...Fall Semester at CCSN begins Monday!!! I'm excited...I always am. I am ready for new challenges and meeting new people. Those that know me know that I have had problems with anxiety when it comes to people I don't know. I look forward to the challenge of having to talk and associate with new people.
I have bought all of my school books for the fall semester and all I can say is...I quit! I know that I can handle all of the classes that I have registered for and even get good grades in them...I just have to have the motivation. But when I bought my books my tail became tucked between my legs from fear.
I was questioning myself as to what I got into with the class load and all, but I keep telling myself. It will be ok...it will fly by before I know it and I will be so proud of myself when I am finished.
Just to freshen up memory...I have 6 classes this fall.
The English books that I had to buy sent a shiver down my spine...it is a set of three (world literature from 1400's to 1900's) the pages of this book are similar to the bible. Rice paper. My eyes just about popped out of my head. I like to read and can comprehend and do it fast, but DAMN!!! Books that total 3,000 pages. I wonder how much I will enjoy reading when I finish with this class.
Well wish me luck and if you don't hear from me until December you will know why.
~M
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Is It A Boy or Is It A Girl...
I feel the kicking in my abdomen...it feels like a little fish swimming around...then there is a kick and the wind is knocked out of me. What in the hell is going on???
Oh yeah I forgot that I just found out that I am pregnant.
I think I forgot to tell everyone that I know. Well I told the important people in my life: Cisco, Anthony and Olivia. Now I have to figure out how I am going to surprise my mom with the news because I know that she is going to be so happy that she isn't going to know what to do with herself. I think my dad will be disapointed again...I will have to put off school for a little while again. I know that he will have something to say about it. He was really happy for me when I told him that I would be graduating next summer and now this is going to delay the plans for who knows how long.
The possibility of me having another C-Section is almost for sure since I had one with Anthony. I can't wait till I find out what I am having next week. When that happens I am going to have one of my girlfriends take me to go and get registered at Babies R Us. I think that my friend Jackie is going to be very happy because she is a prego right now too and we will be prego together.
As I lay there rubbing the bump and humming a little tune Anthony walks into the living room and rubs my belly and says, "Oh look at the belly, look at the belly, I hope it is a boy, I want a little brother." I just laugh and think of how I would like a girl, but secretly wishing for a boy also.
Well I get up to go to the kitchen when all of a sudden something wet starts down my leg...
Whew....I woke up this morning and was happy that it was only a dream. It would have been nice to find out if it was a girl or a boy...well I better go to the bathroom now before something wet really does go down my leg :)
~M
Oh yeah I forgot that I just found out that I am pregnant.
I think I forgot to tell everyone that I know. Well I told the important people in my life: Cisco, Anthony and Olivia. Now I have to figure out how I am going to surprise my mom with the news because I know that she is going to be so happy that she isn't going to know what to do with herself. I think my dad will be disapointed again...I will have to put off school for a little while again. I know that he will have something to say about it. He was really happy for me when I told him that I would be graduating next summer and now this is going to delay the plans for who knows how long.
The possibility of me having another C-Section is almost for sure since I had one with Anthony. I can't wait till I find out what I am having next week. When that happens I am going to have one of my girlfriends take me to go and get registered at Babies R Us. I think that my friend Jackie is going to be very happy because she is a prego right now too and we will be prego together.
As I lay there rubbing the bump and humming a little tune Anthony walks into the living room and rubs my belly and says, "Oh look at the belly, look at the belly, I hope it is a boy, I want a little brother." I just laugh and think of how I would like a girl, but secretly wishing for a boy also.
Well I get up to go to the kitchen when all of a sudden something wet starts down my leg...
Whew....I woke up this morning and was happy that it was only a dream. It would have been nice to find out if it was a girl or a boy...well I better go to the bathroom now before something wet really does go down my leg :)
~M
Monday, August 14, 2006
I Miss My Little Love...
I miss my little guy. My soul hurts and I wish he was home with me so that I could tuck him in and smell his freshly washed hair. I miss him...
~M
It Was Only A Dream...
