Random and Open at 4:30am...

There are always so many thoughts in my head at any one point in time. I always start or head to do something and get side tracked, it's almost like having ADHD. "I have to go and put the checks in the mail, oh yeah, let me fold that laundry first." Three hours later..."I have to go put the checks in the mail..." while heading over to the desk I hear a baby wake up and I have to go and feed her. None the less the checks get into the mail 3-4 days later. I have become scatter brained. I'm hoping that this is because there is a lack of sleep and there are always babies to tend to.

I'm a worry wart. I always have been, ever since I was a small child. Don't talk to me about the end of the world. Don't show me movies or television programs about signs about it or anything revolving around it. I become too paranoid and highly depressed and upset about it. January 1, 2000 posed it's own problems and I refused to leave the house and became highly paranoid when all the hype about May 21, 2011 came around. I know how silly and funny it all seems to you, but for some reason it all scares me to the point of insanity some times, so lets just say I'm going to be one hell of a mess come December 12, 2012. I am over protective of my kids because of all the crazies out there. Who said that only little children can be kidnapped and murdered...no one, so don't blame me for not letting my kid not enter your house unless I know you. I know too many people that are not protective enough and bad things have happened and then they wonder why. My kids roll their eyes, however, they don't understand fully the way I grew up with my dad. There was no supervision, there were no curfew's, there were boundries onto where and when I was to go and be home. However, there was no one there to make sure it all was done. He was at work where he was supposed to be in order to take care of us. But being in Jr. High and with no one there to really take care of me unless it was Wednesday or Thursday proved to be great. Looking back on it all now, I put myself in way too many dangerous positions. Walking home from a friends house that lived about 4 miles away at midnight? No problem, I could take care of myself...stupid. I'm all about trusting your children, however, my dad trusted too much at that time.

I can't go to sleep in complete darkness and silence. It drives me mad. I have to have the television on, even if it's on and low and all I do is roll over. When there is complete silence nothing but negativity flows through my brain. When it starts it's hard to stop. Most of the time when it happens all I can do to make it go away is pray that God help me think good things, turn the television on and then hopefully fall peacefully asleep. I am quite curious as to why this happens. Sometimes it makes me cry since I don't understand it and I don't know how to stop it. Often times I will wait for Cisco to come home since it's easier to go to sleep, but there are many times where I try not to go to sleep in fear that I won't wake up to see the next day. I sit in bed and listen to my heart beat and wonder if it's going too fast, is that pain in my chest in my chest or do I just have a tummy ache? There is something wrong with me...seems like it anyway at the time.

I don't want to be too tired to take care of me anymore. I'm too tired to go to the gym, take the dog for a walk, hell I hate going to the mailbox anymore because I have to exert energy that could be used to get to the kitchen to make a bottle. I'm embarassed at how I look and I always promise myself that I will make a "change" tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes, it's just too crazy and when I get the chance to go or to do something about it I'm just exhausted. Good thing we have stairs that's about the only real exercise I get anymore besides chasing babies around the damn house and cleaning it all the time.

I dread the sun going down. I believe this has a lot to do with living with my dad when I was little, since most nights I was alone.

I wish that I wasn't embarrassed at my house. No hallway floor upstairs, the girls have no door knob on their door, let alone paint on it, their baseboard is still a mess, I need a new couch in the den, I need a dog gate so that the dog can't get to the new couch in said den, my dishwasher has been in the repairing stages for months and I injure myself on it daily, my back yard is gross ( I want to poison the neighbors tree, that would do it ), and the floor needs to be replaced in the living room. I think this is why I HATE having people over. Too much anxiety on how they think the place looks. Unfortunately, unless there is a miracle I don't see my husband and I geting to most of these things until the girls are in Jr. High.

I love going to the grocery store. Again, since this was the only times on my dad's days off that we would really DO stuff together and he would have to do it sober.

I love my mom but resent her at the same time. I swear all the time I'm not going to call her and ask her to come over since I am so angry with her, but it's horrible since at the same time all I want to do is be around her and I pack up my 5,000 kids and items and head over to her house since she always has an excuse not to come to me. It's horrible to feel like I am seeking approval and trying to shove my kids at her to pretty much say, "hey look! I have kids too, don't you think they are pretty great too?!"

I need help. But, most of the time when I break down and finally decide to ask, no one answers the phone, they are busy or they can't because they are eating dinner or something. So, the solution? Don't ask.

I'm damaged goods. The relationship that I am currently in is the only one that I have been in where I have not been cheated on (pretty sure anyway). Which I would say leaves me with some pretty deep scars and some serious trust issues. I think I have nearly ruined my current relationship many many times especially in the early years due to this. However, I don't think that I was completley wrong in some theory's that I had along the way.

I wish I could enjoy time to myself. I can't because when I am alone it's too quiet. I miss my big kids, I miss my babies and I miss my husband. I don't know how to enjoy being alone anymore. I used to and I wish I could sometimes.

I wish I was more put together. I feel like my house is a complete pig sty half the time. Most people think it's in great shape with 5 kids running around. I think it's because I'm always on the big kids to pick up their stuff and help out, but they are only so much help since most of the time they only do what they "Have" to do, don't ask for anything extra or you will get an eye roll or a heavy breath being expelled. Not worth the drama anymore.

There are times when showing affection or a snuggle or two are some of the most difficult things for me to do. I have a theory on this one too, but I don't think I'll share that at this time.

Every year I have to write a letter to the parole board as to why someone should be kept in prision...I dread it every time I see it.

I feel like I am a horrible friend. Relationships take time, they take care, they take work. Time is hard to find anymore, it all goes to keeping the relationships at home moving along and working well. There are many times when they don't but those need to be my priority right now. I feel horrible that I am not able to pick up the phone and call someone back when I say that I will and I feel even more horrible when people don't understand as to why I wasn't able to do it. I hate to say it but it is easier for me to keep up with someone through a text than it is to call. I can text and "hear" you better than I can over the phone since most of the time I have a screaming baby in my lap. I get sad when I am alone at night and want to just pick up the phone and call someone to talk and look through my contacts and realize that there really aren't any up at 10:00 at night that have the time to do it too. The friends that I do have are great because they have the same crazy schedule.

Pretty random I know, but these are thoughts and feelings that keep me up at night, these are things that I keep inside me, these are things that I need to get out even if it is to a world of people I don't know or a world full of ones that I do.