2:00pm. Since he is usually out the door and at work by then. I will see him heading upstairs with Charlie or Cecilia at 7:00pm and I always ask what he's doing. He will say he's going to take her upstairs so she can go to bed. I usually have to remind him that at 7 she gets her bottle but she stays down here, since she will play after drinking some and then actually be ready for bed at 8. Any sooner than 8 usually results in having to go and get her because she crys so much.
It's just the little things that I have gotten used to. I know the little quirks they have, what certain cries mean and what they like to do and when. I know that if it was him here all day and all night it would be the same. He is such a good dad, he figures it all out, he does everything without complaint, he offers and suggests to stay all day with the girls so I can get out of the house. It's always nice but of course by the time I'm out and walking around somewhere I regret going and wish I would have stayed home. His day's off go by so damn fast that I just want to be with him. It's that time of year where we have to try and keep the girls in the house as much as possible due to flu and RSV season but if I go anywhere I want it to be with him, girls or no girls.
It's so rare that we get to go out alone. Either for the evening or for and afternoon just to go to the store, I dread going home when we are alone though. I wish for the life of me that when we do go out we could talk about anything other than the kids, but it is impossible since they are such a big part of everything...they are everything. But, when we are alone together I miss it just being about us. Us being able to make it about us. I know that it will happen again because it happened with the big kids. We were able to go out for a whole weekend and leave A&O with the grandparents because we knew they would be ok, we knew that they could help with things or partially take care of themselves. We were able to do that little bit of letting go and focus on ourselves...finally. Just like with the 3 C's they were the only subject talked about at dinner, in the car, getting ready for work, AT work. But I had noticed that as kids get older and not that you lose sight or focus on them, you are able to let go a little bit and get back to what you used to be before all the kids. You can sleep in a little longer if you want, or go grocery shopping alone while they are hanging out at the house. It was nice, everyone enjoyed the little bit of leverage that they were given, made us feel more free and the kids LOVE the little bit of lead way.
Now we have two different trials and tribulations that we are going through. Raising teenagers and toddlers. I always thought the teenagers part would be much easier. No, I was wrong. I have to set boundries that will keep them safe and their heads on straight while still letting them explore and learn the world on their own. No boyfriends or girlfriends right now, they don't argue about it cause they know Cisco and I won't hear any of it. We had said it should be funny when they do start dating cause I had said if they want to go out on a date they have to take a sister with them. They looked at me like I was crazy when I told them about it. "WHY?!!!" It's easy...it will keep them honest and their shirts down and pants up. If they take a little sister they can't do anything they shouldn't be. Not only would they do or be able to go anywhere you can't take a 3 or 4 year old, they would get tattle taled on so much. Forget the chastity belt...take a toddler! It's just scary out there...always has been but much more now.
I'm not looking forward to dealing with the teenage thing twice in my lifetime. At least I'll have the other two out of the house and be given a little bit of a break before it all starts again!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Peanut Butter and Jelly Cupcakes
Since there were so many requests for the recipe I thought this would be easier than sending it to everyone.
I normally make cake and cupcakes from scratch but I was in a rush this time so I used a boxed cake mix.
For the frosting:
1/2 cup (1stick) softened butter
1 cup creamy peanut butter
4 cups powdered sugar
Start with 1/3 cup cream
Note: I used heavy cream
So...with a hand or stand mixer mix the butter and peanut butter until fluffy and smooth. Add half the powdered sugar to the combination and mix. Then add the heavy cream. After adding the cream, if the mix is still thick add a bit more. Then add the rest of the powdered sugar, if more cream is needed mix in until you reach your desired consistency.
I have a piping tool that gets the jelly in the middle of the cupcake but if you don't have one then you could use a condiment squirt bottle. You have to use your best judgement on how much jelly goes in the middle. If you put too much the cupcake won't hold together it will fall apart and if you don't put enough you will miss out on the peanut butter and JELLY part! ;-)
Put the frosting on top and enjoy!!!
I normally make cake and cupcakes from scratch but I was in a rush this time so I used a boxed cake mix.
For the frosting:
1/2 cup (1stick) softened butter
1 cup creamy peanut butter
4 cups powdered sugar
Start with 1/3 cup cream
Note: I used heavy cream
So...with a hand or stand mixer mix the butter and peanut butter until fluffy and smooth. Add half the powdered sugar to the combination and mix. Then add the heavy cream. After adding the cream, if the mix is still thick add a bit more. Then add the rest of the powdered sugar, if more cream is needed mix in until you reach your desired consistency.
I have a piping tool that gets the jelly in the middle of the cupcake but if you don't have one then you could use a condiment squirt bottle. You have to use your best judgement on how much jelly goes in the middle. If you put too much the cupcake won't hold together it will fall apart and if you don't put enough you will miss out on the peanut butter and JELLY part! ;-)
Put the frosting on top and enjoy!!!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Random and Open at 4:30am...
There are always so many thoughts in my head at any one point in time. I always start or head to do something and get side tracked, it's almost like having ADHD. "I have to go and put the checks in the mail, oh yeah, let me fold that laundry first." Three hours later..."I have to go put the checks in the mail..." while heading over to the desk I hear a baby wake up and I have to go and feed her. None the less the checks get into the mail 3-4 days later. I have become scatter brained. I'm hoping that this is because there is a lack of sleep and there are always babies to tend to.
I'm a worry wart. I always have been, ever since I was a small child. Don't talk to me about the end of the world. Don't show me movies or television programs about signs about it or anything revolving around it. I become too paranoid and highly depressed and upset about it. January 1, 2000 posed it's own problems and I refused to leave the house and became highly paranoid when all the hype about May 21, 2011 came around. I know how silly and funny it all seems to you, but for some reason it all scares me to the point of insanity some times, so lets just say I'm going to be one hell of a mess come December 12, 2012. I am over protective of my kids because of all the crazies out there. Who said that only little children can be kidnapped and murdered...no one, so don't blame me for not letting my kid not enter your house unless I know you. I know too many people that are not protective enough and bad things have happened and then they wonder why. My kids roll their eyes, however, they don't understand fully the way I grew up with my dad. There was no supervision, there were no curfew's, there were boundries onto where and when I was to go and be home. However, there was no one there to make sure it all was done. He was at work where he was supposed to be in order to take care of us. But being in Jr. High and with no one there to really take care of me unless it was Wednesday or Thursday proved to be great. Looking back on it all now, I put myself in way too many dangerous positions. Walking home from a friends house that lived about 4 miles away at midnight? No problem, I could take care of myself...stupid. I'm all about trusting your children, however, my dad trusted too much at that time.
