I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself...

Is It A Series Of Unfortunate Events...

I'm bored...

I'm bored...

I'm BORED...

Not with my life in general but with my realationship in general. It seems to be the same all the time, the conversation has become repetition and contains the same information all of the time. How is it that I should be able to change that up?

The same thing occuring in the relationship everyday is a good thing, I'm all for stability, but changing things up every once and a while isn't bad either.

Going to bed with naked used to bring feelings of desire and want. It was guaranteed to bring warm cuddling, kissing and a very strong prospect to Nookie...not now, sometimes but more times than not, it doesn't happen.

I used to be excited when the kids went to spend the night at grandma's house. It was always guaranteed that there would be an adventure that night, now it is spent trying to figure out what to do and usually always entails a male falling asleep on the couch at about 9:30.

As Tom Cruise would put it, "He's lost that loving feeling". There is no romance, there is no surprise. Now, it's not something that I am hoping for everyday, but it's been made so clear that these are things that I need in my life to be able to sustain. However, the desire from him to do things that would bring spark and romance is not anywhere to be found.

There used to be mornings of cuddling and if that wasn't there atleast when he woke up at the crack of dawn he would stay in bed with me, turn on the T.V. and when I woke up I could roll over and hold him. Now he goes into the study area turns on the T.V. and what wakes me up everymorning is the rapid typing on the keyboard. He says that he doesn't want to wake me up, but I see it another way. Atleast when he would stay in bed there was always playing that would sometimes lead to a nookie factor or atleast a playful smile would emerge.

Who knows, I don't. I'm glad that I am in a stable relationship, but this relationship doesn't warrent being like an old married couple. Especially since he refuses to marry me. I know that we all have our schedules and everything going on but it's getting boring seeing him fall asleep right after he get's home from work. There used to be so much talking and interesting conversation going on. It seems as though his thought and brainwaves have gone out the window sometimes. I know that I may be to blame for some of this. I could help, but I feel that I bring most of it around this relationship. Maybe that is what needs to happen if I desire for things to be different, but it's hard to be the only one doing things.

I found out that there have been other men that do things every once and a while, mark a spot on the calendar and when that date comes up do something or bring something home that is romantic.

It's sad when I wake up at 6:30 in the morning with nothing but thoughts of how to title this blog. But such is life.

~M

Almost There...

Well Fall semester is coming to an end. It was pretty rough going for a while. I dropped two classes because they were more intensive than I thought that they would be. It's alright though. I still have four that I am taking.

I received my grade for Astronomy and it was an A+, one down three more to go. My last class date is on December 12 and I have one research paper to do on Hedda Gabler and a paper to do on relationships from Communications. Other than that Math is just the testing. Since I have an A+ in my Astronomy class I was given the option to not go back to that class, which I am taking. Why go if I don't need to, I'm happy with a 98% in the class, that may have gone up since the test lastnight, which was 100%.

I feel good about how I am doing in school right now. I have been working hard and reading a lot. I am half way done with getting my AB and it will be good to graduate from CCSN and then transfer to UNLV.

I am in the process of deciding if I want to go with a Double Major. I don't know. I do know that it will be a lot of work, but I can do it. Especially if I put my mind to it.

~M

A Load Of Ideas...

So since my Birthday is just around the corner I have been asked by several people how I would like to spend it. I have thought very deeply and hard about this and I am ready to put down various examples. I have told the Cisco that I shouldn't have to tell him what to do for my birthday. I would think that by now he would know that I am an extremely romantic person and he would know what I would want to do. But it should be interesting to see. I will give a scenario and then proceed with my list.

Wake up in the morning, smack one of the kids on the head to wake up for school. :) Find post it notes around the house telling me Happy Birthday and how much I am loved. Smile and smack someone else on the head out of sheer happiness. Drink my special. Grande Decaf Vanilla Latte that was brought from Starbucks just for me. Drive myself and the Kidlets to my job. Work begrudgingly on my birthday. Make sure that I tell everyone at work and at the job site that it is my birthday by wearing my little princess crown that I bought at Disneyland. Go to lunch with the kidlets. Sometime in the afternoon be so surprised that I almost cry when I receive a dozen roses (11 red and 1 white in the middle, or fire and ice) delivered to me at work, with a beautiful card to go with it. Smack one of the kids again out of sheer happiness :P Work until ummmm...about 4:30pm. Go home make me and the kiddies dinner or if I get really lucky the Cisco will not be busy that day and he will take us out to dinner, while I will still be wearing my crown mind you. Go home tuck the kiddies in bed and then drink Port until I can't see straight!

