I just don't know what to do about Anthony any longer. I am at my wits end. It is truly a shame that I say that and that I feel that way but I am. I want to hold up the white flag of surrender. We (Anthony's teacher, Cisco and I) have been trying pretty much since the beginning of the school year to help him out with his studies. He wasn't doing too hot, mostly D's and an F every once and a while. We do tutoring before school and after school on some days and then the rest is done in the class room and at home. The case of him having ADHD has come into play and we are in the process of getting that tested and seeing if there is something going on down that road. But, still in the mean time it's mainly his attitude about school. I know that kids just don't like school in general, they would rather stay at home and sleep or play video games all day, but that will and won't ever happen. I have spoken to him about what happens if you don't stay in school and where his life could go, but every time I say that he says how his grandpa will hire him and he can work with him. Since he has been telling me this I tell my step-dad to tell him that if he doesn't go to school and graduate that he won't hire him.
If you can believe it not even that worked to make him try a little harder in school. Cisco and I have discussed having him held back and doing the 4th grade again and I have spoken with his teacher about this and she said that it's nearly impossible to have a child held back a grade (thanks Bush, lovin' that no child left behind crap). I really do think that he needs it, not only because of the material but I think that if he sees that all his friends are in 5th and he's stuck in 4th he will finally get a clue. Now, I would hate to go through all that and still see that it didn't work so I'm holding off on making a phone call to the Oval Office to make it happen.
Anthony's teacher called me at work and I spoke with her about Anthony and his attitude about things, he just doesn't care. Everything that comes out of his mouth is, " I don't care ". I thought that he was saying that to just me and Cisco apparently he is telling his teacher to F*** off too, which is what I see the "I don't care" as a sign of. He is a good boy, he really is, but when it comes to school and having to go and coming home and doing home work, he turns into this monster. It's horrible, it's so stressful. I blame myself everyday for it all. I don't know what I could have done to make it different or if it's just hardwired into him somehow. I love school, I still do and he sees that I go. Olivia doesn't loathe school and Cisco graduated from College so I don't know where this immense hate for it comes from. Everyone has tried to get it out of him, but all he ever says about it is "I don't know". I could just grab him by the neck sometimes and choke him so that he would tell me what the problem is. I've begged him to tell me so that I could fix it but...nothing.
I'm so lost at this point. I don't know what else to do. I've taken video games away, lowered the bed time hour, no visits with friends or grandparents, no movies, etc. Anything you can think of I have done it. The only ammunition I have for this week is his birthday and his friend's birthday.
His friend is having his birthday on Saturday and he's not going to be able to go to that. Also, Anthony's birthday is tomorrow, and I don't know if I should still do all the things for him that I planned on because of this. The timing really sucks, his birthday party was going to be next week, but now that is going to go on the back burner until all this other stuff gets worked out. I will still throw him one, it may be in April but I will throw him one with all his little friends. I told Cisco that I have to feel some major support coming from him on this one...I do not want to go back on this, cause if I do Anthony will think that everything else that I said was not important. I have to hold firm and follow through with this one.
I don't know maybe a miracle will happen, but I'm not holding my breath.
~M
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thursday, January 08, 2009
All Too Fast...
So sometimes I lay in bed and can't sleep.
The desire to sneak into Anthony or Olivia's room to snuggle while they are sleeping gets to be so bad that sometimes I give in and go in there. To smell their hair and face is just comforting. The smell isn't the same though, when they were little it smelled like baby shampoo and softness. The smell is similar, it's of innocence but not as strong as it used to be.
They spend more time in their rooms now, and upstairs building things. The desire to "hang out" with me downstairs isn't there as much anymore.
Sometimes when I am laying in bed at night this gets to me, it makes me sad, it makes me cry. It makes me wish that my babies were small again. Where they couldn't pronounce words right, where they would just sit around and make things and want us to look at them and their little faces would beam with joy when we would oogle their picture that slightly looks like a dog, or us.
When Anthony was a baby, or actually before I even had Anthony I came across a book called "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. I cry every time I read it. It's very difficult for me to read it to Anthony because I cry and he doesn't know why and then he cries. It's a wonderful book about a mother who cares for her son and every night cradles him in his arms and sings him a song about how much she loves him and will do so forever. She does this through his teen years, he does this when he is a grown man and when his mom is old and can't do anything for herself any longer he cradles her in his arms and sings the song that she has sung to him for all the days of his life. If you haven't read it you have to...especially if you have kids.
