I think that my thoughts are a little bit all over the place right now.
I found myself sitting on the couch lastnight organizing my CD case according to alphabetical order of artists. What in the hell?
I think that I am happy to be done with the first part of this semester but at the same time I find myself lost when I have no school work. I am used to keeping busy and when I am not, I find something to do. I think one of the more perfect excuses and examples was my inital thought of when I get home I am going to do nothing but sit on the couch and enjoy not having anything to do. Then as I got into the drive way my mind started racing as to what needed to get done.
Make dinner and feed the kids...
Clean up the kitchen...
Oh while I'm doing that I will clean all the counters....
Oh while I'm doing that I will clean the stove...
Oh while I'm doing that I will clean out the cabinet to make room for the kids' new lunch boxes...
Oh I might as well sweep and mop the floor (the mop part I didn't get to)...
I guess I will vacuum the living room...
I think I might dust the other living room while I am at it...
I might as well clean the guest bathroom since I'm down here....
Oh yeah and Anthony still needs help on his homework!
Well since Anthony refused to to the above mentioned item or atleast have me help him he was sent to bed an hour early. To his disaproval and I then could not finish the cleaning that I had embarked on. Instead I went to my car and got all my CD's. The Cisco was wondering what I was doing and just gave a thumbs up when I told him.
I cry about being in school and how much work I always have when I am there but now that I am out I am straining to find things to do to keep myself busy.
Oh and since I am here and I know that I should be doing it....work doesn't seem like a fun option at this point.
I am thinking too much about going out tonight with the Cisco and what might be planned. He hasn't told me anything with the exception of telling me that we are going out for dinner and then leaked the fact that we are staying the night somewhere. I don't know where though. I have some strange feeling that something else is in the works but I am not sure as to what it might be.
I don't think he has ever been able to really keep anything from me in the way of a surprise, so now it is my turn to be surprised about the whole thing. I am excited and I cannot really think about anything else but that.
Anthony is a little upset with me cause we had previously planned a date to go to the movies, it's becoming a tradition for us to spend Friday nights together doing something fun, and I had to break the date. I think that I will make it up to him on Saturday or something. I think that he would like that.
Well I better go and get some work done so that I can show that I did something today.
M
Friday, June 30, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
6 Years and Counting....
So it has been 6 years today.
Six years since the phone number switches....
Six years since the first embrace....
Six years since the first love making session....
Six years since the first conversations of value....
Six years since becoming a couple....
Six years since the first kiss.....
Six years since the tremendous feelings of anxiety....
Six years since the feeling of being....
Six years since the first kind words...
Six years since the first look of desire....
Six years since the first meeting of a very special child....
Six years since the feelings of "I hope it turns out the way I think it will"...
It's been six years today and all I can think about is how fast those years have gone by. It only feels like yesterday when I met Olivia for the first time and she came to me so easily and sat on my lap. I look back on it now and it is amazing to me of how much our kids have grown, together and towards eachother and us. They have different parents in many respects but they have been living with the ones who affect them everyday. I think that it is a very special thing and I am happy to be a part of it all. I can't wait until I can write another blog in another six years and look back then. It is exciting and nerve wrecking to think of what the future may hold, but as usual I have nothing but deep hope and good thoughts about it all.
I know that I have serious doubts about the relationship at times and still do, but I think that they will be worked out with time. I hope that the time isn't too long but hopefully that will be the case. I look forward to the future and what surprises that it may hold. I know that it will also bring dissapointments and sadness at times but such is life. It would be boring without some of the ups and downs.
I love my hunny and I love my hunny's.
~M
Six years since the phone number switches....
Six years since the first embrace....
Six years since the first love making session....
Six years since the first conversations of value....
Six years since becoming a couple....
Six years since the first kiss.....
Six years since the tremendous feelings of anxiety....
Six years since the feeling of being....
Six years since the first kind words...
Six years since the first look of desire....
Six years since the first meeting of a very special child....
Six years since the feelings of "I hope it turns out the way I think it will"...
It's been six years today and all I can think about is how fast those years have gone by. It only feels like yesterday when I met Olivia for the first time and she came to me so easily and sat on my lap. I look back on it now and it is amazing to me of how much our kids have grown, together and towards eachother and us. They have different parents in many respects but they have been living with the ones who affect them everyday. I think that it is a very special thing and I am happy to be a part of it all. I can't wait until I can write another blog in another six years and look back then. It is exciting and nerve wrecking to think of what the future may hold, but as usual I have nothing but deep hope and good thoughts about it all.
I know that I have serious doubts about the relationship at times and still do, but I think that they will be worked out with time. I hope that the time isn't too long but hopefully that will be the case. I look forward to the future and what surprises that it may hold. I know that it will also bring dissapointments and sadness at times but such is life. It would be boring without some of the ups and downs.
