So many things going through my head, so many things going through my mind.
My kids are the number one thing that is going through right now. They are getting older and it bothers me like you would never believe. Olivia starts High School this next school year and that is so hard to believe. I remember when she could barely say Anthony's name. I remember the first time I met her and she saw me and immediately walked up to me and crawled into my lap. She pointed to her shoe that was untied, which I assume had meant that she would like it tied. I did it and even after she was still content to sit there and smile and communicate with me. I found the picture that Cisco had taken of the moement a few years ago and I framed it and gave it to her for Christmas last year or the year before. I had told her the story of us meeting tons of times before because she had asked, so when I was trying to think of something to get her that was special that Christmas the hunt for that picture started. I was really glad I had found it because it had meant a lot to her to have it. I miss her being little, I miss the giggles that only little people can give.
I think the feeling with Anthony is a bit different for obvious reasons, but it tears me up just as much. He is taller than me now. His voice is changing. He is turning 13 in a few weeks. What happened? Where did the time go? I feel like one minute he was laying in my bed and napping with me, us watching Jurassic Park for the one billionth time and taking silly pictures all alone in our little apartment and condo. Now I have a "teenage" boy. One that is more content on being in his room and messing with his things, giving me a hard time and trying to figure out how to rebel against us without crossing any lines, but since he doesn't know how, he gets into more trouble doing it. Today when Cisco and I were cleaning out the garage and going through old books figuring out what to get rid of and what to keep, he found the book I had bought Anthony right after he was born, I Love You Forever. The top corner has been chewed away and not by him but by our little Lulu that we no longer have. I flipped through it, so quickly. I didn't have any time to even really read words and that is probably a good thing because without even reading it and just flipping through I was brought to tears, just thinking about how true it has all become. The day I bought it and read it it all seemed like such a far and distant future, like it was a place that would take me years to get to. My son would be a teenager one day but it would take years and years, and feel like forever. The day is here and it takes my breath away when I think about it. I lay in bed sometimes and cry and think that the little soul that I had growing inside of me for 9 short months and gave birth to, taught to walk and talk is now walking and talking and making me laugh and making me sad. He is turning into a man in front of my very eyes and it seems like I just was not given enough time with him being small. Not enough hugs and snuggles, not enough "I love you mommy". It all feels like it was just a dream, something that has happened in a blink of an eye. I miss it all and it breaks my heart knowing that that part of my life with my son is coming to a close. He talks about what he wants to do when he is out of high school. He talks about getting married, having kids what he wants to do with his life. It hurts me and brings me joy knowing that is only a few short years away before I will be witnessing it all.
I feel like I was given a second chance with my babies to see them grow up. I missed out on quite a bit of the little things with Anthony because I was working all the time to try and provide for us. Now that I can't work because it would just be too expensive to put them into daycare, I spend morning, noon and night with them. And when it all becomes too much to bear I have to think about how fast it all went with Anthony. I think about how little they were, how I couldn't hold Charlie for weeks because she was too sick and the same with Cecilia and even little Catherine. The joy on my face when I was told that I could finally hold them couldn't be contained. I find myself thinking of those days, those days bring me my strenth to deal with all of this when I am overwhelmed, when I am wishing for a bit of peace, when I feel like the bottom is just going to fall out at any time. I think of all the feelings to sadness, depression, of hopelessness. Now all of that has passed and my girls are home, they yell, they scream, they fight, they cry. But they also laugh, smile, walk, talk, crawl, give hugs, give kisses, wave bye bye and come to give me hugs. Cecilia and Charlie aren't walking yet and that's ok with me, cause I know it's going to happen soon. This last year has gone by so fast with the girls, I am amazed everyday at how big they have gotten, to see all the things that they know and that they have learned along the way. I'm so lucky to be able to be here all the time with them and see their transformation every day.
It's all just so overwhelming sometimes and it all just hits me at one time. I don't know what else to do but to write and get it out. The times that I haven't I just cry and cry in bed and can't sleep so I guess this is the better way.