Now We Can Focus On Planning...

So since Christmas is offically over, family is gone, kids go back to school and everything is going to be returning to normal soon I can offically focus on planning the wedding. The deposit is going to be made in early January and the venue has agreed to hold the date until then. We have registered at one place and now I just have to make sure Cisco goes with me to another so we can finish it. The one project that I did do was to make a wedding website, which was quite fun. We have had 53 site visits to it, but only one person left a comment...which makes me wonder who has been looking at it. I'm sure that it's out there for more than just my guests but I still wonder.

Two of my bridesmaids have come with me to go and look at dresses and we were actually able to pick some out. It was quite exciting actually. I still feel in a daze when I go to do wedding stuff though, I guess because it still feels like it's not really happening. I guess 30 is a good age to get married. That number still sounds so old to me, at least when I say it out loud. It will be nice though I'm excited. I only have to wait for another couple of months to order my little flower girl's dress, Olivia's dress and I have to wait unitl my little nephew is born before my MOH can order her dress. I think I will be on pins and needles until that time comes, only because of the time lines that the girl at the store told me about. I guess that is something that is to be expected though and I shouldn't be surprised, I'm sure that feeling is not going to be fleeing soon.

Well I think the next big project will be to pick out the cake and flowers, that scares the S*** out of me, just by looking at all of the prices and everything. We have picked out a cake, now we just have to find a baker that we (I) trust and think that can do what I want as far as the design goes. I guess I should talk to Cisco and see what flavoring of cake he would want, I know he wants Tiramisu, but I don't know if they are able to do it. We will see soon though.

~M

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

We know where the wedding is going to be, we know what day (as long as we can get the deposit together soon), we know who is going to be in the wedding party, the dress - shoes - tiara and veil have been picked out. Now comes the interesting part...the invitations, cake, flowers, hotel, makeup person...etc. All of the decisions that are most definately going to give me a headache in the long run. I'm trying to get help from my little fiance, however, he's not all that interested in some of it. I ask him to help me pick things out and he does to a certain point but, then he tells me to make the final decision. You would think that it would be nice to have full power of some of the decision making...I can get what I want! But it's so much harder because I have to take into consideration price and all that stuff. I wish I could just walk into a store and say, "I'll take that, and that and that" But like every other bride, it's just very rarely like that. It's ok, it's just more time consuming I guess.

When I started doing the planning, I was thinking how easy it was going to be to plan it. I knew what I wanted so it would be simple to pick out the final products, but it wasn't. I know what I want but then there is finding the store or vendor that may have it, but then put price into the equation. Tricky, tricky.

I know what kind of bouquets I want, but can I afford it? If I can't will I be able to come up with an option that I can live with and not cringe at when thinking about it? The same with the cake. It's so scary! I don't want to look at my wedding pictures and say...I really didn't like my cake or my flowers, but otherwise it was nice. I just think those are the things that you will remember and I want to come to compromises that I am happy with, I don't want to settle.

And with all the decisions comes tons upon tons of questions...should I have a seating chart? Do the bridesmaids pay for their dresses, shoes and hair to be done or do I? What is the etiquite for letting people know where you're registered at? I thought that reading all these wedding magazines would help me, but it's just putting more are more questions in my head, I'm left spinning. I look to Cisco for answers but he looks like he wants to hide and not come out until September.

I know it will all work itself out, but right now it's just seeming like a lot.

~M

Themed Weddings...

I'm not sure if it was a mistake or a really good idea but....while listening to a song that Cisco was saying could be our song to dance to I had mentioned how it would be funny if the theme was an 80's wedding. I was just kidding but you should have seen how is face lit up and then the ideas started pouring out of his mouth..."I could have a blue tux!" That was enough for me...I regretted the words that had escaped my mouth right away.

After thinking about it and talking about how fun it would be I'm slowly considering it...only considering.

But how do you put a elegant ceremony (outfits and all) mixed with an 80's themed reception without doing aqua net hairstyles and trashy leg warmer type dresses for the girls to wear at the altar? I think that is the one thing that I am fighting with internally. When I say no to the idea Cisco starts with, "you're such a party pooper!" so I do want a different wedding, but it would have to still come out tasteful.

So let the ideas begin...

~M

This Must Be What They Talk About...

So I think that we have finally come to the point in planning this wedding where you butt heads together. When we first talked about the wedding we talked about having it in Northern California, we talked about Southern California and when those prospects were discussed with my mom...she said she may not come because it's too far out of the way for her to go. Cisco clearly looked more upset about what she said than I did. At that point I could care less because this was my wedding and I was going to have it where I wanted to have it regardless of who decided to come or not.

So I think after sleeping on it for a night, Cisco had mentioned how we could have the wedding here and it may, 1. Be easier since all of the vendors would be close and in town for us to go and look at. and 2. We could have more of our very close friends and family coming to the wedding. When he brought it up I mentioned to him how the number of invited people would be going up and he said he was aware of it.

So, at that point it was settled the wedding would be in Vegas afterall. I think the only rule that we both felt was valid is that we didn't want to have it at a Casino. Now that idea is still moving forward for the time being, and I have looked forward to planning this larger wedding. I personally don't think that it's too many people, because when I look at the list I wonder constantly how do I not invite some of these people without offending them. Many of them are very close family friends and family period. So I started looking at venues and other things...I've already picked out and purchased a dress that I have fallen in love with and have been looking forward to a real wedding; dancing, photographer, cake, food, drinks and lots of family to celebrate with.

Now due to the cost of some of these venues Cisco is backing up and turning around and saying how he wants to go on a beach somewhere the two of us to have the wedding. Which sounds wonderful, but now I'm longing for something else. I'm sure he is feeling the way he is because, 1. He doesn't want to spend a lot of money (which I don't either, but it will all work out.) and 2. He's already had the big wedding thing and it's not as important to him. I hope that he is able to see how important to me and I hope that we can work together to come to an agreement on something...

~M

November 26, 2009...

It had been decided a couple of weeks ago that since I would have to work on my actual birthday that Cisco and I would go out for dinner on Thanksgiving, since I would be off from work for sure on that night. I also enjoyed the idea because I would definately steer clear of any family drama at my mom's if there should be any, and that's always a good thing.