I love my hunny and I love my hunny's.
~M
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Insomnia
I don't know what my problem is but for the last couple of weeks I have been unable to go to sleep at night. Usually the television needs to be on and while hugging two pillows I drift off into a comforatable sleep. However, this has not been happening lately. I either go onto My Space and write in my blog, cause people actually read them on there, or I go and play Literati on Yahoo.
It's driving me nuts, especially with school and work, I wake up totally exhausted and drained. I don't know what to do about it any more. I thought about taking some sleeping pills but I know that isn't a good idea.
School. That is the only explination for it all. I think since I go four days a week and for three and a half hours each day all of the stuff that I learn is just revolving around in my head. I guess it is good, but then I start to think about it all too much and can't sleep. I don't know. I think it will go away soon, but I doubt it. With another 4 week intensive class coming up it will continue for a while.
I am going on a much needed camping trip this weekend. I've needed to get away from work for a while and just focus on me and especially my relationship with the Cisco. I think things have seemed a little rocky for him for the last couple of weeks. My biggest suspision is that he has been reading my blog. I don't know where else he would get the idea. I have been seeing a lot of friends that I went to high school with lately, but just for a casual lunch here and there nothing serious. Just catching up on how life has been. I think that is what has him convinced at times that I am getting ready to leave. One friend that I told our recent conversation to was glad. She seems to think this is the kind of wake up call that he needs to see how much I am and mean to him.
I guess. I still think that it is hard for anyone to give any kind of suggestions for this relationship. It is quite unique in it's own sick and twisted ways. As always I know things will work out for better or for worse. I think it makes me kind of happy to see that he is showing some emotion about it all. I don't think I have ever seen him too concerned about our relationship. Usually it has always been me asking, "Are you alright", "Is everything ok?" but now it is him and with the way my life has been going lately with school and work it seems that I get quite aggrivated at the fact of him feeling unsure, especially when he knows how I feel about things.
I am glad that we did talk the other day, I think it has helped things. But I only think that it will help things if he doesn't forget about the conversation and takes into serious consiteration what I said to him. If he chooses not to then he is leaving our future together in his own hands. I have found that I don't want to break down and cry anymore when I think of us splitting up. I get more angry about it. Due to the fact that I put him mainly to blame if it were to happen. I think his views on some issues and the way he has treated me in the past has poisoned some aspects of our relationship. I endured a great deal during the first few years of our relationship that I can guarantee no other woman has.
I have been understanding and patient with this man and sometimes I feel as if he has never noticed any of it. I have put many things in my own life on hold or pushed them aside so that I may nurture our own relationship and put effort into our relationship. I do not feel that he has done any of that with the exception of the past maybe two or three years.
I am glad that he is starting to feel different about things and is seeing me in a different light. I hope that it continues and he keeps growing in that regard, but I try not to get my hopes up too high just in case he decides to ignore his feelings again.
I love him to death, but in some ways enough is enough. A great deal of the issues from before are starting to surface again and I am re-evaluating them, trying to be ok with the non-marrage issue. I did tell him that would only work if other things changed. I hope he took seriously what I said. I think he did, atleast it sounded as though he did.
Well I think I went on yapping for long enough, I'm still not tired so that means it's Literati time.
~M
It's driving me nuts, especially with school and work, I wake up totally exhausted and drained. I don't know what to do about it any more. I thought about taking some sleeping pills but I know that isn't a good idea.
School. That is the only explination for it all. I think since I go four days a week and for three and a half hours each day all of the stuff that I learn is just revolving around in my head. I guess it is good, but then I start to think about it all too much and can't sleep. I don't know. I think it will go away soon, but I doubt it. With another 4 week intensive class coming up it will continue for a while.
I am going on a much needed camping trip this weekend. I've needed to get away from work for a while and just focus on me and especially my relationship with the Cisco. I think things have seemed a little rocky for him for the last couple of weeks. My biggest suspision is that he has been reading my blog. I don't know where else he would get the idea. I have been seeing a lot of friends that I went to high school with lately, but just for a casual lunch here and there nothing serious. Just catching up on how life has been. I think that is what has him convinced at times that I am getting ready to leave. One friend that I told our recent conversation to was glad. She seems to think this is the kind of wake up call that he needs to see how much I am and mean to him.
I guess. I still think that it is hard for anyone to give any kind of suggestions for this relationship. It is quite unique in it's own sick and twisted ways. As always I know things will work out for better or for worse. I think it makes me kind of happy to see that he is showing some emotion about it all. I don't think I have ever seen him too concerned about our relationship. Usually it has always been me asking, "Are you alright", "Is everything ok?" but now it is him and with the way my life has been going lately with school and work it seems that I get quite aggrivated at the fact of him feeling unsure, especially when he knows how I feel about things.
