The Diary of a Crazed Woman

My Babies...

2012-01-12T23:05:00.001-08:00

So many things going through my head, so many things going through my mind.

My kids are the number one thing that is going through right now. They are getting older and it bothers me like you would never believe. Olivia starts High School this next school year and that is so hard to believe. I remember when she could barely say Anthony's name. I remember the first time I met her and she saw me and immediately walked up to me and crawled into my lap. She pointed to her shoe that was untied, which I assume had meant that she would like it tied. I did it and even after she was still content to sit there and smile and communicate with me. I found the picture that Cisco had taken of the moement a few years ago and I framed it and gave it to her for Christmas last year or the year before. I had told her the story of us meeting tons of times before because she had asked, so when I was trying to think of something to get her that was special that Christmas the hunt for that picture started. I was really glad I had found it because it had meant a lot to her to have it. I miss her being little, I miss the giggles that only little people can give.

I think the feeling with Anthony is a bit different for obvious reasons, but it tears me up just as much. He is taller than me now. His voice is changing. He is turning 13 in a few weeks. What happened? Where did the time go? I feel like one minute he was laying in my bed and napping with me, us watching Jurassic Park for the one billionth time and taking silly pictures all alone in our little apartment and condo. Now I have a "teenage" boy. One that is more content on being in his room and messing with his things, giving me a hard time and trying to figure out how to rebel against us without crossing any lines, but since he doesn't know how, he gets into more trouble doing it. Today when Cisco and I were cleaning out the garage and going through old books figuring out what to get rid of and what to keep, he found the book I had bought Anthony right after he was born, I Love You Forever. The top corner has been chewed away and not by him but by our little Lulu that we no longer have. I flipped through it, so quickly. I didn't have any time to even really read words and that is probably a good thing because without even reading it and just flipping through I was brought to tears, just thinking about how true it has all become. The day I bought it and read it it all seemed like such a far and distant future, like it was a place that would take me years to get to. My son would be a teenager one day but it would take years and years, and feel like forever. The day is here and it takes my breath away when I think about it. I lay in bed sometimes and cry and think that the little soul that I had growing inside of me for 9 short months and gave birth to, taught to walk and talk is now walking and talking and making me laugh and making me sad. He is turning into a man in front of my very eyes and it seems like I just was not given enough time with him being small. Not enough hugs and snuggles, not enough "I love you mommy". It all feels like it was just a dream, something that has happened in a blink of an eye. I miss it all and it breaks my heart knowing that that part of my life with my son is coming to a close. He talks about what he wants to do when he is out of high school. He talks about getting married, having kids what he wants to do with his life. It hurts me and brings me joy knowing that is only a few short years away before I will be witnessing it all.

I feel like I was given a second chance with my babies to see them grow up. I missed out on quite a bit of the little things with Anthony because I was working all the time to try and provide for us. Now that I can't work because it would just be too expensive to put them into daycare, I spend morning, noon and night with them. And when it all becomes too much to bear I have to think about how fast it all went with Anthony. I think about how little they were, how I couldn't hold Charlie for weeks because she was too sick and the same with Cecilia and even little Catherine. The joy on my face when I was told that I could finally hold them couldn't be contained. I find myself thinking of those days, those days bring me my strenth to deal with all of this when I am overwhelmed, when I am wishing for a bit of peace, when I feel like the bottom is just going to fall out at any time. I think of all the feelings to sadness, depression, of hopelessness. Now all of that has passed and my girls are home, they yell, they scream, they fight, they cry. But they also laugh, smile, walk, talk, crawl, give hugs, give kisses, wave bye bye and come to give me hugs. Cecilia and Charlie aren't walking yet and that's ok with me, cause I know it's going to happen soon. This last year has gone by so fast with the girls, I am amazed everyday at how big they have gotten, to see all the things that they know and that they have learned along the way. I'm so lucky to be able to be here all the time with them and see their transformation every day.

It's all just so overwhelming sometimes and it all just hits me at one time. I don't know what else to do but to write and get it out. The times that I haven't I just cry and cry in bed and can't sleep so I guess this is the better way.

Christmas 2010 vs. Christmas 2011

2011-12-18T22:28:00.000-08:00

Christmas 2010 could be summed up in one simple sentence...I was not interested in it at all.

My family was not together yet. Catherine was home and I was very thankful for that, however, Cecilia and Charlie were still so sick and weren't anywhere close to coming home. I kept being filled with false hope and different developments veryday from the NICU visits. I could care less if there was going to be a tree up, shopping, cooking any of the trivial crap that happens during the holiday (at least that is what I thought last year). All anyone told me is "you can't forget that you have other kids and you have to do it for them" well I did, I put up the tree in the middle of December and cooked like one batch of cookies. That was it. I just didn't have the heart, it didn't seem right to me that we were celebrating a time and a holiday that makes family more important than ever when I only had part of my family together. I didn't have any interest in anyone coming over to visit for the holiday, I just wanted to be in the NICU with my girls. Depressing, depressing, that's all it was for me. I rushed everyone out fairly early on Christmas day because I wanted us to go to the NICU to see the girls and Santa was going to be by to visit them as well. I was so happy when it was all over and everyone was gone and back at home, cause I just wanted to be left alone. I was exhausted, between Anthony, Olivia and Catherine at home during most of the day the rest of my time was spent in the NICU and even though I'm sure I was there a lot, it still seemed like I was not there enough. It hurt my heart when I had to leave, cause the visits seemed like they were further apart and it was mostly because Catherine was at home and I needed to breast feed her and take care of her and the other kids too.

Flash to a year later and I'm busier now, or so it seems, and I'm runing around like crazy. Shopping with the babies, cooking, cleaning, baking and fussing with them and the kids. I think back on a year and I can't believe how far my girls have come, how far we have come as a family. This Christmas is a big one for me as I'm sure for all of us. Cecilia and Charlie are home, they are crawling and getting into everything, Catherine is walking and running and making messes everywhere. We are all together and a crazy BIG family this year and I can't wait for all our family to come and spend time together, I look forward to every scrap of paper, every mess these kids make and every bit of smiles and laughter that we will be hearing and seeing this year. I'm sure there will be tears on my end this year, but it's more out of pure relief, joy and happiness that those days are behind us.

Just so Random...

2011-11-29T23:59:00.000-08:00

Wake up call is usually 6:30 - 7:00am and that is coming from Kitty's crib next to my side of the bed, which I actually declared mine while I was pregnant with the girls since it was better for my back for some reason. Take her down and sit with her so she doesn't freak out since when she wakes up she likes to be held and then she will crawl down and play or walk around when she is ready. The big kids are pretty good about getting themselves up and ready for school, with Anthony I'm sure it helps that he doesn't have to be out the door until 8:00 this year.

I have given up on them taking their lunch to school, it's one less stress I need in my life. I have everything there, however, my kids are just lazy. I'm sure they are either eating their friend's lunches or taking their own money. I refuse to send them to school with lunch money when I have lunch stuff for them. It's ok, makes nice lunches for the girls since the big kids don't touch all the yummy stuff. Of course when they get home from school they raid the kitchen because they are starving. My money is on them having a bag of chips or a cracker from friends or something. I get on their case about eating the whole fridge since I make dinner fairly early any more and they get home at 4 now. I gotta make dinner around 5 - 5:30 since the girls need to eat and start the bed time process that takes several hours. I usually have a compromise with the kids, either you do the dishes and pick up the table and I watch the girls or I'll do the kitchen and you watch the girls. Anthony usually likes to pick the kitchen only cause picking the girls involves diaper changes and pajama changes. He doesn't mind it unless he has to do the wild one...Catherine.

It's funny on Wednesday's or Thursday's when Cisco is here because he is somewhat familiar with the routine...at least the routine up until about 2:00pm. Since he is usually out the door and at work by then. I will see him heading upstairs with Charlie or Cecilia at 7:00pm and I always ask what he's doing. He will say he's going to take her upstairs so she can go to bed. I usually have to remind him that at 7 she gets her bottle but she stays down here, since she will play after drinking some and then actually be ready for bed at 8. Any sooner than 8 usually results in having to go and get her because she crys so much.

It's just the little things that I have gotten used to. I know the little quirks they have, what certain cries mean and what they like to do and when. I know that if it was him here all day and all night it would be the same. He is such a good dad, he figures it all out, he does everything without complaint, he offers and suggests to stay all day with the girls so I can get out of the house. It's always nice but of course by the time I'm out and walking around somewhere I regret going and wish I would have stayed home. His day's off go by so damn fast that I just want to be with him. It's that time of year where we have to try and keep the girls in the house as much as possible due to flu and RSV season but if I go anywhere I want it to be with him, girls or no girls.

It's so rare that we get to go out alone. Either for the evening or for and afternoon just to go to the store, I dread going home when we are alone though. I wish for the life of me that when we do go out we could talk about anything other than the kids, but it is impossible since they are such a big part of everything...they are everything. But, when we are alone together I miss it just being about us. Us being able to make it about us. I know that it will happen again because it happened with the big kids. We were able to go out for a whole weekend and leave A&O with the grandparents because we knew they would be ok, we knew that they could help with things or partially take care of themselves. We were able to do that little bit of letting go and focus on ourselves...finally. Just like with the 3 C's they were the only subject talked about at dinner, in the car, getting ready for work, AT work. But I had noticed that as kids get older and not that you lose sight or focus on them, you are able to let go a little bit and get back to what you used to be before all the kids. You can sleep in a little longer if you want, or go grocery shopping alone while they are hanging out at the house. It was nice, everyone enjoyed the little bit of leverage that they were given, made us feel more free and the kids LOVE the little bit of lead way.

Now we have two different trials and tribulations that we are going through. Raising teenagers and toddlers. I always thought the teenagers part would be much easier. No, I was wrong. I have to set boundries that will keep them safe and their heads on straight while still letting them explore and learn the world on their own. No boyfriends or girlfriends right now, they don't argue about it cause they know Cisco and I won't hear any of it. We had said it should be funny when they do start dating cause I had said if they want to go out on a date they have to take a sister with them. They looked at me like I was crazy when I told them about it. "WHY?!!!" It's easy...it will keep them honest and their shirts down and pants up. If they take a little sister they can't do anything they shouldn't be. Not only would they do or be able to go anywhere you can't take a 3 or 4 year old, they would get tattle taled on so much. Forget the chastity belt...take a toddler! It's just scary out there...always has been but much more now.

I'm not looking forward to dealing with the teenage thing twice in my lifetime. At least I'll have the other two out of the house and be given a little bit of a break before it all starts again!

Peanut Butter and Jelly Cupcakes

2011-07-28T22:07:00.000-07:00

Since there were so many requests for the recipe I thought this would be easier than sending it to everyone.
I normally make cake and cupcakes from scratch but I was in a rush this time so I used a boxed cake mix.

For the frosting:
1/2 cup (1stick) softened butter
1 cup creamy peanut butter
4 cups powdered sugar
Start with 1/3 cup cream

Note: I used heavy cream

So...with a hand or stand mixer mix the butter and peanut butter until fluffy and smooth. Add half the powdered sugar to the combination and mix. Then add the heavy cream. After adding the cream, if the mix is still thick add a bit more. Then add the rest of the powdered sugar, if more cream is needed mix in until you reach your desired consistency.

I have a piping tool that gets the jelly in the middle of the cupcake but if you don't have one then you could use a condiment squirt bottle. You have to use your best judgement on how much jelly goes in the middle. If you put too much the cupcake won't hold together it will fall apart and if you don't put enough you will miss out on the peanut butter and JELLY part! ;-)

Put the frosting on top and enjoy!!!

Random and Open at 4:30am...

2011-07-19T04:56:00.000-07:00

There are always so many thoughts in my head at any one point in time. I always start or head to do something and get side tracked, it's almost like having ADHD. "I have to go and put the checks in the mail, oh yeah, let me fold that laundry first." Three hours later..."I have to go put the checks in the mail..." while heading over to the desk I hear a baby wake up and I have to go and feed her. None the less the checks get into the mail 3-4 days later. I have become scatter brained. I'm hoping that this is because there is a lack of sleep and there are always babies to tend to.

