Just Keep Going...Just Keep Going...

So since my last post I've been running, walking briskly, running up hills at the park and playing outside with the kids more. I know that it hasn't been a full week, I think I am one day shy but I thought I would check in like I promised.

I am feeling so good about myself since I promised myself a new lease on life. I go out and do something everyday, with only Sunday as my day off. I run, not real fast but I do it the best I can and as far and often as I can to help build some endurance. I went with Cisco the other day and I thought that I was going to die. I'm glad that he went because I wouldn't have pushed myself that hard or far. Now I know that I can go as far as we did running and make it. I just have to try for a little further each time I go. The only problem is the turn around the corner from where we stopped was uphill from there, I guess that's my next challenge, running uphill.

Today I am going to buy a new scale the one we have is a piece of junk. I weighed myself in the morning and it said 215 and later on in the day I did it again and it said 212.5. It's a miracle you can lose 3.5 pounds in one day! So since the scale cannot give me an accurate reading I'm going to buy one that can. I can't go to the gym everyday to weigh myself.

My challenge right now is eating smaller portions of food at a sitting. I don't eat a lot right now as it is, but I would like to cut the portion size in half. I have to learn to eat 6 small healthy meals each day instead of Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Which is pretty much what I'm doing now, and then eating fruit or yogurt in between. I found this really great website www.livestrong.com/thedailyplate it's great, you can keep track of all your calories, your workout sessions, water you take in everyday, it's just got everything. You put in your weight and your weight loss goal for the week and it gives you how many calories that you should be having each day to achieve that goal. A friend of mine also said that there is an application for iPhone on there too, for those of you that have one.

It's been a challenging week, Cisco and the kids have been great about not letting me give any excuses for not going out there and at least taking a walk everyday and I'm so happy that they are doing that. I haven't had an ounce of fast food since I posted last week either, and my soda intake has drastically dropped (mostly because when I drink it I get headaches or don't feel too good after). So all in all I think I am off to a good start, now I just have to keep it up. I'm going to take it one week at a time and before I know it I will be there.

~M

A New Day...A New Beginning...

As the sun rises I am reminded of my commitment to myself. I need a new beginning. I need a new start. I need to stop making promises to others and deals with some and come to the reality that I need to do this for myself and no one else. I talked to Cisco about this the other night, but I wonder how much of the conversation he remembers...

I am willing to put myself out there completely, to be vulnerable, to be held accountable for my own actions. It may just be an online diary, but I know that some very close friends of mine read this and knowing that it's worth it to me.

I have said so many times before that I vow to lose weight and I'm going to start today, I'm going to the gym, I'm going to make a deal with whom ever to lose so much in this time frame...but I always fail at my vow and go back to the way things were. No more. I'm done. I'm tired of walking by the nice outfits and wishing that I could buy some but instead have to walk into the fat girl section of the store. I'm tired of not wanting to wear shorts in the summer in fear of how I would look in them. I want to go to the swimming pool with the kids and get in without feeling fat and gross. I don't know anyone that likes to feel that way. I want to start shopping in the Misses section of the store again and not the Women's. I want to start shopping at Victoria's Secret again and not at Lane Bryant. I'm just done.

I only work 3 days a week right now, and I have no excuses. I thought about it today too...think about all the time that we sit in front of the T.V. or reading books, magazines or are on the computer. Hours a day. But for some reason there is always the excuse of not having enough time in the day to workout and take care of yourself. I know that when I get home from work I think of all the things I still have to do, get dinner ready for the kids, help with homework and any other chores. But it's staying lighter later and we have dogs and there is a park right down the damn street. So now what is the excuse? There is always one that I can think of, but no more.

I have a goal. I really, really, really want to participate in a Marathon. Just to prove to myself that I can. I can't run for s***, but I think that I can fix that. I think the biggest reason why I can't run right now is because I am 90 pounds over weight and my body is telling my fat ass to get home and watch some T.V. instead of working out.

I am addicted to The Biggest Loser. I think it's the greatest show, it's just so inspiring. I think that I have to take that as a clue to stop sitting and watching it and doing it. If people are on there that are 360 pounds and climbing a mountain then I think that I can do it too. Yes, given that they are there for months and all they do is work out it makes it look so easy. But I know first hand that it will be a real bitch to get into this thing. I have to keep up a routine and just do it. Summer heat or not no more excuses.

I am 220 pounds...how does that happen!!!! I look at pictures of myself and am just grossed out. I personally don't think I look that big, but pictures tell such a different story. I know that the weight started when I was taking shots for birth control and they had steroids in them, I gained 10 pounds a year for 4 years from that. That's a lot, then I never did anything about it and it just got worse. It didn't help that I was in a relationship with someone that loved me regardless, so of course that was that. I'm tired of seeing that number.

I know that I am alone in my little battle and I will have to fight the war alone, but I know I can do it. I have the goal in my sight and even though it was hard to write it down and embarrassing I wrote that horrible number down. I've decided to update this every week to help myself see progress. I was going to put a photo up, but I'm just not THAT brave....

Today is my Monday and I'm so excited to find myself again...

~M

Trying To Stay Hopeful...

I'm really trying. It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks, I've just been down. Really down, I try my best to put on happy faces and smile when the time is appropriate but it's so tiring at the end of the day to pretend to be something that I am not...happy. I know that I have to look at the bigger picture and see what I have in front of me, and I try to everyday, but there are just some things that have been bothering me for so long and the aren't getting any better.

One great example would be the enormous feat of trying to get to the gym with no interruptions and nothing stopping me from going. My whole weight loss plan thing is out the window...again. I am coming close to defeat, I'm going to try to stay very with it this coming week since the kids are not in school and I will not be working much I can go and hopefully that will help things, see I try to keep it positive.

One other example is the job hunting, I'm sure that this is the same all around this country and it's so exhausting. I see ads all the time, I apply for jobs ALL THE TIME and never once have I recieved a call back. Oh, I had a bite for City Center, but now since they have been in the S*** I wouldn't be surprised if I got that one now. Even if I did they won't even offer me the job until September. That's right, SEPTEMBER! What the hell am I supposed to do til then! I'm down to 3 days a week now and I'm sure soon it will be cut down more, but all I can do is keep putting applications in and hope that McDonalds calls next week.

Cisco has been great through this whole thing and so have the kids. I know that I probably give them a harder time than I need to, and I try really hard to not have the little things get to me right now, because believe me it's easy for those little things to set me over the edge. I had a melt down last week and thought that all hope was lost. I was ready to jump out our second story window, but Cisco just layed there with me in our room and didn't say much of anything, he just let me get it all out, tears and all. I think that's why I love him so much. I think most guys would have gone into the living room and let their woman be. "Oh, I'll give her the space she soooo needs right now and when she's ready she will come out" Now I must admit that Cisco had done this before, but not when I seemed to be so sad and woeful. It's nice to know that person is there, it is a sign of support and understanding. Even if he does nothing but sit there with you through it.

I love you baby, maybe it's my turn to have someone to lean on in my time of need, and I am so glad that it is you that is there for me to lean on.

Love you forever babe...

~M