Oh Baby...

Well as if planning a wedding that will be taking place in a little over 4 months wasn't hectic enough...throw being pregnant into the mix. Yep, found out a couple weeks ago that we will be expecting a little Cisco Jr. or Melissa Jr. So that means wedding in September and baby in either late December or early January. Wow...now that's a lot of planning, I'm tired just thinking about doing it all.

I'm glad though, I'm ready to do it again. I'm ready to do it again and not be alone in the whole process either so I am excited. It's strange, or it will be, to have someone want to and that does go to doctor appointments. Holds onto my belly when the baby starts to move and talks to him/her. Someone to love me and take care of me through all the good, bad and really ugly times that my rear it's head.

It's another adventure that we are partaking on and I am so excited. Everything is happening at once, it seems overwhelming, but it's ok, there is plenty of support.

It's a little scary to think that the last time I did this was 11 years ago. I went to Babies R Us recently and was shocked at all the crap they have now. They even have these little things to put in the toilet so when you are potty training your boy he has something to aim at, it's little styrofoam things that are good for the environment or something. Whatever happened to throwing some Cherrios in the toilet and letting them go at it? Why do you have to buy something to do it? They have pee guards too...now why? They are cute, but totally impractical. Uh, cover the thing up with a wipe or diaper anyone? I don't know, I'm sure these are some of the gifts that I may be recieving, and maybe it's just seeming like a little much, but just like the last time everything will fall into place, new routines will be set and we will all move on with our new little family.

~M

5 Months...

In 5 months from now I will be married...
In 5 months from now we will officially be a family...
In 5 months from now a new chapter begins...

It's strange and scary to think how 5 months went by so quickly. It was actually only 5 months ago that Cisco asked me to be his wife over a beautiful dinner. Since that point every little detail has been thought of and accounted for. Now it's just a matter of putting the finishing touches on everything, and paying all of our vendors down. It's so exciting when we start to do a new project for the wedding. Going to get Cisco's tux fitted and picked out seemed more difficult than picking out my own dress. There were so many choices and decisions to be made, but it was exciting. Same with picking out the flowers, the cake and all the other little things. I have decided on what kind of favors to do, now the hard part is chosing where to get them without paying out of my nose.

Olivia's aunts are my bridesmaids and I am so excited that they agreed. I love them like if they were my own sisters and I am so happy that they agreed to be a special part of our day. Debbie in particular has been quite helpful with all the little questions that I have and all the near meltdowns that I nearly have. She is able to put out that fire and make me see things in a different light and then things aren't so bad. Debbie, Diane and Olivia are the ones throwing me a bridal shower and I am so excited. I feel so blessed to have the extended family that I do, they show so much love and support and always have. I am very lucky and I know that.

I am getting a little nervous as the time nears for me to send out my invitations and to get the replies for the attending and not attending notes. Cisco is telling me horror stories of people he works with who have guests who invite others and don't mention it or just put down that they will be bringing 4 additional people when only 2 were invited. It scares the living s*** out of me because, I don't want to have to deal with it. I'm hoping that the group of people that we have invited to our wedding are kind and polite enough to not do such things...but I guess it would be impossible to think that things will go flawlessly. I think that I would be in complete shock if it did actually.

Well hopefully as time get's closer the stress will start to lessen...I say that because I've been having nightmares about it all and I think I'm just stressing about things a little. I think I may be thinking about some things a little more than I should or that I think that I am.

In 5 months I will be getting married...
In 5 months I will be Melissa Salinas...

~M

Just a Waiting Game...

So there is a little over 6 months until my big wedding blow out. I have been thinking long and hard about many aspects of this wedding and hoping that all of my effort and thought will pay off and be appreciated by my family and friends. I think that it will, but I guess that I am just thinking about it right now. Now is the time where we are just trying to get together money and pay things off slowly, and I'm telling you it feels like it is going slowly. Cisco and I have made a sheet that lists all of the expenses and the deposit amounts and the amounts that we have left to do. I have highlighted the ones that are completely paid off and left the others alone, I think this week or within the next couple weeks would be to highlight some more of those columns. I am hoping that we fall into some money soon...or that Cisco does if he does his taxes so that we can pay down a few more things.

I'm still torn on finding favors, but not completely. My mom and I went looking the other day and found some really cute ideas, so at least now I am not completely left feeling lost. Also, Cisco and I have decided on not getting a cake topper for our cake since after looking at the cake again we feel that it would take away from the beauty of the cake itself. I think this will be a good idea, I don't know where I would put another figurine anyway. I hope I don't regret the decision later though.

I think other than that, I am just waiting to see when Cisco will get it together and figure out the tuxes for him and the boys, as well as the limo and the room. I'm getting anxious, but I don't want to pester him quite yet about it.