That morning Cisco had suggested going to Olives at the Bellagio, and I had never been there and neither had he, so it sounded like a great plan. We arrived fairly early, so we walked around and looked at the atrium set up that they had, was amazed at how long the line for the Buffet was, but I was just amazed at how busy they were period. It was Thanksgiving, and I knew that there were people that didn't celebrate that holiday so they would come to Vegas, but I've never been out to witness it. We walked over near the "O" theater and looked at the scuptures, then went to the bar, had a drink and watched some football. Cisco swore he saw Vince Vaughn so I turned around and when I faced forward again, slightly disapointed I saw tickets for "O" in front of me. That was my birthday present. I loved it, I've wanted to see the show for a long time, but never was interested in paying the ton of money that the tickets seem to always cost for it.

After our drinks we headed over to Olives in hopes of getting a table early, it wasn't ready so we had ordered a drink at the bar. While sitting there we looked around the restaurant and it was packed. We looked towards the window and noticed that they had patio seating, Cisco had asked what if they seat us outside. I was clearly against it, because it was cold and I am still getting over a really nasty cold that lingered forever. I had told him that they would have to stick that warmer over me and under the table for me to even consiter it.

The hostess came over to us to take us to the table and headed straight for the door to the patio. I was not real enthusiastic, but not willing to complain about anything. I was so surprised when we went to our seats because it was really nice and warm under those heaters, ok, so I was wrong. Our table was right at the railing so we had a beautiful view of the water show that came on throughout the dinner as well as the view of the strip. There was no wind and no clouds so it was a perfect evening.

We had such a wonderful dinner, a nice bottle of wine, and so many people romancing us with their music, from Frank Sinatra (Fly Me To The Moon), Sara Brightman and Andrea Bocelli (Time to Say Goodbye) with wonderful water works also.

While sitting there we were talking and Cisco had told me that he loved me, said he didn't have a ring right at that moment to give me, but took my had and told me how much he loved me and how he wanted to marry me. He wanted us to be alone, with no family, no kids, no dogs, so that we could have that moment together. I cried and said yes, kissed quite and bit and I cried some more.

We went to the show later and didn't let go of eachother throughout the whole show.

For all of you that have been near and dear to me for many years, you know that this relationship has been through quite a bit, but has endured all of the ups and downs. Like all realationships and facts of life things fall and get scratched, souls included, but it's about how you pick up the pieces and try to make them whole again. In that I think that we have succeeded. I don't think that it's quite fair to say "About time" when talking about our engagement only because there is a lot more to our history, his and mine, that have to go into account, I think that this engagement came when the time was right and the time is finally here so that is good. I'm thankful for all the family and friends that I have gained along the way, and I so look forward to all of the wonderful memories that I still have to gain.

To my Desmond...

I love you more than life itself. I have spent 9 years with you and in those 9 years, we have been through quite a bit. I'm so thankful that I have never given up on us...and I'm glad that you have done the same. In these 9 years you have gained a son and I a daughter. I couldn't be more proud of the family that we have become and what lays in our future. I'm so excited and I can't wait till we go over that bridge and begin the new chapter of our life together. I love you so much my love and couldn't ask for anything more than what I have in you and us. I love you and I'm so excited to be able to tell people that I have a fiance and not a boyfriend. I can't wait to be Melissa Salinas...

~M

Proud To Be A Fan...

It's been a really long time since I have written anything on here, mostly because I just didn't have any interest in writing anything, or had much to write about. The usual things have been going on, no work in the construction industry, kids going to school and getting big, and having dogs. The only things that are fairly new is that my brother is getting married and I'm going to be an official aunt in Feburary. I'm excited for that...but most of all about a two months ago I was informed that I would be an employee of the Mandarin Oriental Las Vegas. I'm so excited. There are only 450 employees and I am one of them...one out of 32,000 that tried to have an interview and work for this company. So far so good. This is the best company that I have worked for so far and if it keeps going the way I think it will then it will be a place that I will retire from. All of the managers that I have spoken to such as the the Room Service Manager have been working for the company for a fairly short amount of time, but have moved up quite quickly. I think this is due to the property being small and they recognize their employees, better than what I can say for other corporate places. I'm so excited for the opening that we have coming up very soon. December 5 is the big day. We've been so busy doing things around the hotel like setting up the rooms, and so much training. I don't think I've done so much in my whole life, but I think it's all going to be worth it.

I've been working 6 days and an average of 8-9 hours a day. It's rough, going from having a schedule that I could make on my own and having time off when I wanted it. I think that it will all come together and I will get used to it, I work graveyard and that is something that I will definately have to get used to doing again. But for the most part I'm happy and proud to be working for such a great place. I can't wait till it's all finished.

~M

My Daddy...

The way I miss him tonight would make me think that he is still living in Seattle, but he's not. He is here in town, but I don't see him much anymore.

While poking around my Ipod to listen to something relaxing and away from the norm I came across a CD that he introduced to me years ago when I was in elementary school. I remember that he had the record, and we would listen to it while sitting at the kitchen table talking about whatever happened to come across our thoughts. There were so many things in my childhood that were sad and sometimes unfortunate when it came with me living with my dad, but that is for another day.

When I hear this music, which is poetry set to classical music, it just reminds me of him and all the time we would spend, usually beyond any normal kids bedtime just talking and hanging out. He would play old Buddy Holly records that he had and we would just have fun, sometimes we would be doing laundry together, cooking dinner or cleaning up the house. He worked hours where I didn't see him with the exception of his days off and when those days came I wanted to just soak them in. It always seemed like a cruel twist of fate that I would have to go to school when I could be hanging out by the pool with him for the day. I love my dad so much, no matter what other circumstances there were.

I wish he would take me up on my offer and visit more often, but I don't hold grudges, not to him. I understand how he is and I accept it. The desire to be able to listen to music that reminds me of him and to just enjoy it completely is hard becuase all I can do is think back on those days we had when I was a kid. I wish I could have those days back. I wish that I could go back and just take more of it in sometimes.

My mom could never understand why to this day I love going to the grocery store so much, when she just can't stand it. When I explain to her that that was one of the activities that my dad and I would do on his days off then she understood, but it's just little things like that.

I really hope that when I am old and gray Anthony and Olivia can have little things that may just be as simple as a song or a book to remind them of happy times that they had with Cisco and I.