I can't go to sleep in complete darkness and silence. It drives me mad. I have to have the television on, even if it's on and low and all I do is roll over. When there is complete silence nothing but negativity flows through my brain. When it starts it's hard to stop. Most of the time when it happens all I can do to make it go away is pray that God help me think good things, turn the television on and then hopefully fall peacefully asleep. I am quite curious as to why this happens. Sometimes it makes me cry since I don't understand it and I don't know how to stop it. Often times I will wait for Cisco to come home since it's easier to go to sleep, but there are many times where I try not to go to sleep in fear that I won't wake up to see the next day. I sit in bed and listen to my heart beat and wonder if it's going too fast, is that pain in my chest in my chest or do I just have a tummy ache? There is something wrong with me...seems like it anyway at the time.
I don't want to be too tired to take care of me anymore. I'm too tired to go to the gym, take the dog for a walk, hell I hate going to the mailbox anymore because I have to exert energy that could be used to get to the kitchen to make a bottle. I'm embarassed at how I look and I always promise myself that I will make a "change" tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes, it's just too crazy and when I get the chance to go or to do something about it I'm just exhausted. Good thing we have stairs that's about the only real exercise I get anymore besides chasing babies around the damn house and cleaning it all the time.
I dread the sun going down. I believe this has a lot to do with living with my dad when I was little, since most nights I was alone.
I wish that I wasn't embarrassed at my house. No hallway floor upstairs, the girls have no door knob on their door, let alone paint on it, their baseboard is still a mess, I need a new couch in the den, I need a dog gate so that the dog can't get to the new couch in said den, my dishwasher has been in the repairing stages for months and I injure myself on it daily, my back yard is gross ( I want to poison the neighbors tree, that would do it ), and the floor needs to be replaced in the living room. I think this is why I HATE having people over. Too much anxiety on how they think the place looks. Unfortunately, unless there is a miracle I don't see my husband and I geting to most of these things until the girls are in Jr. High.
I love going to the grocery store. Again, since this was the only times on my dad's days off that we would really DO stuff together and he would have to do it sober.
I love my mom but resent her at the same time. I swear all the time I'm not going to call her and ask her to come over since I am so angry with her, but it's horrible since at the same time all I want to do is be around her and I pack up my 5,000 kids and items and head over to her house since she always has an excuse not to come to me. It's horrible to feel like I am seeking approval and trying to shove my kids at her to pretty much say, "hey look! I have kids too, don't you think they are pretty great too?!"
I need help. But, most of the time when I break down and finally decide to ask, no one answers the phone, they are busy or they can't because they are eating dinner or something. So, the solution? Don't ask.
I'm damaged goods. The relationship that I am currently in is the only one that I have been in where I have not been cheated on (pretty sure anyway). Which I would say leaves me with some pretty deep scars and some serious trust issues. I think I have nearly ruined my current relationship many many times especially in the early years due to this. However, I don't think that I was completley wrong in some theory's that I had along the way.
I wish I could enjoy time to myself. I can't because when I am alone it's too quiet. I miss my big kids, I miss my babies and I miss my husband. I don't know how to enjoy being alone anymore. I used to and I wish I could sometimes.
I wish I was more put together. I feel like my house is a complete pig sty half the time. Most people think it's in great shape with 5 kids running around. I think it's because I'm always on the big kids to pick up their stuff and help out, but they are only so much help since most of the time they only do what they "Have" to do, don't ask for anything extra or you will get an eye roll or a heavy breath being expelled. Not worth the drama anymore.
There are times when showing affection or a snuggle or two are some of the most difficult things for me to do. I have a theory on this one too, but I don't think I'll share that at this time.
Every year I have to write a letter to the parole board as to why someone should be kept in prision...I dread it every time I see it.
I feel like I am a horrible friend. Relationships take time, they take care, they take work. Time is hard to find anymore, it all goes to keeping the relationships at home moving along and working well. There are many times when they don't but those need to be my priority right now. I feel horrible that I am not able to pick up the phone and call someone back when I say that I will and I feel even more horrible when people don't understand as to why I wasn't able to do it. I hate to say it but it is easier for me to keep up with someone through a text than it is to call. I can text and "hear" you better than I can over the phone since most of the time I have a screaming baby in my lap. I get sad when I am alone at night and want to just pick up the phone and call someone to talk and look through my contacts and realize that there really aren't any up at 10:00 at night that have the time to do it too. The friends that I do have are great because they have the same crazy schedule.
Pretty random I know, but these are thoughts and feelings that keep me up at night, these are things that I keep inside me, these are things that I need to get out even if it is to a world of people I don't know or a world full of ones that I do.
I'm a worry wart. I always have been, ever since I was a small child. Don't talk to me about the end of the world. Don't show me movies or television programs about signs about it or anything revolving around it. I become too paranoid and highly depressed and upset about it. January 1, 2000 posed it's own problems and I refused to leave the house and became highly paranoid when all the hype about May 21, 2011 came around. I know how silly and funny it all seems to you, but for some reason it all scares me to the point of insanity some times, so lets just say I'm going to be one hell of a mess come December 12, 2012. I am over protective of my kids because of all the crazies out there. Who said that only little children can be kidnapped and murdered...no one, so don't blame me for not letting my kid not enter your house unless I know you. I know too many people that are not protective enough and bad things have happened and then they wonder why. My kids roll their eyes, however, they don't understand fully the way I grew up with my dad. There was no supervision, there were no curfew's, there were boundries onto where and when I was to go and be home. However, there was no one there to make sure it all was done. He was at work where he was supposed to be in order to take care of us. But being in Jr. High and with no one there to really take care of me unless it was Wednesday or Thursday proved to be great. Looking back on it all now, I put myself in way too many dangerous positions. Walking home from a friends house that lived about 4 miles away at midnight? No problem, I could take care of myself...stupid. I'm all about trusting your children, however, my dad trusted too much at that time.
