Sunday, December 18, 2011

Christmas 2010 vs. Christmas 2011

Christmas 2010 could be summed up in one simple sentence...I was not interested in it at all.

My family was not together yet. Catherine was home and I was very thankful for that, however, Cecilia and Charlie were still so sick and weren't anywhere close to coming home. I kept being filled with false hope and different developments veryday from the NICU visits. I could care less if there was going to be a tree up, shopping, cooking any of the trivial crap that happens during the holiday (at least that is what I thought last year). All anyone told me is "you can't forget that you have other kids and you have to do it for them" well I did, I put up the tree in the middle of December and cooked like one batch of cookies. That was it. I just didn't have the heart, it didn't seem right to me that we were celebrating a time and a holiday that makes family more important than ever when I only had part of my family together. I didn't have any interest in anyone coming over to visit for the holiday, I just wanted to be in the NICU with my girls. Depressing, depressing, that's all it was for me. I rushed everyone out fairly early on Christmas day because I wanted us to go to the NICU to see the girls and Santa was going to be by to visit them as well. I was so happy when it was all over and everyone was gone and back at home, cause I just wanted to be left alone. I was exhausted, between Anthony, Olivia and Catherine at home during most of the day the rest of my time was spent in the NICU and even though I'm sure I was there a lot, it still seemed like I was not there enough. It hurt my heart when I had to leave, cause the visits seemed like they were further apart and it was mostly because Catherine was at home and I needed to breast feed her and take care of her and the other kids too.

Flash to a year later and I'm busier now, or so it seems, and I'm runing around like crazy. Shopping with the babies, cooking, cleaning, baking and fussing with them and the kids. I think back on a year and I can't believe how far my girls have come, how far we have come as a family. This Christmas is a big one for me as I'm sure for all of us. Cecilia and Charlie are home, they are crawling and getting into everything, Catherine is walking and running and making messes everywhere. We are all together and a crazy BIG family this year and I can't wait for all our family to come and spend time together, I look forward to every scrap of paper, every mess these kids make and every bit of smiles and laughter that we will be hearing and seeing this year. I'm sure there will be tears on my end this year, but it's more out of pure relief, joy and happiness that those days are behind us.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Just so Random...

Wake up call is usually 6:30 - 7:00am and that is coming from Kitty's crib next to my side of the bed, which I actually declared mine while I was pregnant with the girls since it was better for my back for some reason. Take her down and sit with her so she doesn't freak out since when she wakes up she likes to be held and then she will crawl down and play or walk around when she is ready. The big kids are pretty good about getting themselves up and ready for school, with Anthony I'm sure it helps that he doesn't have to be out the door until 8:00 this year.

I have given up on them taking their lunch to school, it's one less stress I need in my life. I have everything there, however, my kids are just lazy. I'm sure they are either eating their friend's lunches or taking their own money. I refuse to send them to school with lunch money when I have lunch stuff for them. It's ok, makes nice lunches for the girls since the big kids don't touch all the yummy stuff. Of course when they get home from school they raid the kitchen because they are starving. My money is on them having a bag of chips or a cracker from friends or something. I get on their case about eating the whole fridge since I make dinner fairly early any more and they get home at 4 now. I gotta make dinner around 5 - 5:30 since the girls need to eat and start the bed time process that takes several hours. I usually have a compromise with the kids, either you do the dishes and pick up the table and I watch the girls or I'll do the kitchen and you watch the girls. Anthony usually likes to pick the kitchen only cause picking the girls involves diaper changes and pajama changes. He doesn't mind it unless he has to do the wild one...Catherine.

It's funny on Wednesday's or Thursday's when Cisco is here because he is somewhat familiar with the least the routine up until about 2:00pm. Since he is usually out the door and at work by then. I will see him heading upstairs with Charlie or Cecilia at 7:00pm and I always ask what he's doing. He will say he's going to take her upstairs so she can go to bed. I usually have to remind him that at 7 she gets her bottle but she stays down here, since she will play after drinking some and then actually be ready for bed at 8. Any sooner than 8 usually results in having to go and get her because she crys so much.

It's just the little things that I have gotten used to. I know the little quirks they have, what certain cries mean and what they like to do and when. I know that if it was him here all day and all night it would be the same. He is such a good dad, he figures it all out, he does everything without complaint, he offers and suggests to stay all day with the girls so I can get out of the house. It's always nice but of course by the time I'm out and walking around somewhere I regret going and wish I would have stayed home. His day's off go by so damn fast that I just want to be with him. It's that time of year where we have to try and keep the girls in the house as much as possible due to flu and RSV season but if I go anywhere I want it to be with him, girls or no girls.