I'm a worry wart. I always have been, ever since I was a small child. Don't talk to me about the end of the world. Don't show me movies or television programs about signs about it or anything revolving around it. I become too paranoid and highly depressed and upset about it. January 1, 2000 posed it's own problems and I refused to leave the house and became highly paranoid when all the hype about May 21, 2011 came around. I know how silly and funny it all seems to you, but for some reason it all scares me to the point of insanity some times, so lets just say I'm going to be one hell of a mess come December 12, 2012. I am over protective of my kids because of all the crazies out there. Who said that only little children can be kidnapped and murdered...no one, so don't blame me for not letting my kid not enter your house unless I know you. I know too many people that are not protective enough and bad things have happened and then they wonder why. My kids roll their eyes, however, they don't understand fully the way I grew up with my dad. There was no supervision, there were no curfew's, there were boundries onto where and when I was to go and be home. However, there was no one there to make sure it all was done. He was at work where he was supposed to be in order to take care of us. But being in Jr. High and with no one there to really take care of me unless it was Wednesday or Thursday proved to be great. Looking back on it all now, I put myself in way too many dangerous positions. Walking home from a friends house that lived about 4 miles away at midnight? No problem, I could take care of myself...stupid. I'm all about trusting your children, however, my dad trusted too much at that time.

I can't go to sleep in complete darkness and silence. It drives me mad. I have to have the television on, even if it's on and low and all I do is roll over. When there is complete silence nothing but negativity flows through my brain. When it starts it's hard to stop. Most of the time when it happens all I can do to make it go away is pray that God help me think good things, turn the television on and then hopefully fall peacefully asleep. I am quite curious as to why this happens. Sometimes it makes me cry since I don't understand it and I don't know how to stop it. Often times I will wait for Cisco to come home since it's easier to go to sleep, but there are many times where I try not to go to sleep in fear that I won't wake up to see the next day. I sit in bed and listen to my heart beat and wonder if it's going too fast, is that pain in my chest in my chest or do I just have a tummy ache? There is something wrong with me...seems like it anyway at the time.

I don't want to be too tired to take care of me anymore. I'm too tired to go to the gym, take the dog for a walk, hell I hate going to the mailbox anymore because I have to exert energy that could be used to get to the kitchen to make a bottle. I'm embarassed at how I look and I always promise myself that I will make a "change" tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes, it's just too crazy and when I get the chance to go or to do something about it I'm just exhausted. Good thing we have stairs that's about the only real exercise I get anymore besides chasing babies around the damn house and cleaning it all the time.

I dread the sun going down. I believe this has a lot to do with living with my dad when I was little, since most nights I was alone.

I wish that I wasn't embarrassed at my house. No hallway floor upstairs, the girls have no door knob on their door, let alone paint on it, their baseboard is still a mess, I need a new couch in the den, I need a dog gate so that the dog can't get to the new couch in said den, my dishwasher has been in the repairing stages for months and I injure myself on it daily, my back yard is gross ( I want to poison the neighbors tree, that would do it ), and the floor needs to be replaced in the living room. I think this is why I HATE having people over. Too much anxiety on how they think the place looks. Unfortunately, unless there is a miracle I don't see my husband and I geting to most of these things until the girls are in Jr. High.

I love going to the grocery store. Again, since this was the only times on my dad's days off that we would really DO stuff together and he would have to do it sober.

I love my mom but resent her at the same time. I swear all the time I'm not going to call her and ask her to come over since I am so angry with her, but it's horrible since at the same time all I want to do is be around her and I pack up my 5,000 kids and items and head over to her house since she always has an excuse not to come to me. It's horrible to feel like I am seeking approval and trying to shove my kids at her to pretty much say, "hey look! I have kids too, don't you think they are pretty great too?!"

I need help. But, most of the time when I break down and finally decide to ask, no one answers the phone, they are busy or they can't because they are eating dinner or something. So, the solution? Don't ask.

I'm damaged goods. The relationship that I am currently in is the only one that I have been in where I have not been cheated on (pretty sure anyway). Which I would say leaves me with some pretty deep scars and some serious trust issues. I think I have nearly ruined my current relationship many many times especially in the early years due to this. However, I don't think that I was completley wrong in some theory's that I had along the way.

I wish I could enjoy time to myself. I can't because when I am alone it's too quiet. I miss my big kids, I miss my babies and I miss my husband. I don't know how to enjoy being alone anymore. I used to and I wish I could sometimes.

I wish I was more put together. I feel like my house is a complete pig sty half the time. Most people think it's in great shape with 5 kids running around. I think it's because I'm always on the big kids to pick up their stuff and help out, but they are only so much help since most of the time they only do what they "Have" to do, don't ask for anything extra or you will get an eye roll or a heavy breath being expelled. Not worth the drama anymore.

There are times when showing affection or a snuggle or two are some of the most difficult things for me to do. I have a theory on this one too, but I don't think I'll share that at this time.

Every year I have to write a letter to the parole board as to why someone should be kept in prision...I dread it every time I see it.

I feel like I am a horrible friend. Relationships take time, they take care, they take work. Time is hard to find anymore, it all goes to keeping the relationships at home moving along and working well. There are many times when they don't but those need to be my priority right now. I feel horrible that I am not able to pick up the phone and call someone back when I say that I will and I feel even more horrible when people don't understand as to why I wasn't able to do it. I hate to say it but it is easier for me to keep up with someone through a text than it is to call. I can text and "hear" you better than I can over the phone since most of the time I have a screaming baby in my lap. I get sad when I am alone at night and want to just pick up the phone and call someone to talk and look through my contacts and realize that there really aren't any up at 10:00 at night that have the time to do it too. The friends that I do have are great because they have the same crazy schedule.

Pretty random I know, but these are thoughts and feelings that keep me up at night, these are things that I keep inside me, these are things that I need to get out even if it is to a world of people I don't know or a world full of ones that I do.

Crazy Babies...

2011-04-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

These babies are driving me crazy today. I'm hoping all they want to do is nap, so that there is not a ton of crying. My nerves are still standing on end from yesterday. I don't know if they didn't take a long enough nap, or if they weren't feeling good, maybe they will be starting to go through teething soon...who knows but it was non stop yesterday. I was so over it by about 6pm. I'm really glad that my mom came over to help, however, I was hoping that it would have been sooner than 8:30pm, hey, at least she was able to come over.

I know that there is something up when they act like that, since they aren't overly cry baby like. So I just throw it up to something bothering them. I want to get into the car and go for a drive so bad. I think it's the weather. I think that if I just had a car to do it, I'm sure that I would pack up the girls and drive somewhere. I'm pretty sure that by the time I got to my destination I would seriously regret my decision! Well, maybe I will go hide in my room now since these little terrors are asleep for right now. Now, time to figure out din din.

October 13, 2010

2010-10-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

They have arrived. They arrived early, which made me very uneasy since they were only 28 weeks and 6 days old. When I went into the hospital 4 days earlier it was because my water broke. So when I checked into the hospital it was the ultimate goal to keep those babies inside for another couple of weeks, at least 4. The thought of being on bed rest at the hospital and only being allowed to get up and use the restroom was depressing. Family was working during the day, Cisco was at work at hight and if I was lucky he would spend lots of time during his days off, but we had Anthony and Olivia at the house and he needed to spend time with them. I thought I was doing really good even with my water being broke, no real problems, babies heartbeats were really good when I was being monitored. Earlier in the day they did an ultrasound and they noticed that there was nearly no water around Catherine and Charlie, I had been leaking most of the day and they thought that Charlie broke her water as well. Now, when we were doing the monitoring on Wednesday night it looked a little grim. The girls heartbeats were higher than usual and it was hard to monitor Charlie and Catherine on the machine, they kept moving and finally the nurses settled with leaving a monitor on Cecilia and tried hard to keep the monitors on Charlie and Catherine. The nurses left out of the room to call the doctor and I was told that I had to get some blood drawn to see if an infection was starting. They took blood and we waited for the results. The doctor called me and told me that if there were signs of infection we would be going into surgery pretty fast. So after an hour, I was told that I was showing signs of infection so we were going to be delivering the babies.

We rolled into the prep area and got ready, FAST. When we were in the delivery room they were quick, I was pretty drugged on Morphine but I remember that it didn't seem to take long for the doctor to get those girls out. My first was Catherine born at 10:57pm, and then I had Cecilia at 10:58pm, then there was my Charlie at 11:00pm. I teased my mom the next day and told her that I couldn't think of what to get her for her birthday so I thought that three granddaughers would work as a perfect present.

Cisco went out of the room with the NICU doctor when the doctor took the girls. He was able to see them before me and spend at least a little bit of time with them. I'm sure that they were so busy doing things for them.

Waking up the next day I was nothing but tired and sore and sick of people coming into my room to take vitals, temperature, and blood from me. I just wanted to sleep and get off those drugs so I could go and see my girls. I was finally able to do so and when I did I could not believe how tiny they were. I've never seen such a thing. My heart just broke thinking how I was unable to hold my babies and not knowing when I would be able to do so. The doctors are the best and they were being very realistic with me as in what to expect.

As the days went on Catherine was doing better as each day went by. It seemed that with each passing day there was good news and moving forward with her getting better and getting off machines, now she is on breast milk and seems to be doing well with it. She has no more lights on her and she is on a very minimal amount of oxygen which is great.

Cecilia has PAD (I just found out lastnight that she had it as well) but since her oxygen has been going down, I am assuming that her PAD is closing which is great. She is no longer on lights either, and today when we went to go and see her she was awake after the nurse changed her diaper, she looked at us, she sneezed about 5 times in a row (just like her mama) and stayed awake for the entire visit. It just about killed me to leave her since she was awake.

When we got there Charlie was being prepped to get her PICC line so that could remove the arterial line out of her belly button, so we couldn't visit with her at that time. But when we went yesterday she was doing better.

I am just so thankful for all the family, friends and church family that we have because we have been having nothing but prayers and good wishes for our girls. I truly believe that our faith and love for eachother and our family has kept us strong and has gotten us through this very difficult time. Everything is day by day. And since there will be great days and days with set backs we have to be prepared for it all. Nothing but a rollercoaster ride, but I have faith and my girls seem to be very strong, and they are little fighters so I have nothing but high hopes for them to come home sooner than expected.

~M

Babies...Babies...Babies...

2010-10-04T03:04:00.000-07:00

Well I know that I should probably be writing about the wedding...and I will in due time, I want to do it when I have some pictures to share as well. But since I don't have any yet I have decided to write about the babies.

We have started on the nursery finally. It took long enough. I think the only thing that was holding us back was the wedding. One thing at a time. We started tearing apart the wall and soon we will be continuing on to paint and put in all of their stuff into the room, which will be a huge relief since as of right now it is all in our living room. I can't wait to have that room back to normal. We look like hoarders right now.

The babies are due to be delivered on November 14 or 15 if all goes to plan. Which I am certainly hoping happens. We have so much more to do before they come to our little world. I am so nervous about them coming, not just because there will be three babies to take care of, but the delivery and recovery itself is terrifying me. I had a ceserean with Anthony so I know what to expect in that sense, but it was a horrible experience and I do not look forward to reliving it again. We picked out the names for the girls, but only family really know the names and I think I am going to keep it that way for a while. When they come I think I will post a picture with their names attached. I have so many ideas for the nursery but just not enough $$$ to bring them to life. I'm sure sooner or later we will be able to make it happen, but it's just been such a busy year, with the wedding and no rest in between now to dig right into the girls. It's exhausting that is for sure!

Well more to come soon, since I will be on my maternity leave soon and I will be able to send updates more often.

~M

Fly Me To The Moon...

2010-06-21T04:21:00.000-07:00

I recently downloaded this song onto my iPhone since I had been forgetting to do it for the longest time. I love it...I always thought that it was a great song, but it just holds a completely different meaning now.

