Looking In...

So one of the big assignments that I have for my Communications 102 class is an essay on "Looking In" at ourselves. Which covers the material that we have learned so far. We have to write about our self concept and how we came to the conclusion of out self concept, who we thing has had an influance on it and all. I have been thinking very hard about this and I am afraid that the essay is going to be quite disturbing. I almost want to post it when I am finished with it. Now, I haven't even started it but I have begun searching deep inside of myself to think about the how's and why's of me and what has lead me to where I am and who has had the influances on me being where I am today.

I think what is extremely upsetting to me is that I have always been a daddy's girl.

But, unfortunately I think some of my worst "habits" or "traits" that I have is because of him. I know that he has always loved me and cared for me, but he was never the kind of dad that was real interested in showing affection. I know it is because of the way he was raised and the way his parents were, but I always thought that the goal of a parent was to not be like their parents when it came to the negative things.

Some of the things that I catch myself doing is just like what my dad would do. I don't spank Anthony anymore, I made myself stop doing that. Now, it only happened when it was strongly warrented. He always definately deserved it, but I began hating myself because of it. I couldn't believe that I would let myself become so angry at something that didn't have a huge impact on our way of life or the danger of another person. My dad was so fast to spank my brother and I for things that I look back on and think were stupid. Things that could have been solved by spending large amounts of time in my room or being grounded. I think I especially hated the excuses that I heard when I was given the spankings with the famous leather belt that he would snap when coming down the hallway to issue the capitol punishment. "It's because I am worried about you" or the other one that was my favorite was "This hurts me more than it hurts you". Yeah, those were the days.

I think one particular punishment will always stick and to this day my dad is saying he is sorry. I was 5 and we were at the grocery store. This was back in the day where we didn't have any money and my dad had two jobs. A family day was going to the grocery store or running errands after school on his day off. It was especially great because it was the one time where he was sober, in the morning. We were at the store and they had this display of candy. It Branch's kind where it was in the little wrappers. I think that my favorite was always the kind that was pink, white and brown. I think it even had little pieces of shredded coconut in it. Well we NEVER got candy when we were with my dad because we just couldn't afford it. The money was better spent on Milk and REAL food. Well I just needed a piece of candy. It was calling to me like in the movies where the beam of light shines only on the area of high interest is located and the music plays. That is exactly what happened to me. I decided if I grabbed the piece of candy, unwrapped it, shoved it in my mouth and chewed as fast as I could, while I was hiding behind the display, no one would know. Well my dad went looking for me and found me in mid chew with the wrapper in my hand. He grabbed me and scolded me in the store. With the wrapper still in my hand and the candy in my tummy we went to the check out stand to pay for our groceries. I was humiliated in line by my dad making be confess to the checkout lady that I "stole" a piece of candy and ate it. I handed her the wrapper and then had to pay for the penny candy. When we got home I received a severe beating with the belt.

My dad says that he is sorry to this day for that incident. He blames himself for me feeling the need to steal the candy because he couldn't afford it. I always tell him that it's ok and that it happened a long time ago but now that I think about it, when I go to the store and I pass by those bulk candy booths I see the candy that got me into so much trouble that day and I turn my head right away, like I will get into touble for looking at the candy in the bin. I don't think that I have had a piece of that candy since that day.

I know that my dad gave me many positive things also, but it is such a shame that it is the bad things that come to mind when assignments like this come along. I know that I am a good person and I have to also think of the good things that my dad has instilled into me. Determination and the will to finish what I start is one that I am quite proud of. Being able to look someone in the eye and tell the truth and even when having a conversation about nothing with someone I don't care for very much. I have the ability to make everyone feel special. I have a good firm handshake and I am able to sum people within 5 minutes of meeting them, a skill that I have had from a very young age.