It's so rare that we get to go out alone. Either for the evening or for and afternoon just to go to the store, I dread going home when we are alone though. I wish for the life of me that when we do go out we could talk about anything other than the kids, but it is impossible since they are such a big part of everything...they are everything. But, when we are alone together I miss it just being about us. Us being able to make it about us. I know that it will happen again because it happened with the big kids. We were able to go out for a whole weekend and leave A&O with the grandparents because we knew they would be ok, we knew that they could help with things or partially take care of themselves. We were able to do that little bit of letting go and focus on ourselves...finally. Just like with the 3 C's they were the only subject talked about at dinner, in the car, getting ready for work, AT work. But I had noticed that as kids get older and not that you lose sight or focus on them, you are able to let go a little bit and get back to what you used to be before all the kids. You can sleep in a little longer if you want, or go grocery shopping alone while they are hanging out at the house. It was nice, everyone enjoyed the little bit of leverage that they were given, made us feel more free and the kids LOVE the little bit of lead way.

Now we have two different trials and tribulations that we are going through. Raising teenagers and toddlers. I always thought the teenagers part would be much easier. No, I was wrong. I have to set boundries that will keep them safe and their heads on straight while still letting them explore and learn the world on their own. No boyfriends or girlfriends right now, they don't argue about it cause they know Cisco and I won't hear any of it. We had said it should be funny when they do start dating cause I had said if they want to go out on a date they have to take a sister with them. They looked at me like I was crazy when I told them about it. "WHY?!!!" It's will keep them honest and their shirts down and pants up. If they take a little sister they can't do anything they shouldn't be. Not only would they do or be able to go anywhere you can't take a 3 or 4 year old, they would get tattle taled on so much. Forget the chastity belt...take a toddler! It's just scary out there...always has been but much more now.

I'm not looking forward to dealing with the teenage thing twice in my lifetime. At least I'll have the other two out of the house and be given a little bit of a break before it all starts again!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Peanut Butter and Jelly Cupcakes

Since there were so many requests for the recipe I thought this would be easier than sending it to everyone.
I normally make cake and cupcakes from scratch but I was in a rush this time so I used a boxed cake mix.

For the frosting:
1/2 cup (1stick) softened butter
1 cup creamy peanut butter
4 cups powdered sugar
Start with 1/3 cup cream

Note: I used heavy cream

So...with a hand or stand mixer mix the butter and peanut butter until fluffy and smooth. Add half the powdered sugar to the combination and mix. Then add the heavy cream. After adding the cream, if the mix is still thick add a bit more. Then add the rest of the powdered sugar, if more cream is needed mix in until you reach your desired consistency.

I have a piping tool that gets the jelly in the middle of the cupcake but if you don't have one then you could use a condiment squirt bottle. You have to use your best judgement on how much jelly goes in the middle. If you put too much the cupcake won't hold together it will fall apart and if you don't put enough you will miss out on the peanut butter and JELLY part! ;-)

Put the frosting on top and enjoy!!!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Random and Open at 4:30am...

There are always so many thoughts in my head at any one point in time. I always start or head to do something and get side tracked, it's almost like having ADHD. "I have to go and put the checks in the mail, oh yeah, let me fold that laundry first." Three hours later..."I have to go put the checks in the mail..." while heading over to the desk I hear a baby wake up and I have to go and feed her. None the less the checks get into the mail 3-4 days later. I have become scatter brained. I'm hoping that this is because there is a lack of sleep and there are always babies to tend to.

I'm a worry wart. I always have been, ever since I was a small child. Don't talk to me about the end of the world. Don't show me movies or television programs about signs about it or anything revolving around it. I become too paranoid and highly depressed and upset about it. January 1, 2000 posed it's own problems and I refused to leave the house and became highly paranoid when all the hype about May 21, 2011 came around. I know how silly and funny it all seems to you, but for some reason it all scares me to the point of insanity some times, so lets just say I'm going to be one hell of a mess come December 12, 2012. I am over protective of my kids because of all the crazies out there. Who said that only little children can be kidnapped and one, so don't blame me for not letting my kid not enter your house unless I know you. I know too many people that are not protective enough and bad things have happened and then they wonder why. My kids roll their eyes, however, they don't understand fully the way I grew up with my dad. There was no supervision, there were no curfew's, there were boundries onto where and when I was to go and be home. However, there was no one there to make sure it all was done. He was at work where he was supposed to be in order to take care of us. But being in Jr. High and with no one there to really take care of me unless it was Wednesday or Thursday proved to be great. Looking back on it all now, I put myself in way too many dangerous positions. Walking home from a friends house that lived about 4 miles away at midnight? No problem, I could take care of myself...stupid. I'm all about trusting your children, however, my dad trusted too much at that time.

I can't go to sleep in complete darkness and silence. It drives me mad. I have to have the television on, even if it's on and low and all I do is roll over. When there is complete silence nothing but negativity flows through my brain. When it starts it's hard to stop. Most of the time when it happens all I can do to make it go away is pray that God help me think good things, turn the television on and then hopefully fall peacefully asleep. I am quite curious as to why this happens. Sometimes it makes me cry since I don't understand it and I don't know how to stop it. Often times I will wait for Cisco to come home since it's easier to go to sleep, but there are many times where I try not to go to sleep in fear that I won't wake up to see the next day. I sit in bed and listen to my heart beat and wonder if it's going too fast, is that pain in my chest in my chest or do I just have a tummy ache? There is something wrong with me...seems like it anyway at the time.