I think that would be a good birthday. Now, let's keep in mind that there has to be a celebration happening during the weekend! Here is a list of ideas that I have in mind for that weekend!

Restaurants

Coco's
Rosemarys
Alize
McDonalds
Andres
Craft Steak

Things I would like to do afterwards

See a show, such as...

O
Barry Mannalo
Mystere (again)
Love
Penn and Teller
Chippendales

And then after that enjoy a drink somewhere.

Such as...

The Mix
Roadrunner
VooDoo Lounge
PT's Pub
Ghost Bar
Onyx Lounge

Now, if the Cisco isn't able to come up with his own ideas for this birthday thing and he decides to use my list as a reference I certainly hope that he is going to use his Left side of the brain to pick appropriate choices. I have already went over this with him once, so it will be interesting to find out if he is able to pick the right things. I wouldn't think that it would be hard. It would be nice to stay somewhere other than home with something waiting in the room upon our arrival. But who knows...

A question of presents has also been brought up and with the Cisco I have solved this dilemma by helping him out. He can either get me nothing or an Engagement ring. I am no longer shy about asking about this. He knows what I want and if he chooses not to get me that then I want nothing for Birthday's, Christmas', Valentines', anniversary's. He says, "that's not fair", I beg to differ. I can think of something else that isn't fair...Don't make me go there. But I think that if he doesn't want to marry me then shopping for me for the holiday's is going to be extremely easy, one less thing to buy.

From my parents I know I'm gonna get money, and that is good, I need a new outfit and to pay for the $700 diamond bracelet that I bought for myself, for my birthday of course! I never bought real jewelry before and it was fun. It's a simple bracelet with little diamonds in it, I like it. She gave me a huge discount because I said it was my birthday present to myself. I can't wait to get it!

Well here is to a Happy Birthday to myself in a couple of weeks.

~M

And So The Countdown Begins...

My birthday is this month. I guess it is something to be excited about. I have noticed, however, that during the past couple of years having a birthday isn't as exciting as it was in years past. I think growing up has a lot to do with it. I am begining to look at it as just another day on the calendar. It's ok, I guess. I think that I am a little disapointed. I thought that I would be doing so many other things and having so much more when I turned 25, 26 and now 27. I am beginning to accept it, or forcing myself to accept it. It's ok, it's just another day.

~M

Weekend Full Of...

F~U~N!

Yes, this weekend was indeed a long one. It came time to throw Anthony and Olivia their Halloween Party that I had promised since last year. It was indeed something spectacular to witness. There weren't too many kids there which made it more wonderful.

I spent nearly all night on Friday cutting, choping, baking, and rolling food for party trays and desserts. Decorating the house was fun too. It was all prety much done because when October rolled around I had to decorate the house anyway. My mom bought a fog machine and I bought two and a half dozen of black and orange balloons. The house looked great. The kids had pumpkins to decorate (foam and glitter glue) while they waited for the rest of the herd to come along to the party.

We played a cotton ball game where you are blindfolded and have to scoop up the cotton balls with a spoon and put them into the bucket on top of your head. This game is one that I usually see at baby showers but it was fun here. The kids loved it. Anthony won that one.

The other game is always a favorite, kind of, musical chairs. My brother was the DJ for that one. It was fun, but there was tears from one little girl. She was out right away. I felt really bad and wished that we hadn't played, but I thought that since the kids were older they would be able to handle not winning a game. I guess I underestimated. One of Olivia's little friends won that game.

Another was Hot Pumpkin, which is exactly like hot potato but with a pumpkin. My brother was the DJ for that one also. This game also ended in tears for the 2nd place winner. Another one of Olivia's friends won that one.

Haunted Hunt was fun, thanks to the help of my love painting last year's Easter Eggs Black and Orange at 1am. I filled the eggs with candy and some with a piece of paper for prizes. This game was fun. Everyone had fun with it. Nearly everyone got a little prize to take home...including the pumpkin buckets that I bought everyone to hunt with. This was a real treat the kids had a ton of fun opening their eggs to find things in them.

The last game was a popcorn kernal toss. The kids had to try and get as many popcorn kernals in a cup as possible. This was a pain because then you had to count the kernals. I don't think that we will be playing that game next year. Another one of Olivia's little friends won that one too!

We all had a ton of fun. My only regret is that I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted to, it was hard because I was trying to run all of the games. I should have made someone in charge of the camera while I did it all. Next year will be even better...I want to do some kind of haunted house thing that isn't too scary. I think that I will have it go on a little bit later like 4 instead of 3pm. It will be fun because each year you get more and more stuff to make it better. It will be fun when the kids are in Jr. High to do something, especially the haunted house thing. Older kids love that kind of stuff!

