Looking In...

So one of the big assignments that I have for my Communications 102 class is an essay on "Looking In" at ourselves. Which covers the material that we have learned so far. We have to write about our self concept and how we came to the conclusion of out self concept, who we thing has had an influance on it and all. I have been thinking very hard about this and I am afraid that the essay is going to be quite disturbing. I almost want to post it when I am finished with it. Now, I haven't even started it but I have begun searching deep inside of myself to think about the how's and why's of me and what has lead me to where I am and who has had the influances on me being where I am today.

I think what is extremely upsetting to me is that I have always been a daddy's girl.

But, unfortunately I think some of my worst "habits" or "traits" that I have is because of him. I know that he has always loved me and cared for me, but he was never the kind of dad that was real interested in showing affection. I know it is because of the way he was raised and the way his parents were, but I always thought that the goal of a parent was to not be like their parents when it came to the negative things.

Some of the things that I catch myself doing is just like what my dad would do. I don't spank Anthony anymore, I made myself stop doing that. Now, it only happened when it was strongly warrented. He always definately deserved it, but I began hating myself because of it. I couldn't believe that I would let myself become so angry at something that didn't have a huge impact on our way of life or the danger of another person. My dad was so fast to spank my brother and I for things that I look back on and think were stupid. Things that could have been solved by spending large amounts of time in my room or being grounded. I think I especially hated the excuses that I heard when I was given the spankings with the famous leather belt that he would snap when coming down the hallway to issue the capitol punishment. "It's because I am worried about you" or the other one that was my favorite was "This hurts me more than it hurts you". Yeah, those were the days.

I think one particular punishment will always stick and to this day my dad is saying he is sorry. I was 5 and we were at the grocery store. This was back in the day where we didn't have any money and my dad had two jobs. A family day was going to the grocery store or running errands after school on his day off. It was especially great because it was the one time where he was sober, in the morning. We were at the store and they had this display of candy. It Branch's kind where it was in the little wrappers. I think that my favorite was always the kind that was pink, white and brown. I think it even had little pieces of shredded coconut in it. Well we NEVER got candy when we were with my dad because we just couldn't afford it. The money was better spent on Milk and REAL food. Well I just needed a piece of candy. It was calling to me like in the movies where the beam of light shines only on the area of high interest is located and the music plays. That is exactly what happened to me. I decided if I grabbed the piece of candy, unwrapped it, shoved it in my mouth and chewed as fast as I could, while I was hiding behind the display, no one would know. Well my dad went looking for me and found me in mid chew with the wrapper in my hand. He grabbed me and scolded me in the store. With the wrapper still in my hand and the candy in my tummy we went to the check out stand to pay for our groceries. I was humiliated in line by my dad making be confess to the checkout lady that I "stole" a piece of candy and ate it. I handed her the wrapper and then had to pay for the penny candy. When we got home I received a severe beating with the belt.

My dad says that he is sorry to this day for that incident. He blames himself for me feeling the need to steal the candy because he couldn't afford it. I always tell him that it's ok and that it happened a long time ago but now that I think about it, when I go to the store and I pass by those bulk candy booths I see the candy that got me into so much trouble that day and I turn my head right away, like I will get into touble for looking at the candy in the bin. I don't think that I have had a piece of that candy since that day.

I know that my dad gave me many positive things also, but it is such a shame that it is the bad things that come to mind when assignments like this come along. I know that I am a good person and I have to also think of the good things that my dad has instilled into me. Determination and the will to finish what I start is one that I am quite proud of. Being able to look someone in the eye and tell the truth and even when having a conversation about nothing with someone I don't care for very much. I have the ability to make everyone feel special. I have a good firm handshake and I am able to sum people within 5 minutes of meeting them, a skill that I have had from a very young age.

My mom has had a great influance on me as well, but like my dad I think about the bad things when reflection comes around. I have sworn not to do a lot of the things that my mom has done and I have followed through with all of those so far. My mom used to take us grocery shopping and when we were done we would have to wait near the slot machines while she tried her luck with the left over grocery money. My brother and I would sit there for a long time waiting for her to finish. We were able to watch the milk spoil, that's how long it felt like we were there. I think back on some of the times that it was just me and her. We would be going to Sav-On for something and then she would be swooned by the ringing slot machines and bright lights that grabbed the attention of her addiction. I would sit on the pole and wait for a while and when she would hit something she would cash out and give me twenty bucks, "go look around the store" she would tell me. I now think about how easy it would have been for someone to take me. I was constantly wondering around the store just looking around. How could I spend my twenty bucks that I had just received? It was like treasure. I would find what I wanted. Perfume or pens, crayons and paper. I would go back to where my mom was. The change lady who worked there could never put her lipstick within the lines of her lips and she smelled heavily of smoke all the time and she would come up to me and tell me where I would have to stand behind the imaginary line in the tile. I would watch my mom perplexed at how she could look at the screen for so long and be so happy. All she was doing was pressing buttons and sitting down. When I would ask my mom when we were going to leave she would hand me another twenty. Well that helped keep me busy. We would be there for hours and as long as I had the money I was out of her hair for a little while longer. I remember her leaving us in the car while she said she had to run into the store for something real quick. She ran in once and parked in a red zone. She told me to sit in the drivers seat in case someone came by and then wave my hand like I was going to move. Well I was only 10 or 11 so what the hell was she talking about. Panic set in right away. Next thing I knew there was a security guy honking the horn of his car telling me to move. That was it PANIC!!! I started to cry. He came up to the window and asked me to move the car and all I could say is that I didn't know how to drive. My mom came out and he scolded her about me being in the drivers seat. I believe she then scolded me about not moving the car. Wow, was I pissed at her about that for a long time.

Well any how. I just always said that if I ever had to go somewhere I would never leave the kids in the car. Even if it was to run into 7-11. I always had that fear that my mom would never come back out of the store, because she would be gone for so long. I would never want Anthony or Olivia to feel that way...even though they beg me sometimes to leave them in the car while I do what I have to. They might think that I am mean for dragging them out of the car and making them walk, but oh well, I always feel better about myself for doing it.

I love my mom and dad. They aren't perfect, just like I know there will be things that Anthony will write about, but hopefully there won't be too many stories. Believe me I have thousands more!

The paper for Communications should be quite interesting.

~M