I love you Dad, always and forever.

~M

I Know I'm Not The Only One...

Do you know how much I hate this stupid drawer? I hate, hate, hate it! In order to download all my pictures from Seattle, 4th of July and some other things I had to find the card that would hold my memory card that would fit into my computer. Well of course I keep this card usually either in my purse pocket (just in case I get the urge to print something up when I'm at Target) or in the drawer at home. I know that everyone has one of these drawers...the junk drawer.

The drawer that things go into and usually never are seen again. I went diving into this drawer to find my chip and the minute I opened it was instantly pissed. I know that it hadn't been too long before that I went through this drawer to find something and while pulling out handfull after handfull of miscellaneous crap (and that's what most of it is...crap) I had enough and just started throwing stuff away. I didn't care what it was at this point...some kind of magnet, trash. Some papers and receipts, trash. Buttons, pencils, pens, cards, and the list goes on and on and on. Most of it ended up in the trash. Then I proceeded to go upstairs and find some drawer organizers, then everything went into a little bin. Ahhhh...much, much better. I was so happy. I instantly showed off my work to Cisco when he came home. I don't think there was much for him to say. I told him I got tired of digging through crap and I think even a couple of times getting pinned by a tack or needle, that it was time to get rid of stuff...so I did.

Well the same thing happened this time. I think what baffles me more is that most of this stuff is his. I couldn't tell you how many cords I found in there. I know that one went to my Palm, one for Anthony's Ipod, one for Cisco's phone/my Ipod, but I have no idea what the other ones are for. I don't understand why we have this huge thing that resembles a 19th century battery, but it doesn't look like you can plug anything into it, you can just stick it into the wall. It's just too much sometimes.

I know that my mom has one of these drawers...she has two in the kitchen actually, and 3 in her bedroom. What amazes me about that is I see her go through them and instead of getting rid of stuff she hunts for what she needs and then piles everything up and shoves it all back...OMG! It drives me crazy. I can't stand that stuff. I put up with the drawer for a little while then I have to go through and just trash stuff.

We had the same thing going on right above the drawer. We keep mail and papers up there. Well when I go through the mail I open and trash what I don't need ASAP and put bills and other things where they need to go, well Cisco likes to keep his mail (afraid it may bite him if he should open it I guess) so I will end up getting a gift bag and shoving all his stuff into it once it hits a certain height. I hated doing that because there was more than one bag a few times. Oh, the desire to throw the whole thing away! But instead I told him I was going to open his mail and then bought a little mail organizer, it's working as of right now, I'm staying on top of it so I don't have to go crazy.

I really hope it's just not me that has this little problem.

~M

Flashback To Spring Break 2009...

With all the crap going on at home, school and with the kids being out of school and them going on all kinds of trips I haven't had a chance to post some pics...not that many people check out blogger anymore, it's nice to put this stuff down in my little online diary to read later. I'm not good enough with Facebook to do this and quite frankly it just takes too long for me right now, I'm not good enough and I can't really write all this stuff on Facebook.

Anthony and I went to Disneyland while Olivia went to Kansas City over Spring Break. I swear it seems like it was a century ago...it doesn't seem like it was only a couple of months ago. There has just been so much stuff going on lately! The above picture was when we were waiting in line for an hour for the fairly new Toy Story ride at California Adventure, I love that ride, that is really close to being one of my faves! I could stand in that line more than once in a day to ride it. I wish I had the picture athat my best friend took of me our Senior year when we went to Disneyland over Spring Break because he took a picture of me doing the same thing, it was so funny. I think what made it even better was that Anthony was laughing the whole time cause he thought someone would see him doin' it. Anthony pissed off that I am making him ride Splash Mountain...

Anthony pissed that he had to ride it but...still not over it, lol. Eventhough we were done with the ride.

We had fun going to the Animation Studio drawing Minnie Mouse.

Can't remember if I had ever taken a picture with Mickey! We were the second ones, got there at the perfect time!

Anthony hittin' on Princess Anna.

We had so much fun, it went by way too fast! Good thing we go back pretty often!

~M

One Of The Saddest Days...

I can't remember the last time I heard news that was so sad...to have two very influential people pass away in one day.

Farrah Fawcett was sick for quite a while and even though it wasn't just as shocking and as sad I think that people were just waiting to see how much longer she could hang on. I think that God was on her side since she had the money to travel to Germany and get treatments done, when there are many people that have had the same kind of cancer that she had and could not. I think those treatments definately helped her live a little longer than doctors may have originally expected. I didn't really grow up watching her and didn't know much about her except that she was a "Charlie's Angel". My thoughts are prayers are definately with her family this evening though.

Michael Jackson on the other hand was a complete shock. My brother's girlfriend first texted me about him passing away and right away I brought up CNN on my computer to see what was going on, and it was just saying that he was rushed to the hospital and there was nothing else to report at that time. My mouth dropped to the floor when I saw that he had passed away a few minutes later and I cried. It just didn't seem real. Michael Jackson couldn't have died, not yet. He was just way too young. I know that he has had a questionable past these last few years, but regardless he was truly a legend. So many landmark moves in his career and music. I grew up listening to Michael Jackson and watching his video's on MTV, I always thought that for the most part his music was just great. I never thought that at such a young age I would hear such news of an icon that I could relate to. I am thankful in one way to know that he has passed on to a better place because now he can truly be in peace. My heart goes out to his kids and family and I hope that he gets more positive than negative press on his life.

~M

Appendix Anyone...

I was doing so good, going to the gym nearly everyday. I think I may have taken one day off during the week, but even then I felt guilty for doing so. I was really getting into bike riding. Was going pretty far, and getting good at it. I was losing weight, I could notice all my clothes fitting looser.

I went on a little mini shopping spree to get a couple new things for the new me. I didn't want to get too much because, I was going to be getting smaller...and pretty fast if I kept going the way I was. Unfortunately for me, one day after I bought those new clothes I got a nasty surprise.

The next day I was feeling so cold, just all of a sudden. I was shocked. The kids had come home from my mom's house and I was freezing, I had a fever! I didn't have a cough, runny nose, aches or anything. I felt fine besides being so damn cold. So later on that night it just got worse. The fever got worse and I had this unbearable pain in my lower back. I actually had to call Cisco to leave work early on an inventory night to come home. That's how bad it was.