On the night that Cisco proposed to me they played this song at the Bellagio along with the fountain show while we were having dinner on the terrace at Olives. Ever since then when I hear the song I think of the water shooting up and the song going along with it all. I can still picture in my head the which way the fountains turned at certain points of the song and when the water would shoot up high into the sky. Depending on the song that plays with the water it brings tears to my eyes for some reason and this song did that to me...it always does now. It's definately one that I plan on dancing with my husband to at our wedding.

~M

Oh Baby...

2010-05-03T02:04:00.000-07:00

Well as if planning a wedding that will be taking place in a little over 4 months wasn't hectic enough...throw being pregnant into the mix. Yep, found out a couple weeks ago that we will be expecting a little Cisco Jr. or Melissa Jr. So that means wedding in September and baby in either late December or early January. Wow...now that's a lot of planning, I'm tired just thinking about doing it all.

I'm glad though, I'm ready to do it again. I'm ready to do it again and not be alone in the whole process either so I am excited. It's strange, or it will be, to have someone want to and that does go to doctor appointments. Holds onto my belly when the baby starts to move and talks to him/her. Someone to love me and take care of me through all the good, bad and really ugly times that my rear it's head.

It's another adventure that we are partaking on and I am so excited. Everything is happening at once, it seems overwhelming, but it's ok, there is plenty of support.

It's a little scary to think that the last time I did this was 11 years ago. I went to Babies R Us recently and was shocked at all the crap they have now. They even have these little things to put in the toilet so when you are potty training your boy he has something to aim at, it's little styrofoam things that are good for the environment or something. Whatever happened to throwing some Cherrios in the toilet and letting them go at it? Why do you have to buy something to do it? They have pee guards too...now why? They are cute, but totally impractical. Uh, cover the thing up with a wipe or diaper anyone? I don't know, I'm sure these are some of the gifts that I may be recieving, and maybe it's just seeming like a little much, but just like the last time everything will fall into place, new routines will be set and we will all move on with our new little family.

~M

5 Months...

2010-04-14T03:18:00.000-07:00

In 5 months from now I will be married...
In 5 months from now we will officially be a family...
In 5 months from now a new chapter begins...

It's strange and scary to think how 5 months went by so quickly. It was actually only 5 months ago that Cisco asked me to be his wife over a beautiful dinner. Since that point every little detail has been thought of and accounted for. Now it's just a matter of putting the finishing touches on everything, and paying all of our vendors down. It's so exciting when we start to do a new project for the wedding. Going to get Cisco's tux fitted and picked out seemed more difficult than picking out my own dress. There were so many choices and decisions to be made, but it was exciting. Same with picking out the flowers, the cake and all the other little things. I have decided on what kind of favors to do, now the hard part is chosing where to get them without paying out of my nose.

Olivia's aunts are my bridesmaids and I am so excited that they agreed. I love them like if they were my own sisters and I am so happy that they agreed to be a special part of our day. Debbie in particular has been quite helpful with all the little questions that I have and all the near meltdowns that I nearly have. She is able to put out that fire and make me see things in a different light and then things aren't so bad. Debbie, Diane and Olivia are the ones throwing me a bridal shower and I am so excited. I feel so blessed to have the extended family that I do, they show so much love and support and always have. I am very lucky and I know that.

I am getting a little nervous as the time nears for me to send out my invitations and to get the replies for the attending and not attending notes. Cisco is telling me horror stories of people he works with who have guests who invite others and don't mention it or just put down that they will be bringing 4 additional people when only 2 were invited. It scares the living s*** out of me because, I don't want to have to deal with it. I'm hoping that the group of people that we have invited to our wedding are kind and polite enough to not do such things...but I guess it would be impossible to think that things will go flawlessly. I think that I would be in complete shock if it did actually.

Well hopefully as time get's closer the stress will start to lessen...I say that because I've been having nightmares about it all and I think I'm just stressing about things a little. I think I may be thinking about some things a little more than I should or that I think that I am.

In 5 months I will be getting married...
In 5 months I will be Melissa Salinas...

~M

Just a Waiting Game...

2010-02-28T01:44:00.000-08:00

So there is a little over 6 months until my big wedding blow out. I have been thinking long and hard about many aspects of this wedding and hoping that all of my effort and thought will pay off and be appreciated by my family and friends. I think that it will, but I guess that I am just thinking about it right now. Now is the time where we are just trying to get together money and pay things off slowly, and I'm telling you it feels like it is going slowly. Cisco and I have made a sheet that lists all of the expenses and the deposit amounts and the amounts that we have left to do. I have highlighted the ones that are completely paid off and left the others alone, I think this week or within the next couple weeks would be to highlight some more of those columns. I am hoping that we fall into some money soon...or that Cisco does if he does his taxes so that we can pay down a few more things.

I'm still torn on finding favors, but not completely. My mom and I went looking the other day and found some really cute ideas, so at least now I am not completely left feeling lost. Also, Cisco and I have decided on not getting a cake topper for our cake since after looking at the cake again we feel that it would take away from the beauty of the cake itself. I think this will be a good idea, I don't know where I would put another figurine anyway. I hope I don't regret the decision later though.

I think other than that, I am just waiting to see when Cisco will get it together and figure out the tuxes for him and the boys, as well as the limo and the room. I'm getting anxious, but I don't want to pester him quite yet about it.

~M

Now What...

2010-02-16T00:50:00.000-08:00

So there are some things that have been paid for completely, dress/invitations/etc, and then most things have a deposit down on them at least with the exception of the cake, makeup artist and I don't know if we will need one for the DJ or not, but we haven't looked at any rooms yet for the wedding party or the wedding night and we haven't looked in detail at the tuxes. I am waiting for the information from the florist and hopefully that will come in within the next couple of days.

Now what? I guess I just have to wait for the money to start rolling in, and making a plan every payday to see who gets a chunk of money, I'm thinking that I start paying off the small stuff first. Like the photographer, the cake, the videographer, etc. Then I can hit the bigger thing and the one that is the most stressing...the reception venue. I'm worried, but at the same time I know that everything will fall into place like it is supposed to do. I think that it just seems like there is so much that still needs to get done and unless I fall into a pile of cash soon, I am just going to have to take it one day at a time. I have everything picked out and partly paid for so I guess the hard part is done :)

7 Months...15 Days and Counting...

2010-01-27T00:11:00.000-08:00

It's getting closer. I still have to go and talk to a florist and actually hammer down some kind of budget I think. I started doing a seating chart for immediate family, but kind of figured since I was doing that I might as well do one for everyone else. I'm not sure how that is going to work out, but I'm I can figure it out. Payday is coming up so that means, putting money away and seeing if there are any other deposits that I will have to do ASAP so that I don't lose a vendor. It's getting kind of stressing and the other thing is I'm not sure what to do first. We haven't talked too much about the wedding, I think that Cisco is leaving a big part of this up to me, which is fine, but I need some imput from him about what the next step is and what we should focus on next. I know it will all work out, but it's just stressing thinking about it right now.

I am really excited though...I can't wait to walk down the aisle and see my husband. I can't wait to see my friends and family waiting there also. I can't wait to have my dad and step-dad walking me down the aisle. I can't wait to dance, eat, talk and have a great time with everyone that was looking forward to this moment as much as I was. I love the person that I am getting married to, I feel so lucky that I know all the good, bad and incredible things that I do about him and about us. I'm glad that we went through some serious s**t in the previous years, because now we know that we can withstand anything. I can't see anything breaking the bond that we share right now. It would have to be pretty damn bad to shake us up, at least me anyway.

I love you my dear and I hope I can wait the 7 months...15 days, then I will be your wife.

~M

Done...Done...Working...Done...

2010-01-17T01:39:00.000-08:00

So there have been a lot of things that have been accomplished in the last week or so, I'm sure a nice paycheck helped, but either way it was things that had to get done so that I wouldn't lose my mind!

We went to two bakeries and sampled cakes, we were able to decide on one of those places which was surpising and a great relief to me. I think that I was going to be overly picky about the cake. Let's face it, I know a little about cakes and I also knew what I was looking for in one as well as in a bakery. I was pleasantly surprised when we went to Little Chef's Bakery. They had a wonderful selection of cakes to chose from as well as being able to move flavorings around. The price was reasonable, however, I was willing to pay a half decent price for the cake. I didn't want to have to provide a sheet cake in the back for my guests, I just personally didn't like the idea of doing that. I felt that if I was I might as well go to WalMart and get a couple of sheet cakes and do the damn thing myself.

We put down the deposit on the reception and ceremony site. That was fun...not. It was but at the same time I thought I was going to toss my cookies in the parking lot after it was done. I think that it just hit me all at once what was going on, the money I was about to shell out for a party and the excitement and nerves of thinking about paying for MY wedding. I'm glad Cisco was there with me, I think I would have had a hard time otherwise.

When we finished there we went to go and order the Save The Dates, I felt excited to do it since we had our date locked in. I was scared to death to do it before that, I so didn't want to jinx it! They are cute, I can't wait to put them together and mail them out! Cisco and I weeded out some more of the invitations, so it left me with 4 to choose from and Olivia and her grandma came with me today to help me do that. Let's just say that at the end of Friday afternoon my brain was fried. I think I was a little snappy at Cisco. I didn't mean to but I think that I just felt like every time I got out of the car I was either writing a check or handing over my ATM card to some one, and it wasn't for a $25.00 bill either, more like a couple hundred. I think it was just the initial shock of it all though. I had just better get used to it, because it's going to be happening a lot in the very near future.

However, since I am thinking about it right at this moment I am quite glad that I have been doing everything that I have been. The following items are either done or on their way to getting done...

1. Wedding Dress - Done
2. Veil - Done
3. Jewelry - Done
4. Shoes - Done
5. Garter, Pillow, Guest Book, Flower Girl Basket - Almost Done
6. Save The Dates - Done
7. Invitations - Deposit Done
8. Venue - Deposit Done
9. Photographer picked out
10. Bakery picked out

I really do feel like I have done a lot in the little bit of time that I have been working on things. I am looking forward to not needing to owe anyone any money by the time my wedding day comes along. It's exciting...it's nerve wrecking...I'm happy. I know that it will be like a rollercoaster until the big day, with good days and moments but also with bad ones to. I think that it is just to be expected. I think that I will get through it and with a little help from God so will Cisco :-P

~M

Still So Unreal...

2010-01-09T03:46:00.000-08:00

I sit in my living room and text people for their addresses, look online at places that make wedding cakes and drag Cisco to finish registering. All the while, I feel like I am doing it all for another person. I don't know why, but it just doesn't feel like I'm the one getting married, I don't know if it all has not sunk in yet or what by I'm still in awe sometimes when I think about it. When I look at all the work I have already done for the wedding and when I look at all the work that I still have to do to get finished with it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, I can't wait and I am happy that I am ACTUALLY getting married, but I think that since I had waited for it for such a long time, it just seems unreal right now. I can't believe that next week I'm going to start paying for the biggest party of my life, and if you can believe it I am actually worried that people won't come. I think I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry all night if that actually happened, but I doubt that it will. I have such wonderful friends and family and I know they wouldn't do such a thing to me.

Sometimes I'll be driving to work and there will be a song that I love that comes on the radio and I turn it up and sing to it, and I think about how I want it to play at my wedding and then the little movie starts in my head. I think about my Father Daughter dance, I think about people wanting to dance with me because I'm the bride and I think about dancing with my Husband for the first time. I think about the cake, I think about the flowers and I think about all the people wanting to talk to us and congratulate us. I want to cry when I think about it, it just makes me so happy. The anticipation is horrible, but then I think of all the things that I still have to do and 7 months does not seem like a long enough time. I wish that all my bridesmaids lived in town, I guess it would make me feel better with the whole planning process. I'm in dark waters here, I have no clue what to do, where to go and in what order to do it all in. My mom never had a formal wedding and so she doesn't know either. I am relying on Olivia's aunts to help me along the way and they have been great. I email them with my long list of questions and concerns and they write me back with all the answers. I guess I'm just worried that we will run out of time or money...I think the money part will come first. That's why I'm saving asking my dad for anything until we really need it, then I won't feel so bad. :)

I'm excited and I just have to remember that all the worrying and eagerness will be worth it on September 11, 2010.