I haven't had many dreams lately that have made me angry, curious, or elated at the same time. A couple of nights ago I did though.
I was working at Mandalay Bay and Cisco was my boss again, I thought it would turn into a nightmare at this point, and he invited Anthony and I over to go for a swim and have a BBQ at his house. I was excited but there was only one bad thing...we weren't a couple officially, just on and off fun. I didn't know a whole lot about his life and what things were like outside of work, but I knew I liked him a lot and we were perfect for eachother. He gave the same impression back when speaking to me. I had never been to his house before so I needed directions. Anthony was about 10 and was excited about going swimming at someone's house.
We showed up and this house was huge. Kind of like a house that you would see back East or in the South. It had a big front yard with tons of green grass and tall Oak trees. The back yard had a pool and fruit trees lining the back fence and on the other side was a forest. I knocked on the door and Cisco answered the door. He gave me a kiss, held my hand and took me to the back yard. While I was walking through the house I was seeing all of these pictures of him and this woman and a baby. I had no idea who they were and it made me upset because this was a life and people that he had never told me anything about. I couldn't believe that I was falling for someone who already had a life with someone else. I couldn't believe that he was like that and I was instantly furious. I didn't say anything in fear of jumping to conclusions so I decided that I would wait for the right time to ask any questions of concern. I walked into the backyard and the people that I know as Olivia's Aunt's, Uncles, Grandmother and Cousin were there. They looked at me strangely and then stopped and fixed their gaze behind me. Someone touched my shoulder and said hello. It was Olivia's mom, and she was holding a baby. Whom I found out was Olivia. I was instantly confused and at this point knew that I was dreaming. I wanted out but at the same time I had to finish what was going on and I wanted to know what kind of explination Cisco was going to give his wife for me being there.
I said hello. Everyone was extremely nice and Anthony was having a good time playing with Olivia's cousin. I didn't want to make too many waves so I kept my mouth shut for the time being. Cisco introduced his wife and then introduced me as a person he worked with. He then continued to say that he had asked me to babysit Olivia while they had their BBQ. I could have strangled him and broke down into tears at the same time.
WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!
My thoughts were confusing me. But I didn't want to make her upset because she looked as if she needed rest. I think that she was sick in my dream and I instantly began to want to help her and watch Olivia so that she could go and lay down. I took Olivia from her arms with a warm smile and she returned it thanking me and went off to lay down for a nap. She kissed everyone good bye and went up the steps into the enormous house.
I held Olivia and fed her and watched Anthony play. It soon became night and there was no sign of Olivia's mom. I began to get worried, but I was the only one that did. Everyone else had a look on their face like they knew what was going on and they were coming to terms with it. I demanded to know what was going on and began to cry because I was confused. I loved this man that invited me over but was furious that he lied to me and betrayed her. He began to explain things to me and I became more at ease. I was still very sad but determined to take care of Olivia. It was hard for me to give her over to other people to hold because I was so determined of her being ok. I didn't know these people I knew they loved her but I was afraid they were going to take her away. Cisco played with Anthony and went swimming with him. He told him he loved him and gave him a hug. It seemed like life was going by very quickly. These people were comforatable with Anthony and I but I didn't know anything about them. But, Anthony was also very comforatable around them.
I woke up in the morning and I was elated that it was just a dream but it was scary due to how vivid it was. I was happy to be awake and I tried for several hours to get the dream out of my head. It worked until tonight since I can't sleep. Cisco was so busy telling me about his dream that I didn't have a chance to tell him about mine. I'm sure that he will come up with some reason why I had the dream...he does that all the time. I have found myself having dreams of Olivia's mom every once and a while. They are strange. In the dreams it is like we have met casually and then became good friends and she introduces me to Cisco and Olivia and then she always leaves without saying where she is going or why. But then our lives; Cisco, Olivia, Anthony and I, begin. I have never mentioned any dreams with Olivia's mom to Cisco. I guess I'm too afraid of the looks that I will get or I don't know something negative though.
I always wonder why I have these dreams whenever I do get them though.