My mom has had a great influance on me as well, but like my dad I think about the bad things when reflection comes around. I have sworn not to do a lot of the things that my mom has done and I have followed through with all of those so far. My mom used to take us grocery shopping and when we were done we would have to wait near the slot machines while she tried her luck with the left over grocery money. My brother and I would sit there for a long time waiting for her to finish. We were able to watch the milk spoil, that's how long it felt like we were there. I think back on some of the times that it was just me and her. We would be going to Sav-On for something and then she would be swooned by the ringing slot machines and bright lights that grabbed the attention of her addiction. I would sit on the pole and wait for a while and when she would hit something she would cash out and give me twenty bucks, "go look around the store" she would tell me. I now think about how easy it would have been for someone to take me. I was constantly wondering around the store just looking around. How could I spend my twenty bucks that I had just received? It was like treasure. I would find what I wanted. Perfume or pens, crayons and paper. I would go back to where my mom was. The change lady who worked there could never put her lipstick within the lines of her lips and she smelled heavily of smoke all the time and she would come up to me and tell me where I would have to stand behind the imaginary line in the tile. I would watch my mom perplexed at how she could look at the screen for so long and be so happy. All she was doing was pressing buttons and sitting down. When I would ask my mom when we were going to leave she would hand me another twenty. Well that helped keep me busy. We would be there for hours and as long as I had the money I was out of her hair for a little while longer. I remember her leaving us in the car while she said she had to run into the store for something real quick. She ran in once and parked in a red zone. She told me to sit in the drivers seat in case someone came by and then wave my hand like I was going to move. Well I was only 10 or 11 so what the hell was she talking about. Panic set in right away. Next thing I knew there was a security guy honking the horn of his car telling me to move. That was it PANIC!!! I started to cry. He came up to the window and asked me to move the car and all I could say is that I didn't know how to drive. My mom came out and he scolded her about me being in the drivers seat. I believe she then scolded me about not moving the car. Wow, was I pissed at her about that for a long time.

Well any how. I just always said that if I ever had to go somewhere I would never leave the kids in the car. Even if it was to run into 7-11. I always had that fear that my mom would never come back out of the store, because she would be gone for so long. I would never want Anthony or Olivia to feel that way...even though they beg me sometimes to leave them in the car while I do what I have to. They might think that I am mean for dragging them out of the car and making them walk, but oh well, I always feel better about myself for doing it.

I love my mom and dad. They aren't perfect, just like I know there will be things that Anthony will write about, but hopefully there won't be too many stories. Believe me I have thousands more!

The paper for Communications should be quite interesting.

~M

Blaa...Blaa...Blaa...

As far as I am concerned there has been nothing all that interesting going on with my life and frankly I am becoming quite bored. I think that it is time to stir some s@*#! I don't know what yet and I don't know if I actually will be doing that but it seems like a good idea none the less.

I came back recently from the one day trip from Pasadena/Glendale and had an awesome time. I have decided that all parties that involve my minority friends and family are always better than the boring and bland caucasian parties that I have attended in the past. I certainly hope that this weekend will be that one exception (I'm attending a wedding here in Vegas).

For some reason all the parties that I have been to, including parties like Prom and Homecoming, that involve my white friends are always so bland. No one really wants to get up and dance and have a good time. They are too busy sitting at the table talking about what another person is wearing and what time the thing is going to be over.

On the other hand the other side of my family and friends, who happen to be Mexican, know how to make a party fun. There is of course plenty of drinking associated with these festivities and many songs and dances to keep one busy. Also no one is afraid to be the only one on the dance floor. (I have found at caucasian parties no one wants to be the only one or the first one on the dance floor. They would rather sit at the table and do a f*@&ed up version of a dance that they really don't know how to do.)

I have come to the point in my life where I have finally realized that I don't get out too much, I don't go to clubs hardly at all, I will never get married, and I will never have another child. So that means that when I go out to have a good time I will not be concerned about who is looking at me or what they think. I could care less. The only opinion that is important to me is that of my "little family" I don't care about the rest. They can kiss my dancin' ass for all I care!

~M

Yet Another Trip...

Yes, I guess you can call it a family outing. I don't know when the last time was that we all got out of town together. I know it's been a long while. It's sad when it's hard for me to think of the last time.

A childhood friend is having his son baptized in Glendale, CA this Sunday. So, I am packing a day's worth of clothes and we are leaving around 7pm. I have to pick up the Cisco at work and then we are going to go from there.

I am waiting for Olivia to come home so that we can finish up and then go and pick him up. I think I am going to make sandwiches, fruit and some drinks and that will be the food for the road. Considering we will have to eat while driving. I don't feel like getting there at 1am because we had to eat at Coco's in Baker.

It should be nice though. We are staying in Pasadena. We will wake up early tomorrow and have breakfast and then walk around in Old Town. I swear besides Manhattan that is my favorite place.

Well I don't have homework that I know of besides reading Madame Bovary for English, but that isn't due until Thursday and since there is no English or Astronomy class on Tuesday it will be ok.

~M

The Petty Things...

I just read a blog that belongs to a friend of mine that I have known since the 7th grade and it really put some things into perspective for me. Not neccesarily for only myself but for those that are around me.

She just had a baby.

The baby is 15 weeks early and only weighs 1lb 3oz. It amazes me that the baby is able to survive right now, I guess she also said that the baby just had surgery. I don't know for what but the doctors were surprised the baby survived it. I hope that this baby makes it through ok without too many problems. She has three other kids but to loose any child would be devistating.