~M

Slowly But Surely...

2010-01-05T01:22:00.000-08:00

Things haven't come to a halt exactly, but I'm just afraid to really move forward with the planning until the deposit is down at our reception/ceremony venue which will be next week. Then I can order my save the dates as well as start talking to the cake and catering people. I am excited and I know that things are going to start moving along at a pretty quick pace from here on out. Which is good, but I'm hoping that they hire another ordertaker soon, or it's going to get really tough really fast. I've been working a lot of overtime, which is good, but I'm just too tired most of the time to do the research that I should be doing when I am at home.

Next week will probably consist of the following things getting done...if I'm up to it...

~ Place deposit
~ Order Save the Dates
~ Talk with flower person
~ Talk with at least 2 cake people
~ See if Nordstrom still has the necklace that I want to buy for the big day
~ Call hair dresser and find out a time line
~ Call makeup artist to set up dry run of makeup sometime soon
~ Take Cisco and finish registering

I think that this list is one that could possibly get done...if I get home and sleep at least 5 hours after work. This is when I wish I was still working for Rick full time. I would be able to do everything that needed to be done (or at least the things that I want to get done by this point)and not have any problems. But the good thing with this job is that with all the overtime I can put more money away right now. I think that I have to come to a decision on the invitations as well because I want to put down the deposit for that as well so I don't run into any problems later.

We will see, I just know that I will have to enlist the help of my dear Husband to be...and I know that he will help me, he knows that it's the best thing to do :)

~M

Now We Can Focus On Planning...

2009-12-28T00:35:00.000-08:00

So since Christmas is offically over, family is gone, kids go back to school and everything is going to be returning to normal soon I can offically focus on planning the wedding. The deposit is going to be made in early January and the venue has agreed to hold the date until then. We have registered at one place and now I just have to make sure Cisco goes with me to another so we can finish it. The one project that I did do was to make a wedding website, which was quite fun. We have had 53 site visits to it, but only one person left a comment...which makes me wonder who has been looking at it. I'm sure that it's out there for more than just my guests but I still wonder.

Two of my bridesmaids have come with me to go and look at dresses and we were actually able to pick some out. It was quite exciting actually. I still feel in a daze when I go to do wedding stuff though, I guess because it still feels like it's not really happening. I guess 30 is a good age to get married. That number still sounds so old to me, at least when I say it out loud. It will be nice though I'm excited. I only have to wait for another couple of months to order my little flower girl's dress, Olivia's dress and I have to wait unitl my little nephew is born before my MOH can order her dress. I think I will be on pins and needles until that time comes, only because of the time lines that the girl at the store told me about. I guess that is something that is to be expected though and I shouldn't be surprised, I'm sure that feeling is not going to be fleeing soon.

Well I think the next big project will be to pick out the cake and flowers, that scares the S*** out of me, just by looking at all of the prices and everything. We have picked out a cake, now we just have to find a baker that we (I) trust and think that can do what I want as far as the design goes. I guess I should talk to Cisco and see what flavoring of cake he would want, I know he wants Tiramisu, but I don't know if they are able to do it. We will see soon though.

~M

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

2009-12-17T22:16:00.000-08:00

We know where the wedding is going to be, we know what day (as long as we can get the deposit together soon), we know who is going to be in the wedding party, the dress - shoes - tiara and veil have been picked out. Now comes the interesting part...the invitations, cake, flowers, hotel, makeup person...etc. All of the decisions that are most definately going to give me a headache in the long run. I'm trying to get help from my little fiance, however, he's not all that interested in some of it. I ask him to help me pick things out and he does to a certain point but, then he tells me to make the final decision. You would think that it would be nice to have full power of some of the decision making...I can get what I want! But it's so much harder because I have to take into consideration price and all that stuff. I wish I could just walk into a store and say, "I'll take that, and that and that" But like every other bride, it's just very rarely like that. It's ok, it's just more time consuming I guess.

When I started doing the planning, I was thinking how easy it was going to be to plan it. I knew what I wanted so it would be simple to pick out the final products, but it wasn't. I know what I want but then there is finding the store or vendor that may have it, but then put price into the equation. Tricky, tricky.

I know what kind of bouquets I want, but can I afford it? If I can't will I be able to come up with an option that I can live with and not cringe at when thinking about it? The same with the cake. It's so scary! I don't want to look at my wedding pictures and say...I really didn't like my cake or my flowers, but otherwise it was nice. I just think those are the things that you will remember and I want to come to compromises that I am happy with, I don't want to settle.

And with all the decisions comes tons upon tons of questions...should I have a seating chart? Do the bridesmaids pay for their dresses, shoes and hair to be done or do I? What is the etiquite for letting people know where you're registered at? I thought that reading all these wedding magazines would help me, but it's just putting more are more questions in my head, I'm left spinning. I look to Cisco for answers but he looks like he wants to hide and not come out until September.

I know it will all work itself out, but right now it's just seeming like a lot.

~M

Themed Weddings...

2009-12-03T10:20:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if it was a mistake or a really good idea but....while listening to a song that Cisco was saying could be our song to dance to I had mentioned how it would be funny if the theme was an 80's wedding. I was just kidding but you should have seen how is face lit up and then the ideas started pouring out of his mouth..."I could have a blue tux!" That was enough for me...I regretted the words that had escaped my mouth right away.

After thinking about it and talking about how fun it would be I'm slowly considering it...only considering.

But how do you put a elegant ceremony (outfits and all) mixed with an 80's themed reception without doing aqua net hairstyles and trashy leg warmer type dresses for the girls to wear at the altar? I think that is the one thing that I am fighting with internally. When I say no to the idea Cisco starts with, "you're such a party pooper!" so I do want a different wedding, but it would have to still come out tasteful.

So let the ideas begin...

~M

This Must Be What They Talk About...

2009-12-02T20:07:00.000-08:00

So I think that we have finally come to the point in planning this wedding where you butt heads together. When we first talked about the wedding we talked about having it in Northern California, we talked about Southern California and when those prospects were discussed with my mom...she said she may not come because it's too far out of the way for her to go. Cisco clearly looked more upset about what she said than I did. At that point I could care less because this was my wedding and I was going to have it where I wanted to have it regardless of who decided to come or not.

So I think after sleeping on it for a night, Cisco had mentioned how we could have the wedding here and it may, 1. Be easier since all of the vendors would be close and in town for us to go and look at. and 2. We could have more of our very close friends and family coming to the wedding. When he brought it up I mentioned to him how the number of invited people would be going up and he said he was aware of it.

So, at that point it was settled the wedding would be in Vegas afterall. I think the only rule that we both felt was valid is that we didn't want to have it at a Casino. Now that idea is still moving forward for the time being, and I have looked forward to planning this larger wedding. I personally don't think that it's too many people, because when I look at the list I wonder constantly how do I not invite some of these people without offending them. Many of them are very close family friends and family period. So I started looking at venues and other things...I've already picked out and purchased a dress that I have fallen in love with and have been looking forward to a real wedding; dancing, photographer, cake, food, drinks and lots of family to celebrate with.

Now due to the cost of some of these venues Cisco is backing up and turning around and saying how he wants to go on a beach somewhere the two of us to have the wedding. Which sounds wonderful, but now I'm longing for something else. I'm sure he is feeling the way he is because, 1. He doesn't want to spend a lot of money (which I don't either, but it will all work out.) and 2. He's already had the big wedding thing and it's not as important to him. I hope that he is able to see how important to me and I hope that we can work together to come to an agreement on something...

~M

November 26, 2009...

2009-11-27T18:02:00.000-08:00

It had been decided a couple of weeks ago that since I would have to work on my actual birthday that Cisco and I would go out for dinner on Thanksgiving, since I would be off from work for sure on that night. I also enjoyed the idea because I would definately steer clear of any family drama at my mom's if there should be any, and that's always a good thing.

That morning Cisco had suggested going to Olives at the Bellagio, and I had never been there and neither had he, so it sounded like a great plan. We arrived fairly early, so we walked around and looked at the atrium set up that they had, was amazed at how long the line for the Buffet was, but I was just amazed at how busy they were period. It was Thanksgiving, and I knew that there were people that didn't celebrate that holiday so they would come to Vegas, but I've never been out to witness it. We walked over near the "O" theater and looked at the scuptures, then went to the bar, had a drink and watched some football. Cisco swore he saw Vince Vaughn so I turned around and when I faced forward again, slightly disapointed I saw tickets for "O" in front of me. That was my birthday present. I loved it, I've wanted to see the show for a long time, but never was interested in paying the ton of money that the tickets seem to always cost for it.

After our drinks we headed over to Olives in hopes of getting a table early, it wasn't ready so we had ordered a drink at the bar. While sitting there we looked around the restaurant and it was packed. We looked towards the window and noticed that they had patio seating, Cisco had asked what if they seat us outside. I was clearly against it, because it was cold and I am still getting over a really nasty cold that lingered forever. I had told him that they would have to stick that warmer over me and under the table for me to even consiter it.

The hostess came over to us to take us to the table and headed straight for the door to the patio. I was not real enthusiastic, but not willing to complain about anything. I was so surprised when we went to our seats because it was really nice and warm under those heaters, ok, so I was wrong. Our table was right at the railing so we had a beautiful view of the water show that came on throughout the dinner as well as the view of the strip. There was no wind and no clouds so it was a perfect evening.

We had such a wonderful dinner, a nice bottle of wine, and so many people romancing us with their music, from Frank Sinatra (Fly Me To The Moon), Sara Brightman and Andrea Bocelli (Time to Say Goodbye) with wonderful water works also.

While sitting there we were talking and Cisco had told me that he loved me, said he didn't have a ring right at that moment to give me, but took my had and told me how much he loved me and how he wanted to marry me. He wanted us to be alone, with no family, no kids, no dogs, so that we could have that moment together. I cried and said yes, kissed quite and bit and I cried some more.

We went to the show later and didn't let go of eachother throughout the whole show.

For all of you that have been near and dear to me for many years, you know that this relationship has been through quite a bit, but has endured all of the ups and downs. Like all realationships and facts of life things fall and get scratched, souls included, but it's about how you pick up the pieces and try to make them whole again. In that I think that we have succeeded. I don't think that it's quite fair to say "About time" when talking about our engagement only because there is a lot more to our history, his and mine, that have to go into account, I think that this engagement came when the time was right and the time is finally here so that is good. I'm thankful for all the family and friends that I have gained along the way, and I so look forward to all of the wonderful memories that I still have to gain.

To my Desmond...

I love you more than life itself. I have spent 9 years with you and in those 9 years, we have been through quite a bit. I'm so thankful that I have never given up on us...and I'm glad that you have done the same. In these 9 years you have gained a son and I a daughter. I couldn't be more proud of the family that we have become and what lays in our future. I'm so excited and I can't wait till we go over that bridge and begin the new chapter of our life together. I love you so much my love and couldn't ask for anything more than what I have in you and us. I love you and I'm so excited to be able to tell people that I have a fiance and not a boyfriend. I can't wait to be Melissa Salinas...

~M

Proud To Be A Fan...