~M
I was working at Mandalay Bay and Cisco was my boss again, I thought it would turn into a nightmare at this point, and he invited Anthony and I over to go for a swim and have a BBQ at his house. I was excited but there was only one bad thing...we weren't a couple officially, just on and off fun. I didn't know a whole lot about his life and what things were like outside of work, but I knew I liked him a lot and we were perfect for eachother. He gave the same impression back when speaking to me. I had never been to his house before so I needed directions. Anthony was about 10 and was excited about going swimming at someone's house.
We showed up and this house was huge. Kind of like a house that you would see back East or in the South. It had a big front yard with tons of green grass and tall Oak trees. The back yard had a pool and fruit trees lining the back fence and on the other side was a forest. I knocked on the door and Cisco answered the door. He gave me a kiss, held my hand and took me to the back yard. While I was walking through the house I was seeing all of these pictures of him and this woman and a baby. I had no idea who they were and it made me upset because this was a life and people that he had never told me anything about. I couldn't believe that I was falling for someone who already had a life with someone else. I couldn't believe that he was like that and I was instantly furious. I didn't say anything in fear of jumping to conclusions so I decided that I would wait for the right time to ask any questions of concern. I walked into the backyard and the people that I know as Olivia's Aunt's, Uncles, Grandmother and Cousin were there. They looked at me strangely and then stopped and fixed their gaze behind me. Someone touched my shoulder and said hello. It was Olivia's mom, and she was holding a baby. Whom I found out was Olivia. I was instantly confused and at this point knew that I was dreaming. I wanted out but at the same time I had to finish what was going on and I wanted to know what kind of explination Cisco was going to give his wife for me being there.
I said hello. Everyone was extremely nice and Anthony was having a good time playing with Olivia's cousin. I didn't want to make too many waves so I kept my mouth shut for the time being. Cisco introduced his wife and then introduced me as a person he worked with. He then continued to say that he had asked me to babysit Olivia while they had their BBQ. I could have strangled him and broke down into tears at the same time.
WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!
My thoughts were confusing me. But I didn't want to make her upset because she looked as if she needed rest. I think that she was sick in my dream and I instantly began to want to help her and watch Olivia so that she could go and lay down. I took Olivia from her arms with a warm smile and she returned it thanking me and went off to lay down for a nap. She kissed everyone good bye and went up the steps into the enormous house.
I held Olivia and fed her and watched Anthony play. It soon became night and there was no sign of Olivia's mom. I began to get worried, but I was the only one that did. Everyone else had a look on their face like they knew what was going on and they were coming to terms with it. I demanded to know what was going on and began to cry because I was confused. I loved this man that invited me over but was furious that he lied to me and betrayed her. He began to explain things to me and I became more at ease. I was still very sad but determined to take care of Olivia. It was hard for me to give her over to other people to hold because I was so determined of her being ok. I didn't know these people I knew they loved her but I was afraid they were going to take her away. Cisco played with Anthony and went swimming with him. He told him he loved him and gave him a hug. It seemed like life was going by very quickly. These people were comforatable with Anthony and I but I didn't know anything about them. But, Anthony was also very comforatable around them.
I woke up in the morning and I was elated that it was just a dream but it was scary due to how vivid it was. I was happy to be awake and I tried for several hours to get the dream out of my head. It worked until tonight since I can't sleep. Cisco was so busy telling me about his dream that I didn't have a chance to tell him about mine. I'm sure that he will come up with some reason why I had the dream...he does that all the time. I have found myself having dreams of Olivia's mom every once and a while. They are strange. In the dreams it is like we have met casually and then became good friends and she introduces me to Cisco and Olivia and then she always leaves without saying where she is going or why. But then our lives; Cisco, Olivia, Anthony and I, begin. I have never mentioned any dreams with Olivia's mom to Cisco. I guess I'm too afraid of the looks that I will get or I don't know something negative though.
I always wonder why I have these dreams whenever I do get them though.
~M
Saturday, August 12, 2006
A Lonesome Week...
Well Anthony is out camping in Mammoth California with my parents and I miss him dearly. It's been a long time since I have let him go anywhere without me for so long. I'm not used to it.