That night it just got worse, and the next day it was bad bad. Around the afternoon Cisco took me to the ER. My blood pressure was pretty low and I still had the fever. The doctor thought that I had kidney stones or a kidney infection so he ordered a CAT scan and when he came in a couple of hours later he looked baffled and started pressing on my belly to make sure there was no pain, and when I said no he thought it was strange because I needed to get my appendix taken out. I was so shocked and upset when he told me. Cisco had been in the room with me all afternoon, and the one time that I sent him out to get me something is when the doctor came in to tell me that! He said that I would have to get my appendix taken out that day.

So at about 7:00 that night I was minus one appendix. It wasn't as bad as I thought. They did it through my belly button and two other holes in my belly, so at least it wasn't a big cut in my side or anything. The doctor that did the surgery originally thought that there wasn't anything wrong with my appendix but the test came back and it was.

I'm glad that it is over with now. I have about another 4 weeks until I will be back in full working order. I can't lift anything over 25 pounds, I can't run, I can't bike, I can't swim, I can't do much of anything. I can walk that's about it. I get pretty down sometimes because I think of how long it took me to get the endurance and the ability to want to go to the gym and work out everyday and now it's all been spoiled. I just don't want to get back to where I was before. I just have to get out and walk everyday. I just have to make sure it gets done and I don't fall off the wagon...:)

~M

To Overcome The Past...

When I went into 6th grade I was a little on the chubby side. Not a fat kid per se, but just chubby. I had spent all summer at my mom's across town and didn't really have any friends in that neighborhood. I did however have my favorite movie at the time "Steel Magnolias", a telephone to call my cousin constantly and watch movies while on the phone with each other and a house full of food. That just spelled disaster, but I didn't see that one, I was only 11 for crying out loud. But when my mom and I went for new school clothes she was just as shocked as I was when my old sizes didn't quite fit the same way. Starting school that year just sucked. Other kids made me feel like crap about how I looked, and what a difference one summer had made on my body. I think personally the final straw was while I was at lunch and having a milkshake my bra snapped in half from the back. Now, chances are that since my dad and I didn't have much money laying around and we made everything last as long as possible my bra was just old and I needed another one. But, while I was walking to my Reading teachers room so that she could help me pin it or something I was just plain humiliated. I couldn't believe that happened to me, I was positive it was because of that summer weight that I had gained...and the last thing I needed that day was a milkshake.

My dad worked nights so he wasn't home to make dinner or make sure I went to bed on time, that meant I could do what I wanted. He bought food for the house, but since I couldn't make much else but frozen dinners or sandwiches the variety was not much to brag about. I decided that I would do laps in our pool, a lot of them, and just not eat. I heard of other girls at school doing it and it sounded like the perfect thing for me. I swam and swam, and tried not to eat anything. I would eat but it would be a cracker, or a carrot and maybe some celery. I was just shedding the pounds, I was so happy. Everyone was saying such nice things to me, I was so happy. My dad gave me $20.00 a month for my school lunch, he would hand me the $20 at the beginning of the month and tell me to make it last. So I took the $20 and saved it instead, he never knew. I would save it and then go to the Clothestime that was down the street or to Thrifty to buy makeup with it. My dad didn't have money to get me those kinds of things so I just saved my food money and bought things with that. I had a lot of friends and they came over all the time, so I would always ask them if they were hungry and feed them what I would have normally ate, and he didn't know the difference either. I think about once a week I would try to eat a dinner that he got me, but it was hard. I just didn't' want to get fat again.

The only problem with my little plan was that on the weekends I would have to go to my mom's house. Well her and my step-dad were there...all the time. It was nothing like being at my house with my dad. So she would make breakfast, lunch and dinner. Well I just never wanted to eat any of it, and I was going to be damned if I was going to get fat again over a weekend. My mom started to catch onto what was going on, because I would just move my food around my plate so that it looked like I ate. I would tell her that I went with my cousin on a walk and ate at his house and that was why I wasn't too hungry for dinner. I don't think she was buying into it after about the third weekend. She didn't see me as much as my dad did and she could tell that I was getting to small, even with the baggy clothes on. She saved my dinner one night and told me I would eat it in the morning. When the morning came and I told her I was still not hungry she vowed to tell my dad what was going on and if that happened I knew what that meant...babysitter at night. No way was I going to have that freedom taken away. So I slowly started to eat. Very slowly. I just hated it. I was able to wear a bikini and look good in it and short shorts if I wanted to. It was great. But when I started eating again I realized that I felt better in general. I didn't realize how tired I was all the time was because I wasn't eating, because that tiredness went away. So I learned my lesson. It was hard, cause I was kind of on my own to make sure I was doing the right thing and not falling back into the old habit. I would every once and a while but it didn't last long.

I was telling Cisco last night that those old feelings are coming back. I am finding myself wanting to work out all the time, and I don't want to eat anything. I am getting to where when I look in the mirror I am just disgusted at how I look and that it's not coming off fast enough. I know where this obsession is going to lead me if I'm not careful, I'm so glad that I have someone that loves me and that I am so comfortable to talk to about everything to. I wanted to share how I felt with Cisco so that I could hear myself say it, so that I wouldn't do what I did so many years ago. I keep telling myself that I need to eat so that I can work out and look good when I get thinner and not a saggy bag of gross bones like I see at the gym so often. I have to eat and stay healthy for my kids and so that I can set a good example for them. The last thing that I would want to see is Olivia go through the same thing. There is enough pressure from kids and TV that she will have to deal with, dealing with something like that at the house would be the worst thing that I could do to both of them.

I am trying to stay out of that mind set but it is hard, I had done it for so long. I thought those feelings were long and gone, but I guess it is something that will always be there, I just have to know how to get through it. Thankfully, when Cisco goes to work at night, I'm not there alone with my former self. I'm there with my kids, who keep me busy and help me think positive all the time.

I will lose this weight, but in a safe way this time around. That is something that I can proudly say.

~M

Just Catchin' Up...