I never thought the day would come where they would actually grew up. I mean I knew it would happen, just not so soon. It hurts my heart to know that within the next couple of years Anthony won't want to go on "dates" to the movies and dinner with me on Friday nights any more. He won't want to snuggle in bed with me when dad isn't home, won't want to watch cartoons or cartoon movies with me for endless hours on Saturday nights any longer. He will want to go to his friend's house, go out to the movies with a girl, and then before I know it he will move out and hopefully visit every now and again. It makes me so incredibly sad. Trying not to cry while writing this is hard too.
My mom told me the day would come, but it just didn't seem possible. But it's approaching. Anthony is worried about his clothes and what he wears, Olivia is getting more and more into boys (how cute they are, and who she is "crushing" over). Have I really turned into the mom that is needing to take a class on the new teen lingo???? I'm only 29 how in the hell is that possible. I feel like I only got out of high school a couple of years ago!
It's hard and it sucks, but I keep thinking about the good things that will come out of it. Hopefully, Cisco and I have taught our kids to be responsible for their actions, be honest, be kind to others, never dream too big and to always love others. There is nothing much besides wrapping them in a plastic bubble that we can do to protect them and make them happy and healthy adults.
~M
The desire to sneak into Anthony or Olivia's room to snuggle while they are sleeping gets to be so bad that sometimes I give in and go in there. To smell their hair and face is just comforting. The smell isn't the same though, when they were little it smelled like baby shampoo and softness. The smell is similar, it's of innocence but not as strong as it used to be.
They spend more time in their rooms now, and upstairs building things. The desire to "hang out" with me downstairs isn't there as much anymore.
Sometimes when I am laying in bed at night this gets to me, it makes me sad, it makes me cry. It makes me wish that my babies were small again. Where they couldn't pronounce words right, where they would just sit around and make things and want us to look at them and their little faces would beam with joy when we would oogle their picture that slightly looks like a dog, or us.
When Anthony was a baby, or actually before I even had Anthony I came across a book called "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. I cry every time I read it. It's very difficult for me to read it to Anthony because I cry and he doesn't know why and then he cries. It's a wonderful book about a mother who cares for her son and every night cradles him in his arms and sings him a song about how much she loves him and will do so forever. She does this through his teen years, he does this when he is a grown man and when his mom is old and can't do anything for herself any longer he cradles her in his arms and sings the song that she has sung to him for all the days of his life. If you haven't read it you have to...especially if you have kids.
I never thought the day would come where they would actually grew up. I mean I knew it would happen, just not so soon. It hurts my heart to know that within the next couple of years Anthony won't want to go on "dates" to the movies and dinner with me on Friday nights any more. He won't want to snuggle in bed with me when dad isn't home, won't want to watch cartoons or cartoon movies with me for endless hours on Saturday nights any longer. He will want to go to his friend's house, go out to the movies with a girl, and then before I know it he will move out and hopefully visit every now and again. It makes me so incredibly sad. Trying not to cry while writing this is hard too.
My mom told me the day would come, but it just didn't seem possible. But it's approaching. Anthony is worried about his clothes and what he wears, Olivia is getting more and more into boys (how cute they are, and who she is "crushing" over). Have I really turned into the mom that is needing to take a class on the new teen lingo???? I'm only 29 how in the hell is that possible. I feel like I only got out of high school a couple of years ago!
It's hard and it sucks, but I keep thinking about the good things that will come out of it. Hopefully, Cisco and I have taught our kids to be responsible for their actions, be honest, be kind to others, never dream too big and to always love others. There is nothing much besides wrapping them in a plastic bubble that we can do to protect them and make them happy and healthy adults.
~M
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Christmas...Etc...
It's over, I think that is all I really have to say about it. I'm glad that it is over, and not for the usual reasons that you would think. I was so sick during Christmas that I am glad that it is over. It started a couple of days before the wonderful and exciting little holiday came to our house. There were aunties and uncles in town, dinner at homes that I love to frequent, parties at others and none of them were enjoyed, at least by me. I didn't go to the candle light service at Olivia's grandma's church, and I love going to it every year. It was just a bad three weeks, yes, three weeks was how long I was sick for. I don't remember much of Christmas because of being sick, I just remember sleeping a lot and wishing that I didn't have to go to parties and dinners. But now that it is over I'm so happy.