2009-11-14T20:48:00.000-08:00

It's been a really long time since I have written anything on here, mostly because I just didn't have any interest in writing anything, or had much to write about. The usual things have been going on, no work in the construction industry, kids going to school and getting big, and having dogs. The only things that are fairly new is that my brother is getting married and I'm going to be an official aunt in Feburary. I'm excited for that...but most of all about a two months ago I was informed that I would be an employee of the Mandarin Oriental Las Vegas. I'm so excited. There are only 450 employees and I am one of them...one out of 32,000 that tried to have an interview and work for this company. So far so good. This is the best company that I have worked for so far and if it keeps going the way I think it will then it will be a place that I will retire from. All of the managers that I have spoken to such as the the Room Service Manager have been working for the company for a fairly short amount of time, but have moved up quite quickly. I think this is due to the property being small and they recognize their employees, better than what I can say for other corporate places. I'm so excited for the opening that we have coming up very soon. December 5 is the big day. We've been so busy doing things around the hotel like setting up the rooms, and so much training. I don't think I've done so much in my whole life, but I think it's all going to be worth it.

I've been working 6 days and an average of 8-9 hours a day. It's rough, going from having a schedule that I could make on my own and having time off when I wanted it. I think that it will all come together and I will get used to it, I work graveyard and that is something that I will definately have to get used to doing again. But for the most part I'm happy and proud to be working for such a great place. I can't wait till it's all finished.

~M

My Daddy...

2009-08-31T00:10:00.000-07:00

The way I miss him tonight would make me think that he is still living in Seattle, but he's not. He is here in town, but I don't see him much anymore.

While poking around my Ipod to listen to something relaxing and away from the norm I came across a CD that he introduced to me years ago when I was in elementary school. I remember that he had the record, and we would listen to it while sitting at the kitchen table talking about whatever happened to come across our thoughts. There were so many things in my childhood that were sad and sometimes unfortunate when it came with me living with my dad, but that is for another day.

When I hear this music, which is poetry set to classical music, it just reminds me of him and all the time we would spend, usually beyond any normal kids bedtime just talking and hanging out. He would play old Buddy Holly records that he had and we would just have fun, sometimes we would be doing laundry together, cooking dinner or cleaning up the house. He worked hours where I didn't see him with the exception of his days off and when those days came I wanted to just soak them in. It always seemed like a cruel twist of fate that I would have to go to school when I could be hanging out by the pool with him for the day. I love my dad so much, no matter what other circumstances there were.

I wish he would take me up on my offer and visit more often, but I don't hold grudges, not to him. I understand how he is and I accept it. The desire to be able to listen to music that reminds me of him and to just enjoy it completely is hard becuase all I can do is think back on those days we had when I was a kid. I wish I could have those days back. I wish that I could go back and just take more of it in sometimes.

My mom could never understand why to this day I love going to the grocery store so much, when she just can't stand it. When I explain to her that that was one of the activities that my dad and I would do on his days off then she understood, but it's just little things like that.

I really hope that when I am old and gray Anthony and Olivia can have little things that may just be as simple as a song or a book to remind them of happy times that they had with Cisco and I.

I love you Dad, always and forever.

~M

I Know I'm Not The Only One...

2009-08-22T19:01:00.001-07:00

Do you know how much I hate this stupid drawer? I hate, hate, hate it! In order to download all my pictures from Seattle, 4th of July and some other things I had to find the card that would hold my memory card that would fit into my computer. Well of course I keep this card usually either in my purse pocket (just in case I get the urge to print something up when I'm at Target) or in the drawer at home. I know that everyone has one of these drawers...the junk drawer.

The drawer that things go into and usually never are seen again. I went diving into this drawer to find my chip and the minute I opened it was instantly pissed. I know that it hadn't been too long before that I went through this drawer to find something and while pulling out handfull after handfull of miscellaneous crap (and that's what most of it is...crap) I had enough and just started throwing stuff away. I didn't care what it was at this point...some kind of magnet, trash. Some papers and receipts, trash. Buttons, pencils, pens, cards, and the list goes on and on and on. Most of it ended up in the trash. Then I proceeded to go upstairs and find some drawer organizers, then everything went into a little bin. Ahhhh...much, much better. I was so happy. I instantly showed off my work to Cisco when he came home. I don't think there was much for him to say. I told him I got tired of digging through crap and I think even a couple of times getting pinned by a tack or needle, that it was time to get rid of stuff...so I did.

Well the same thing happened this time. I think what baffles me more is that most of this stuff is his. I couldn't tell you how many cords I found in there. I know that one went to my Palm, one for Anthony's Ipod, one for Cisco's phone/my Ipod, but I have no idea what the other ones are for. I don't understand why we have this huge thing that resembles a 19th century battery, but it doesn't look like you can plug anything into it, you can just stick it into the wall. It's just too much sometimes.

I know that my mom has one of these drawers...she has two in the kitchen actually, and 3 in her bedroom. What amazes me about that is I see her go through them and instead of getting rid of stuff she hunts for what she needs and then piles everything up and shoves it all back...OMG! It drives me crazy. I can't stand that stuff. I put up with the drawer for a little while then I have to go through and just trash stuff.

We had the same thing going on right above the drawer. We keep mail and papers up there. Well when I go through the mail I open and trash what I don't need ASAP and put bills and other things where they need to go, well Cisco likes to keep his mail (afraid it may bite him if he should open it I guess) so I will end up getting a gift bag and shoving all his stuff into it once it hits a certain height. I hated doing that because there was more than one bag a few times. Oh, the desire to throw the whole thing away! But instead I told him I was going to open his mail and then bought a little mail organizer, it's working as of right now, I'm staying on top of it so I don't have to go crazy.

I really hope it's just not me that has this little problem.

~M

Flashback To Spring Break 2009...

2009-07-07T22:37:00.000-07:00

With all the crap going on at home, school and with the kids being out of school and them going on all kinds of trips I haven't had a chance to post some pics...not that many people check out blogger anymore, it's nice to put this stuff down in my little online diary to read later. I'm not good enough with Facebook to do this and quite frankly it just takes too long for me right now, I'm not good enough and I can't really write all this stuff on Facebook.

Anthony and I went to Disneyland while Olivia went to Kansas City over Spring Break. I swear it seems like it was a century ago...it doesn't seem like it was only a couple of months ago. There has just been so much stuff going on lately! The above picture was when we were waiting in line for an hour for the fairly new Toy Story ride at California Adventure, I love that ride, that is really close to being one of my faves! I could stand in that line more than once in a day to ride it. I wish I had the picture athat my best friend took of me our Senior year when we went to Disneyland over Spring Break because he took a picture of me doing the same thing, it was so funny. I think what made it even better was that Anthony was laughing the whole time cause he thought someone would see him doin' it. Anthony pissed off that I am making him ride Splash Mountain...

Anthony pissed that he had to ride it but...still not over it, lol. Eventhough we were done with the ride.

We had fun going to the Animation Studio drawing Minnie Mouse.

Can't remember if I had ever taken a picture with Mickey! We were the second ones, got there at the perfect time!

Anthony hittin' on Princess Anna.

We had so much fun, it went by way too fast! Good thing we go back pretty often!

~M

One Of The Saddest Days...

2009-06-25T23:17:00.001-07:00

I can't remember the last time I heard news that was so sad...to have two very influential people pass away in one day.

Farrah Fawcett was sick for quite a while and even though it wasn't just as shocking and as sad I think that people were just waiting to see how much longer she could hang on. I think that God was on her side since she had the money to travel to Germany and get treatments done, when there are many people that have had the same kind of cancer that she had and could not. I think those treatments definately helped her live a little longer than doctors may have originally expected. I didn't really grow up watching her and didn't know much about her except that she was a "Charlie's Angel". My thoughts are prayers are definately with her family this evening though.

Michael Jackson on the other hand was a complete shock. My brother's girlfriend first texted me about him passing away and right away I brought up CNN on my computer to see what was going on, and it was just saying that he was rushed to the hospital and there was nothing else to report at that time. My mouth dropped to the floor when I saw that he had passed away a few minutes later and I cried. It just didn't seem real. Michael Jackson couldn't have died, not yet. He was just way too young. I know that he has had a questionable past these last few years, but regardless he was truly a legend. So many landmark moves in his career and music. I grew up listening to Michael Jackson and watching his video's on MTV, I always thought that for the most part his music was just great. I never thought that at such a young age I would hear such news of an icon that I could relate to. I am thankful in one way to know that he has passed on to a better place because now he can truly be in peace. My heart goes out to his kids and family and I hope that he gets more positive than negative press on his life.

~M

Appendix Anyone...

2009-06-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

I was doing so good, going to the gym nearly everyday. I think I may have taken one day off during the week, but even then I felt guilty for doing so. I was really getting into bike riding. Was going pretty far, and getting good at it. I was losing weight, I could notice all my clothes fitting looser.

I went on a little mini shopping spree to get a couple new things for the new me. I didn't want to get too much because, I was going to be getting smaller...and pretty fast if I kept going the way I was. Unfortunately for me, one day after I bought those new clothes I got a nasty surprise.

The next day I was feeling so cold, just all of a sudden. I was shocked. The kids had come home from my mom's house and I was freezing, I had a fever! I didn't have a cough, runny nose, aches or anything. I felt fine besides being so damn cold. So later on that night it just got worse. The fever got worse and I had this unbearable pain in my lower back. I actually had to call Cisco to leave work early on an inventory night to come home. That's how bad it was.

That night it just got worse, and the next day it was bad bad. Around the afternoon Cisco took me to the ER. My blood pressure was pretty low and I still had the fever. The doctor thought that I had kidney stones or a kidney infection so he ordered a CAT scan and when he came in a couple of hours later he looked baffled and started pressing on my belly to make sure there was no pain, and when I said no he thought it was strange because I needed to get my appendix taken out. I was so shocked and upset when he told me. Cisco had been in the room with me all afternoon, and the one time that I sent him out to get me something is when the doctor came in to tell me that! He said that I would have to get my appendix taken out that day.

So at about 7:00 that night I was minus one appendix. It wasn't as bad as I thought. They did it through my belly button and two other holes in my belly, so at least it wasn't a big cut in my side or anything. The doctor that did the surgery originally thought that there wasn't anything wrong with my appendix but the test came back and it was.

I'm glad that it is over with now. I have about another 4 weeks until I will be back in full working order. I can't lift anything over 25 pounds, I can't run, I can't bike, I can't swim, I can't do much of anything. I can walk that's about it. I get pretty down sometimes because I think of how long it took me to get the endurance and the ability to want to go to the gym and work out everyday and now it's all been spoiled. I just don't want to get back to where I was before. I just have to get out and walk everyday. I just have to make sure it gets done and I don't fall off the wagon...:)

~M

To Overcome The Past...

2009-05-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

When I went into 6th grade I was a little on the chubby side. Not a fat kid per se, but just chubby. I had spent all summer at my mom's across town and didn't really have any friends in that neighborhood. I did however have my favorite movie at the time "Steel Magnolias", a telephone to call my cousin constantly and watch movies while on the phone with each other and a house full of food. That just spelled disaster, but I didn't see that one, I was only 11 for crying out loud. But when my mom and I went for new school clothes she was just as shocked as I was when my old sizes didn't quite fit the same way. Starting school that year just sucked. Other kids made me feel like crap about how I looked, and what a difference one summer had made on my body. I think personally the final straw was while I was at lunch and having a milkshake my bra snapped in half from the back. Now, chances are that since my dad and I didn't have much money laying around and we made everything last as long as possible my bra was just old and I needed another one. But, while I was walking to my Reading teachers room so that she could help me pin it or something I was just plain humiliated. I couldn't believe that happened to me, I was positive it was because of that summer weight that I had gained...and the last thing I needed that day was a milkshake.

My dad worked nights so he wasn't home to make dinner or make sure I went to bed on time, that meant I could do what I wanted. He bought food for the house, but since I couldn't make much else but frozen dinners or sandwiches the variety was not much to brag about. I decided that I would do laps in our pool, a lot of them, and just not eat. I heard of other girls at school doing it and it sounded like the perfect thing for me. I swam and swam, and tried not to eat anything. I would eat but it would be a cracker, or a carrot and maybe some celery. I was just shedding the pounds, I was so happy. Everyone was saying such nice things to me, I was so happy. My dad gave me $20.00 a month for my school lunch, he would hand me the $20 at the beginning of the month and tell me to make it last. So I took the $20 and saved it instead, he never knew. I would save it and then go to the Clothestime that was down the street or to Thrifty to buy makeup with it. My dad didn't have money to get me those kinds of things so I just saved my food money and bought things with that. I had a lot of friends and they came over all the time, so I would always ask them if they were hungry and feed them what I would have normally ate, and he didn't know the difference either. I think about once a week I would try to eat a dinner that he got me, but it was hard. I just didn't' want to get fat again.