~M

Now What...

So there are some things that have been paid for completely, dress/invitations/etc, and then most things have a deposit down on them at least with the exception of the cake, makeup artist and I don't know if we will need one for the DJ or not, but we haven't looked at any rooms yet for the wedding party or the wedding night and we haven't looked in detail at the tuxes. I am waiting for the information from the florist and hopefully that will come in within the next couple of days.

Now what? I guess I just have to wait for the money to start rolling in, and making a plan every payday to see who gets a chunk of money, I'm thinking that I start paying off the small stuff first. Like the photographer, the cake, the videographer, etc. Then I can hit the bigger thing and the one that is the most stressing...the reception venue. I'm worried, but at the same time I know that everything will fall into place like it is supposed to do. I think that it just seems like there is so much that still needs to get done and unless I fall into a pile of cash soon, I am just going to have to take it one day at a time. I have everything picked out and partly paid for so I guess the hard part is done :)

7 Months...15 Days and Counting...

It's getting closer. I still have to go and talk to a florist and actually hammer down some kind of budget I think. I started doing a seating chart for immediate family, but kind of figured since I was doing that I might as well do one for everyone else. I'm not sure how that is going to work out, but I'm I can figure it out. Payday is coming up so that means, putting money away and seeing if there are any other deposits that I will have to do ASAP so that I don't lose a vendor. It's getting kind of stressing and the other thing is I'm not sure what to do first. We haven't talked too much about the wedding, I think that Cisco is leaving a big part of this up to me, which is fine, but I need some imput from him about what the next step is and what we should focus on next. I know it will all work out, but it's just stressing thinking about it right now.

I am really excited though...I can't wait to walk down the aisle and see my husband. I can't wait to see my friends and family waiting there also. I can't wait to have my dad and step-dad walking me down the aisle. I can't wait to dance, eat, talk and have a great time with everyone that was looking forward to this moment as much as I was. I love the person that I am getting married to, I feel so lucky that I know all the good, bad and incredible things that I do about him and about us. I'm glad that we went through some serious s**t in the previous years, because now we know that we can withstand anything. I can't see anything breaking the bond that we share right now. It would have to be pretty damn bad to shake us up, at least me anyway.

I love you my dear and I hope I can wait the 7 months...15 days, then I will be your wife.

~M

Done...Done...Working...Done...

So there have been a lot of things that have been accomplished in the last week or so, I'm sure a nice paycheck helped, but either way it was things that had to get done so that I wouldn't lose my mind!

We went to two bakeries and sampled cakes, we were able to decide on one of those places which was surpising and a great relief to me. I think that I was going to be overly picky about the cake. Let's face it, I know a little about cakes and I also knew what I was looking for in one as well as in a bakery. I was pleasantly surprised when we went to Little Chef's Bakery. They had a wonderful selection of cakes to chose from as well as being able to move flavorings around. The price was reasonable, however, I was willing to pay a half decent price for the cake. I didn't want to have to provide a sheet cake in the back for my guests, I just personally didn't like the idea of doing that. I felt that if I was I might as well go to WalMart and get a couple of sheet cakes and do the damn thing myself.

We put down the deposit on the reception and ceremony site. That was fun...not. It was but at the same time I thought I was going to toss my cookies in the parking lot after it was done. I think that it just hit me all at once what was going on, the money I was about to shell out for a party and the excitement and nerves of thinking about paying for MY wedding. I'm glad Cisco was there with me, I think I would have had a hard time otherwise.

When we finished there we went to go and order the Save The Dates, I felt excited to do it since we had our date locked in. I was scared to death to do it before that, I so didn't want to jinx it! They are cute, I can't wait to put them together and mail them out! Cisco and I weeded out some more of the invitations, so it left me with 4 to choose from and Olivia and her grandma came with me today to help me do that. Let's just say that at the end of Friday afternoon my brain was fried. I think I was a little snappy at Cisco. I didn't mean to but I think that I just felt like every time I got out of the car I was either writing a check or handing over my ATM card to some one, and it wasn't for a $25.00 bill either, more like a couple hundred. I think it was just the initial shock of it all though. I had just better get used to it, because it's going to be happening a lot in the very near future.

However, since I am thinking about it right at this moment I am quite glad that I have been doing everything that I have been. The following items are either done or on their way to getting done...

1. Wedding Dress - Done
2. Veil - Done
3. Jewelry - Done
4. Shoes - Done
5. Garter, Pillow, Guest Book, Flower Girl Basket - Almost Done
6. Save The Dates - Done
7. Invitations - Deposit Done
8. Venue - Deposit Done
9. Photographer picked out
10. Bakery picked out

I really do feel like I have done a lot in the little bit of time that I have been working on things. I am looking forward to not needing to owe anyone any money by the time my wedding day comes along. It's exciting...it's nerve wrecking...I'm happy. I know that it will be like a rollercoaster until the big day, with good days and moments but also with bad ones to. I think that it is just to be expected. I think that I will get through it and with a little help from God so will Cisco :-P

~M

Still So Unreal...