I am glad that we did talk the other day, I think it has helped things. But I only think that it will help things if he doesn't forget about the conversation and takes into serious consiteration what I said to him. If he chooses not to then he is leaving our future together in his own hands. I have found that I don't want to break down and cry anymore when I think of us splitting up. I get more angry about it. Due to the fact that I put him mainly to blame if it were to happen. I think his views on some issues and the way he has treated me in the past has poisoned some aspects of our relationship. I endured a great deal during the first few years of our relationship that I can guarantee no other woman has.
I have been understanding and patient with this man and sometimes I feel as if he has never noticed any of it. I have put many things in my own life on hold or pushed them aside so that I may nurture our own relationship and put effort into our relationship. I do not feel that he has done any of that with the exception of the past maybe two or three years.
I am glad that he is starting to feel different about things and is seeing me in a different light. I hope that it continues and he keeps growing in that regard, but I try not to get my hopes up too high just in case he decides to ignore his feelings again.
I love him to death, but in some ways enough is enough. A great deal of the issues from before are starting to surface again and I am re-evaluating them, trying to be ok with the non-marrage issue. I did tell him that would only work if other things changed. I hope he took seriously what I said. I think he did, atleast it sounded as though he did.
Well I think I went on yapping for long enough, I'm still not tired so that means it's Literati time.
~M
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
For My One And Only...
Anthony,
In this insomnia state that I am in now I think of the things that make me smile about you but also make me sad to the fact that you are indeed growing up and it will only be a few more years that you will be only mine.
I think what made me think of the whole topic at all was that I couldn't sleep and the fact that I have been apart from you quite a bit lately with school and work. It kills me to think of the time that I am not spending with you so that I may go to school, but then I think of all the opportunities that we will have as a family later on down the road. I think it will be a great success when I finish with I what I have started and both you and I can be proud. I wish that I could cut time out of work or not work at all so that I may let you have and do all the things that your heart wishes. I think that I accomplish a great deal of it even if it is only on weekends.
I laughed in bed a minute ago and woke Cisco up because I was thinking of you with that TOOTH and you holding Hubble and pretending he can fly. Then I was wondering how much longer you would have such an imagination and a heart for the impossible. I don't think more than 3 and if I am lucky 4 years. I can quite honestly say that I did not think that you would grow up to be the young man that you are so quickly. I fondly think of the times when you were a baby and all I got to do for a whole day was hold you and feed you and make you laugh. I miss those days but I am also thankful for the days that I have now. You can do things for yourself and talk to me and let me know how you feel and how things make you feel. I get learn who you are as your own individual and not one that I have molded completely. I know that I have had something to do with it but some of it is left up to you to decide.
You choose who your friends are and who you are as a person in the long run. I just hope sometimes that I taught you right from wrong and good from evil. I hope that you will learn from my mistakes and take heed to the warnings that I have given you.
I love the way you laugh and the way that you talk right now. I know a lot of it comes from school, friends and maybe even TV or movies, but it is still cute all the same and I think it is because of the innocence that is related to it all. I love your new phrase, "Mommy, you just had to wake me from my beauty sleep didn't you?" And the look that goes with it. Like I committed some horrible insult to you. A "How dare you" kind of look. I think it is so adorable right now.
I know the years are fast approaching where waking you up for school will be nothing but a true nightmare. I remember the days when my mom tried to wake me up and now all I have to say is,"Sorry mom".
You hold me tightly and won't let go, you kiss me sweet little Anthony kisses, you tell me you love me more than the world and you tell me never to go away. I love you for all that and even now it makes me want to cry. Because I know the mean words will come from your teenage lips and all I will think of is the innocence that is deep down inside. The days of I love you's and a million kisses. The pictures made from school and the poems that go with them.
I don't want to let go of the Anthony I know. The crossed arms of anger, the schmegal inside. The playful boy that never wants to get ready for school. The one that I have to fight with to finish homework now and again. The little person that I once had inside of me that is now growing up thinking his own thoughts and making his own mark.
I have nothing but sweet wishes for you and dear thoughts of you. I don't ever want you to grow up but I am now faced with the reality of it HAVING to happen regardless of how much I wish for it to go away or for time to freeze where it is. I can't do anything but take a picture of you in my heart and memory and remember the moments that make me cry now, smile now and laugh now so that I can do the same when you are older when you have your kids and you have gone your own path. Hopefully you will remember too when we were just we.
I love you forever, I'll never let go of that small little something that I held long ago.
M
In this insomnia state that I am in now I think of the things that make me smile about you but also make me sad to the fact that you are indeed growing up and it will only be a few more years that you will be only mine.