I can't go to sleep in complete darkness and silence. It drives me mad. I have to have the television on, even if it's on and low and all I do is roll over. When there is complete silence nothing but negativity flows through my brain. When it starts it's hard to stop. Most of the time when it happens all I can do to make it go away is pray that God help me think good things, turn the television on and then hopefully fall peacefully asleep. I am quite curious as to why this happens. Sometimes it makes me cry since I don't understand it and I don't know how to stop it. Often times I will wait for Cisco to come home since it's easier to go to sleep, but there are many times where I try not to go to sleep in fear that I won't wake up to see the next day. I sit in bed and listen to my heart beat and wonder if it's going too fast, is that pain in my chest in my chest or do I just have a tummy ache? There is something wrong with me...seems like it anyway at the time.
I don't want to be too tired to take care of me anymore. I'm too tired to go to the gym, take the dog for a walk, hell I hate going to the mailbox anymore because I have to exert energy that could be used to get to the kitchen to make a bottle. I'm embarassed at how I look and I always promise myself that I will make a "change" tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes, it's just too crazy and when I get the chance to go or to do something about it I'm just exhausted. Good thing we have stairs that's about the only real exercise I get anymore besides chasing babies around the damn house and cleaning it all the time.
I dread the sun going down. I believe this has a lot to do with living with my dad when I was little, since most nights I was alone.
I wish that I wasn't embarrassed at my house. No hallway floor upstairs, the girls have no door knob on their door, let alone paint on it, their baseboard is still a mess, I need a new couch in the den, I need a dog gate so that the dog can't get to the new couch in said den, my dishwasher has been in the repairing stages for months and I injure myself on it daily, my back yard is gross ( I want to poison the neighbors tree, that would do it ), and the floor needs to be replaced in the living room. I think this is why I HATE having people over. Too much anxiety on how they think the place looks. Unfortunately, unless there is a miracle I don't see my husband and I geting to most of these things until the girls are in Jr. High.
I love going to the grocery store. Again, since this was the only times on my dad's days off that we would really DO stuff together and he would have to do it sober.
I love my mom but resent her at the same time. I swear all the time I'm not going to call her and ask her to come over since I am so angry with her, but it's horrible since at the same time all I want to do is be around her and I pack up my 5,000 kids and items and head over to her house since she always has an excuse not to come to me. It's horrible to feel like I am seeking approval and trying to shove my kids at her to pretty much say, "hey look! I have kids too, don't you think they are pretty great too?!"
I need help. But, most of the time when I break down and finally decide to ask, no one answers the phone, they are busy or they can't because they are eating dinner or something. So, the solution? Don't ask.
I'm damaged goods. The relationship that I am currently in is the only one that I have been in where I have not been cheated on (pretty sure anyway). Which I would say leaves me with some pretty deep scars and some serious trust issues. I think I have nearly ruined my current relationship many many times especially in the early years due to this. However, I don't think that I was completley wrong in some theory's that I had along the way.
I wish I could enjoy time to myself. I can't because when I am alone it's too quiet. I miss my big kids, I miss my babies and I miss my husband. I don't know how to enjoy being alone anymore. I used to and I wish I could sometimes.
I wish I was more put together. I feel like my house is a complete pig sty half the time. Most people think it's in great shape with 5 kids running around. I think it's because I'm always on the big kids to pick up their stuff and help out, but they are only so much help since most of the time they only do what they "Have" to do, don't ask for anything extra or you will get an eye roll or a heavy breath being expelled. Not worth the drama anymore.
There are times when showing affection or a snuggle or two are some of the most difficult things for me to do. I have a theory on this one too, but I don't think I'll share that at this time.
Every year I have to write a letter to the parole board as to why someone should be kept in prision...I dread it every time I see it.
I feel like I am a horrible friend. Relationships take time, they take care, they take work. Time is hard to find anymore, it all goes to keeping the relationships at home moving along and working well. There are many times when they don't but those need to be my priority right now. I feel horrible that I am not able to pick up the phone and call someone back when I say that I will and I feel even more horrible when people don't understand as to why I wasn't able to do it. I hate to say it but it is easier for me to keep up with someone through a text than it is to call. I can text and "hear" you better than I can over the phone since most of the time I have a screaming baby in my lap. I get sad when I am alone at night and want to just pick up the phone and call someone to talk and look through my contacts and realize that there really aren't any up at 10:00 at night that have the time to do it too. The friends that I do have are great because they have the same crazy schedule.
Pretty random I know, but these are thoughts and feelings that keep me up at night, these are things that I keep inside me, these are things that I need to get out even if it is to a world of people I don't know or a world full of ones that I do.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Crazy Babies...
These babies are driving me crazy today. I'm hoping all they want to do is nap, so that there is not a ton of crying. My nerves are still standing on end from yesterday. I don't know if they didn't take a long enough nap, or if they weren't feeling good, maybe they will be starting to go through teething soon...who knows but it was non stop yesterday. I was so over it by about 6pm. I'm really glad that my mom came over to help, however, I was hoping that it would have been sooner than 8:30pm, hey, at least she was able to come over.
I know that there is something up when they act like that, since they aren't overly cry baby like. So I just throw it up to something bothering them. I want to get into the car and go for a drive so bad. I think it's the weather. I think that if I just had a car to do it, I'm sure that I would pack up the girls and drive somewhere. I'm pretty sure that by the time I got to my destination I would seriously regret my decision! Well, maybe I will go hide in my room now since these little terrors are asleep for right now. Now, time to figure out din din.
I know that there is something up when they act like that, since they aren't overly cry baby like. So I just throw it up to something bothering them. I want to get into the car and go for a drive so bad. I think it's the weather. I think that if I just had a car to do it, I'm sure that I would pack up the girls and drive somewhere. I'm pretty sure that by the time I got to my destination I would seriously regret my decision! Well, maybe I will go hide in my room now since these little terrors are asleep for right now. Now, time to figure out din din.
