Undecided...

So it has been crazy around for the last couple of months with one class of the summer session ending and being in the middle of another one is starting to take my breath away. I am very proud at the fact that I have actually stuck through with the whole thing and am doing quite well.

I think another "scare" if that is what you can call it is the curiosity of why I was "late" and the thoughts that were surrounding it all. I was quite worried about the whole thing and disapointed when it came around to "that time" and it hadn't arrived yet.

The last thing that I wanted to deal with was another person around me and having to set aside things that were important to me.

As time went by and I informed the Cisco of the situation I became indifferent over the whole thing. If it was then what would my next step be and if it wasn't then that would be ok too. I tried not to think about it, I decided I would just wait until the next month to find out if anything became of it.

Then the Cisco and I went out to lunch one afternoon last week and he told me that if I was to hatch someone then he would be there and we would make it work. It surprised and pleased me at the same time that he actually had a smile on his face when he was telling me this. I didn't think that I should be expecting something like that at all. Not that reaction from the man that swore up and down that he would never have another kid. So it was almost nice to see that. He put me at ease and almost made me cry. He had told me that if it was that I deserved it and I should be allowed to have a little of the fairy tale that is in my head since I don't get to have the marrage part of it. That made me so happy and actually touched me.

That was where the indifference ended and the flirtation of the thought began. I was thinking how nice it would be to have a child with someone who loved me. I never got to experience that with Anthony. I was happy when I was pregnant, I think because I didn't have a bunch of baby daddy drama going on. But I always told myself that with the next one I would do it right. Even if I wasn't married the least that I could do was follow though with someone that loved me as much as I loved them. I thought of how nice it would be to go to the doctor's appointments together and all the other stuff that is involved.

Then a couple days later the demon came. I was so upset. I almost began to cry. I was partly mad that it came and also upset at the fact that I allowed myself to entertain the thoughts. I had told myself early on when I first was late that it was unlikely that I was a prego, but then the conversation and the time that wore on made me think different.

I am beginning to get over the disapointment that I have, but I'm still a little hurt at the fact that my thoughts and dreams got the best of me. I know that I should take it for what it is, but I think that it is ok to be a little disapointed as long as I don't let it get the best of me. I give myself another day and then I will be back to my old self.

~M