I don't want to be too tired to take care of me anymore. I'm too tired to go to the gym, take the dog for a walk, hell I hate going to the mailbox anymore because I have to exert energy that could be used to get to the kitchen to make a bottle. I'm embarassed at how I look and I always promise myself that I will make a "change" tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes, it's just too crazy and when I get the chance to go or to do something about it I'm just exhausted. Good thing we have stairs that's about the only real exercise I get anymore besides chasing babies around the damn house and cleaning it all the time.

I dread the sun going down. I believe this has a lot to do with living with my dad when I was little, since most nights I was alone.

I wish that I wasn't embarrassed at my house. No hallway floor upstairs, the girls have no door knob on their door, let alone paint on it, their baseboard is still a mess, I need a new couch in the den, I need a dog gate so that the dog can't get to the new couch in said den, my dishwasher has been in the repairing stages for months and I injure myself on it daily, my back yard is gross ( I want to poison the neighbors tree, that would do it ), and the floor needs to be replaced in the living room. I think this is why I HATE having people over. Too much anxiety on how they think the place looks. Unfortunately, unless there is a miracle I don't see my husband and I geting to most of these things until the girls are in Jr. High.

I love going to the grocery store. Again, since this was the only times on my dad's days off that we would really DO stuff together and he would have to do it sober.

I love my mom but resent her at the same time. I swear all the time I'm not going to call her and ask her to come over since I am so angry with her, but it's horrible since at the same time all I want to do is be around her and I pack up my 5,000 kids and items and head over to her house since she always has an excuse not to come to me. It's horrible to feel like I am seeking approval and trying to shove my kids at her to pretty much say, "hey look! I have kids too, don't you think they are pretty great too?!"

I need help. But, most of the time when I break down and finally decide to ask, no one answers the phone, they are busy or they can't because they are eating dinner or something. So, the solution? Don't ask.

I'm damaged goods. The relationship that I am currently in is the only one that I have been in where I have not been cheated on (pretty sure anyway). Which I would say leaves me with some pretty deep scars and some serious trust issues. I think I have nearly ruined my current relationship many many times especially in the early years due to this. However, I don't think that I was completley wrong in some theory's that I had along the way.

I wish I could enjoy time to myself. I can't because when I am alone it's too quiet. I miss my big kids, I miss my babies and I miss my husband. I don't know how to enjoy being alone anymore. I used to and I wish I could sometimes.

I wish I was more put together. I feel like my house is a complete pig sty half the time. Most people think it's in great shape with 5 kids running around. I think it's because I'm always on the big kids to pick up their stuff and help out, but they are only so much help since most of the time they only do what they "Have" to do, don't ask for anything extra or you will get an eye roll or a heavy breath being expelled. Not worth the drama anymore.

There are times when showing affection or a snuggle or two are some of the most difficult things for me to do. I have a theory on this one too, but I don't think I'll share that at this time.

Every year I have to write a letter to the parole board as to why someone should be kept in prision...I dread it every time I see it.

I feel like I am a horrible friend. Relationships take time, they take care, they take work. Time is hard to find anymore, it all goes to keeping the relationships at home moving along and working well. There are many times when they don't but those need to be my priority right now. I feel horrible that I am not able to pick up the phone and call someone back when I say that I will and I feel even more horrible when people don't understand as to why I wasn't able to do it. I hate to say it but it is easier for me to keep up with someone through a text than it is to call. I can text and "hear" you better than I can over the phone since most of the time I have a screaming baby in my lap. I get sad when I am alone at night and want to just pick up the phone and call someone to talk and look through my contacts and realize that there really aren't any up at 10:00 at night that have the time to do it too. The friends that I do have are great because they have the same crazy schedule.

Pretty random I know, but these are thoughts and feelings that keep me up at night, these are things that I keep inside me, these are things that I need to get out even if it is to a world of people I don't know or a world full of ones that I do.

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Crazy Babies...

These babies are driving me crazy today. I'm hoping all they want to do is nap, so that there is not a ton of crying. My nerves are still standing on end from yesterday. I don't know if they didn't take a long enough nap, or if they weren't feeling good, maybe they will be starting to go through teething soon...who knows but it was non stop yesterday. I was so over it by about 6pm. I'm really glad that my mom came over to help, however, I was hoping that it would have been sooner than 8:30pm, hey, at least she was able to come over.

I know that there is something up when they act like that, since they aren't overly cry baby like. So I just throw it up to something bothering them. I want to get into the car and go for a drive so bad. I think it's the weather. I think that if I just had a car to do it, I'm sure that I would pack up the girls and drive somewhere. I'm pretty sure that by the time I got to my destination I would seriously regret my decision! Well, maybe I will go hide in my room now since these little terrors are asleep for right now. Now, time to figure out din din.