I sit in my living room and text people for their addresses, look online at places that make wedding cakes and drag Cisco to finish registering. All the while, I feel like I am doing it all for another person. I don't know why, but it just doesn't feel like I'm the one getting married, I don't know if it all has not sunk in yet or what by I'm still in awe sometimes when I think about it. When I look at all the work I have already done for the wedding and when I look at all the work that I still have to do to get finished with it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, I can't wait and I am happy that I am ACTUALLY getting married, but I think that since I had waited for it for such a long time, it just seems unreal right now. I can't believe that next week I'm going to start paying for the biggest party of my life, and if you can believe it I am actually worried that people won't come. I think I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry all night if that actually happened, but I doubt that it will. I have such wonderful friends and family and I know they wouldn't do such a thing to me.

Sometimes I'll be driving to work and there will be a song that I love that comes on the radio and I turn it up and sing to it, and I think about how I want it to play at my wedding and then the little movie starts in my head. I think about my Father Daughter dance, I think about people wanting to dance with me because I'm the bride and I think about dancing with my Husband for the first time. I think about the cake, I think about the flowers and I think about all the people wanting to talk to us and congratulate us. I want to cry when I think about it, it just makes me so happy. The anticipation is horrible, but then I think of all the things that I still have to do and 7 months does not seem like a long enough time. I wish that all my bridesmaids lived in town, I guess it would make me feel better with the whole planning process. I'm in dark waters here, I have no clue what to do, where to go and in what order to do it all in. My mom never had a formal wedding and so she doesn't know either. I am relying on Olivia's aunts to help me along the way and they have been great. I email them with my long list of questions and concerns and they write me back with all the answers. I guess I'm just worried that we will run out of time or money...I think the money part will come first. That's why I'm saving asking my dad for anything until we really need it, then I won't feel so bad. :)

I'm excited and I just have to remember that all the worrying and eagerness will be worth it on September 11, 2010.

~M

Slowly But Surely...

Things haven't come to a halt exactly, but I'm just afraid to really move forward with the planning until the deposit is down at our reception/ceremony venue which will be next week. Then I can order my save the dates as well as start talking to the cake and catering people. I am excited and I know that things are going to start moving along at a pretty quick pace from here on out. Which is good, but I'm hoping that they hire another ordertaker soon, or it's going to get really tough really fast. I've been working a lot of overtime, which is good, but I'm just too tired most of the time to do the research that I should be doing when I am at home.

Next week will probably consist of the following things getting done...if I'm up to it...

~ Place deposit
~ Order Save the Dates
~ Talk with flower person
~ Talk with at least 2 cake people
~ See if Nordstrom still has the necklace that I want to buy for the big day
~ Call hair dresser and find out a time line
~ Call makeup artist to set up dry run of makeup sometime soon
~ Take Cisco and finish registering

I think that this list is one that could possibly get done...if I get home and sleep at least 5 hours after work. This is when I wish I was still working for Rick full time. I would be able to do everything that needed to be done (or at least the things that I want to get done by this point)and not have any problems. But the good thing with this job is that with all the overtime I can put more money away right now. I think that I have to come to a decision on the invitations as well because I want to put down the deposit for that as well so I don't run into any problems later.

We will see, I just know that I will have to enlist the help of my dear Husband to be...and I know that he will help me, he knows that it's the best thing to do :)

~M

Now We Can Focus On Planning...

So since Christmas is offically over, family is gone, kids go back to school and everything is going to be returning to normal soon I can offically focus on planning the wedding. The deposit is going to be made in early January and the venue has agreed to hold the date until then. We have registered at one place and now I just have to make sure Cisco goes with me to another so we can finish it. The one project that I did do was to make a wedding website, which was quite fun. We have had 53 site visits to it, but only one person left a comment...which makes me wonder who has been looking at it. I'm sure that it's out there for more than just my guests but I still wonder.

Two of my bridesmaids have come with me to go and look at dresses and we were actually able to pick some out. It was quite exciting actually. I still feel in a daze when I go to do wedding stuff though, I guess because it still feels like it's not really happening. I guess 30 is a good age to get married. That number still sounds so old to me, at least when I say it out loud. It will be nice though I'm excited. I only have to wait for another couple of months to order my little flower girl's dress, Olivia's dress and I have to wait unitl my little nephew is born before my MOH can order her dress. I think I will be on pins and needles until that time comes, only because of the time lines that the girl at the store told me about. I guess that is something that is to be expected though and I shouldn't be surprised, I'm sure that feeling is not going to be fleeing soon.

