Insomnia

I don't know what my problem is but for the last couple of weeks I have been unable to go to sleep at night. Usually the television needs to be on and while hugging two pillows I drift off into a comforatable sleep. However, this has not been happening lately. I either go onto My Space and write in my blog, cause people actually read them on there, or I go and play Literati on Yahoo.

It's driving me nuts, especially with school and work, I wake up totally exhausted and drained. I don't know what to do about it any more. I thought about taking some sleeping pills but I know that isn't a good idea.

School. That is the only explination for it all. I think since I go four days a week and for three and a half hours each day all of the stuff that I learn is just revolving around in my head. I guess it is good, but then I start to think about it all too much and can't sleep. I don't know. I think it will go away soon, but I doubt it. With another 4 week intensive class coming up it will continue for a while.

I am going on a much needed camping trip this weekend. I've needed to get away from work for a while and just focus on me and especially my relationship with the Cisco. I think things have seemed a little rocky for him for the last couple of weeks. My biggest suspision is that he has been reading my blog. I don't know where else he would get the idea. I have been seeing a lot of friends that I went to high school with lately, but just for a casual lunch here and there nothing serious. Just catching up on how life has been. I think that is what has him convinced at times that I am getting ready to leave. One friend that I told our recent conversation to was glad. She seems to think this is the kind of wake up call that he needs to see how much I am and mean to him.

I guess. I still think that it is hard for anyone to give any kind of suggestions for this relationship. It is quite unique in it's own sick and twisted ways. As always I know things will work out for better or for worse. I think it makes me kind of happy to see that he is showing some emotion about it all. I don't think I have ever seen him too concerned about our relationship. Usually it has always been me asking, "Are you alright", "Is everything ok?" but now it is him and with the way my life has been going lately with school and work it seems that I get quite aggrivated at the fact of him feeling unsure, especially when he knows how I feel about things.

I am glad that we did talk the other day, I think it has helped things. But I only think that it will help things if he doesn't forget about the conversation and takes into serious consiteration what I said to him. If he chooses not to then he is leaving our future together in his own hands. I have found that I don't want to break down and cry anymore when I think of us splitting up. I get more angry about it. Due to the fact that I put him mainly to blame if it were to happen. I think his views on some issues and the way he has treated me in the past has poisoned some aspects of our relationship. I endured a great deal during the first few years of our relationship that I can guarantee no other woman has.

I have been understanding and patient with this man and sometimes I feel as if he has never noticed any of it. I have put many things in my own life on hold or pushed them aside so that I may nurture our own relationship and put effort into our relationship. I do not feel that he has done any of that with the exception of the past maybe two or three years.

I am glad that he is starting to feel different about things and is seeing me in a different light. I hope that it continues and he keeps growing in that regard, but I try not to get my hopes up too high just in case he decides to ignore his feelings again.

I love him to death, but in some ways enough is enough. A great deal of the issues from before are starting to surface again and I am re-evaluating them, trying to be ok with the non-marrage issue. I did tell him that would only work if other things changed. I hope he took seriously what I said. I think he did, atleast it sounded as though he did.

Well I think I went on yapping for long enough, I'm still not tired so that means it's Literati time.

~M