Monday, October 18, 2010
October 13, 2010
They have arrived. They arrived early, which made me very uneasy since they were only 28 weeks and 6 days old. When I went into the hospital 4 days earlier it was because my water broke. So when I checked into the hospital it was the ultimate goal to keep those babies inside for another couple of weeks, at least 4. The thought of being on bed rest at the hospital and only being allowed to get up and use the restroom was depressing. Family was working during the day, Cisco was at work at hight and if I was lucky he would spend lots of time during his days off, but we had Anthony and Olivia at the house and he needed to spend time with them. I thought I was doing really good even with my water being broke, no real problems, babies heartbeats were really good when I was being monitored. Earlier in the day they did an ultrasound and they noticed that there was nearly no water around Catherine and Charlie, I had been leaking most of the day and they thought that Charlie broke her water as well. Now, when we were doing the monitoring on Wednesday night it looked a little grim. The girls heartbeats were higher than usual and it was hard to monitor Charlie and Catherine on the machine, they kept moving and finally the nurses settled with leaving a monitor on Cecilia and tried hard to keep the monitors on Charlie and Catherine. The nurses left out of the room to call the doctor and I was told that I had to get some blood drawn to see if an infection was starting. They took blood and we waited for the results. The doctor called me and told me that if there were signs of infection we would be going into surgery pretty fast. So after an hour, I was told that I was showing signs of infection so we were going to be delivering the babies.
We rolled into the prep area and got ready, FAST. When we were in the delivery room they were quick, I was pretty drugged on Morphine but I remember that it didn't seem to take long for the doctor to get those girls out. My first was Catherine born at 10:57pm, and then I had Cecilia at 10:58pm, then there was my Charlie at 11:00pm. I teased my mom the next day and told her that I couldn't think of what to get her for her birthday so I thought that three granddaughers would work as a perfect present.
Cisco went out of the room with the NICU doctor when the doctor took the girls. He was able to see them before me and spend at least a little bit of time with them. I'm sure that they were so busy doing things for them.
Waking up the next day I was nothing but tired and sore and sick of people coming into my room to take vitals, temperature, and blood from me. I just wanted to sleep and get off those drugs so I could go and see my girls. I was finally able to do so and when I did I could not believe how tiny they were. I've never seen such a thing. My heart just broke thinking how I was unable to hold my babies and not knowing when I would be able to do so. The doctors are the best and they were being very realistic with me as in what to expect.
As the days went on Catherine was doing better as each day went by. It seemed that with each passing day there was good news and moving forward with her getting better and getting off machines, now she is on breast milk and seems to be doing well with it. She has no more lights on her and she is on a very minimal amount of oxygen which is great.
Cecilia has PAD (I just found out lastnight that she had it as well) but since her oxygen has been going down, I am assuming that her PAD is closing which is great. She is no longer on lights either, and today when we went to go and see her she was awake after the nurse changed her diaper, she looked at us, she sneezed about 5 times in a row (just like her mama) and stayed awake for the entire visit. It just about killed me to leave her since she was awake.
When we got there Charlie was being prepped to get her PICC line so that could remove the arterial line out of her belly button, so we couldn't visit with her at that time. But when we went yesterday she was doing better.
I am just so thankful for all the family, friends and church family that we have because we have been having nothing but prayers and good wishes for our girls. I truly believe that our faith and love for eachother and our family has kept us strong and has gotten us through this very difficult time. Everything is day by day. And since there will be great days and days with set backs we have to be prepared for it all. Nothing but a rollercoaster ride, but I have faith and my girls seem to be very strong, and they are little fighters so I have nothing but high hopes for them to come home sooner than expected.
~M
We rolled into the prep area and got ready, FAST. When we were in the delivery room they were quick, I was pretty drugged on Morphine but I remember that it didn't seem to take long for the doctor to get those girls out. My first was Catherine born at 10:57pm, and then I had Cecilia at 10:58pm, then there was my Charlie at 11:00pm. I teased my mom the next day and told her that I couldn't think of what to get her for her birthday so I thought that three granddaughers would work as a perfect present.
Cisco went out of the room with the NICU doctor when the doctor took the girls. He was able to see them before me and spend at least a little bit of time with them. I'm sure that they were so busy doing things for them.
Waking up the next day I was nothing but tired and sore and sick of people coming into my room to take vitals, temperature, and blood from me. I just wanted to sleep and get off those drugs so I could go and see my girls. I was finally able to do so and when I did I could not believe how tiny they were. I've never seen such a thing. My heart just broke thinking how I was unable to hold my babies and not knowing when I would be able to do so. The doctors are the best and they were being very realistic with me as in what to expect.
As the days went on Catherine was doing better as each day went by. It seemed that with each passing day there was good news and moving forward with her getting better and getting off machines, now she is on breast milk and seems to be doing well with it. She has no more lights on her and she is on a very minimal amount of oxygen which is great.
Cecilia has PAD (I just found out lastnight that she had it as well) but since her oxygen has been going down, I am assuming that her PAD is closing which is great. She is no longer on lights either, and today when we went to go and see her she was awake after the nurse changed her diaper, she looked at us, she sneezed about 5 times in a row (just like her mama) and stayed awake for the entire visit. It just about killed me to leave her since she was awake.
When we got there Charlie was being prepped to get her PICC line so that could remove the arterial line out of her belly button, so we couldn't visit with her at that time. But when we went yesterday she was doing better.
I am just so thankful for all the family, friends and church family that we have because we have been having nothing but prayers and good wishes for our girls. I truly believe that our faith and love for eachother and our family has kept us strong and has gotten us through this very difficult time. Everything is day by day. And since there will be great days and days with set backs we have to be prepared for it all. Nothing but a rollercoaster ride, but I have faith and my girls seem to be very strong, and they are little fighters so I have nothing but high hopes for them to come home sooner than expected.
~M
Monday, October 04, 2010
Babies...Babies...Babies...
Well I know that I should probably be writing about the wedding...and I will in due time, I want to do it when I have some pictures to share as well. But since I don't have any yet I have decided to write about the babies.
We have started on the nursery finally. It took long enough. I think the only thing that was holding us back was the wedding. One thing at a time. We started tearing apart the wall and soon we will be continuing on to paint and put in all of their stuff into the room, which will be a huge relief since as of right now it is all in our living room. I can't wait to have that room back to normal. We look like hoarders right now.