Well I think the next big project will be to pick out the cake and flowers, that scares the S*** out of me, just by looking at all of the prices and everything. We have picked out a cake, now we just have to find a baker that we (I) trust and think that can do what I want as far as the design goes. I guess I should talk to Cisco and see what flavoring of cake he would want, I know he wants Tiramisu, but I don't know if they are able to do it. We will see soon though.

~M

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

We know where the wedding is going to be, we know what day (as long as we can get the deposit together soon), we know who is going to be in the wedding party, the dress - shoes - tiara and veil have been picked out. Now comes the interesting part...the invitations, cake, flowers, hotel, makeup person...etc. All of the decisions that are most definately going to give me a headache in the long run. I'm trying to get help from my little fiance, however, he's not all that interested in some of it. I ask him to help me pick things out and he does to a certain point but, then he tells me to make the final decision. You would think that it would be nice to have full power of some of the decision making...I can get what I want! But it's so much harder because I have to take into consideration price and all that stuff. I wish I could just walk into a store and say, "I'll take that, and that and that" But like every other bride, it's just very rarely like that. It's ok, it's just more time consuming I guess.

When I started doing the planning, I was thinking how easy it was going to be to plan it. I knew what I wanted so it would be simple to pick out the final products, but it wasn't. I know what I want but then there is finding the store or vendor that may have it, but then put price into the equation. Tricky, tricky.

I know what kind of bouquets I want, but can I afford it? If I can't will I be able to come up with an option that I can live with and not cringe at when thinking about it? The same with the cake. It's so scary! I don't want to look at my wedding pictures and say...I really didn't like my cake or my flowers, but otherwise it was nice. I just think those are the things that you will remember and I want to come to compromises that I am happy with, I don't want to settle.

And with all the decisions comes tons upon tons of questions...should I have a seating chart? Do the bridesmaids pay for their dresses, shoes and hair to be done or do I? What is the etiquite for letting people know where you're registered at? I thought that reading all these wedding magazines would help me, but it's just putting more are more questions in my head, I'm left spinning. I look to Cisco for answers but he looks like he wants to hide and not come out until September.

I know it will all work itself out, but right now it's just seeming like a lot.

~M

Themed Weddings...

I'm not sure if it was a mistake or a really good idea but....while listening to a song that Cisco was saying could be our song to dance to I had mentioned how it would be funny if the theme was an 80's wedding. I was just kidding but you should have seen how is face lit up and then the ideas started pouring out of his mouth..."I could have a blue tux!" That was enough for me...I regretted the words that had escaped my mouth right away.

After thinking about it and talking about how fun it would be I'm slowly considering it...only considering.

But how do you put a elegant ceremony (outfits and all) mixed with an 80's themed reception without doing aqua net hairstyles and trashy leg warmer type dresses for the girls to wear at the altar? I think that is the one thing that I am fighting with internally. When I say no to the idea Cisco starts with, "you're such a party pooper!" so I do want a different wedding, but it would have to still come out tasteful.

So let the ideas begin...

~M

This Must Be What They Talk About...

So I think that we have finally come to the point in planning this wedding where you butt heads together. When we first talked about the wedding we talked about having it in Northern California, we talked about Southern California and when those prospects were discussed with my mom...she said she may not come because it's too far out of the way for her to go. Cisco clearly looked more upset about what she said than I did. At that point I could care less because this was my wedding and I was going to have it where I wanted to have it regardless of who decided to come or not.

So I think after sleeping on it for a night, Cisco had mentioned how we could have the wedding here and it may, 1. Be easier since all of the vendors would be close and in town for us to go and look at. and 2. We could have more of our very close friends and family coming to the wedding. When he brought it up I mentioned to him how the number of invited people would be going up and he said he was aware of it.

So, at that point it was settled the wedding would be in Vegas afterall. I think the only rule that we both felt was valid is that we didn't want to have it at a Casino. Now that idea is still moving forward for the time being, and I have looked forward to planning this larger wedding. I personally don't think that it's too many people, because when I look at the list I wonder constantly how do I not invite some of these people without offending them. Many of them are very close family friends and family period. So I started looking at venues and other things...I've already picked out and purchased a dress that I have fallen in love with and have been looking forward to a real wedding; dancing, photographer, cake, food, drinks and lots of family to celebrate with.

Now due to the cost of some of these venues Cisco is backing up and turning around and saying how he wants to go on a beach somewhere the two of us to have the wedding. Which sounds wonderful, but now I'm longing for something else. I'm sure he is feeling the way he is because, 1. He doesn't want to spend a lot of money (which I don't either, but it will all work out.) and 2. He's already had the big wedding thing and it's not as important to him. I hope that he is able to see how important to me and I hope that we can work together to come to an agreement on something...

