Thinking of Leaving

As I have expressed many times before in other posts thoughout, since I started on this, I love my boyfriend with all my heart.
He says that he loves me and he decides to show me that he does also, but I doubt it a lot of the time due to the issues in the past. These are not issues that are not going to go away, ever. I know that and have known that for a very....very long time. I am ok with that part of it and all that it entails.

Our relationship has been doing good and we haven't had any real problems besides the fight of the century over the laundry. Which has been settled, so far. But I think the issue that has been bothering me the most is the marriage part of it all.

Either last week or the week before he was giving me a hug in the kitchen and he said that he loved me and I believe I told him that he should marry me then. He replied, "you don't want to marry me, you just want to get married." Well that was like a huge butcher knife into my heart. I couldn't believe that he had said that to me. I told him that wasn't true and that I wanted to marry him and be with him. He started to say the same thing again and I told him that I am beautiful and I could marry anyone that I wanted and be with anyone that I wanted but I chose to be with him and love him.

I think the thing that is the worst part of it is his daughter being in the car with me and telling me that she misses her mom and telling me how much she loves her and how much she loves me. Then she will continue with wanting me to marry her dad so that she will have a 2nd mom so that she will have twice the love. I don't know what to say sometimes and I always have to choke back tears when she is telling me this. My son says he wants us to get married also. I get so bitter about the whole thing sometimes that I don't know how to react to my boyfriend when he comes home. I am just in a bad mood and don't want to talk to him.

Lately whenever one of the kids says that they want us to get married and we are both in the room I look at both kids and then to my boyfriend and say, "He doesn't want to marry me." and they get mad at him. I feel ok about that for a moment or two, but then all of my feelings come back and I feel depressed about the whole thing once again.

I have been thinking about leaving him and letting this be it but I can't bring myself to do it, not yet anyway. I think the hardest part for me is the kids. We have been together so long that it's too hard thinking about them not being together anymore. They whine for eachother when they go on separate vacations I could just imagine how they would act if we were separated perminately.

It just rips me in half when I hear those kids say things like, "I wish you two would get married so that we could be a real family." or "I want us all to be together forever." I don't know how much longer I can listen to that and just smile and say that's just how things are for right now. I can see in their eyes that expination is getting old and is not flying over too well anymore.

I will leave with the words of Olivia and Anthony......

"I want us to be a family."

M