~M

Happiest Place on Earth...

Well I hope so anyways...

Anthony, Lucy aka Mom and I are going to California this weekend to attend a reception of a friend who didn't invite me to the wedding because it was in New York...or atleast that was the reason she said. It's ok...I will get back at her one day. I'm not too sure when that will happen but it will.

So tomorrow when Anthony gets out of school we are getting right on the road and then driving to Anaheim. On Saturday I'm sure we will wake up and have breakfast and then drive over to San Diego for the thingie.

Sunday will be awesome though...



We are going to my, as Anthony would say, "Favoritest Place" in the world. Disneyland. We are only going there for the day, but that is enough for me. Cisco thinks that I am crazy because I am then going there again in January for Anthony's birhday. We are going for three days! Which is perfect because it gives us plenty of time to do things without rushing here and there and everywhere!



My mom got on my nerves big time when we went to Disneyland together with only the kids two years ago. I think it was because she was being a grandma and I was being a mom and the two weren't mixing well. Now I just let her buy all the crap that she wants to for the kids because what is the use in fighting. It's her money not mine. I know that the junk will end up broken or in the trash in a couple of weeks but. I have to think back on when I was a kid and when my brother and I went to Disneyland my mom and Rick used to buy us all this stuff...candy, toys, light up ears, hats. EVERYTHING. I don't want Anthony and Olivia looking back on me thinking that I was the Disney Nazi so I lightened up and even joined in on the spoiling. They will only be little once and I know that I have nothing but good mememories of going to Disneyland and I want the same for them.

Even if eating a giant turkey leg brings sheer joy.



I know that the trip is going to be a fast one but I am totally game. I seriously thought about buying a season's pass for Disneyland. It would be totally worth it for me. I would then only have to worry about the hotel room. In January I am thinking about springing for a hotel room at the Disneyland Hotel or Disney's Californian Hotel which is in Downtown Disney. I wonder what the deal is with parking though. Well it will be a fun trip. Olivia isn't going on this quick one but she is going in January so it will be full of family fun even if it's only us and my mom.

I have never been to Disneyland in October and they have it dressed up for Halloween it should be cool. I guess the characters dress up and the Haunted Masion is just like the Nightmare Before Christmas. That will be cool to see. And who can forget that Pirates of the Carrabean is now open and is new. I hope that I am not too disapointed. I loved the old one and I hope that it is still cool. Eventhough I have to bribe Anthony to ride Splash Mountain it should be awesome.

And like Anthony I might have to write a note on my hand to remember to say "Thank You" I'll be so excited!

Looking In...

So one of the big assignments that I have for my Communications 102 class is an essay on "Looking In" at ourselves. Which covers the material that we have learned so far. We have to write about our self concept and how we came to the conclusion of out self concept, who we thing has had an influance on it and all. I have been thinking very hard about this and I am afraid that the essay is going to be quite disturbing. I almost want to post it when I am finished with it. Now, I haven't even started it but I have begun searching deep inside of myself to think about the how's and why's of me and what has lead me to where I am and who has had the influances on me being where I am today.

I think what is extremely upsetting to me is that I have always been a daddy's girl.

But, unfortunately I think some of my worst "habits" or "traits" that I have is because of him. I know that he has always loved me and cared for me, but he was never the kind of dad that was real interested in showing affection. I know it is because of the way he was raised and the way his parents were, but I always thought that the goal of a parent was to not be like their parents when it came to the negative things.

Some of the things that I catch myself doing is just like what my dad would do. I don't spank Anthony anymore, I made myself stop doing that. Now, it only happened when it was strongly warrented. He always definately deserved it, but I began hating myself because of it. I couldn't believe that I would let myself become so angry at something that didn't have a huge impact on our way of life or the danger of another person. My dad was so fast to spank my brother and I for things that I look back on and think were stupid. Things that could have been solved by spending large amounts of time in my room or being grounded. I think I especially hated the excuses that I heard when I was given the spankings with the famous leather belt that he would snap when coming down the hallway to issue the capitol punishment. "It's because I am worried about you" or the other one that was my favorite was "This hurts me more than it hurts you". Yeah, those were the days.