The babies are due to be delivered on November 14 or 15 if all goes to plan. Which I am certainly hoping happens. We have so much more to do before they come to our little world. I am so nervous about them coming, not just because there will be three babies to take care of, but the delivery and recovery itself is terrifying me. I had a ceserean with Anthony so I know what to expect in that sense, but it was a horrible experience and I do not look forward to reliving it again. We picked out the names for the girls, but only family really know the names and I think I am going to keep it that way for a while. When they come I think I will post a picture with their names attached. I have so many ideas for the nursery but just not enough $$$ to bring them to life. I'm sure sooner or later we will be able to make it happen, but it's just been such a busy year, with the wedding and no rest in between now to dig right into the girls. It's exhausting that is for sure!
Well more to come soon, since I will be on my maternity leave soon and I will be able to send updates more often.
~M
We have started on the nursery finally. It took long enough. I think the only thing that was holding us back was the wedding. One thing at a time. We started tearing apart the wall and soon we will be continuing on to paint and put in all of their stuff into the room, which will be a huge relief since as of right now it is all in our living room. I can't wait to have that room back to normal. We look like hoarders right now.
The babies are due to be delivered on November 14 or 15 if all goes to plan. Which I am certainly hoping happens. We have so much more to do before they come to our little world. I am so nervous about them coming, not just because there will be three babies to take care of, but the delivery and recovery itself is terrifying me. I had a ceserean with Anthony so I know what to expect in that sense, but it was a horrible experience and I do not look forward to reliving it again. We picked out the names for the girls, but only family really know the names and I think I am going to keep it that way for a while. When they come I think I will post a picture with their names attached. I have so many ideas for the nursery but just not enough $$$ to bring them to life. I'm sure sooner or later we will be able to make it happen, but it's just been such a busy year, with the wedding and no rest in between now to dig right into the girls. It's exhausting that is for sure!
Well more to come soon, since I will be on my maternity leave soon and I will be able to send updates more often.
~M
Monday, June 21, 2010
Fly Me To The Moon...
I recently downloaded this song onto my iPhone since I had been forgetting to do it for the longest time. I love it...I always thought that it was a great song, but it just holds a completely different meaning now.
On the night that Cisco proposed to me they played this song at the Bellagio along with the fountain show while we were having dinner on the terrace at Olives. Ever since then when I hear the song I think of the water shooting up and the song going along with it all. I can still picture in my head the which way the fountains turned at certain points of the song and when the water would shoot up high into the sky. Depending on the song that plays with the water it brings tears to my eyes for some reason and this song did that to me...it always does now. It's definately one that I plan on dancing with my husband to at our wedding.
~M
Monday, May 03, 2010
Oh Baby...
Well as if planning a wedding that will be taking place in a little over 4 months wasn't hectic enough...throw being pregnant into the mix. Yep, found out a couple weeks ago that we will be expecting a little Cisco Jr. or Melissa Jr. So that means wedding in September and baby in either late December or early January. Wow...now that's a lot of planning, I'm tired just thinking about doing it all.
I'm glad though, I'm ready to do it again. I'm ready to do it again and not be alone in the whole process either so I am excited. It's strange, or it will be, to have someone want to and that does go to doctor appointments. Holds onto my belly when the baby starts to move and talks to him/her. Someone to love me and take care of me through all the good, bad and really ugly times that my rear it's head.
It's another adventure that we are partaking on and I am so excited. Everything is happening at once, it seems overwhelming, but it's ok, there is plenty of support.
It's a little scary to think that the last time I did this was 11 years ago. I went to Babies R Us recently and was shocked at all the crap they have now. They even have these little things to put in the toilet so when you are potty training your boy he has something to aim at, it's little styrofoam things that are good for the environment or something. Whatever happened to throwing some Cherrios in the toilet and letting them go at it? Why do you have to buy something to do it? They have pee guards too...now why? They are cute, but totally impractical. Uh, cover the thing up with a wipe or diaper anyone? I don't know, I'm sure these are some of the gifts that I may be recieving, and maybe it's just seeming like a little much, but just like the last time everything will fall into place, new routines will be set and we will all move on with our new little family.
~M
I'm glad though, I'm ready to do it again. I'm ready to do it again and not be alone in the whole process either so I am excited. It's strange, or it will be, to have someone want to and that does go to doctor appointments. Holds onto my belly when the baby starts to move and talks to him/her. Someone to love me and take care of me through all the good, bad and really ugly times that my rear it's head.
It's another adventure that we are partaking on and I am so excited. Everything is happening at once, it seems overwhelming, but it's ok, there is plenty of support.
It's a little scary to think that the last time I did this was 11 years ago. I went to Babies R Us recently and was shocked at all the crap they have now. They even have these little things to put in the toilet so when you are potty training your boy he has something to aim at, it's little styrofoam things that are good for the environment or something. Whatever happened to throwing some Cherrios in the toilet and letting them go at it? Why do you have to buy something to do it? They have pee guards too...now why? They are cute, but totally impractical. Uh, cover the thing up with a wipe or diaper anyone? I don't know, I'm sure these are some of the gifts that I may be recieving, and maybe it's just seeming like a little much, but just like the last time everything will fall into place, new routines will be set and we will all move on with our new little family.
~M
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
5 Months...
In 5 months from now I will be married...
In 5 months from now we will officially be a family...
In 5 months from now a new chapter begins...
It's strange and scary to think how 5 months went by so quickly. It was actually only 5 months ago that Cisco asked me to be his wife over a beautiful dinner. Since that point every little detail has been thought of and accounted for. Now it's just a matter of putting the finishing touches on everything, and paying all of our vendors down. It's so exciting when we start to do a new project for the wedding. Going to get Cisco's tux fitted and picked out seemed more difficult than picking out my own dress. There were so many choices and decisions to be made, but it was exciting. Same with picking out the flowers, the cake and all the other little things. I have decided on what kind of favors to do, now the hard part is chosing where to get them without paying out of my nose.
Olivia's aunts are my bridesmaids and I am so excited that they agreed. I love them like if they were my own sisters and I am so happy that they agreed to be a special part of our day. Debbie in particular has been quite helpful with all the little questions that I have and all the near meltdowns that I nearly have. She is able to put out that fire and make me see things in a different light and then things aren't so bad. Debbie, Diane and Olivia are the ones throwing me a bridal shower and I am so excited. I feel so blessed to have the extended family that I do, they show so much love and support and always have. I am very lucky and I know that.