The only problem with my little plan was that on the weekends I would have to go to my mom's house. Well her and my step-dad were there...all the time. It was nothing like being at my house with my dad. So she would make breakfast, lunch and dinner. Well I just never wanted to eat any of it, and I was going to be damned if I was going to get fat again over a weekend. My mom started to catch onto what was going on, because I would just move my food around my plate so that it looked like I ate. I would tell her that I went with my cousin on a walk and ate at his house and that was why I wasn't too hungry for dinner. I don't think she was buying into it after about the third weekend. She didn't see me as much as my dad did and she could tell that I was getting to small, even with the baggy clothes on. She saved my dinner one night and told me I would eat it in the morning. When the morning came and I told her I was still not hungry she vowed to tell my dad what was going on and if that happened I knew what that meant...babysitter at night. No way was I going to have that freedom taken away. So I slowly started to eat. Very slowly. I just hated it. I was able to wear a bikini and look good in it and short shorts if I wanted to. It was great. But when I started eating again I realized that I felt better in general. I didn't realize how tired I was all the time was because I wasn't eating, because that tiredness went away. So I learned my lesson. It was hard, cause I was kind of on my own to make sure I was doing the right thing and not falling back into the old habit. I would every once and a while but it didn't last long.

I was telling Cisco last night that those old feelings are coming back. I am finding myself wanting to work out all the time, and I don't want to eat anything. I am getting to where when I look in the mirror I am just disgusted at how I look and that it's not coming off fast enough. I know where this obsession is going to lead me if I'm not careful, I'm so glad that I have someone that loves me and that I am so comfortable to talk to about everything to. I wanted to share how I felt with Cisco so that I could hear myself say it, so that I wouldn't do what I did so many years ago. I keep telling myself that I need to eat so that I can work out and look good when I get thinner and not a saggy bag of gross bones like I see at the gym so often. I have to eat and stay healthy for my kids and so that I can set a good example for them. The last thing that I would want to see is Olivia go through the same thing. There is enough pressure from kids and TV that she will have to deal with, dealing with something like that at the house would be the worst thing that I could do to both of them.

I am trying to stay out of that mind set but it is hard, I had done it for so long. I thought those feelings were long and gone, but I guess it is something that will always be there, I just have to know how to get through it. Thankfully, when Cisco goes to work at night, I'm not there alone with my former self. I'm there with my kids, who keep me busy and help me think positive all the time.

I will lose this weight, but in a safe way this time around. That is something that I can proudly say.

~M

Just Catchin' Up...

2009-05-07T21:58:00.000-07:00

I thought that I would let everyone in on what is going on besides killing myself at the gym. During Spring Break Anthony and I went to Disneyland, just the two of us. We had never done that before and it was so much fun. I think Olivia and I will do it next year. I know that I won't have to fight with her as much to ride some things like I did with Anthony. We had so much fun!!! I will have to post some pics when I get around to it, I hate trying to do that, it takes so long sometimes.

We have been very busy with school activites and plays. Olivia was in High School Musical at school, Anthony is going to have a Famous Nevadan Show at school he is going to be Kit Carson. We have to go and buy the clothes for it still.

School gets out in June and then the kids will be off and running for 3 months. They are going to Kansas City and Virginia for two weeks this summer, but I know there will be some camping trips thrown in there, so it should be fun.

A friend of mine and I made a deal that we will have lost enough weight to be comforatable enough in swim suits in public that we will get a cabana at one of the pools on the strip for the day. I think that will be so much fun. I'm looking forward to it.

Mother's Day is this weekend and each year it gets better as the kids get older. They get more creative and more excited about doing things with me that day. They are always worried about buying me something but I always tell them that I want them to make me things. Anthony and Olivia made a menu for breakfast on Mother's Day for me to choose from. So I have to circle what I want. The name of the resaurant is called "IMOM'S" It's so cute. I'm excited to see what they have planned for the day. Maybe I will do a little slip and slide with them outside on Sunday. I will have to remember to take pictures of the kids, with me not in them...lol.

I am registered for school for the Summer as well as for the Fall. I'm almost done, I only have two semesters after the fall...I think that is all that I have, then I am done and I can stress out about paying for UNLV. Lucky me. Well I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

~M

Just Keep Going...Just Keep Going...

2009-04-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

So since my last post I've been running, walking briskly, running up hills at the park and playing outside with the kids more. I know that it hasn't been a full week, I think I am one day shy but I thought I would check in like I promised.

I am feeling so good about myself since I promised myself a new lease on life. I go out and do something everyday, with only Sunday as my day off. I run, not real fast but I do it the best I can and as far and often as I can to help build some endurance. I went with Cisco the other day and I thought that I was going to die. I'm glad that he went because I wouldn't have pushed myself that hard or far. Now I know that I can go as far as we did running and make it. I just have to try for a little further each time I go. The only problem is the turn around the corner from where we stopped was uphill from there, I guess that's my next challenge, running uphill.

Today I am going to buy a new scale the one we have is a piece of junk. I weighed myself in the morning and it said 215 and later on in the day I did it again and it said 212.5. It's a miracle you can lose 3.5 pounds in one day! So since the scale cannot give me an accurate reading I'm going to buy one that can. I can't go to the gym everyday to weigh myself.

My challenge right now is eating smaller portions of food at a sitting. I don't eat a lot right now as it is, but I would like to cut the portion size in half. I have to learn to eat 6 small healthy meals each day instead of Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Which is pretty much what I'm doing now, and then eating fruit or yogurt in between. I found this really great website www.livestrong.com/thedailyplate it's great, you can keep track of all your calories, your workout sessions, water you take in everyday, it's just got everything. You put in your weight and your weight loss goal for the week and it gives you how many calories that you should be having each day to achieve that goal. A friend of mine also said that there is an application for iPhone on there too, for those of you that have one.

It's been a challenging week, Cisco and the kids have been great about not letting me give any excuses for not going out there and at least taking a walk everyday and I'm so happy that they are doing that. I haven't had an ounce of fast food since I posted last week either, and my soda intake has drastically dropped (mostly because when I drink it I get headaches or don't feel too good after). So all in all I think I am off to a good start, now I just have to keep it up. I'm going to take it one week at a time and before I know it I will be there.

~M

A New Day...A New Beginning...

2009-04-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

As the sun rises I am reminded of my commitment to myself. I need a new beginning. I need a new start. I need to stop making promises to others and deals with some and come to the reality that I need to do this for myself and no one else. I talked to Cisco about this the other night, but I wonder how much of the conversation he remembers...

I am willing to put myself out there completely, to be vulnerable, to be held accountable for my own actions. It may just be an online diary, but I know that some very close friends of mine read this and knowing that it's worth it to me.

I have said so many times before that I vow to lose weight and I'm going to start today, I'm going to the gym, I'm going to make a deal with whom ever to lose so much in this time frame...but I always fail at my vow and go back to the way things were. No more. I'm done. I'm tired of walking by the nice outfits and wishing that I could buy some but instead have to walk into the fat girl section of the store. I'm tired of not wanting to wear shorts in the summer in fear of how I would look in them. I want to go to the swimming pool with the kids and get in without feeling fat and gross. I don't know anyone that likes to feel that way. I want to start shopping in the Misses section of the store again and not the Women's. I want to start shopping at Victoria's Secret again and not at Lane Bryant. I'm just done.

I only work 3 days a week right now, and I have no excuses. I thought about it today too...think about all the time that we sit in front of the T.V. or reading books, magazines or are on the computer. Hours a day. But for some reason there is always the excuse of not having enough time in the day to workout and take care of yourself. I know that when I get home from work I think of all the things I still have to do, get dinner ready for the kids, help with homework and any other chores. But it's staying lighter later and we have dogs and there is a park right down the damn street. So now what is the excuse? There is always one that I can think of, but no more.

I have a goal. I really, really, really want to participate in a Marathon. Just to prove to myself that I can. I can't run for s***, but I think that I can fix that. I think the biggest reason why I can't run right now is because I am 90 pounds over weight and my body is telling my fat ass to get home and watch some T.V. instead of working out.

I am addicted to The Biggest Loser. I think it's the greatest show, it's just so inspiring. I think that I have to take that as a clue to stop sitting and watching it and doing it. If people are on there that are 360 pounds and climbing a mountain then I think that I can do it too. Yes, given that they are there for months and all they do is work out it makes it look so easy. But I know first hand that it will be a real bitch to get into this thing. I have to keep up a routine and just do it. Summer heat or not no more excuses.

I am 220 pounds...how does that happen!!!! I look at pictures of myself and am just grossed out. I personally don't think I look that big, but pictures tell such a different story. I know that the weight started when I was taking shots for birth control and they had steroids in them, I gained 10 pounds a year for 4 years from that. That's a lot, then I never did anything about it and it just got worse. It didn't help that I was in a relationship with someone that loved me regardless, so of course that was that. I'm tired of seeing that number.

I know that I am alone in my little battle and I will have to fight the war alone, but I know I can do it. I have the goal in my sight and even though it was hard to write it down and embarrassing I wrote that horrible number down. I've decided to update this every week to help myself see progress. I was going to put a photo up, but I'm just not THAT brave....

Today is my Monday and I'm so excited to find myself again...

~M

Trying To Stay Hopeful...

2009-04-02T21:16:00.001-07:00

I'm really trying. It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks, I've just been down. Really down, I try my best to put on happy faces and smile when the time is appropriate but it's so tiring at the end of the day to pretend to be something that I am not...happy. I know that I have to look at the bigger picture and see what I have in front of me, and I try to everyday, but there are just some things that have been bothering me for so long and the aren't getting any better.

One great example would be the enormous feat of trying to get to the gym with no interruptions and nothing stopping me from going. My whole weight loss plan thing is out the window...again. I am coming close to defeat, I'm going to try to stay very with it this coming week since the kids are not in school and I will not be working much I can go and hopefully that will help things, see I try to keep it positive.

One other example is the job hunting, I'm sure that this is the same all around this country and it's so exhausting. I see ads all the time, I apply for jobs ALL THE TIME and never once have I recieved a call back. Oh, I had a bite for City Center, but now since they have been in the S*** I wouldn't be surprised if I got that one now. Even if I did they won't even offer me the job until September. That's right, SEPTEMBER! What the hell am I supposed to do til then! I'm down to 3 days a week now and I'm sure soon it will be cut down more, but all I can do is keep putting applications in and hope that McDonalds calls next week.

Cisco has been great through this whole thing and so have the kids. I know that I probably give them a harder time than I need to, and I try really hard to not have the little things get to me right now, because believe me it's easy for those little things to set me over the edge. I had a melt down last week and thought that all hope was lost. I was ready to jump out our second story window, but Cisco just layed there with me in our room and didn't say much of anything, he just let me get it all out, tears and all. I think that's why I love him so much. I think most guys would have gone into the living room and let their woman be. "Oh, I'll give her the space she soooo needs right now and when she's ready she will come out" Now I must admit that Cisco had done this before, but not when I seemed to be so sad and woeful. It's nice to know that person is there, it is a sign of support and understanding. Even if he does nothing but sit there with you through it.

I love you baby, maybe it's my turn to have someone to lean on in my time of need, and I am so glad that it is you that is there for me to lean on.

Love you forever babe...

~M

Sometimes I Wonder...