I think what made me think of the whole topic at all was that I couldn't sleep and the fact that I have been apart from you quite a bit lately with school and work. It kills me to think of the time that I am not spending with you so that I may go to school, but then I think of all the opportunities that we will have as a family later on down the road. I think it will be a great success when I finish with I what I have started and both you and I can be proud. I wish that I could cut time out of work or not work at all so that I may let you have and do all the things that your heart wishes. I think that I accomplish a great deal of it even if it is only on weekends.
I laughed in bed a minute ago and woke Cisco up because I was thinking of you with that TOOTH and you holding Hubble and pretending he can fly. Then I was wondering how much longer you would have such an imagination and a heart for the impossible. I don't think more than 3 and if I am lucky 4 years. I can quite honestly say that I did not think that you would grow up to be the young man that you are so quickly. I fondly think of the times when you were a baby and all I got to do for a whole day was hold you and feed you and make you laugh. I miss those days but I am also thankful for the days that I have now. You can do things for yourself and talk to me and let me know how you feel and how things make you feel. I get learn who you are as your own individual and not one that I have molded completely. I know that I have had something to do with it but some of it is left up to you to decide.
You choose who your friends are and who you are as a person in the long run. I just hope sometimes that I taught you right from wrong and good from evil. I hope that you will learn from my mistakes and take heed to the warnings that I have given you.
I love the way you laugh and the way that you talk right now. I know a lot of it comes from school, friends and maybe even TV or movies, but it is still cute all the same and I think it is because of the innocence that is related to it all. I love your new phrase, "Mommy, you just had to wake me from my beauty sleep didn't you?" And the look that goes with it. Like I committed some horrible insult to you. A "How dare you" kind of look. I think it is so adorable right now.
I know the years are fast approaching where waking you up for school will be nothing but a true nightmare. I remember the days when my mom tried to wake me up and now all I have to say is,"Sorry mom".
You hold me tightly and won't let go, you kiss me sweet little Anthony kisses, you tell me you love me more than the world and you tell me never to go away. I love you for all that and even now it makes me want to cry. Because I know the mean words will come from your teenage lips and all I will think of is the innocence that is deep down inside. The days of I love you's and a million kisses. The pictures made from school and the poems that go with them.
I don't want to let go of the Anthony I know. The crossed arms of anger, the schmegal inside. The playful boy that never wants to get ready for school. The one that I have to fight with to finish homework now and again. The little person that I once had inside of me that is now growing up thinking his own thoughts and making his own mark.
I have nothing but sweet wishes for you and dear thoughts of you. I don't ever want you to grow up but I am now faced with the reality of it HAVING to happen regardless of how much I wish for it to go away or for time to freeze where it is. I can't do anything but take a picture of you in my heart and memory and remember the moments that make me cry now, smile now and laugh now so that I can do the same when you are older when you have your kids and you have gone your own path. Hopefully you will remember too when we were just we.
I love you forever, I'll never let go of that small little something that I held long ago.
M
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Recap on Life for Now...
So there has been a lot going on since I have written last, however nothing too thrilling either.
Olivia was recently on Fiddler on the Roof with her church and also had her ballet recital. She did so well in both of those I was so proud of her. She also celebrated her 8th birthday! I can't believe it! Both Anthony and her have grown so much so fast. I am getting to think that I don't know what to do with myself.
Cisco and I have been doing well since the last time I have written. I am holding off on leaving for a little while until I figure out what I really want and can set it in stone without putting forth empty threats. That leads to nothing but trouble and I know what I am talking about. He had his birthday too! He is soooo old now.
It has been really hard keeping up on this because I have recently discovered myspace and I have been blogging on there. It seems that no one reads them here and it is nice for some feed back sometimes and that is something that I have not encountered on here as of yet. I know that some people are more popular than others and the world of blogging is no exception. It's ok though my feelings are not hurt too much.
I have been going to school and being extremely busy with that though and I am glad for it. I think summer school will kill me but better now than never. Speaking of school it is time to go.
I will keep in better touch I promise.
M
Olivia was recently on Fiddler on the Roof with her church and also had her ballet recital. She did so well in both of those I was so proud of her. She also celebrated her 8th birthday! I can't believe it! Both Anthony and her have grown so much so fast. I am getting to think that I don't know what to do with myself.
Cisco and I have been doing well since the last time I have written. I am holding off on leaving for a little while until I figure out what I really want and can set it in stone without putting forth empty threats. That leads to nothing but trouble and I know what I am talking about. He had his birthday too! He is soooo old now.
It has been really hard keeping up on this because I have recently discovered myspace and I have been blogging on there. It seems that no one reads them here and it is nice for some feed back sometimes and that is something that I have not encountered on here as of yet. I know that some people are more popular than others and the world of blogging is no exception. It's ok though my feelings are not hurt too much.
I have been going to school and being extremely busy with that though and I am glad for it. I think summer school will kill me but better now than never. Speaking of school it is time to go.
I will keep in better touch I promise.
M
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