I think one particular punishment will always stick and to this day my dad is saying he is sorry. I was 5 and we were at the grocery store. This was back in the day where we didn't have any money and my dad had two jobs. A family day was going to the grocery store or running errands after school on his day off. It was especially great because it was the one time where he was sober, in the morning. We were at the store and they had this display of candy. It Branch's kind where it was in the little wrappers. I think that my favorite was always the kind that was pink, white and brown. I think it even had little pieces of shredded coconut in it. Well we NEVER got candy when we were with my dad because we just couldn't afford it. The money was better spent on Milk and REAL food. Well I just needed a piece of candy. It was calling to me like in the movies where the beam of light shines only on the area of high interest is located and the music plays. That is exactly what happened to me. I decided if I grabbed the piece of candy, unwrapped it, shoved it in my mouth and chewed as fast as I could, while I was hiding behind the display, no one would know. Well my dad went looking for me and found me in mid chew with the wrapper in my hand. He grabbed me and scolded me in the store. With the wrapper still in my hand and the candy in my tummy we went to the check out stand to pay for our groceries. I was humiliated in line by my dad making be confess to the checkout lady that I "stole" a piece of candy and ate it. I handed her the wrapper and then had to pay for the penny candy. When we got home I received a severe beating with the belt.

My dad says that he is sorry to this day for that incident. He blames himself for me feeling the need to steal the candy because he couldn't afford it. I always tell him that it's ok and that it happened a long time ago but now that I think about it, when I go to the store and I pass by those bulk candy booths I see the candy that got me into so much trouble that day and I turn my head right away, like I will get into touble for looking at the candy in the bin. I don't think that I have had a piece of that candy since that day.

I know that my dad gave me many positive things also, but it is such a shame that it is the bad things that come to mind when assignments like this come along. I know that I am a good person and I have to also think of the good things that my dad has instilled into me. Determination and the will to finish what I start is one that I am quite proud of. Being able to look someone in the eye and tell the truth and even when having a conversation about nothing with someone I don't care for very much. I have the ability to make everyone feel special. I have a good firm handshake and I am able to sum people within 5 minutes of meeting them, a skill that I have had from a very young age.

My mom has had a great influance on me as well, but like my dad I think about the bad things when reflection comes around. I have sworn not to do a lot of the things that my mom has done and I have followed through with all of those so far. My mom used to take us grocery shopping and when we were done we would have to wait near the slot machines while she tried her luck with the left over grocery money. My brother and I would sit there for a long time waiting for her to finish. We were able to watch the milk spoil, that's how long it felt like we were there. I think back on some of the times that it was just me and her. We would be going to Sav-On for something and then she would be swooned by the ringing slot machines and bright lights that grabbed the attention of her addiction. I would sit on the pole and wait for a while and when she would hit something she would cash out and give me twenty bucks, "go look around the store" she would tell me. I now think about how easy it would have been for someone to take me. I was constantly wondering around the store just looking around. How could I spend my twenty bucks that I had just received? It was like treasure. I would find what I wanted. Perfume or pens, crayons and paper. I would go back to where my mom was. The change lady who worked there could never put her lipstick within the lines of her lips and she smelled heavily of smoke all the time and she would come up to me and tell me where I would have to stand behind the imaginary line in the tile. I would watch my mom perplexed at how she could look at the screen for so long and be so happy. All she was doing was pressing buttons and sitting down. When I would ask my mom when we were going to leave she would hand me another twenty. Well that helped keep me busy. We would be there for hours and as long as I had the money I was out of her hair for a little while longer. I remember her leaving us in the car while she said she had to run into the store for something real quick. She ran in once and parked in a red zone. She told me to sit in the drivers seat in case someone came by and then wave my hand like I was going to move. Well I was only 10 or 11 so what the hell was she talking about. Panic set in right away. Next thing I knew there was a security guy honking the horn of his car telling me to move. That was it PANIC!!! I started to cry. He came up to the window and asked me to move the car and all I could say is that I didn't know how to drive. My mom came out and he scolded her about me being in the drivers seat. I believe she then scolded me about not moving the car. Wow, was I pissed at her about that for a long time.

Well any how. I just always said that if I ever had to go somewhere I would never leave the kids in the car. Even if it was to run into 7-11. I always had that fear that my mom would never come back out of the store, because she would be gone for so long. I would never want Anthony or Olivia to feel that way...even though they beg me sometimes to leave them in the car while I do what I have to. They might think that I am mean for dragging them out of the car and making them walk, but oh well, I always feel better about myself for doing it.

I love my mom and dad. They aren't perfect, just like I know there will be things that Anthony will write about, but hopefully there won't be too many stories. Believe me I have thousands more!

The paper for Communications should be quite interesting.

~M

Blaa...Blaa...Blaa...

As far as I am concerned there has been nothing all that interesting going on with my life and frankly I am becoming quite bored. I think that it is time to stir some s@*#! I don't know what yet and I don't know if I actually will be doing that but it seems like a good idea none the less.