~M

November 26, 2009...

It had been decided a couple of weeks ago that since I would have to work on my actual birthday that Cisco and I would go out for dinner on Thanksgiving, since I would be off from work for sure on that night. I also enjoyed the idea because I would definately steer clear of any family drama at my mom's if there should be any, and that's always a good thing.

That morning Cisco had suggested going to Olives at the Bellagio, and I had never been there and neither had he, so it sounded like a great plan. We arrived fairly early, so we walked around and looked at the atrium set up that they had, was amazed at how long the line for the Buffet was, but I was just amazed at how busy they were period. It was Thanksgiving, and I knew that there were people that didn't celebrate that holiday so they would come to Vegas, but I've never been out to witness it. We walked over near the "O" theater and looked at the scuptures, then went to the bar, had a drink and watched some football. Cisco swore he saw Vince Vaughn so I turned around and when I faced forward again, slightly disapointed I saw tickets for "O" in front of me. That was my birthday present. I loved it, I've wanted to see the show for a long time, but never was interested in paying the ton of money that the tickets seem to always cost for it.

After our drinks we headed over to Olives in hopes of getting a table early, it wasn't ready so we had ordered a drink at the bar. While sitting there we looked around the restaurant and it was packed. We looked towards the window and noticed that they had patio seating, Cisco had asked what if they seat us outside. I was clearly against it, because it was cold and I am still getting over a really nasty cold that lingered forever. I had told him that they would have to stick that warmer over me and under the table for me to even consiter it.

The hostess came over to us to take us to the table and headed straight for the door to the patio. I was not real enthusiastic, but not willing to complain about anything. I was so surprised when we went to our seats because it was really nice and warm under those heaters, ok, so I was wrong. Our table was right at the railing so we had a beautiful view of the water show that came on throughout the dinner as well as the view of the strip. There was no wind and no clouds so it was a perfect evening.

We had such a wonderful dinner, a nice bottle of wine, and so many people romancing us with their music, from Frank Sinatra (Fly Me To The Moon), Sara Brightman and Andrea Bocelli (Time to Say Goodbye) with wonderful water works also.

While sitting there we were talking and Cisco had told me that he loved me, said he didn't have a ring right at that moment to give me, but took my had and told me how much he loved me and how he wanted to marry me. He wanted us to be alone, with no family, no kids, no dogs, so that we could have that moment together. I cried and said yes, kissed quite and bit and I cried some more.

We went to the show later and didn't let go of eachother throughout the whole show.

For all of you that have been near and dear to me for many years, you know that this relationship has been through quite a bit, but has endured all of the ups and downs. Like all realationships and facts of life things fall and get scratched, souls included, but it's about how you pick up the pieces and try to make them whole again. In that I think that we have succeeded. I don't think that it's quite fair to say "About time" when talking about our engagement only because there is a lot more to our history, his and mine, that have to go into account, I think that this engagement came when the time was right and the time is finally here so that is good. I'm thankful for all the family and friends that I have gained along the way, and I so look forward to all of the wonderful memories that I still have to gain.

To my Desmond...

I love you more than life itself. I have spent 9 years with you and in those 9 years, we have been through quite a bit. I'm so thankful that I have never given up on us...and I'm glad that you have done the same. In these 9 years you have gained a son and I a daughter. I couldn't be more proud of the family that we have become and what lays in our future. I'm so excited and I can't wait till we go over that bridge and begin the new chapter of our life together. I love you so much my love and couldn't ask for anything more than what I have in you and us. I love you and I'm so excited to be able to tell people that I have a fiance and not a boyfriend. I can't wait to be Melissa Salinas...

~M

Proud To Be A Fan...

It's been a really long time since I have written anything on here, mostly because I just didn't have any interest in writing anything, or had much to write about. The usual things have been going on, no work in the construction industry, kids going to school and getting big, and having dogs. The only things that are fairly new is that my brother is getting married and I'm going to be an official aunt in Feburary. I'm excited for that...but most of all about a two months ago I was informed that I would be an employee of the Mandarin Oriental Las Vegas. I'm so excited. There are only 450 employees and I am one of them...one out of 32,000 that tried to have an interview and work for this company. So far so good. This is the best company that I have worked for so far and if it keeps going the way I think it will then it will be a place that I will retire from. All of the managers that I have spoken to such as the the Room Service Manager have been working for the company for a fairly short amount of time, but have moved up quite quickly. I think this is due to the property being small and they recognize their employees, better than what I can say for other corporate places. I'm so excited for the opening that we have coming up very soon. December 5 is the big day. We've been so busy doing things around the hotel like setting up the rooms, and so much training. I don't think I've done so much in my whole life, but I think it's all going to be worth it.