It hurts me to think of the things that she is going through right now. I whine about not getting any sleep because of school, but she isn't getting any sleep wondering if her baby is going to make it though the next hour.

I whine about not having Anthony for the weekend and having to share him with grandparents sometimes, but my friend isn't even able to touch her baby because of the dangers of him dying. I think now how lucky I am just to be able to hug and kiss Anthony when he is home. I don't know what I would do with myself if something happened to him and doctors told me that I couldn't hold him or touch him at all.

I don't talk to this friend as often as I wish that I could but I wish nothing for the best for her and her family.

I hope all turns out well in the end for everyone and I know that I will be praying for her and the little miracle that she has.

~M

Yeah Yeah I know I Should Have Been Doing Homework...

Well sure I know I should have been dilligently doing homework the past two days but I had bigger plans in the works.

The Cisco told me that he had a surprise for me a couple of weeks ago and on Friday the big day had arrived. He told me that he was taking me out but he didn't say where. On Friday morning I tried to get out of him what the surprise was and he had this look on his face that told me that the surpise was canceled. He was going to take me to the John Lennon art auction at the Hard Rock. Well the exhibit was only on Friday and Saturday, but the hours were from 11am to 7pm. He was not going to be able to get out of work until about 8:30 or 9:00 so the plans were messed up due to that.

So he told me to pick him up from work and we would still be going out because he had other plans, this call came later in the day. I was supposed to dress casual elegant. So my thought was that we were going to go to a show somewhere on the strip or to a club or something. I didn't know so it was nice.

I picked him up and we went to the Hard Rock. I couldn't figure out why we were going there because the exhibit was closed. He then told me that the Scorpions were playing a concert at the Joint and that we were going to go. I was instantly HORRIFIED!!! I had absoutely NO interest in going to see this band. But, he wanted to so I figured I better, "Stand by my man". He went to inquire about tickets and they were sold out for that night but had more for tomorrow. I was relieved, I told him we had to pick up the kids tomorrow so it would be impossible to go. Then we proceeded to leave. He then told me the real group that he wanted to get tickets for. It's Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band.

WTF!!! We are gonna go to that! I will make arrangements for tomorrow, I'm goin' to that! So we went back and got the tickets to go. I was so excited about going! I couldn't wait!

So on Saturday I had to take the Cisco back to work and then I went home, did some shopping, picked up Anthony. Mr. C had free tickets to go and see a Cirqe de Soile show, Delirium, that was playing at the MGM. So Anthony and I went to see that. It was pretty cool. Anthony and I went to have lunch after that and then went to the mall. After I dropped him off at my mom's house I ran home, changed, grabed Cisco's shirt he was to wear and ran out the door to pick him up. We arrived at the Hard Rock just in time, the show hadn't started yet and I was stoked!!!

This band came out and they were awesome! I loved it! Their music sounded exactly like the Beatles themselves. They replicated every single sound that was on the album! I was so excited! I screamed like someone was coming to kill me! I sang to each and every song and danced for the last one, Twist and Shout. I had so much fun! After the concert we were able to look at the items that were up for auction. It was really neat to see John Lennon's work. I would have died to be able to buy one of his pieces. I particularly wanted to by the hand written lyrics to his songs. I would have loved to have Imagine or Woman. There were som many to choose from, but they ran about $1000 and up.

I totally envied the people that were walking out of there with pieces. There was this one couple that couldn't decide on which one they wanted. So they nearly bought both. I think they decided on the more expensive one. I hated them at that point.

But needless to say the weekend should have been spent on homework since I have about 4 test's or quizzes this week, but I didn't care. I don't care if I fail all 4 it was totally worth it, I wouldn't have traded it in for anything! I love my hunny for taking me. I know that we both had an awesome time.

I have always done something really awesome for Birthday's or Anniversary's or Valentines especially. But this was "supposedly" my Birthday present, so if it was now I have to totally out do him. I think I have the perfect plan for that.

~M

That Wasn't So Bad...

Well the first week has come to an end and the second one is starting tomorrow. It wasn't as bad as I thought that it would be. I am tired, that's for sure.

I thought that the class load would be horrible but it isn't. I have the coolest teachers and definately feel like I have gotten lucky in that perspective. I have a lot that is going on.

I have decided to under take a Halloween party for Anthony, Olivia and 10 of their closest friends. I think that it will be fun, so all weekend I have been shopping for Halloween stuff. I think this might be a yearly thing if it is successful. I am excited, I think that they are also.

Things are going well and I am excited. I don't have any complaints about life...I'm lovin' it!

~M