I came back recently from the one day trip from Pasadena/Glendale and had an awesome time. I have decided that all parties that involve my minority friends and family are always better than the boring and bland caucasian parties that I have attended in the past. I certainly hope that this weekend will be that one exception (I'm attending a wedding here in Vegas).

For some reason all the parties that I have been to, including parties like Prom and Homecoming, that involve my white friends are always so bland. No one really wants to get up and dance and have a good time. They are too busy sitting at the table talking about what another person is wearing and what time the thing is going to be over.

On the other hand the other side of my family and friends, who happen to be Mexican, know how to make a party fun. There is of course plenty of drinking associated with these festivities and many songs and dances to keep one busy. Also no one is afraid to be the only one on the dance floor. (I have found at caucasian parties no one wants to be the only one or the first one on the dance floor. They would rather sit at the table and do a f*@&ed up version of a dance that they really don't know how to do.)

I have come to the point in my life where I have finally realized that I don't get out too much, I don't go to clubs hardly at all, I will never get married, and I will never have another child. So that means that when I go out to have a good time I will not be concerned about who is looking at me or what they think. I could care less. The only opinion that is important to me is that of my "little family" I don't care about the rest. They can kiss my dancin' ass for all I care!

~M

Yet Another Trip...

Yes, I guess you can call it a family outing. I don't know when the last time was that we all got out of town together. I know it's been a long while. It's sad when it's hard for me to think of the last time.

A childhood friend is having his son baptized in Glendale, CA this Sunday. So, I am packing a day's worth of clothes and we are leaving around 7pm. I have to pick up the Cisco at work and then we are going to go from there.

I am waiting for Olivia to come home so that we can finish up and then go and pick him up. I think I am going to make sandwiches, fruit and some drinks and that will be the food for the road. Considering we will have to eat while driving. I don't feel like getting there at 1am because we had to eat at Coco's in Baker.

It should be nice though. We are staying in Pasadena. We will wake up early tomorrow and have breakfast and then walk around in Old Town. I swear besides Manhattan that is my favorite place.

Well I don't have homework that I know of besides reading Madame Bovary for English, but that isn't due until Thursday and since there is no English or Astronomy class on Tuesday it will be ok.

~M

The Petty Things...

I just read a blog that belongs to a friend of mine that I have known since the 7th grade and it really put some things into perspective for me. Not neccesarily for only myself but for those that are around me.

She just had a baby.

The baby is 15 weeks early and only weighs 1lb 3oz. It amazes me that the baby is able to survive right now, I guess she also said that the baby just had surgery. I don't know for what but the doctors were surprised the baby survived it. I hope that this baby makes it through ok without too many problems. She has three other kids but to loose any child would be devistating.

It hurts me to think of the things that she is going through right now. I whine about not getting any sleep because of school, but she isn't getting any sleep wondering if her baby is going to make it though the next hour.

I whine about not having Anthony for the weekend and having to share him with grandparents sometimes, but my friend isn't even able to touch her baby because of the dangers of him dying. I think now how lucky I am just to be able to hug and kiss Anthony when he is home. I don't know what I would do with myself if something happened to him and doctors told me that I couldn't hold him or touch him at all.

I don't talk to this friend as often as I wish that I could but I wish nothing for the best for her and her family.

I hope all turns out well in the end for everyone and I know that I will be praying for her and the little miracle that she has.

~M

Yeah Yeah I know I Should Have Been Doing Homework...

Well sure I know I should have been dilligently doing homework the past two days but I had bigger plans in the works.

The Cisco told me that he had a surprise for me a couple of weeks ago and on Friday the big day had arrived. He told me that he was taking me out but he didn't say where. On Friday morning I tried to get out of him what the surprise was and he had this look on his face that told me that the surpise was canceled. He was going to take me to the John Lennon art auction at the Hard Rock. Well the exhibit was only on Friday and Saturday, but the hours were from 11am to 7pm. He was not going to be able to get out of work until about 8:30 or 9:00 so the plans were messed up due to that.

So he told me to pick him up from work and we would still be going out because he had other plans, this call came later in the day. I was supposed to dress casual elegant. So my thought was that we were going to go to a show somewhere on the strip or to a club or something. I didn't know so it was nice.

I picked him up and we went to the Hard Rock. I couldn't figure out why we were going there because the exhibit was closed. He then told me that the Scorpions were playing a concert at the Joint and that we were going to go. I was instantly HORRIFIED!!! I had absoutely NO interest in going to see this band. But, he wanted to so I figured I better, "Stand by my man". He went to inquire about tickets and they were sold out for that night but had more for tomorrow. I was relieved, I told him we had to pick up the kids tomorrow so it would be impossible to go. Then we proceeded to leave. He then told me the real group that he wanted to get tickets for. It's Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band.