I thought that I would let everyone in on what is going on besides killing myself at the gym. During Spring Break Anthony and I went to Disneyland, just the two of us. We had never done that before and it was so much fun. I think Olivia and I will do it next year. I know that I won't have to fight with her as much to ride some things like I did with Anthony. We had so much fun!!! I will have to post some pics when I get around to it, I hate trying to do that, it takes so long sometimes.

We have been very busy with school activites and plays. Olivia was in High School Musical at school, Anthony is going to have a Famous Nevadan Show at school he is going to be Kit Carson. We have to go and buy the clothes for it still.

School gets out in June and then the kids will be off and running for 3 months. They are going to Kansas City and Virginia for two weeks this summer, but I know there will be some camping trips thrown in there, so it should be fun.

A friend of mine and I made a deal that we will have lost enough weight to be comforatable enough in swim suits in public that we will get a cabana at one of the pools on the strip for the day. I think that will be so much fun. I'm looking forward to it.

Mother's Day is this weekend and each year it gets better as the kids get older. They get more creative and more excited about doing things with me that day. They are always worried about buying me something but I always tell them that I want them to make me things. Anthony and Olivia made a menu for breakfast on Mother's Day for me to choose from. So I have to circle what I want. The name of the resaurant is called "IMOM'S" It's so cute. I'm excited to see what they have planned for the day. Maybe I will do a little slip and slide with them outside on Sunday. I will have to remember to take pictures of the kids, with me not in them...lol.

I am registered for school for the Summer as well as for the Fall. I'm almost done, I only have two semesters after the fall...I think that is all that I have, then I am done and I can stress out about paying for UNLV. Lucky me. Well I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

~M

Just Keep Going...Just Keep Going...

So since my last post I've been running, walking briskly, running up hills at the park and playing outside with the kids more. I know that it hasn't been a full week, I think I am one day shy but I thought I would check in like I promised.

I am feeling so good about myself since I promised myself a new lease on life. I go out and do something everyday, with only Sunday as my day off. I run, not real fast but I do it the best I can and as far and often as I can to help build some endurance. I went with Cisco the other day and I thought that I was going to die. I'm glad that he went because I wouldn't have pushed myself that hard or far. Now I know that I can go as far as we did running and make it. I just have to try for a little further each time I go. The only problem is the turn around the corner from where we stopped was uphill from there, I guess that's my next challenge, running uphill.

Today I am going to buy a new scale the one we have is a piece of junk. I weighed myself in the morning and it said 215 and later on in the day I did it again and it said 212.5. It's a miracle you can lose 3.5 pounds in one day! So since the scale cannot give me an accurate reading I'm going to buy one that can. I can't go to the gym everyday to weigh myself.

My challenge right now is eating smaller portions of food at a sitting. I don't eat a lot right now as it is, but I would like to cut the portion size in half. I have to learn to eat 6 small healthy meals each day instead of Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Which is pretty much what I'm doing now, and then eating fruit or yogurt in between. I found this really great website www.livestrong.com/thedailyplate it's great, you can keep track of all your calories, your workout sessions, water you take in everyday, it's just got everything. You put in your weight and your weight loss goal for the week and it gives you how many calories that you should be having each day to achieve that goal. A friend of mine also said that there is an application for iPhone on there too, for those of you that have one.

It's been a challenging week, Cisco and the kids have been great about not letting me give any excuses for not going out there and at least taking a walk everyday and I'm so happy that they are doing that. I haven't had an ounce of fast food since I posted last week either, and my soda intake has drastically dropped (mostly because when I drink it I get headaches or don't feel too good after). So all in all I think I am off to a good start, now I just have to keep it up. I'm going to take it one week at a time and before I know it I will be there.

~M

A New Day...A New Beginning...

As the sun rises I am reminded of my commitment to myself. I need a new beginning. I need a new start. I need to stop making promises to others and deals with some and come to the reality that I need to do this for myself and no one else. I talked to Cisco about this the other night, but I wonder how much of the conversation he remembers...

I am willing to put myself out there completely, to be vulnerable, to be held accountable for my own actions. It may just be an online diary, but I know that some very close friends of mine read this and knowing that it's worth it to me.

I have said so many times before that I vow to lose weight and I'm going to start today, I'm going to the gym, I'm going to make a deal with whom ever to lose so much in this time frame...but I always fail at my vow and go back to the way things were. No more. I'm done. I'm tired of walking by the nice outfits and wishing that I could buy some but instead have to walk into the fat girl section of the store. I'm tired of not wanting to wear shorts in the summer in fear of how I would look in them. I want to go to the swimming pool with the kids and get in without feeling fat and gross. I don't know anyone that likes to feel that way. I want to start shopping in the Misses section of the store again and not the Women's. I want to start shopping at Victoria's Secret again and not at Lane Bryant. I'm just done.

I only work 3 days a week right now, and I have no excuses. I thought about it today too...think about all the time that we sit in front of the T.V. or reading books, magazines or are on the computer. Hours a day. But for some reason there is always the excuse of not having enough time in the day to workout and take care of yourself. I know that when I get home from work I think of all the things I still have to do, get dinner ready for the kids, help with homework and any other chores. But it's staying lighter later and we have dogs and there is a park right down the damn street. So now what is the excuse? There is always one that I can think of, but no more.

I have a goal. I really, really, really want to participate in a Marathon. Just to prove to myself that I can. I can't run for s***, but I think that I can fix that. I think the biggest reason why I can't run right now is because I am 90 pounds over weight and my body is telling my fat ass to get home and watch some T.V. instead of working out.

I am addicted to The Biggest Loser. I think it's the greatest show, it's just so inspiring. I think that I have to take that as a clue to stop sitting and watching it and doing it. If people are on there that are 360 pounds and climbing a mountain then I think that I can do it too. Yes, given that they are there for months and all they do is work out it makes it look so easy. But I know first hand that it will be a real bitch to get into this thing. I have to keep up a routine and just do it. Summer heat or not no more excuses.

I am 220 pounds...how does that happen!!!! I look at pictures of myself and am just grossed out. I personally don't think I look that big, but pictures tell such a different story. I know that the weight started when I was taking shots for birth control and they had steroids in them, I gained 10 pounds a year for 4 years from that. That's a lot, then I never did anything about it and it just got worse. It didn't help that I was in a relationship with someone that loved me regardless, so of course that was that. I'm tired of seeing that number.