The kids got the usual loot, too many presents and nowhere to put them. Cisco and I got things that we needed, which is always appreciated, and from our friends and family we got things we could play with and read, which is always nice to get, no matter how old you are! I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday with their family and friends like we did.
A couple of weeks ago Cisco went and cleaned out the storage unit of all the stuff from the store and it is now housed in our garage. By the looks of it, we may have our Christmas stuff up until next year. You can't get to anything in the house. I hope I don't need a hammer anytime soon, cause I wouldn't be able to get to it, I would have to go and buy a new one. The boxes for the Christmas tree and the ornaments are tucked away with chairs blocking it. I refuse to go in there, because every time I do I am tempted to get a bunch of that stuff and leave it in the driveway so that whom ever should pass our little house may just come along and take what they need. Cisco doesn't want me to sell any of that stuff, I'm sure, unless he is there, but I am going to have to pull some of it out and try for the best when I have a yard sale in a couple of weeks. I need to have my garage and sanity back. I can't remember the last time I personally took the trash out, I either wait for Cisco to do it, or on a garbage night I have the kids take it to the curb, you can't get to the front of the garage without needing to do a balancing act on top of carpets and chairs. You don't realize how much you go in there until you need to go in and can't get in. Oh, well at least no storage means one less bill every month.
Work is starting to feel more like work, I'm not happy here any more. I am ready for a change, I need to do some research and figure out what is going to be right for me. I am tired of working at my mom's house, not having anyone to talk to except for my mom or "grandma", I can't stand coming to my mom's on weekends, because I am here all week long. That sucks. I love my mom, but to hear her and my grandma talk and argue for hours on end in an echo enhanced kitchen with my office on the other side of the door is getting on my nerves. I just need a change, I don't know what to do about it yet, but when I do I promise that I will write about it 6 months after it happens! That seems to be the norm for me to get around to writing anymore.
I can't think of what else to write about right now. Anthony's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and we are trying to figure out what to do for that. That's about it. Hope everyone is enjoying their winter and have a safe one at that.
~M
The kids got the usual loot, too many presents and nowhere to put them. Cisco and I got things that we needed, which is always appreciated, and from our friends and family we got things we could play with and read, which is always nice to get, no matter how old you are! I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday with their family and friends like we did.
A couple of weeks ago Cisco went and cleaned out the storage unit of all the stuff from the store and it is now housed in our garage. By the looks of it, we may have our Christmas stuff up until next year. You can't get to anything in the house. I hope I don't need a hammer anytime soon, cause I wouldn't be able to get to it, I would have to go and buy a new one. The boxes for the Christmas tree and the ornaments are tucked away with chairs blocking it. I refuse to go in there, because every time I do I am tempted to get a bunch of that stuff and leave it in the driveway so that whom ever should pass our little house may just come along and take what they need. Cisco doesn't want me to sell any of that stuff, I'm sure, unless he is there, but I am going to have to pull some of it out and try for the best when I have a yard sale in a couple of weeks. I need to have my garage and sanity back. I can't remember the last time I personally took the trash out, I either wait for Cisco to do it, or on a garbage night I have the kids take it to the curb, you can't get to the front of the garage without needing to do a balancing act on top of carpets and chairs. You don't realize how much you go in there until you need to go in and can't get in. Oh, well at least no storage means one less bill every month.
Work is starting to feel more like work, I'm not happy here any more. I am ready for a change, I need to do some research and figure out what is going to be right for me. I am tired of working at my mom's house, not having anyone to talk to except for my mom or "grandma", I can't stand coming to my mom's on weekends, because I am here all week long. That sucks. I love my mom, but to hear her and my grandma talk and argue for hours on end in an echo enhanced kitchen with my office on the other side of the door is getting on my nerves. I just need a change, I don't know what to do about it yet, but when I do I promise that I will write about it 6 months after it happens! That seems to be the norm for me to get around to writing anymore.
I can't think of what else to write about right now. Anthony's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and we are trying to figure out what to do for that. That's about it. Hope everyone is enjoying their winter and have a safe one at that.
~M
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