WTF!!! We are gonna go to that! I will make arrangements for tomorrow, I'm goin' to that! So we went back and got the tickets to go. I was so excited about going! I couldn't wait!

So on Saturday I had to take the Cisco back to work and then I went home, did some shopping, picked up Anthony. Mr. C had free tickets to go and see a Cirqe de Soile show, Delirium, that was playing at the MGM. So Anthony and I went to see that. It was pretty cool. Anthony and I went to have lunch after that and then went to the mall. After I dropped him off at my mom's house I ran home, changed, grabed Cisco's shirt he was to wear and ran out the door to pick him up. We arrived at the Hard Rock just in time, the show hadn't started yet and I was stoked!!!

This band came out and they were awesome! I loved it! Their music sounded exactly like the Beatles themselves. They replicated every single sound that was on the album! I was so excited! I screamed like someone was coming to kill me! I sang to each and every song and danced for the last one, Twist and Shout. I had so much fun! After the concert we were able to look at the items that were up for auction. It was really neat to see John Lennon's work. I would have died to be able to buy one of his pieces. I particularly wanted to by the hand written lyrics to his songs. I would have loved to have Imagine or Woman. There were som many to choose from, but they ran about $1000 and up.

I totally envied the people that were walking out of there with pieces. There was this one couple that couldn't decide on which one they wanted. So they nearly bought both. I think they decided on the more expensive one. I hated them at that point.

But needless to say the weekend should have been spent on homework since I have about 4 test's or quizzes this week, but I didn't care. I don't care if I fail all 4 it was totally worth it, I wouldn't have traded it in for anything! I love my hunny for taking me. I know that we both had an awesome time.

I have always done something really awesome for Birthday's or Anniversary's or Valentines especially. But this was "supposedly" my Birthday present, so if it was now I have to totally out do him. I think I have the perfect plan for that.

~M

That Wasn't So Bad...

Well the first week has come to an end and the second one is starting tomorrow. It wasn't as bad as I thought that it would be. I am tired, that's for sure.

I thought that the class load would be horrible but it isn't. I have the coolest teachers and definately feel like I have gotten lucky in that perspective. I have a lot that is going on.

I have decided to under take a Halloween party for Anthony, Olivia and 10 of their closest friends. I think that it will be fun, so all weekend I have been shopping for Halloween stuff. I think this might be a yearly thing if it is successful. I am excited, I think that they are also.

Things are going well and I am excited. I don't have any complaints about life...I'm lovin' it!

~M

Here It Comes...

...Fall Semester at CCSN begins Monday!!! I'm excited...I always am. I am ready for new challenges and meeting new people. Those that know me know that I have had problems with anxiety when it comes to people I don't know. I look forward to the challenge of having to talk and associate with new people.

I have bought all of my school books for the fall semester and all I can say is...I quit! I know that I can handle all of the classes that I have registered for and even get good grades in them...I just have to have the motivation. But when I bought my books my tail became tucked between my legs from fear.

I was questioning myself as to what I got into with the class load and all, but I keep telling myself. It will be ok...it will fly by before I know it and I will be so proud of myself when I am finished.

Just to freshen up memory...I have 6 classes this fall.

The English books that I had to buy sent a shiver down my spine...it is a set of three (world literature from 1400's to 1900's) the pages of this book are similar to the bible. Rice paper. My eyes just about popped out of my head. I like to read and can comprehend and do it fast, but DAMN!!! Books that total 3,000 pages. I wonder how much I will enjoy reading when I finish with this class.

Well wish me luck and if you don't hear from me until December you will know why.

~M

Is It A Boy or Is It A Girl...

I feel the kicking in my abdomen...it feels like a little fish swimming around...then there is a kick and the wind is knocked out of me. What in the hell is going on???

Oh yeah I forgot that I just found out that I am pregnant.

I think I forgot to tell everyone that I know. Well I told the important people in my life: Cisco, Anthony and Olivia. Now I have to figure out how I am going to surprise my mom with the news because I know that she is going to be so happy that she isn't going to know what to do with herself. I think my dad will be disapointed again...I will have to put off school for a little while again. I know that he will have something to say about it. He was really happy for me when I told him that I would be graduating next summer and now this is going to delay the plans for who knows how long.

The possibility of me having another C-Section is almost for sure since I had one with Anthony. I can't wait till I find out what I am having next week. When that happens I am going to have one of my girlfriends take me to go and get registered at Babies R Us. I think that my friend Jackie is going to be very happy because she is a prego right now too and we will be prego together.