2009-03-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

June 28th will be 9 years with Cisco. Nine years. That's a long time. I didn't think that this relationship would have lasted this long. I didn't think that it would last 1, I was surprised when that rolled around. So now every year its an amazing feat as far as I am concerned. I love him so much and he tells me the same, which I do believe. We have gotten into some heated arguments over the years, and I think the most obvious is marriage. I have always found it so difficult to talk to my friends about the subject because as a female the obvious questions that you ask your friends are, "It's been a couple of years and he still hasn't asked, what do I do?" Most answers are to leave, make an ultimatum, or just deal with it and ultimately be ok with it. I have had to do the latter, not because I want to but because I don't really have any choice unless I want to leave, and that isn't really much of an option right now.

I have always thought that my situation with this relationship always sucked when it came from getting dating advice from friends or family. Normally it's easy to get from people because someone has been in the same situation that you may be in at the moment and it's easy to get the advice. I have never been able to do that because I don't know anyone that has dated a widow. So all the advice that I have received over the years has been thrown straight into the circular file. So I am a lone sheep looking for guidance, swimming the unknown waters the best I can. I've come a long way on my own, all of it a learning experience. I can't say all of it was a good one, but a learning experience all the same. An example would have been that when we first got together I was so naive, I guess that I thought that it was normal or ok to be hidden away from the world when you are dating someone who was married before. It was understandable for us in a way because we worked together, but the same followed suit when we were out of work too. I didn't meet any family, except his brother and Olivia. No one else could know about me. I wondered why for the longest time and then put my foot down one night. That was it, I had it. If we were together then we were together and if he didn't want to let me see the light of day then he didn't need to be dating me any longer. That lasted for quite a while, I think a little over a year. I honestly don't know anyone that would put up with that, so I'm pretty proud of myself for doing so.

Dealing with the mood swings, depression, indecisiveness on our relationship, breaking up, getting back together, living there for weekends or weeks at a time, but not wanting to "move in" together. I have done it all. I hope someone comes to me with advice some day. I should write a book actually. I guess after a while it just takes a toll on you and you wonder what your place is in the relationship. I have wondered that so much.

I wondered that a lot recently. I believe in God, I believe that when you are facing judgement God will look at you and look at your life and will decide where you belong. I would hope that I will be allowed to go into heaven. I would hope that all the good things that I have done in my life will cancel out the bad and especially me staying in a relationship where the man I love doesn't have an interest in marrying me. I will tell you that I wonder how much of him not wanting to marry me has to do with me or with his issues at hand. I am beginning to not care anymore, not about him not wanting to marry me (I will always care about that) just about the reasons that he doesn't want to. It really sucks to know that I am not the one. To know that I am second best. To know that when I go to heaven I won't be with him. He will be with her. It really sucks and makes me so deeply hurt and sad that sometimes I don't know what to do but to close up. To know that if he had a choice it wouldn't be me. I think that is why when he tells me how much he loves me and cares for me I don't believe him, I know that he does, but I always wonder why. Not because I carried his child, not because we grew as adults and learned about life together. There are other reasons and I just wonder sometimes if they are just as good. I would hope so. I want to get married. I want to have the man I love look at me and I want to know that I am the only one. To be so sick inside and not want to go on living if something horrible were to happen to me. Maybe Cisco does feel that way about me, but I just don't know it. If he does then I would feel better a little, but it still wouldn't justify him not wanting to marry me. I just don't understand. I try to be ok with it all the time, but sometimes it's just hard, really hard.

I think that I am in just one of those funks right now, I've been feeling it for a couple of weeks now and it's not going away. Maybe taking Cisco up on his dare (of writing how exactly I feel) will make me feel better, or maybe it's just my turn to tell my side of the story. There is tons more, but I don't think I have it in me to write more right now.

~M

Valentines...

2009-02-14T22:48:00.001-08:00

Valentines day...what an over rated "holiday" if you can even call it that. I have slowly began to hate this so called "holiday" just because it's over rated, over priced and over the top. Why can't every day be Valentines Day? Why does there have to be a whole day dedicated to showing that special someone that you love them? Cisco helped me see the light in that aspect. Olivia was so excited and asked me what I wanted or hoped that Cisco got me for Valentines and I told her that I didn't want anything except a card. She was completely taken back by that. She said, "BUT IT'S VALENTINES DAY!!! HE'S SUPPOSED TO GET YOU FLOWERS OR JEWELRY OR SOMETHING!!!" I continued to explain to her that flowers were overpriced during this time of year, the normal bouquet that you would by to show some love is normally $20 dollars or less, but for Valentines day it's around $60. Jewelry would be nice, but we can't afford those things right now, so a card would be perfect.

I normally don't expect anything during holiday's...execpt for a a card. I am a stickler for cards. That is the one thing that I will ask about, "did you get me a card?" It doesn't even have to be a card. It can be a note written in crayon on construction paper, a post it, some tree bark, on concrete, in the sand or in the dirt. I don't care, but it's just nice to get something that says that you are loved, regardless of the day. It could be on Presidents Day for all I care. It's just so wonderful to get something that you don't expect. It can be placed in the car, on the fridge on a cabinet...doesn't matter. Sometimes it's just nice to get something that is unexpected to put a smile on your face for the day...it beats bills.

For all of those that think that Valentines Day is something that needs to be celebrated and expensive presents bought, I'm sorry, you have officially been trapped by the "Hallmark" monster. (I love Halllmark, but I have to draw the line somewehere) However, I do wish everyone a wonderful holiday.

~M

Discovery...

2009-02-11T14:40:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been scared of something, or knew that you either liked or disliked something with such a passion but just didn't know why?

Well I have been in that boat for years and every once and a while I will figure out why I feel the way I do about something. Let it be a phobia or a certain uneasiness about something unfamiliar. The discovery will sometimes come while I am dreaming or it will emerge when I am in the middle of that moment that I am comfortable or uncomfortable about a situation that I am in.

One thing that I am scared to death of are balloons. Hate them, hate them, hate them. It's always a fun little treat for someone when they find out that I am so scared of them because they insist on bringing them around me to wait for the reaction. Now, I am totally fine with Mylar balloons, they don't bother me at all. I rather enjoy sticking a straw into them and sucking the helium from them when I get a chance. When working at Mandalay Bay it was sometimes a regular thing for balloons to come into Room Service because people would send gifts or someone would win employee of the month and of course these stupid balloons would be set in my general area. I swiftly named another employee to be the lucky one to move them into the managers office or the order takers booth, I was not going to be the one to have those suckers pop while in my face.

I wondered for years as to why I was so scared of balloons, it just didn't make any sense to me that this fear was just there. There had to be a reason, I couldn't remember anything though. One day my mom told me that my brother popped some balloons in my face when we were little and ever since then I have had issues. So there is one problem solved, and now when I see balloons I run far far away.

The other issue that I have is that I hate night time. I don't look forward to the sun setting. Doesn't matter if I'm alone that night without the kids and Cisco is working or if there is a house full of people. I don't like it. I told this to Cisco the other night and he thought it was weird. I did too, and proceeded to try and think as to why I don't like the night time. It took a night or two, but the conclusion came to me laying in bed one night when I couldn't sleep. When I was in 5th grade and lived with my dad sometimes I had a babysitter and sometimes I didn't. He worked at night so he couldn't be there. Then in 6th, 7th and 8th grade I never had a babysitter. So I was always by myself. I wasn't scared that the boogy man was gonna get me so much as it was being alone. I just don't like that feeling. So to solve that problem back then I always had people at the house. I invited my friends over, my cousin, had parties, you name it just so I wasn't by myself. My best friend lived across the street, but that didn't matter because she didn't live with me. Some nights I would stay up until 2 am to wait for my dad then go to sleep. That was bad though because I had school the next day.

But I thought that it was so wonderful that I figured out my own little mystery. Cisco wasn't as amazed as me, but I thought it was awesome. I'm sure that there are people that sit there for years and wonder why about some of the things that they do or how they feel and never come to a resolution. So the fact that I have makes me happy. I hope that I am able to figure some other mysteries out...I'm fresh out for right now though.

~M

This Boy...

2009-01-22T12:06:00.000-08:00

I just don't know what to do about Anthony any longer. I am at my wits end. It is truly a shame that I say that and that I feel that way but I am. I want to hold up the white flag of surrender. We (Anthony's teacher, Cisco and I) have been trying pretty much since the beginning of the school year to help him out with his studies. He wasn't doing too hot, mostly D's and an F every once and a while. We do tutoring before school and after school on some days and then the rest is done in the class room and at home. The case of him having ADHD has come into play and we are in the process of getting that tested and seeing if there is something going on down that road. But, still in the mean time it's mainly his attitude about school. I know that kids just don't like school in general, they would rather stay at home and sleep or play video games all day, but that will and won't ever happen. I have spoken to him about what happens if you don't stay in school and where his life could go, but every time I say that he says how his grandpa will hire him and he can work with him. Since he has been telling me this I tell my step-dad to tell him that if he doesn't go to school and graduate that he won't hire him.

If you can believe it not even that worked to make him try a little harder in school. Cisco and I have discussed having him held back and doing the 4th grade again and I have spoken with his teacher about this and she said that it's nearly impossible to have a child held back a grade (thanks Bush, lovin' that no child left behind crap). I really do think that he needs it, not only because of the material but I think that if he sees that all his friends are in 5th and he's stuck in 4th he will finally get a clue. Now, I would hate to go through all that and still see that it didn't work so I'm holding off on making a phone call to the Oval Office to make it happen.

Anthony's teacher called me at work and I spoke with her about Anthony and his attitude about things, he just doesn't care. Everything that comes out of his mouth is, " I don't care ". I thought that he was saying that to just me and Cisco apparently he is telling his teacher to F*** off too, which is what I see the "I don't care" as a sign of. He is a good boy, he really is, but when it comes to school and having to go and coming home and doing home work, he turns into this monster. It's horrible, it's so stressful. I blame myself everyday for it all. I don't know what I could have done to make it different or if it's just hardwired into him somehow. I love school, I still do and he sees that I go. Olivia doesn't loathe school and Cisco graduated from College so I don't know where this immense hate for it comes from. Everyone has tried to get it out of him, but all he ever says about it is "I don't know". I could just grab him by the neck sometimes and choke him so that he would tell me what the problem is. I've begged him to tell me so that I could fix it but...nothing.

I'm so lost at this point. I don't know what else to do. I've taken video games away, lowered the bed time hour, no visits with friends or grandparents, no movies, etc. Anything you can think of I have done it. The only ammunition I have for this week is his birthday and his friend's birthday.

His friend is having his birthday on Saturday and he's not going to be able to go to that. Also, Anthony's birthday is tomorrow, and I don't know if I should still do all the things for him that I planned on because of this. The timing really sucks, his birthday party was going to be next week, but now that is going to go on the back burner until all this other stuff gets worked out. I will still throw him one, it may be in April but I will throw him one with all his little friends. I told Cisco that I have to feel some major support coming from him on this one...I do not want to go back on this, cause if I do Anthony will think that everything else that I said was not important. I have to hold firm and follow through with this one.

I don't know maybe a miracle will happen, but I'm not holding my breath.

~M

All Too Fast...

2009-01-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

So sometimes I lay in bed and can't sleep.

The desire to sneak into Anthony or Olivia's room to snuggle while they are sleeping gets to be so bad that sometimes I give in and go in there. To smell their hair and face is just comforting. The smell isn't the same though, when they were little it smelled like baby shampoo and softness. The smell is similar, it's of innocence but not as strong as it used to be.

They spend more time in their rooms now, and upstairs building things. The desire to "hang out" with me downstairs isn't there as much anymore.

Sometimes when I am laying in bed at night this gets to me, it makes me sad, it makes me cry. It makes me wish that my babies were small again. Where they couldn't pronounce words right, where they would just sit around and make things and want us to look at them and their little faces would beam with joy when we would oogle their picture that slightly looks like a dog, or us.

When Anthony was a baby, or actually before I even had Anthony I came across a book called "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. I cry every time I read it. It's very difficult for me to read it to Anthony because I cry and he doesn't know why and then he cries. It's a wonderful book about a mother who cares for her son and every night cradles him in his arms and sings him a song about how much she loves him and will do so forever. She does this through his teen years, he does this when he is a grown man and when his mom is old and can't do anything for herself any longer he cradles her in his arms and sings the song that she has sung to him for all the days of his life. If you haven't read it you have to...especially if you have kids.