I've been working 6 days and an average of 8-9 hours a day. It's rough, going from having a schedule that I could make on my own and having time off when I wanted it. I think that it will all come together and I will get used to it, I work graveyard and that is something that I will definately have to get used to doing again. But for the most part I'm happy and proud to be working for such a great place. I can't wait till it's all finished.

~M

My Daddy...

The way I miss him tonight would make me think that he is still living in Seattle, but he's not. He is here in town, but I don't see him much anymore.

While poking around my Ipod to listen to something relaxing and away from the norm I came across a CD that he introduced to me years ago when I was in elementary school. I remember that he had the record, and we would listen to it while sitting at the kitchen table talking about whatever happened to come across our thoughts. There were so many things in my childhood that were sad and sometimes unfortunate when it came with me living with my dad, but that is for another day.

When I hear this music, which is poetry set to classical music, it just reminds me of him and all the time we would spend, usually beyond any normal kids bedtime just talking and hanging out. He would play old Buddy Holly records that he had and we would just have fun, sometimes we would be doing laundry together, cooking dinner or cleaning up the house. He worked hours where I didn't see him with the exception of his days off and when those days came I wanted to just soak them in. It always seemed like a cruel twist of fate that I would have to go to school when I could be hanging out by the pool with him for the day. I love my dad so much, no matter what other circumstances there were.

I wish he would take me up on my offer and visit more often, but I don't hold grudges, not to him. I understand how he is and I accept it. The desire to be able to listen to music that reminds me of him and to just enjoy it completely is hard becuase all I can do is think back on those days we had when I was a kid. I wish I could have those days back. I wish that I could go back and just take more of it in sometimes.

My mom could never understand why to this day I love going to the grocery store so much, when she just can't stand it. When I explain to her that that was one of the activities that my dad and I would do on his days off then she understood, but it's just little things like that.

I really hope that when I am old and gray Anthony and Olivia can have little things that may just be as simple as a song or a book to remind them of happy times that they had with Cisco and I.

I love you Dad, always and forever.

~M

I Know I'm Not The Only One...

Do you know how much I hate this stupid drawer? I hate, hate, hate it! In order to download all my pictures from Seattle, 4th of July and some other things I had to find the card that would hold my memory card that would fit into my computer. Well of course I keep this card usually either in my purse pocket (just in case I get the urge to print something up when I'm at Target) or in the drawer at home. I know that everyone has one of these drawers...the junk drawer.

The drawer that things go into and usually never are seen again. I went diving into this drawer to find my chip and the minute I opened it was instantly pissed. I know that it hadn't been too long before that I went through this drawer to find something and while pulling out handfull after handfull of miscellaneous crap (and that's what most of it is...crap) I had enough and just started throwing stuff away. I didn't care what it was at this point...some kind of magnet, trash. Some papers and receipts, trash. Buttons, pencils, pens, cards, and the list goes on and on and on. Most of it ended up in the trash. Then I proceeded to go upstairs and find some drawer organizers, then everything went into a little bin. Ahhhh...much, much better. I was so happy. I instantly showed off my work to Cisco when he came home. I don't think there was much for him to say. I told him I got tired of digging through crap and I think even a couple of times getting pinned by a tack or needle, that it was time to get rid of stuff...so I did.

Well the same thing happened this time. I think what baffles me more is that most of this stuff is his. I couldn't tell you how many cords I found in there. I know that one went to my Palm, one for Anthony's Ipod, one for Cisco's phone/my Ipod, but I have no idea what the other ones are for. I don't understand why we have this huge thing that resembles a 19th century battery, but it doesn't look like you can plug anything into it, you can just stick it into the wall. It's just too much sometimes.

I know that my mom has one of these drawers...she has two in the kitchen actually, and 3 in her bedroom. What amazes me about that is I see her go through them and instead of getting rid of stuff she hunts for what she needs and then piles everything up and shoves it all back...OMG! It drives me crazy. I can't stand that stuff. I put up with the drawer for a little while then I have to go through and just trash stuff.

We had the same thing going on right above the drawer. We keep mail and papers up there. Well when I go through the mail I open and trash what I don't need ASAP and put bills and other things where they need to go, well Cisco likes to keep his mail (afraid it may bite him if he should open it I guess) so I will end up getting a gift bag and shoving all his stuff into it once it hits a certain height. I hated doing that because there was more than one bag a few times. Oh, the desire to throw the whole thing away! But instead I told him I was going to open his mail and then bought a little mail organizer, it's working as of right now, I'm staying on top of it so I don't have to go crazy.

I really hope it's just not me that has this little problem.

~M

Flashback To Spring Break 2009...

