For My One And Only...

Anthony,

In this insomnia state that I am in now I think of the things that make me smile about you but also make me sad to the fact that you are indeed growing up and it will only be a few more years that you will be only mine.

I think what made me think of the whole topic at all was that I couldn't sleep and the fact that I have been apart from you quite a bit lately with school and work. It kills me to think of the time that I am not spending with you so that I may go to school, but then I think of all the opportunities that we will have as a family later on down the road. I think it will be a great success when I finish with I what I have started and both you and I can be proud. I wish that I could cut time out of work or not work at all so that I may let you have and do all the things that your heart wishes. I think that I accomplish a great deal of it even if it is only on weekends.

I laughed in bed a minute ago and woke Cisco up because I was thinking of you with that TOOTH and you holding Hubble and pretending he can fly. Then I was wondering how much longer you would have such an imagination and a heart for the impossible. I don't think more than 3 and if I am lucky 4 years. I can quite honestly say that I did not think that you would grow up to be the young man that you are so quickly. I fondly think of the times when you were a baby and all I got to do for a whole day was hold you and feed you and make you laugh. I miss those days but I am also thankful for the days that I have now. You can do things for yourself and talk to me and let me know how you feel and how things make you feel. I get learn who you are as your own individual and not one that I have molded completely. I know that I have had something to do with it but some of it is left up to you to decide.

You choose who your friends are and who you are as a person in the long run. I just hope sometimes that I taught you right from wrong and good from evil. I hope that you will learn from my mistakes and take heed to the warnings that I have given you.

I love the way you laugh and the way that you talk right now. I know a lot of it comes from school, friends and maybe even TV or movies, but it is still cute all the same and I think it is because of the innocence that is related to it all. I love your new phrase, "Mommy, you just had to wake me from my beauty sleep didn't you?" And the look that goes with it. Like I committed some horrible insult to you. A "How dare you" kind of look. I think it is so adorable right now.

I know the years are fast approaching where waking you up for school will be nothing but a true nightmare. I remember the days when my mom tried to wake me up and now all I have to say is,"Sorry mom".

You hold me tightly and won't let go, you kiss me sweet little Anthony kisses, you tell me you love me more than the world and you tell me never to go away. I love you for all that and even now it makes me want to cry. Because I know the mean words will come from your teenage lips and all I will think of is the innocence that is deep down inside. The days of I love you's and a million kisses. The pictures made from school and the poems that go with them.

I don't want to let go of the Anthony I know. The crossed arms of anger, the schmegal inside. The playful boy that never wants to get ready for school. The one that I have to fight with to finish homework now and again. The little person that I once had inside of me that is now growing up thinking his own thoughts and making his own mark.

I have nothing but sweet wishes for you and dear thoughts of you. I don't ever want you to grow up but I am now faced with the reality of it HAVING to happen regardless of how much I wish for it to go away or for time to freeze where it is. I can't do anything but take a picture of you in my heart and memory and remember the moments that make me cry now, smile now and laugh now so that I can do the same when you are older when you have your kids and you have gone your own path. Hopefully you will remember too when we were just we.

I love you forever, I'll never let go of that small little something that I held long ago.

M