I decided as a nice surprise I would paint his room and give it a total makeover. I painted it last night, lime green with blue polkadots. I bought curtains at Potterybarn that were on sale for only $10, if you can believe that and a couple of shelves and a mirror that has polkadot circles cut out so that you can put pictures there. I think that he will be suprised.
It hasn't been asked of me to move in but I haven't been told to look for a place in the near future either. The Cisco told me that he likes that fact that I am here, so here I will stay. I figured that if I am going to live here with my little family the least that I can do for my son is to make him feel like this is his house too and give his room a little bit of personality.
I think that he will like what I did to his room...it's a hell of a lot better than looking at blank walls all the time.
I am going to be painting Olivia's room too, but I think that all I will have to do is to clean it up she has all the stuff for her room already.
~M
I decided as a nice surprise I would paint his room and give it a total makeover. I painted it last night, lime green with blue polkadots. I bought curtains at Potterybarn that were on sale for only $10, if you can believe that and a couple of shelves and a mirror that has polkadot circles cut out so that you can put pictures there. I think that he will be suprised.
It hasn't been asked of me to move in but I haven't been told to look for a place in the near future either. The Cisco told me that he likes that fact that I am here, so here I will stay. I figured that if I am going to live here with my little family the least that I can do for my son is to make him feel like this is his house too and give his room a little bit of personality.
I think that he will like what I did to his room...it's a hell of a lot better than looking at blank walls all the time.
I am going to be painting Olivia's room too, but I think that all I will have to do is to clean it up she has all the stuff for her room already.
~M
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I Did It...
Well I was really nervous about my Research Essay and well the results are in...I received an A-, 94 out of 100. I am so happy that I don't know what to do! I was so worried that I was going to get a bad grade. I am glad and proud of myself that I did very well. I can put another A in my pocket and this one I worked really hard for so I am happy!
~M
~M
Monday, August 07, 2006
The Other Side of Things...
I find it best to air out the frustration that I have with my son's father and his family publicly instead of to their faces so here it goes...
My son's father has never really been in his life. The minute that I found out that I was pregnant with him the first question out of his mouth was, "how much is it going to cost?" I was totally baffled at the question that he asked. All I could think of is, "well a lot of money, I hear kids are pretty expensive these days..." When I asked him what he meant he was nice enough to inform me of his desire for me to get an abortion. Yeah, well that wasn't going to happen and I let him know. He wasn't too happy about it and continued to belittle me on the phone. I told him that he should inform his mother and he said no. Well a couple of weeks had gone by and I didn't hear anything from him and so I called him and asked if he had told his mother of what was going on and he said no. Well the next day I decided to call her and tell her of the situation. What was even worse than telling her was that when I was finished she said, "and who are you again?" I spent time with these people, so my only thought was that I was not the only one he was bringing around family. I had decided then and there that any future was impossible and never going to happen with this "boy".
Well needless to say about a year later when the conversation of child support came up he wanted to sign over his rights and have nothing to do with Anthony. I was totally crushed at hearing this. How was I going to explain to my son that his dad wanted no part in his life and make it sound good...well when the question would come up. Anthony's grandmother and I had begun a good relationship and talked a great deal and became close, so when this came up I told Anthony's father that I would be telling his mother of the recent news. I told her of what her son wished to do and also told her what that intailed. No more weekend visits, no more birthdays, nothing. She was devistated and furious at the news that her son wanted to kill the relationship with her first grandson. She would have no part of it, and so he called later that day and changed his mind.
Well now I am at the point where I wish that I would have followed through with it. Nothing has changed, his father is still never around. With the exception of keeping him out too late at the arcade every once and a while. The latest thing that I have asked of his father is to include Anthony on his health insurance plan at his work, so that Anthony can have double coverage incase I loose mine or he looses his. I have provided all the information needed so that he may do this. I called this past Friday to ask him about it, several months have passed, and he told me that he didn't know where his mom put the information and that I would have to provide it again. Well that isn't going to happen, Anthony has been getting credit card offers and I think it is because of the lost social security information I gave.
