To Overcome The Past...

When I went into 6th grade I was a little on the chubby side. Not a fat kid per se, but just chubby. I had spent all summer at my mom's across town and didn't really have any friends in that neighborhood. I did however have my favorite movie at the time "Steel Magnolias", a telephone to call my cousin constantly and watch movies while on the phone with each other and a house full of food. That just spelled disaster, but I didn't see that one, I was only 11 for crying out loud. But when my mom and I went for new school clothes she was just as shocked as I was when my old sizes didn't quite fit the same way. Starting school that year just sucked. Other kids made me feel like crap about how I looked, and what a difference one summer had made on my body. I think personally the final straw was while I was at lunch and having a milkshake my bra snapped in half from the back. Now, chances are that since my dad and I didn't have much money laying around and we made everything last as long as possible my bra was just old and I needed another one. But, while I was walking to my Reading teachers room so that she could help me pin it or something I was just plain humiliated. I couldn't believe that happened to me, I was positive it was because of that summer weight that I had gained...and the last thing I needed that day was a milkshake.

My dad worked nights so he wasn't home to make dinner or make sure I went to bed on time, that meant I could do what I wanted. He bought food for the house, but since I couldn't make much else but frozen dinners or sandwiches the variety was not much to brag about. I decided that I would do laps in our pool, a lot of them, and just not eat. I heard of other girls at school doing it and it sounded like the perfect thing for me. I swam and swam, and tried not to eat anything. I would eat but it would be a cracker, or a carrot and maybe some celery. I was just shedding the pounds, I was so happy. Everyone was saying such nice things to me, I was so happy. My dad gave me $20.00 a month for my school lunch, he would hand me the $20 at the beginning of the month and tell me to make it last. So I took the $20 and saved it instead, he never knew. I would save it and then go to the Clothestime that was down the street or to Thrifty to buy makeup with it. My dad didn't have money to get me those kinds of things so I just saved my food money and bought things with that. I had a lot of friends and they came over all the time, so I would always ask them if they were hungry and feed them what I would have normally ate, and he didn't know the difference either. I think about once a week I would try to eat a dinner that he got me, but it was hard. I just didn't' want to get fat again.

The only problem with my little plan was that on the weekends I would have to go to my mom's house. Well her and my step-dad were there...all the time. It was nothing like being at my house with my dad. So she would make breakfast, lunch and dinner. Well I just never wanted to eat any of it, and I was going to be damned if I was going to get fat again over a weekend. My mom started to catch onto what was going on, because I would just move my food around my plate so that it looked like I ate. I would tell her that I went with my cousin on a walk and ate at his house and that was why I wasn't too hungry for dinner. I don't think she was buying into it after about the third weekend. She didn't see me as much as my dad did and she could tell that I was getting to small, even with the baggy clothes on. She saved my dinner one night and told me I would eat it in the morning. When the morning came and I told her I was still not hungry she vowed to tell my dad what was going on and if that happened I knew what that meant...babysitter at night. No way was I going to have that freedom taken away. So I slowly started to eat. Very slowly. I just hated it. I was able to wear a bikini and look good in it and short shorts if I wanted to. It was great. But when I started eating again I realized that I felt better in general. I didn't realize how tired I was all the time was because I wasn't eating, because that tiredness went away. So I learned my lesson. It was hard, cause I was kind of on my own to make sure I was doing the right thing and not falling back into the old habit. I would every once and a while but it didn't last long.

I was telling Cisco last night that those old feelings are coming back. I am finding myself wanting to work out all the time, and I don't want to eat anything. I am getting to where when I look in the mirror I am just disgusted at how I look and that it's not coming off fast enough. I know where this obsession is going to lead me if I'm not careful, I'm so glad that I have someone that loves me and that I am so comfortable to talk to about everything to. I wanted to share how I felt with Cisco so that I could hear myself say it, so that I wouldn't do what I did so many years ago. I keep telling myself that I need to eat so that I can work out and look good when I get thinner and not a saggy bag of gross bones like I see at the gym so often. I have to eat and stay healthy for my kids and so that I can set a good example for them. The last thing that I would want to see is Olivia go through the same thing. There is enough pressure from kids and TV that she will have to deal with, dealing with something like that at the house would be the worst thing that I could do to both of them.

I am trying to stay out of that mind set but it is hard, I had done it for so long. I thought those feelings were long and gone, but I guess it is something that will always be there, I just have to know how to get through it. Thankfully, when Cisco goes to work at night, I'm not there alone with my former self. I'm there with my kids, who keep me busy and help me think positive all the time.

I will lose this weight, but in a safe way this time around. That is something that I can proudly say.

~M