I am getting a little nervous as the time nears for me to send out my invitations and to get the replies for the attending and not attending notes. Cisco is telling me horror stories of people he works with who have guests who invite others and don't mention it or just put down that they will be bringing 4 additional people when only 2 were invited. It scares the living s*** out of me because, I don't want to have to deal with it. I'm hoping that the group of people that we have invited to our wedding are kind and polite enough to not do such things...but I guess it would be impossible to think that things will go flawlessly. I think that I would be in complete shock if it did actually.
Well hopefully as time get's closer the stress will start to lessen...I say that because I've been having nightmares about it all and I think I'm just stressing about things a little. I think I may be thinking about some things a little more than I should or that I think that I am.
In 5 months I will be getting married...
In 5 months I will be Melissa Salinas...
~M
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Just a Waiting Game...
So there is a little over 6 months until my big wedding blow out. I have been thinking long and hard about many aspects of this wedding and hoping that all of my effort and thought will pay off and be appreciated by my family and friends. I think that it will, but I guess that I am just thinking about it right now. Now is the time where we are just trying to get together money and pay things off slowly, and I'm telling you it feels like it is going slowly. Cisco and I have made a sheet that lists all of the expenses and the deposit amounts and the amounts that we have left to do. I have highlighted the ones that are completely paid off and left the others alone, I think this week or within the next couple weeks would be to highlight some more of those columns. I am hoping that we fall into some money soon...or that Cisco does if he does his taxes so that we can pay down a few more things.
I'm still torn on finding favors, but not completely. My mom and I went looking the other day and found some really cute ideas, so at least now I am not completely left feeling lost. Also, Cisco and I have decided on not getting a cake topper for our cake since after looking at the cake again we feel that it would take away from the beauty of the cake itself. I think this will be a good idea, I don't know where I would put another figurine anyway. I hope I don't regret the decision later though.
I think other than that, I am just waiting to see when Cisco will get it together and figure out the tuxes for him and the boys, as well as the limo and the room. I'm getting anxious, but I don't want to pester him quite yet about it.
~M
I'm still torn on finding favors, but not completely. My mom and I went looking the other day and found some really cute ideas, so at least now I am not completely left feeling lost. Also, Cisco and I have decided on not getting a cake topper for our cake since after looking at the cake again we feel that it would take away from the beauty of the cake itself. I think this will be a good idea, I don't know where I would put another figurine anyway. I hope I don't regret the decision later though.
I think other than that, I am just waiting to see when Cisco will get it together and figure out the tuxes for him and the boys, as well as the limo and the room. I'm getting anxious, but I don't want to pester him quite yet about it.
~M
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Now What...
So there are some things that have been paid for completely, dress/invitations/etc, and then most things have a deposit down on them at least with the exception of the cake, makeup artist and I don't know if we will need one for the DJ or not, but we haven't looked at any rooms yet for the wedding party or the wedding night and we haven't looked in detail at the tuxes. I am waiting for the information from the florist and hopefully that will come in within the next couple of days.
Now what? I guess I just have to wait for the money to start rolling in, and making a plan every payday to see who gets a chunk of money, I'm thinking that I start paying off the small stuff first. Like the photographer, the cake, the videographer, etc. Then I can hit the bigger thing and the one that is the most stressing...the reception venue. I'm worried, but at the same time I know that everything will fall into place like it is supposed to do. I think that it just seems like there is so much that still needs to get done and unless I fall into a pile of cash soon, I am just going to have to take it one day at a time. I have everything picked out and partly paid for so I guess the hard part is done :)
Now what? I guess I just have to wait for the money to start rolling in, and making a plan every payday to see who gets a chunk of money, I'm thinking that I start paying off the small stuff first. Like the photographer, the cake, the videographer, etc. Then I can hit the bigger thing and the one that is the most stressing...the reception venue. I'm worried, but at the same time I know that everything will fall into place like it is supposed to do. I think that it just seems like there is so much that still needs to get done and unless I fall into a pile of cash soon, I am just going to have to take it one day at a time. I have everything picked out and partly paid for so I guess the hard part is done :)
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
7 Months...15 Days and Counting...
It's getting closer. I still have to go and talk to a florist and actually hammer down some kind of budget I think. I started doing a seating chart for immediate family, but kind of figured since I was doing that I might as well do one for everyone else. I'm not sure how that is going to work out, but I'm I can figure it out. Payday is coming up so that means, putting money away and seeing if there are any other deposits that I will have to do ASAP so that I don't lose a vendor. It's getting kind of stressing and the other thing is I'm not sure what to do first. We haven't talked too much about the wedding, I think that Cisco is leaving a big part of this up to me, which is fine, but I need some imput from him about what the next step is and what we should focus on next. I know it will all work out, but it's just stressing thinking about it right now.
I am really excited though...I can't wait to walk down the aisle and see my husband. I can't wait to see my friends and family waiting there also. I can't wait to have my dad and step-dad walking me down the aisle. I can't wait to dance, eat, talk and have a great time with everyone that was looking forward to this moment as much as I was. I love the person that I am getting married to, I feel so lucky that I know all the good, bad and incredible things that I do about him and about us. I'm glad that we went through some serious s**t in the previous years, because now we know that we can withstand anything. I can't see anything breaking the bond that we share right now. It would have to be pretty damn bad to shake us up, at least me anyway.
I love you my dear and I hope I can wait the 7 months...15 days, then I will be your wife.
~M
I am really excited though...I can't wait to walk down the aisle and see my husband. I can't wait to see my friends and family waiting there also. I can't wait to have my dad and step-dad walking me down the aisle. I can't wait to dance, eat, talk and have a great time with everyone that was looking forward to this moment as much as I was. I love the person that I am getting married to, I feel so lucky that I know all the good, bad and incredible things that I do about him and about us. I'm glad that we went through some serious s**t in the previous years, because now we know that we can withstand anything. I can't see anything breaking the bond that we share right now. It would have to be pretty damn bad to shake us up, at least me anyway.
I love you my dear and I hope I can wait the 7 months...15 days, then I will be your wife.
~M
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Done...Done...Working...Done...