With all the crap going on at home, school and with the kids being out of school and them going on all kinds of trips I haven't had a chance to post some pics...not that many people check out blogger anymore, it's nice to put this stuff down in my little online diary to read later. I'm not good enough with Facebook to do this and quite frankly it just takes too long for me right now, I'm not good enough and I can't really write all this stuff on Facebook.

Anthony and I went to Disneyland while Olivia went to Kansas City over Spring Break. I swear it seems like it was a century ago...it doesn't seem like it was only a couple of months ago. There has just been so much stuff going on lately! The above picture was when we were waiting in line for an hour for the fairly new Toy Story ride at California Adventure, I love that ride, that is really close to being one of my faves! I could stand in that line more than once in a day to ride it. I wish I had the picture athat my best friend took of me our Senior year when we went to Disneyland over Spring Break because he took a picture of me doing the same thing, it was so funny. I think what made it even better was that Anthony was laughing the whole time cause he thought someone would see him doin' it. Anthony pissed off that I am making him ride Splash Mountain...

Anthony pissed that he had to ride it but...still not over it, lol. Eventhough we were done with the ride.

We had fun going to the Animation Studio drawing Minnie Mouse.

Can't remember if I had ever taken a picture with Mickey! We were the second ones, got there at the perfect time!

Anthony hittin' on Princess Anna.

We had so much fun, it went by way too fast! Good thing we go back pretty often!

~M

One Of The Saddest Days...

I can't remember the last time I heard news that was so sad...to have two very influential people pass away in one day.

Farrah Fawcett was sick for quite a while and even though it wasn't just as shocking and as sad I think that people were just waiting to see how much longer she could hang on. I think that God was on her side since she had the money to travel to Germany and get treatments done, when there are many people that have had the same kind of cancer that she had and could not. I think those treatments definately helped her live a little longer than doctors may have originally expected. I didn't really grow up watching her and didn't know much about her except that she was a "Charlie's Angel". My thoughts are prayers are definately with her family this evening though.

Michael Jackson on the other hand was a complete shock. My brother's girlfriend first texted me about him passing away and right away I brought up CNN on my computer to see what was going on, and it was just saying that he was rushed to the hospital and there was nothing else to report at that time. My mouth dropped to the floor when I saw that he had passed away a few minutes later and I cried. It just didn't seem real. Michael Jackson couldn't have died, not yet. He was just way too young. I know that he has had a questionable past these last few years, but regardless he was truly a legend. So many landmark moves in his career and music. I grew up listening to Michael Jackson and watching his video's on MTV, I always thought that for the most part his music was just great. I never thought that at such a young age I would hear such news of an icon that I could relate to. I am thankful in one way to know that he has passed on to a better place because now he can truly be in peace. My heart goes out to his kids and family and I hope that he gets more positive than negative press on his life.

~M

Appendix Anyone...

I was doing so good, going to the gym nearly everyday. I think I may have taken one day off during the week, but even then I felt guilty for doing so. I was really getting into bike riding. Was going pretty far, and getting good at it. I was losing weight, I could notice all my clothes fitting looser.

I went on a little mini shopping spree to get a couple new things for the new me. I didn't want to get too much because, I was going to be getting smaller...and pretty fast if I kept going the way I was. Unfortunately for me, one day after I bought those new clothes I got a nasty surprise.

The next day I was feeling so cold, just all of a sudden. I was shocked. The kids had come home from my mom's house and I was freezing, I had a fever! I didn't have a cough, runny nose, aches or anything. I felt fine besides being so damn cold. So later on that night it just got worse. The fever got worse and I had this unbearable pain in my lower back. I actually had to call Cisco to leave work early on an inventory night to come home. That's how bad it was.

That night it just got worse, and the next day it was bad bad. Around the afternoon Cisco took me to the ER. My blood pressure was pretty low and I still had the fever. The doctor thought that I had kidney stones or a kidney infection so he ordered a CAT scan and when he came in a couple of hours later he looked baffled and started pressing on my belly to make sure there was no pain, and when I said no he thought it was strange because I needed to get my appendix taken out. I was so shocked and upset when he told me. Cisco had been in the room with me all afternoon, and the one time that I sent him out to get me something is when the doctor came in to tell me that! He said that I would have to get my appendix taken out that day.

So at about 7:00 that night I was minus one appendix. It wasn't as bad as I thought. They did it through my belly button and two other holes in my belly, so at least it wasn't a big cut in my side or anything. The doctor that did the surgery originally thought that there wasn't anything wrong with my appendix but the test came back and it was.

I'm glad that it is over with now. I have about another 4 weeks until I will be back in full working order. I can't lift anything over 25 pounds, I can't run, I can't bike, I can't swim, I can't do much of anything. I can walk that's about it. I get pretty down sometimes because I think of how long it took me to get the endurance and the ability to want to go to the gym and work out everyday and now it's all been spoiled. I just don't want to get back to where I was before. I just have to get out and walk everyday. I just have to make sure it gets done and I don't fall off the wagon...:)

~M

To Overcome The Past...