Anthony's grandmother has been calling to have him come and spend the weekend and I haven't called her back. I am so sick of the games that her son is playing that I have decided until he get's Anthony health insurance like he said he would Anthony is not going to be visiting. This particular grandmother likes to use intimidation when talking to me about Anthony and him visiting. She seems to forget that I hold the possession that she wants and by her bullying there is no way in hell I am going to be nice about anything. She always has an excuse for her son and I am quite tired of her trying to get in the middle of our business.
The only reason I have been letting Anthony go over to his grandparent's house is to visit them, now keep in mind his dad lives there, his so called father hardly ever takes him out to do anything. Oh and the other thing, his "father" has a girlfriend that has three kids...how is this good for my son? He knows what is going on. I feel so bad for him, but the one good thing is that the Cisco is the perfect dad. He is there for him and loves him. That is a good thing. I think that Anthony is begining to see that also. I don't have to say anything bad about is "father" because he is making himself look bad without any help from me. I love the Cisco for the love that he gives Anthony.
~M
My son's father has never really been in his life. The minute that I found out that I was pregnant with him the first question out of his mouth was, "how much is it going to cost?" I was totally baffled at the question that he asked. All I could think of is, "well a lot of money, I hear kids are pretty expensive these days..." When I asked him what he meant he was nice enough to inform me of his desire for me to get an abortion. Yeah, well that wasn't going to happen and I let him know. He wasn't too happy about it and continued to belittle me on the phone. I told him that he should inform his mother and he said no. Well a couple of weeks had gone by and I didn't hear anything from him and so I called him and asked if he had told his mother of what was going on and he said no. Well the next day I decided to call her and tell her of the situation. What was even worse than telling her was that when I was finished she said, "and who are you again?" I spent time with these people, so my only thought was that I was not the only one he was bringing around family. I had decided then and there that any future was impossible and never going to happen with this "boy".
Well needless to say about a year later when the conversation of child support came up he wanted to sign over his rights and have nothing to do with Anthony. I was totally crushed at hearing this. How was I going to explain to my son that his dad wanted no part in his life and make it sound good...well when the question would come up. Anthony's grandmother and I had begun a good relationship and talked a great deal and became close, so when this came up I told Anthony's father that I would be telling his mother of the recent news. I told her of what her son wished to do and also told her what that intailed. No more weekend visits, no more birthdays, nothing. She was devistated and furious at the news that her son wanted to kill the relationship with her first grandson. She would have no part of it, and so he called later that day and changed his mind.
Well now I am at the point where I wish that I would have followed through with it. Nothing has changed, his father is still never around. With the exception of keeping him out too late at the arcade every once and a while. The latest thing that I have asked of his father is to include Anthony on his health insurance plan at his work, so that Anthony can have double coverage incase I loose mine or he looses his. I have provided all the information needed so that he may do this. I called this past Friday to ask him about it, several months have passed, and he told me that he didn't know where his mom put the information and that I would have to provide it again. Well that isn't going to happen, Anthony has been getting credit card offers and I think it is because of the lost social security information I gave.
Anthony's grandmother has been calling to have him come and spend the weekend and I haven't called her back. I am so sick of the games that her son is playing that I have decided until he get's Anthony health insurance like he said he would Anthony is not going to be visiting. This particular grandmother likes to use intimidation when talking to me about Anthony and him visiting. She seems to forget that I hold the possession that she wants and by her bullying there is no way in hell I am going to be nice about anything. She always has an excuse for her son and I am quite tired of her trying to get in the middle of our business.
The only reason I have been letting Anthony go over to his grandparent's house is to visit them, now keep in mind his dad lives there, his so called father hardly ever takes him out to do anything. Oh and the other thing, his "father" has a girlfriend that has three kids...how is this good for my son? He knows what is going on. I feel so bad for him, but the one good thing is that the Cisco is the perfect dad. He is there for him and loves him. That is a good thing. I think that Anthony is begining to see that also. I don't have to say anything bad about is "father" because he is making himself look bad without any help from me. I love the Cisco for the love that he gives Anthony.
~M
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