I know that I am alone in my little battle and I will have to fight the war alone, but I know I can do it. I have the goal in my sight and even though it was hard to write it down and embarrassing I wrote that horrible number down. I've decided to update this every week to help myself see progress. I was going to put a photo up, but I'm just not THAT brave....

Today is my Monday and I'm so excited to find myself again...

~M

Trying To Stay Hopeful...

I'm really trying. It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks, I've just been down. Really down, I try my best to put on happy faces and smile when the time is appropriate but it's so tiring at the end of the day to pretend to be something that I am not...happy. I know that I have to look at the bigger picture and see what I have in front of me, and I try to everyday, but there are just some things that have been bothering me for so long and the aren't getting any better.

One great example would be the enormous feat of trying to get to the gym with no interruptions and nothing stopping me from going. My whole weight loss plan thing is out the window...again. I am coming close to defeat, I'm going to try to stay very with it this coming week since the kids are not in school and I will not be working much I can go and hopefully that will help things, see I try to keep it positive.

One other example is the job hunting, I'm sure that this is the same all around this country and it's so exhausting. I see ads all the time, I apply for jobs ALL THE TIME and never once have I recieved a call back. Oh, I had a bite for City Center, but now since they have been in the S*** I wouldn't be surprised if I got that one now. Even if I did they won't even offer me the job until September. That's right, SEPTEMBER! What the hell am I supposed to do til then! I'm down to 3 days a week now and I'm sure soon it will be cut down more, but all I can do is keep putting applications in and hope that McDonalds calls next week.

Cisco has been great through this whole thing and so have the kids. I know that I probably give them a harder time than I need to, and I try really hard to not have the little things get to me right now, because believe me it's easy for those little things to set me over the edge. I had a melt down last week and thought that all hope was lost. I was ready to jump out our second story window, but Cisco just layed there with me in our room and didn't say much of anything, he just let me get it all out, tears and all. I think that's why I love him so much. I think most guys would have gone into the living room and let their woman be. "Oh, I'll give her the space she soooo needs right now and when she's ready she will come out" Now I must admit that Cisco had done this before, but not when I seemed to be so sad and woeful. It's nice to know that person is there, it is a sign of support and understanding. Even if he does nothing but sit there with you through it.

I love you baby, maybe it's my turn to have someone to lean on in my time of need, and I am so glad that it is you that is there for me to lean on.

Love you forever babe...

~M

Sometimes I Wonder...

June 28th will be 9 years with Cisco. Nine years. That's a long time. I didn't think that this relationship would have lasted this long. I didn't think that it would last 1, I was surprised when that rolled around. So now every year its an amazing feat as far as I am concerned. I love him so much and he tells me the same, which I do believe. We have gotten into some heated arguments over the years, and I think the most obvious is marriage. I have always found it so difficult to talk to my friends about the subject because as a female the obvious questions that you ask your friends are, "It's been a couple of years and he still hasn't asked, what do I do?" Most answers are to leave, make an ultimatum, or just deal with it and ultimately be ok with it. I have had to do the latter, not because I want to but because I don't really have any choice unless I want to leave, and that isn't really much of an option right now.

I have always thought that my situation with this relationship always sucked when it came from getting dating advice from friends or family. Normally it's easy to get from people because someone has been in the same situation that you may be in at the moment and it's easy to get the advice. I have never been able to do that because I don't know anyone that has dated a widow. So all the advice that I have received over the years has been thrown straight into the circular file. So I am a lone sheep looking for guidance, swimming the unknown waters the best I can. I've come a long way on my own, all of it a learning experience. I can't say all of it was a good one, but a learning experience all the same. An example would have been that when we first got together I was so naive, I guess that I thought that it was normal or ok to be hidden away from the world when you are dating someone who was married before. It was understandable for us in a way because we worked together, but the same followed suit when we were out of work too. I didn't meet any family, except his brother and Olivia. No one else could know about me. I wondered why for the longest time and then put my foot down one night. That was it, I had it. If we were together then we were together and if he didn't want to let me see the light of day then he didn't need to be dating me any longer. That lasted for quite a while, I think a little over a year. I honestly don't know anyone that would put up with that, so I'm pretty proud of myself for doing so.

Dealing with the mood swings, depression, indecisiveness on our relationship, breaking up, getting back together, living there for weekends or weeks at a time, but not wanting to "move in" together. I have done it all. I hope someone comes to me with advice some day. I should write a book actually. I guess after a while it just takes a toll on you and you wonder what your place is in the relationship. I have wondered that so much.

I wondered that a lot recently. I believe in God, I believe that when you are facing judgement God will look at you and look at your life and will decide where you belong. I would hope that I will be allowed to go into heaven. I would hope that all the good things that I have done in my life will cancel out the bad and especially me staying in a relationship where the man I love doesn't have an interest in marrying me. I will tell you that I wonder how much of him not wanting to marry me has to do with me or with his issues at hand. I am beginning to not care anymore, not about him not wanting to marry me (I will always care about that) just about the reasons that he doesn't want to. It really sucks to know that I am not the one. To know that I am second best. To know that when I go to heaven I won't be with him. He will be with her. It really sucks and makes me so deeply hurt and sad that sometimes I don't know what to do but to close up. To know that if he had a choice it wouldn't be me. I think that is why when he tells me how much he loves me and cares for me I don't believe him, I know that he does, but I always wonder why. Not because I carried his child, not because we grew as adults and learned about life together. There are other reasons and I just wonder sometimes if they are just as good. I would hope so. I want to get married. I want to have the man I love look at me and I want to know that I am the only one. To be so sick inside and not want to go on living if something horrible were to happen to me. Maybe Cisco does feel that way about me, but I just don't know it. If he does then I would feel better a little, but it still wouldn't justify him not wanting to marry me. I just don't understand. I try to be ok with it all the time, but sometimes it's just hard, really hard.


I think that I am in just one of those funks right now, I've been feeling it for a couple of weeks now and it's not going away. Maybe taking Cisco up on his dare (of writing how exactly I feel) will make me feel better, or maybe it's just my turn to tell my side of the story. There is tons more, but I don't think I have it in me to write more right now.

~M

Valentines...