As I lay there rubbing the bump and humming a little tune Anthony walks into the living room and rubs my belly and says, "Oh look at the belly, look at the belly, I hope it is a boy, I want a little brother." I just laugh and think of how I would like a girl, but secretly wishing for a boy also.

Well I get up to go to the kitchen when all of a sudden something wet starts down my leg...

Whew....I woke up this morning and was happy that it was only a dream. It would have been nice to find out if it was a girl or a boy...well I better go to the bathroom now before something wet really does go down my leg :)

~M

I Miss My Little Love...

I miss my little guy. My soul hurts and I wish he was home with me so that I could tuck him in and smell his freshly washed hair. I miss him...

~M

It Was Only A Dream...

I haven't had many dreams lately that have made me angry, curious, or elated at the same time. A couple of nights ago I did though.

I was working at Mandalay Bay and Cisco was my boss again, I thought it would turn into a nightmare at this point, and he invited Anthony and I over to go for a swim and have a BBQ at his house. I was excited but there was only one bad thing...we weren't a couple officially, just on and off fun. I didn't know a whole lot about his life and what things were like outside of work, but I knew I liked him a lot and we were perfect for eachother. He gave the same impression back when speaking to me. I had never been to his house before so I needed directions. Anthony was about 10 and was excited about going swimming at someone's house.

We showed up and this house was huge. Kind of like a house that you would see back East or in the South. It had a big front yard with tons of green grass and tall Oak trees. The back yard had a pool and fruit trees lining the back fence and on the other side was a forest. I knocked on the door and Cisco answered the door. He gave me a kiss, held my hand and took me to the back yard. While I was walking through the house I was seeing all of these pictures of him and this woman and a baby. I had no idea who they were and it made me upset because this was a life and people that he had never told me anything about. I couldn't believe that I was falling for someone who already had a life with someone else. I couldn't believe that he was like that and I was instantly furious. I didn't say anything in fear of jumping to conclusions so I decided that I would wait for the right time to ask any questions of concern. I walked into the backyard and the people that I know as Olivia's Aunt's, Uncles, Grandmother and Cousin were there. They looked at me strangely and then stopped and fixed their gaze behind me. Someone touched my shoulder and said hello. It was Olivia's mom, and she was holding a baby. Whom I found out was Olivia. I was instantly confused and at this point knew that I was dreaming. I wanted out but at the same time I had to finish what was going on and I wanted to know what kind of explination Cisco was going to give his wife for me being there.

I said hello. Everyone was extremely nice and Anthony was having a good time playing with Olivia's cousin. I didn't want to make too many waves so I kept my mouth shut for the time being. Cisco introduced his wife and then introduced me as a person he worked with. He then continued to say that he had asked me to babysit Olivia while they had their BBQ. I could have strangled him and broke down into tears at the same time.

WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!

My thoughts were confusing me. But I didn't want to make her upset because she looked as if she needed rest. I think that she was sick in my dream and I instantly began to want to help her and watch Olivia so that she could go and lay down. I took Olivia from her arms with a warm smile and she returned it thanking me and went off to lay down for a nap. She kissed everyone good bye and went up the steps into the enormous house.

I held Olivia and fed her and watched Anthony play. It soon became night and there was no sign of Olivia's mom. I began to get worried, but I was the only one that did. Everyone else had a look on their face like they knew what was going on and they were coming to terms with it. I demanded to know what was going on and began to cry because I was confused. I loved this man that invited me over but was furious that he lied to me and betrayed her. He began to explain things to me and I became more at ease. I was still very sad but determined to take care of Olivia. It was hard for me to give her over to other people to hold because I was so determined of her being ok. I didn't know these people I knew they loved her but I was afraid they were going to take her away. Cisco played with Anthony and went swimming with him. He told him he loved him and gave him a hug. It seemed like life was going by very quickly. These people were comforatable with Anthony and I but I didn't know anything about them. But, Anthony was also very comforatable around them.

I woke up in the morning and I was elated that it was just a dream but it was scary due to how vivid it was. I was happy to be awake and I tried for several hours to get the dream out of my head. It worked until tonight since I can't sleep. Cisco was so busy telling me about his dream that I didn't have a chance to tell him about mine. I'm sure that he will come up with some reason why I had the dream...he does that all the time. I have found myself having dreams of Olivia's mom every once and a while. They are strange. In the dreams it is like we have met casually and then became good friends and she introduces me to Cisco and Olivia and then she always leaves without saying where she is going or why. But then our lives; Cisco, Olivia, Anthony and I, begin. I have never mentioned any dreams with Olivia's mom to Cisco. I guess I'm too afraid of the looks that I will get or I don't know something negative though.