So there have been a lot of things that have been accomplished in the last week or so, I'm sure a nice paycheck helped, but either way it was things that had to get done so that I wouldn't lose my mind!
We went to two bakeries and sampled cakes, we were able to decide on one of those places which was surpising and a great relief to me. I think that I was going to be overly picky about the cake. Let's face it, I know a little about cakes and I also knew what I was looking for in one as well as in a bakery. I was pleasantly surprised when we went to Little Chef's Bakery. They had a wonderful selection of cakes to chose from as well as being able to move flavorings around. The price was reasonable, however, I was willing to pay a half decent price for the cake. I didn't want to have to provide a sheet cake in the back for my guests, I just personally didn't like the idea of doing that. I felt that if I was I might as well go to WalMart and get a couple of sheet cakes and do the damn thing myself.
We put down the deposit on the reception and ceremony site. That was fun...not. It was but at the same time I thought I was going to toss my cookies in the parking lot after it was done. I think that it just hit me all at once what was going on, the money I was about to shell out for a party and the excitement and nerves of thinking about paying for MY wedding. I'm glad Cisco was there with me, I think I would have had a hard time otherwise.
When we finished there we went to go and order the Save The Dates, I felt excited to do it since we had our date locked in. I was scared to death to do it before that, I so didn't want to jinx it! They are cute, I can't wait to put them together and mail them out! Cisco and I weeded out some more of the invitations, so it left me with 4 to choose from and Olivia and her grandma came with me today to help me do that. Let's just say that at the end of Friday afternoon my brain was fried. I think I was a little snappy at Cisco. I didn't mean to but I think that I just felt like every time I got out of the car I was either writing a check or handing over my ATM card to some one, and it wasn't for a $25.00 bill either, more like a couple hundred. I think it was just the initial shock of it all though. I had just better get used to it, because it's going to be happening a lot in the very near future.
However, since I am thinking about it right at this moment I am quite glad that I have been doing everything that I have been. The following items are either done or on their way to getting done...
1. Wedding Dress - Done
2. Veil - Done
3. Jewelry - Done
4. Shoes - Done
5. Garter, Pillow, Guest Book, Flower Girl Basket - Almost Done
6. Save The Dates - Done
7. Invitations - Deposit Done
8. Venue - Deposit Done
9. Photographer picked out
10. Bakery picked out
I really do feel like I have done a lot in the little bit of time that I have been working on things. I am looking forward to not needing to owe anyone any money by the time my wedding day comes along. It's exciting...it's nerve wrecking...I'm happy. I know that it will be like a rollercoaster until the big day, with good days and moments but also with bad ones to. I think that it is just to be expected. I think that I will get through it and with a little help from God so will Cisco :-P
~M
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Still So Unreal...
I sit in my living room and text people for their addresses, look online at places that make wedding cakes and drag Cisco to finish registering. All the while, I feel like I am doing it all for another person. I don't know why, but it just doesn't feel like I'm the one getting married, I don't know if it all has not sunk in yet or what by I'm still in awe sometimes when I think about it. When I look at all the work I have already done for the wedding and when I look at all the work that I still have to do to get finished with it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, I can't wait and I am happy that I am ACTUALLY getting married, but I think that since I had waited for it for such a long time, it just seems unreal right now. I can't believe that next week I'm going to start paying for the biggest party of my life, and if you can believe it I am actually worried that people won't come. I think I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry all night if that actually happened, but I doubt that it will. I have such wonderful friends and family and I know they wouldn't do such a thing to me.
Sometimes I'll be driving to work and there will be a song that I love that comes on the radio and I turn it up and sing to it, and I think about how I want it to play at my wedding and then the little movie starts in my head. I think about my Father Daughter dance, I think about people wanting to dance with me because I'm the bride and I think about dancing with my Husband for the first time. I think about the cake, I think about the flowers and I think about all the people wanting to talk to us and congratulate us. I want to cry when I think about it, it just makes me so happy. The anticipation is horrible, but then I think of all the things that I still have to do and 7 months does not seem like a long enough time. I wish that all my bridesmaids lived in town, I guess it would make me feel better with the whole planning process. I'm in dark waters here, I have no clue what to do, where to go and in what order to do it all in. My mom never had a formal wedding and so she doesn't know either. I am relying on Olivia's aunts to help me along the way and they have been great. I email them with my long list of questions and concerns and they write me back with all the answers. I guess I'm just worried that we will run out of time or money...I think the money part will come first. That's why I'm saving asking my dad for anything until we really need it, then I won't feel so bad. :)
I'm excited and I just have to remember that all the worrying and eagerness will be worth it on September 11, 2010.
~M
Sometimes I'll be driving to work and there will be a song that I love that comes on the radio and I turn it up and sing to it, and I think about how I want it to play at my wedding and then the little movie starts in my head. I think about my Father Daughter dance, I think about people wanting to dance with me because I'm the bride and I think about dancing with my Husband for the first time. I think about the cake, I think about the flowers and I think about all the people wanting to talk to us and congratulate us. I want to cry when I think about it, it just makes me so happy. The anticipation is horrible, but then I think of all the things that I still have to do and 7 months does not seem like a long enough time. I wish that all my bridesmaids lived in town, I guess it would make me feel better with the whole planning process. I'm in dark waters here, I have no clue what to do, where to go and in what order to do it all in. My mom never had a formal wedding and so she doesn't know either. I am relying on Olivia's aunts to help me along the way and they have been great. I email them with my long list of questions and concerns and they write me back with all the answers. I guess I'm just worried that we will run out of time or money...I think the money part will come first. That's why I'm saving asking my dad for anything until we really need it, then I won't feel so bad. :)
I'm excited and I just have to remember that all the worrying and eagerness will be worth it on September 11, 2010.
~M
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Slowly But Surely...
Things haven't come to a halt exactly, but I'm just afraid to really move forward with the planning until the deposit is down at our reception/ceremony venue which will be next week. Then I can order my save the dates as well as start talking to the cake and catering people. I am excited and I know that things are going to start moving along at a pretty quick pace from here on out. Which is good, but I'm hoping that they hire another ordertaker soon, or it's going to get really tough really fast. I've been working a lot of overtime, which is good, but I'm just too tired most of the time to do the research that I should be doing when I am at home.
