A New Day...A New Beginning...

As the sun rises I am reminded of my commitment to myself. I need a new beginning. I need a new start. I need to stop making promises to others and deals with some and come to the reality that I need to do this for myself and no one else. I talked to Cisco about this the other night, but I wonder how much of the conversation he remembers...

I am willing to put myself out there completely, to be vulnerable, to be held accountable for my own actions. It may just be an online diary, but I know that some very close friends of mine read this and knowing that it's worth it to me.

I have said so many times before that I vow to lose weight and I'm going to start today, I'm going to the gym, I'm going to make a deal with whom ever to lose so much in this time frame...but I always fail at my vow and go back to the way things were. No more. I'm done. I'm tired of walking by the nice outfits and wishing that I could buy some but instead have to walk into the fat girl section of the store. I'm tired of not wanting to wear shorts in the summer in fear of how I would look in them. I want to go to the swimming pool with the kids and get in without feeling fat and gross. I don't know anyone that likes to feel that way. I want to start shopping in the Misses section of the store again and not the Women's. I want to start shopping at Victoria's Secret again and not at Lane Bryant. I'm just done.

I only work 3 days a week right now, and I have no excuses. I thought about it today too...think about all the time that we sit in front of the T.V. or reading books, magazines or are on the computer. Hours a day. But for some reason there is always the excuse of not having enough time in the day to workout and take care of yourself. I know that when I get home from work I think of all the things I still have to do, get dinner ready for the kids, help with homework and any other chores. But it's staying lighter later and we have dogs and there is a park right down the damn street. So now what is the excuse? There is always one that I can think of, but no more.

I have a goal. I really, really, really want to participate in a Marathon. Just to prove to myself that I can. I can't run for s***, but I think that I can fix that. I think the biggest reason why I can't run right now is because I am 90 pounds over weight and my body is telling my fat ass to get home and watch some T.V. instead of working out.

I am addicted to The Biggest Loser. I think it's the greatest show, it's just so inspiring. I think that I have to take that as a clue to stop sitting and watching it and doing it. If people are on there that are 360 pounds and climbing a mountain then I think that I can do it too. Yes, given that they are there for months and all they do is work out it makes it look so easy. But I know first hand that it will be a real bitch to get into this thing. I have to keep up a routine and just do it. Summer heat or not no more excuses.

I am 220 pounds...how does that happen!!!! I look at pictures of myself and am just grossed out. I personally don't think I look that big, but pictures tell such a different story. I know that the weight started when I was taking shots for birth control and they had steroids in them, I gained 10 pounds a year for 4 years from that. That's a lot, then I never did anything about it and it just got worse. It didn't help that I was in a relationship with someone that loved me regardless, so of course that was that. I'm tired of seeing that number.

I know that I am alone in my little battle and I will have to fight the war alone, but I know I can do it. I have the goal in my sight and even though it was hard to write it down and embarrassing I wrote that horrible number down. I've decided to update this every week to help myself see progress. I was going to put a photo up, but I'm just not THAT brave....

Today is my Monday and I'm so excited to find myself again...

~M