I always wonder why I have these dreams whenever I do get them though.

~M

A Lonesome Week...

Well Anthony is out camping in Mammoth California with my parents and I miss him dearly. It's been a long time since I have let him go anywhere without me for so long. I'm not used to it.

I decided as a nice surprise I would paint his room and give it a total makeover. I painted it last night, lime green with blue polkadots. I bought curtains at Potterybarn that were on sale for only $10, if you can believe that and a couple of shelves and a mirror that has polkadot circles cut out so that you can put pictures there. I think that he will be suprised.

It hasn't been asked of me to move in but I haven't been told to look for a place in the near future either. The Cisco told me that he likes that fact that I am here, so here I will stay. I figured that if I am going to live here with my little family the least that I can do for my son is to make him feel like this is his house too and give his room a little bit of personality.

I think that he will like what I did to his room...it's a hell of a lot better than looking at blank walls all the time.

I am going to be painting Olivia's room too, but I think that all I will have to do is to clean it up she has all the stuff for her room already.

~M

I Did It...

Well I was really nervous about my Research Essay and well the results are in...I received an A-, 94 out of 100. I am so happy that I don't know what to do! I was so worried that I was going to get a bad grade. I am glad and proud of myself that I did very well. I can put another A in my pocket and this one I worked really hard for so I am happy!

~M

The Other Side of Things...

I find it best to air out the frustration that I have with my son's father and his family publicly instead of to their faces so here it goes...

My son's father has never really been in his life. The minute that I found out that I was pregnant with him the first question out of his mouth was, "how much is it going to cost?" I was totally baffled at the question that he asked. All I could think of is, "well a lot of money, I hear kids are pretty expensive these days..." When I asked him what he meant he was nice enough to inform me of his desire for me to get an abortion. Yeah, well that wasn't going to happen and I let him know. He wasn't too happy about it and continued to belittle me on the phone. I told him that he should inform his mother and he said no. Well a couple of weeks had gone by and I didn't hear anything from him and so I called him and asked if he had told his mother of what was going on and he said no. Well the next day I decided to call her and tell her of the situation. What was even worse than telling her was that when I was finished she said, "and who are you again?" I spent time with these people, so my only thought was that I was not the only one he was bringing around family. I had decided then and there that any future was impossible and never going to happen with this "boy".

Well needless to say about a year later when the conversation of child support came up he wanted to sign over his rights and have nothing to do with Anthony. I was totally crushed at hearing this. How was I going to explain to my son that his dad wanted no part in his life and make it sound good...well when the question would come up. Anthony's grandmother and I had begun a good relationship and talked a great deal and became close, so when this came up I told Anthony's father that I would be telling his mother of the recent news. I told her of what her son wished to do and also told her what that intailed. No more weekend visits, no more birthdays, nothing. She was devistated and furious at the news that her son wanted to kill the relationship with her first grandson. She would have no part of it, and so he called later that day and changed his mind.

Well now I am at the point where I wish that I would have followed through with it. Nothing has changed, his father is still never around. With the exception of keeping him out too late at the arcade every once and a while. The latest thing that I have asked of his father is to include Anthony on his health insurance plan at his work, so that Anthony can have double coverage incase I loose mine or he looses his. I have provided all the information needed so that he may do this. I called this past Friday to ask him about it, several months have passed, and he told me that he didn't know where his mom put the information and that I would have to provide it again. Well that isn't going to happen, Anthony has been getting credit card offers and I think it is because of the lost social security information I gave.

Anthony's grandmother has been calling to have him come and spend the weekend and I haven't called her back. I am so sick of the games that her son is playing that I have decided until he get's Anthony health insurance like he said he would Anthony is not going to be visiting. This particular grandmother likes to use intimidation when talking to me about Anthony and him visiting. She seems to forget that I hold the possession that she wants and by her bullying there is no way in hell I am going to be nice about anything. She always has an excuse for her son and I am quite tired of her trying to get in the middle of our business.

The only reason I have been letting Anthony go over to his grandparent's house is to visit them, now keep in mind his dad lives there, his so called father hardly ever takes him out to do anything. Oh and the other thing, his "father" has a girlfriend that has three kids...how is this good for my son? He knows what is going on. I feel so bad for him, but the one good thing is that the Cisco is the perfect dad. He is there for him and loves him. That is a good thing. I think that Anthony is begining to see that also. I don't have to say anything bad about is "father" because he is making himself look bad without any help from me. I love the Cisco for the love that he gives Anthony.

~M