Next week will probably consist of the following things getting done...if I'm up to it...
~ Place deposit
~ Order Save the Dates
~ Talk with flower person
~ Talk with at least 2 cake people
~ See if Nordstrom still has the necklace that I want to buy for the big day
~ Call hair dresser and find out a time line
~ Call makeup artist to set up dry run of makeup sometime soon
~ Take Cisco and finish registering
I think that this list is one that could possibly get done...if I get home and sleep at least 5 hours after work. This is when I wish I was still working for Rick full time. I would be able to do everything that needed to be done (or at least the things that I want to get done by this point)and not have any problems. But the good thing with this job is that with all the overtime I can put more money away right now. I think that I have to come to a decision on the invitations as well because I want to put down the deposit for that as well so I don't run into any problems later.
We will see, I just know that I will have to enlist the help of my dear Husband to be...and I know that he will help me, he knows that it's the best thing to do :)
~M
Monday, December 28, 2009
Now We Can Focus On Planning...
So since Christmas is offically over, family is gone, kids go back to school and everything is going to be returning to normal soon I can offically focus on planning the wedding. The deposit is going to be made in early January and the venue has agreed to hold the date until then. We have registered at one place and now I just have to make sure Cisco goes with me to another so we can finish it. The one project that I did do was to make a wedding website, which was quite fun. We have had 53 site visits to it, but only one person left a comment...which makes me wonder who has been looking at it. I'm sure that it's out there for more than just my guests but I still wonder.
Two of my bridesmaids have come with me to go and look at dresses and we were actually able to pick some out. It was quite exciting actually. I still feel in a daze when I go to do wedding stuff though, I guess because it still feels like it's not really happening. I guess 30 is a good age to get married. That number still sounds so old to me, at least when I say it out loud. It will be nice though I'm excited. I only have to wait for another couple of months to order my little flower girl's dress, Olivia's dress and I have to wait unitl my little nephew is born before my MOH can order her dress. I think I will be on pins and needles until that time comes, only because of the time lines that the girl at the store told me about. I guess that is something that is to be expected though and I shouldn't be surprised, I'm sure that feeling is not going to be fleeing soon.
Well I think the next big project will be to pick out the cake and flowers, that scares the S*** out of me, just by looking at all of the prices and everything. We have picked out a cake, now we just have to find a baker that we (I) trust and think that can do what I want as far as the design goes. I guess I should talk to Cisco and see what flavoring of cake he would want, I know he wants Tiramisu, but I don't know if they are able to do it. We will see soon though.
~M
Two of my bridesmaids have come with me to go and look at dresses and we were actually able to pick some out. It was quite exciting actually. I still feel in a daze when I go to do wedding stuff though, I guess because it still feels like it's not really happening. I guess 30 is a good age to get married. That number still sounds so old to me, at least when I say it out loud. It will be nice though I'm excited. I only have to wait for another couple of months to order my little flower girl's dress, Olivia's dress and I have to wait unitl my little nephew is born before my MOH can order her dress. I think I will be on pins and needles until that time comes, only because of the time lines that the girl at the store told me about. I guess that is something that is to be expected though and I shouldn't be surprised, I'm sure that feeling is not going to be fleeing soon.
Well I think the next big project will be to pick out the cake and flowers, that scares the S*** out of me, just by looking at all of the prices and everything. We have picked out a cake, now we just have to find a baker that we (I) trust and think that can do what I want as far as the design goes. I guess I should talk to Cisco and see what flavoring of cake he would want, I know he wants Tiramisu, but I don't know if they are able to do it. We will see soon though.
~M
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...
We know where the wedding is going to be, we know what day (as long as we can get the deposit together soon), we know who is going to be in the wedding party, the dress - shoes - tiara and veil have been picked out. Now comes the interesting part...the invitations, cake, flowers, hotel, makeup person...etc. All of the decisions that are most definately going to give me a headache in the long run. I'm trying to get help from my little fiance, however, he's not all that interested in some of it. I ask him to help me pick things out and he does to a certain point but, then he tells me to make the final decision. You would think that it would be nice to have full power of some of the decision making...I can get what I want! But it's so much harder because I have to take into consideration price and all that stuff. I wish I could just walk into a store and say, "I'll take that, and that and that" But like every other bride, it's just very rarely like that. It's ok, it's just more time consuming I guess.
When I started doing the planning, I was thinking how easy it was going to be to plan it. I knew what I wanted so it would be simple to pick out the final products, but it wasn't. I know what I want but then there is finding the store or vendor that may have it, but then put price into the equation. Tricky, tricky.
I know what kind of bouquets I want, but can I afford it? If I can't will I be able to come up with an option that I can live with and not cringe at when thinking about it? The same with the cake. It's so scary! I don't want to look at my wedding pictures and say...I really didn't like my cake or my flowers, but otherwise it was nice. I just think those are the things that you will remember and I want to come to compromises that I am happy with, I don't want to settle.
And with all the decisions comes tons upon tons of questions...should I have a seating chart? Do the bridesmaids pay for their dresses, shoes and hair to be done or do I? What is the etiquite for letting people know where you're registered at? I thought that reading all these wedding magazines would help me, but it's just putting more are more questions in my head, I'm left spinning. I look to Cisco for answers but he looks like he wants to hide and not come out until September.
I know it will all work itself out, but right now it's just seeming like a lot.
~M
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Themed Weddings...
I'm not sure if it was a mistake or a really good idea but....while listening to a song that Cisco was saying could be our song to dance to I had mentioned how it would be funny if the theme was an 80's wedding. I was just kidding but you should have seen how is face lit up and then the ideas started pouring out of his mouth..."I could have a blue tux!" That was enough for me...I regretted the words that had escaped my mouth right away.
After thinking about it and talking about how fun it would be I'm slowly considering it...only considering.
But how do you put a elegant ceremony (outfits and all) mixed with an 80's themed reception without doing aqua net hairstyles and trashy leg warmer type dresses for the girls to wear at the altar? I think that is the one thing that I am fighting with internally. When I say no to the idea Cisco starts with, "you're such a party pooper!" so I do want a different wedding, but it would have to still come out tasteful.
So let the ideas begin...
~M
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