Valentines day...what an over rated "holiday" if you can even call it that. I have slowly began to hate this so called "holiday" just because it's over rated, over priced and over the top. Why can't every day be Valentines Day? Why does there have to be a whole day dedicated to showing that special someone that you love them? Cisco helped me see the light in that aspect. Olivia was so excited and asked me what I wanted or hoped that Cisco got me for Valentines and I told her that I didn't want anything except a card. She was completely taken back by that. She said, "BUT IT'S VALENTINES DAY!!! HE'S SUPPOSED TO GET YOU FLOWERS OR JEWELRY OR SOMETHING!!!" I continued to explain to her that flowers were overpriced during this time of year, the normal bouquet that you would by to show some love is normally $20 dollars or less, but for Valentines day it's around $60. Jewelry would be nice, but we can't afford those things right now, so a card would be perfect.

I normally don't expect anything during holiday's...execpt for a a card. I am a stickler for cards. That is the one thing that I will ask about, "did you get me a card?" It doesn't even have to be a card. It can be a note written in crayon on construction paper, a post it, some tree bark, on concrete, in the sand or in the dirt. I don't care, but it's just nice to get something that says that you are loved, regardless of the day. It could be on Presidents Day for all I care. It's just so wonderful to get something that you don't expect. It can be placed in the car, on the fridge on a cabinet...doesn't matter. Sometimes it's just nice to get something that is unexpected to put a smile on your face for the day...it beats bills.

For all of those that think that Valentines Day is something that needs to be celebrated and expensive presents bought, I'm sorry, you have officially been trapped by the "Hallmark" monster. (I love Halllmark, but I have to draw the line somewehere) However, I do wish everyone a wonderful holiday.

~M

Discovery...

Have you ever been scared of something, or knew that you either liked or disliked something with such a passion but just didn't know why?

Well I have been in that boat for years and every once and a while I will figure out why I feel the way I do about something. Let it be a phobia or a certain uneasiness about something unfamiliar. The discovery will sometimes come while I am dreaming or it will emerge when I am in the middle of that moment that I am comfortable or uncomfortable about a situation that I am in.

One thing that I am scared to death of are balloons. Hate them, hate them, hate them. It's always a fun little treat for someone when they find out that I am so scared of them because they insist on bringing them around me to wait for the reaction. Now, I am totally fine with Mylar balloons, they don't bother me at all. I rather enjoy sticking a straw into them and sucking the helium from them when I get a chance. When working at Mandalay Bay it was sometimes a regular thing for balloons to come into Room Service because people would send gifts or someone would win employee of the month and of course these stupid balloons would be set in my general area. I swiftly named another employee to be the lucky one to move them into the managers office or the order takers booth, I was not going to be the one to have those suckers pop while in my face.

I wondered for years as to why I was so scared of balloons, it just didn't make any sense to me that this fear was just there. There had to be a reason, I couldn't remember anything though. One day my mom told me that my brother popped some balloons in my face when we were little and ever since then I have had issues. So there is one problem solved, and now when I see balloons I run far far away.

The other issue that I have is that I hate night time. I don't look forward to the sun setting. Doesn't matter if I'm alone that night without the kids and Cisco is working or if there is a house full of people. I don't like it. I told this to Cisco the other night and he thought it was weird. I did too, and proceeded to try and think as to why I don't like the night time. It took a night or two, but the conclusion came to me laying in bed one night when I couldn't sleep. When I was in 5th grade and lived with my dad sometimes I had a babysitter and sometimes I didn't. He worked at night so he couldn't be there. Then in 6th, 7th and 8th grade I never had a babysitter. So I was always by myself. I wasn't scared that the boogy man was gonna get me so much as it was being alone. I just don't like that feeling. So to solve that problem back then I always had people at the house. I invited my friends over, my cousin, had parties, you name it just so I wasn't by myself. My best friend lived across the street, but that didn't matter because she didn't live with me. Some nights I would stay up until 2 am to wait for my dad then go to sleep. That was bad though because I had school the next day.

But I thought that it was so wonderful that I figured out my own little mystery. Cisco wasn't as amazed as me, but I thought it was awesome. I'm sure that there are people that sit there for years and wonder why about some of the things that they do or how they feel and never come to a resolution. So the fact that I have makes me happy. I hope that I am able to figure some other mysteries out...I'm fresh out for right now though.

~M

This Boy...

I just don't know what to do about Anthony any longer. I am at my wits end. It is truly a shame that I say that and that I feel that way but I am. I want to hold up the white flag of surrender. We (Anthony's teacher, Cisco and I) have been trying pretty much since the beginning of the school year to help him out with his studies. He wasn't doing too hot, mostly D's and an F every once and a while. We do tutoring before school and after school on some days and then the rest is done in the class room and at home. The case of him having ADHD has come into play and we are in the process of getting that tested and seeing if there is something going on down that road. But, still in the mean time it's mainly his attitude about school. I know that kids just don't like school in general, they would rather stay at home and sleep or play video games all day, but that will and won't ever happen. I have spoken to him about what happens if you don't stay in school and where his life could go, but every time I say that he says how his grandpa will hire him and he can work with him. Since he has been telling me this I tell my step-dad to tell him that if he doesn't go to school and graduate that he won't hire him.

If you can believe it not even that worked to make him try a little harder in school. Cisco and I have discussed having him held back and doing the 4th grade again and I have spoken with his teacher about this and she said that it's nearly impossible to have a child held back a grade (thanks Bush, lovin' that no child left behind crap). I really do think that he needs it, not only because of the material but I think that if he sees that all his friends are in 5th and he's stuck in 4th he will finally get a clue. Now, I would hate to go through all that and still see that it didn't work so I'm holding off on making a phone call to the Oval Office to make it happen.

Anthony's teacher called me at work and I spoke with her about Anthony and his attitude about things, he just doesn't care. Everything that comes out of his mouth is, " I don't care ". I thought that he was saying that to just me and Cisco apparently he is telling his teacher to F*** off too, which is what I see the "I don't care" as a sign of. He is a good boy, he really is, but when it comes to school and having to go and coming home and doing home work, he turns into this monster. It's horrible, it's so stressful. I blame myself everyday for it all. I don't know what I could have done to make it different or if it's just hardwired into him somehow. I love school, I still do and he sees that I go. Olivia doesn't loathe school and Cisco graduated from College so I don't know where this immense hate for it comes from. Everyone has tried to get it out of him, but all he ever says about it is "I don't know". I could just grab him by the neck sometimes and choke him so that he would tell me what the problem is. I've begged him to tell me so that I could fix it but...nothing.