When I went into 6th grade I was a little on the chubby side. Not a fat kid per se, but just chubby. I had spent all summer at my mom's across town and didn't really have any friends in that neighborhood. I did however have my favorite movie at the time "Steel Magnolias", a telephone to call my cousin constantly and watch movies while on the phone with each other and a house full of food. That just spelled disaster, but I didn't see that one, I was only 11 for crying out loud. But when my mom and I went for new school clothes she was just as shocked as I was when my old sizes didn't quite fit the same way. Starting school that year just sucked. Other kids made me feel like crap about how I looked, and what a difference one summer had made on my body. I think personally the final straw was while I was at lunch and having a milkshake my bra snapped in half from the back. Now, chances are that since my dad and I didn't have much money laying around and we made everything last as long as possible my bra was just old and I needed another one. But, while I was walking to my Reading teachers room so that she could help me pin it or something I was just plain humiliated. I couldn't believe that happened to me, I was positive it was because of that summer weight that I had gained...and the last thing I needed that day was a milkshake.

My dad worked nights so he wasn't home to make dinner or make sure I went to bed on time, that meant I could do what I wanted. He bought food for the house, but since I couldn't make much else but frozen dinners or sandwiches the variety was not much to brag about. I decided that I would do laps in our pool, a lot of them, and just not eat. I heard of other girls at school doing it and it sounded like the perfect thing for me. I swam and swam, and tried not to eat anything. I would eat but it would be a cracker, or a carrot and maybe some celery. I was just shedding the pounds, I was so happy. Everyone was saying such nice things to me, I was so happy. My dad gave me $20.00 a month for my school lunch, he would hand me the $20 at the beginning of the month and tell me to make it last. So I took the $20 and saved it instead, he never knew. I would save it and then go to the Clothestime that was down the street or to Thrifty to buy makeup with it. My dad didn't have money to get me those kinds of things so I just saved my food money and bought things with that. I had a lot of friends and they came over all the time, so I would always ask them if they were hungry and feed them what I would have normally ate, and he didn't know the difference either. I think about once a week I would try to eat a dinner that he got me, but it was hard. I just didn't' want to get fat again.

The only problem with my little plan was that on the weekends I would have to go to my mom's house. Well her and my step-dad were there...all the time. It was nothing like being at my house with my dad. So she would make breakfast, lunch and dinner. Well I just never wanted to eat any of it, and I was going to be damned if I was going to get fat again over a weekend. My mom started to catch onto what was going on, because I would just move my food around my plate so that it looked like I ate. I would tell her that I went with my cousin on a walk and ate at his house and that was why I wasn't too hungry for dinner. I don't think she was buying into it after about the third weekend. She didn't see me as much as my dad did and she could tell that I was getting to small, even with the baggy clothes on. She saved my dinner one night and told me I would eat it in the morning. When the morning came and I told her I was still not hungry she vowed to tell my dad what was going on and if that happened I knew what that meant...babysitter at night. No way was I going to have that freedom taken away. So I slowly started to eat. Very slowly. I just hated it. I was able to wear a bikini and look good in it and short shorts if I wanted to. It was great. But when I started eating again I realized that I felt better in general. I didn't realize how tired I was all the time was because I wasn't eating, because that tiredness went away. So I learned my lesson. It was hard, cause I was kind of on my own to make sure I was doing the right thing and not falling back into the old habit. I would every once and a while but it didn't last long.

I was telling Cisco last night that those old feelings are coming back. I am finding myself wanting to work out all the time, and I don't want to eat anything. I am getting to where when I look in the mirror I am just disgusted at how I look and that it's not coming off fast enough. I know where this obsession is going to lead me if I'm not careful, I'm so glad that I have someone that loves me and that I am so comfortable to talk to about everything to. I wanted to share how I felt with Cisco so that I could hear myself say it, so that I wouldn't do what I did so many years ago. I keep telling myself that I need to eat so that I can work out and look good when I get thinner and not a saggy bag of gross bones like I see at the gym so often. I have to eat and stay healthy for my kids and so that I can set a good example for them. The last thing that I would want to see is Olivia go through the same thing. There is enough pressure from kids and TV that she will have to deal with, dealing with something like that at the house would be the worst thing that I could do to both of them.

I am trying to stay out of that mind set but it is hard, I had done it for so long. I thought those feelings were long and gone, but I guess it is something that will always be there, I just have to know how to get through it. Thankfully, when Cisco goes to work at night, I'm not there alone with my former self. I'm there with my kids, who keep me busy and help me think positive all the time.

I will lose this weight, but in a safe way this time around. That is something that I can proudly say.

~M