I'm so lost at this point. I don't know what else to do. I've taken video games away, lowered the bed time hour, no visits with friends or grandparents, no movies, etc. Anything you can think of I have done it. The only ammunition I have for this week is his birthday and his friend's birthday.

His friend is having his birthday on Saturday and he's not going to be able to go to that. Also, Anthony's birthday is tomorrow, and I don't know if I should still do all the things for him that I planned on because of this. The timing really sucks, his birthday party was going to be next week, but now that is going to go on the back burner until all this other stuff gets worked out. I will still throw him one, it may be in April but I will throw him one with all his little friends. I told Cisco that I have to feel some major support coming from him on this one...I do not want to go back on this, cause if I do Anthony will think that everything else that I said was not important. I have to hold firm and follow through with this one.

I don't know maybe a miracle will happen, but I'm not holding my breath.

~M

All Too Fast...

So sometimes I lay in bed and can't sleep.

The desire to sneak into Anthony or Olivia's room to snuggle while they are sleeping gets to be so bad that sometimes I give in and go in there. To smell their hair and face is just comforting. The smell isn't the same though, when they were little it smelled like baby shampoo and softness. The smell is similar, it's of innocence but not as strong as it used to be.

They spend more time in their rooms now, and upstairs building things. The desire to "hang out" with me downstairs isn't there as much anymore.

Sometimes when I am laying in bed at night this gets to me, it makes me sad, it makes me cry. It makes me wish that my babies were small again. Where they couldn't pronounce words right, where they would just sit around and make things and want us to look at them and their little faces would beam with joy when we would oogle their picture that slightly looks like a dog, or us.

When Anthony was a baby, or actually before I even had Anthony I came across a book called "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. I cry every time I read it. It's very difficult for me to read it to Anthony because I cry and he doesn't know why and then he cries. It's a wonderful book about a mother who cares for her son and every night cradles him in his arms and sings him a song about how much she loves him and will do so forever. She does this through his teen years, he does this when he is a grown man and when his mom is old and can't do anything for herself any longer he cradles her in his arms and sings the song that she has sung to him for all the days of his life. If you haven't read it you have to...especially if you have kids.

I never thought the day would come where they would actually grew up. I mean I knew it would happen, just not so soon. It hurts my heart to know that within the next couple of years Anthony won't want to go on "dates" to the movies and dinner with me on Friday nights any more. He won't want to snuggle in bed with me when dad isn't home, won't want to watch cartoons or cartoon movies with me for endless hours on Saturday nights any longer. He will want to go to his friend's house, go out to the movies with a girl, and then before I know it he will move out and hopefully visit every now and again. It makes me so incredibly sad. Trying not to cry while writing this is hard too.

My mom told me the day would come, but it just didn't seem possible. But it's approaching. Anthony is worried about his clothes and what he wears, Olivia is getting more and more into boys (how cute they are, and who she is "crushing" over). Have I really turned into the mom that is needing to take a class on the new teen lingo???? I'm only 29 how in the hell is that possible. I feel like I only got out of high school a couple of years ago!

It's hard and it sucks, but I keep thinking about the good things that will come out of it. Hopefully, Cisco and I have taught our kids to be responsible for their actions, be honest, be kind to others, never dream too big and to always love others. There is nothing much besides wrapping them in a plastic bubble that we can do to protect them and make them happy and healthy adults.

~M

Christmas...Etc...

It's over, I think that is all I really have to say about it. I'm glad that it is over, and not for the usual reasons that you would think. I was so sick during Christmas that I am glad that it is over. It started a couple of days before the wonderful and exciting little holiday came to our house. There were aunties and uncles in town, dinner at homes that I love to frequent, parties at others and none of them were enjoyed, at least by me. I didn't go to the candle light service at Olivia's grandma's church, and I love going to it every year. It was just a bad three weeks, yes, three weeks was how long I was sick for. I don't remember much of Christmas because of being sick, I just remember sleeping a lot and wishing that I didn't have to go to parties and dinners. But now that it is over I'm so happy.

The kids got the usual loot, too many presents and nowhere to put them. Cisco and I got things that we needed, which is always appreciated, and from our friends and family we got things we could play with and read, which is always nice to get, no matter how old you are! I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday with their family and friends like we did.

A couple of weeks ago Cisco went and cleaned out the storage unit of all the stuff from the store and it is now housed in our garage. By the looks of it, we may have our Christmas stuff up until next year. You can't get to anything in the house. I hope I don't need a hammer anytime soon, cause I wouldn't be able to get to it, I would have to go and buy a new one. The boxes for the Christmas tree and the ornaments are tucked away with chairs blocking it. I refuse to go in there, because every time I do I am tempted to get a bunch of that stuff and leave it in the driveway so that whom ever should pass our little house may just come along and take what they need. Cisco doesn't want me to sell any of that stuff, I'm sure, unless he is there, but I am going to have to pull some of it out and try for the best when I have a yard sale in a couple of weeks. I need to have my garage and sanity back. I can't remember the last time I personally took the trash out, I either wait for Cisco to do it, or on a garbage night I have the kids take it to the curb, you can't get to the front of the garage without needing to do a balancing act on top of carpets and chairs. You don't realize how much you go in there until you need to go in and can't get in. Oh, well at least no storage means one less bill every month.

Work is starting to feel more like work, I'm not happy here any more. I am ready for a change, I need to do some research and figure out what is going to be right for me. I am tired of working at my mom's house, not having anyone to talk to except for my mom or "grandma", I can't stand coming to my mom's on weekends, because I am here all week long. That sucks. I love my mom, but to hear her and my grandma talk and argue for hours on end in an echo enhanced kitchen with my office on the other side of the door is getting on my nerves. I just need a change, I don't know what to do about it yet, but when I do I promise that I will write about it 6 months after it happens! That seems to be the norm for me to get around to writing anymore.

I can't think of what else to write about right now. Anthony's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and we are trying to figure out what to do for that. That's about it. Hope everyone is enjoying their winter and have a safe one at that.

~M