I never thought the day would come where they would actually grew up. I mean I knew it would happen, just not so soon. It hurts my heart to know that within the next couple of years Anthony won't want to go on "dates" to the movies and dinner with me on Friday nights any more. He won't want to snuggle in bed with me when dad isn't home, won't want to watch cartoons or cartoon movies with me for endless hours on Saturday nights any longer. He will want to go to his friend's house, go out to the movies with a girl, and then before I know it he will move out and hopefully visit every now and again. It makes me so incredibly sad. Trying not to cry while writing this is hard too.

My mom told me the day would come, but it just didn't seem possible. But it's approaching. Anthony is worried about his clothes and what he wears, Olivia is getting more and more into boys (how cute they are, and who she is "crushing" over). Have I really turned into the mom that is needing to take a class on the new teen lingo???? I'm only 29 how in the hell is that possible. I feel like I only got out of high school a couple of years ago!

It's hard and it sucks, but I keep thinking about the good things that will come out of it. Hopefully, Cisco and I have taught our kids to be responsible for their actions, be honest, be kind to others, never dream too big and to always love others. There is nothing much besides wrapping them in a plastic bubble that we can do to protect them and make them happy and healthy adults.

~M

Christmas...Etc...

2009-01-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

It's over, I think that is all I really have to say about it. I'm glad that it is over, and not for the usual reasons that you would think. I was so sick during Christmas that I am glad that it is over. It started a couple of days before the wonderful and exciting little holiday came to our house. There were aunties and uncles in town, dinner at homes that I love to frequent, parties at others and none of them were enjoyed, at least by me. I didn't go to the candle light service at Olivia's grandma's church, and I love going to it every year. It was just a bad three weeks, yes, three weeks was how long I was sick for. I don't remember much of Christmas because of being sick, I just remember sleeping a lot and wishing that I didn't have to go to parties and dinners. But now that it is over I'm so happy.

The kids got the usual loot, too many presents and nowhere to put them. Cisco and I got things that we needed, which is always appreciated, and from our friends and family we got things we could play with and read, which is always nice to get, no matter how old you are! I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday with their family and friends like we did.

A couple of weeks ago Cisco went and cleaned out the storage unit of all the stuff from the store and it is now housed in our garage. By the looks of it, we may have our Christmas stuff up until next year. You can't get to anything in the house. I hope I don't need a hammer anytime soon, cause I wouldn't be able to get to it, I would have to go and buy a new one. The boxes for the Christmas tree and the ornaments are tucked away with chairs blocking it. I refuse to go in there, because every time I do I am tempted to get a bunch of that stuff and leave it in the driveway so that whom ever should pass our little house may just come along and take what they need. Cisco doesn't want me to sell any of that stuff, I'm sure, unless he is there, but I am going to have to pull some of it out and try for the best when I have a yard sale in a couple of weeks. I need to have my garage and sanity back. I can't remember the last time I personally took the trash out, I either wait for Cisco to do it, or on a garbage night I have the kids take it to the curb, you can't get to the front of the garage without needing to do a balancing act on top of carpets and chairs. You don't realize how much you go in there until you need to go in and can't get in. Oh, well at least no storage means one less bill every month.

Work is starting to feel more like work, I'm not happy here any more. I am ready for a change, I need to do some research and figure out what is going to be right for me. I am tired of working at my mom's house, not having anyone to talk to except for my mom or "grandma", I can't stand coming to my mom's on weekends, because I am here all week long. That sucks. I love my mom, but to hear her and my grandma talk and argue for hours on end in an echo enhanced kitchen with my office on the other side of the door is getting on my nerves. I just need a change, I don't know what to do about it yet, but when I do I promise that I will write about it 6 months after it happens! That seems to be the norm for me to get around to writing anymore.

I can't think of what else to write about right now. Anthony's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and we are trying to figure out what to do for that. That's about it. Hope everyone is enjoying their winter and have a safe one at that.

~M

Thought You May Enjoy a Good Laugh...

2008-12-12T09:41:00.000-08:00

I don't have much in the way of updates, but I found this video and thought it was hilarious... feel free to laugh out loud, I know I did.

~M

Gee How Long Has It Been...

2008-12-04T19:22:00.000-08:00

Well I guess the last trip that I went on would be a good place to start. This year for my mom's birthday we went to Disneyland again. This time it was nice because my brother's girlfriend came with us. We spent the usual 3 days there and it was great. We left early in the morning on Thursday and came back on Sunday. The Thursday that we got there it was great because there were hardly any people there. On Saturday however it was a totally different story.
I can't remember the last time that I took a picture with Minnie!It's Halloween Time!!!Poor Lisa missed half of the trip due to the excessive texting and talking!!! Just kidding Lisa, you know I love you!Me and my mommy...that was a fun trip. Next year in November for the big 3-0 we are going to Disneyland for my birthday. That should be fun. I have never been there when it is dressed up for Christmas. It should be neat, the kids are going with us this time around.

I thought I would throw in one of Kipper laughing! How cute is that!

I guess next up on the shelf is Thanksgiving. I made dinner at my house for my dad (who didn't show up), his friend Gayle, my brother and Lisa showed up. I made a ton of food, I can say that right now if I never see stuffing, mashed potatoes or turkey again I will be happy. Since some people didn't show up and some didn't eat that meant there were a ton of leftovers. Which I put to good use, but it's still a pain to eat the same thing for 4 days. Me no gusta turkey sandwiches any longer!It was a really good turkey though. I had only ever made one other. Now I do have to confess that I found something out that day though. In the morning when I was prepping the turkey I pulled out the little bag that had the neck and the gibblets in it. Well when I opened the bag only the neck was in there. I shoved my hand so far up that Turkey's ass and still didn't find the rest of it. So I figured that Butterball jipped me and owed me about $3. Well later that night when I pulled the Turkey out of the oven and let it rest then cut into it, it was cooked beautifully. Not dry like I had nightmares over (think Griswald Christmas, turkey blowing apart when the knife was inserted). But I couldn't figure out what was in the neck of the turkey, it looked like paper. Well I pulled it out and Gayle started cracking up. "I wondered where in the hell the gibblets went" is what I screamed after opening the bag. I thought there was some secret surprise in there, I guess to Lulu and Kipper it was since they got to eat it later. But it was so funny. I guess I learned something that night. Did I mention that it was raining on Thanksgiving! I was so happy and excited about that. It really was a perfect day!The kiddies waiting to go outside after the rain...Anthony dreaming and wishing he could cut into the pie, but he has to wait one more day for Thanksgiving.Kipper gave up begging and decided to take a nap instead.

Well besides my 29th birthday on the 30th nothing else really happened. I thought I would end with some cute pics I have...Anthony, Kipper and Lulu...Me and my baby...

Till next time :)

~M

Miss M Lately...

2008-11-14T15:31:00.000-08:00

There hasn't been a whole lot going on really. I have to sit down and download my pictures that I took while in Disneyland. My mom came up with the great idea of making a scrap book for all the pics or most of them anyways. I have never really scrapbooked before, it's fun. I'm sure it would be a pain in the ass if you weren't very creative though. Anthony and Olivia have been quite busy with school and some church activities. Cisco has been working a whole lot and so have I. I am not working the other job any longer so now I have time to do little things around the house, like move the living room around and tear up carpet in the den, which I will be doing tomorrow. That should be great fun. Not looking forward to Christmas this year, but what else is new. Thanks to the economy my children will really be able to appreciate their gifts ( which they usually do and don't ever complain) but I wonder what will happen still. We told them that due to the current economic crisis Santa won't be supplying that much this year, he had to ask the government for a loan. The kids looked at me like I was crazy. So I promise that soon I will post some precious photos of my chidrens.

~M

Proud To Be A Witness..

2008-11-05T09:29:00.000-08:00

...to history. I am so proud to be able to say I watched as history was made on November 4, 2008. I will always remember that I was sitting in my living room watching and felt an enormous sense of awe as Obama gave his speech. I think this election was particularly important because our country is in such bad shape and I do not think that John McCain had a lot going for him because of that. Bush turned this country upside down and it is a real shame. Obama was right when he said it's going to be tough but things will get back on track. I am so glad to see that our country is not going to be run by Republicans for another 4 years. I think we now have a real chance to make things right. To all my friends who say they are moving to Canada I only have this to say, hope you send a post card.

It just baffles me to hear people say how good Bush did, or that this cannot all be blamed on him. Uh, someone drank the tainted punch. I just don't know how someone can look me in the face and say that things aren't as bad as everyone has put them out to be. Uh, yeah they are. I don't think that before this year I had ever seen one house that was being auctioned off, let alone 5 or 6 in one neighborhood alone. We are now in a recession regardless of what others may believe and what's worse is that we were led into a war under false pretenses and we as a country have had to suffer because of it. It's a real shame, but hopefully the end of embarrassment is near.

I did not only vote for the Obama / Biden ticket because I'm a Democrat, but because I was not about to have another idiot near the White House and yes I mean Sarah Palin. When considering things a sad but very real thought ran through my head. If something should happen to Obama could I as an American trust Biden to be our President, and the answer was yes. Now when I asked myself the same question with McCain I did not get the same answer. I was down right scared at the thought of this woman from Alaska of all places becoming our next president, should McCain die. I mean the woman didn't even know what the VP's role is with the Senate...come on.

I am at peace now knowing that we as a nation have a very real chance of getting out of this mess that Bush got us into and it will be a wonderful thing when we do start to see some real CHANGE.

~M

Back In Action...

2008-10-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

Kind of. I am back from my Disneyland trip and am back to work, when I came back I was sick so now I am about all the way better and it's really nice. I will post some pics and update further when I get a chance.

Much Love,
~M

Something To Look Forward To...

2008-09-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

Yay! Finally, it took long enough for there to be something to watch on TV! I have my Tivo all set up for this coming season. Since I'm working mostly at nights during the week I have to make sure all my favorite shows are being recorded. Thank god I will be home tonight to watch Desperate Housewives. I am looking forward to seeing how things have come along 5 years later and all :)

This is another one that I really got into that I am looking forward to watching tonight. It came on last week but Mr. Tivo is my little friend and I get to do laundry tonight and watch what happened! Happy happy!

there is some conflict with tonight so I have to Tivo Amazing Race so that Cisco can watch it with me. I am still wanting to be on this show...soon. I think that I will apply next season! I have to find someone to go with, I don't think Cisco would be able to.
I can't wait to see this tonight too!

got a couple of others that I like, like Survivor! I don't know why they are so fun to watch but they are. I think the only thing I hate about Survivor is what they do on one of the last shows, where they take the torch of the players that were thrown off and put them to rest...WHATEVER!!! Other than that, I like that show a lot!

There is also Saturday Night Live, especially since we have these joker nominees for the presidential race, it's pretty funny.

Well as you can see I don't have much else to blog about!

It's just a wonderful time of year! There is so much to look forward to, at least when it comes to watching TV!

Are You Serious...

2008-09-18T10:00:00.001-07:00

The only reason why I ask this is because I always thought of women being more considerate of other people and clearly more tidy. This thought went completely out the window last night while I was working. Now, considering where I work I thought that people would be far better at picking up after themselves, but I was wrong. I worked in women's clothing last night where they have the evening dresses and women's suits, working in this area means that you have to keep tabs on the fitting rooms as well as the sales floor and tending to customers. I didn't think that this would be that big of a deal because I had done it the week before in men's clothing and it was easy, walk in check the dressing room and then sign my name. Piece of cake!

Now the under world of women's dressing rooms is a far different can of worms. I personally am very considerate when I go into a fitting room, I hang up my clothes when I am done and if there is somewhere to put them I place them there. The women that I dealt with last night are under the impression that since I work there and I am getting paid to put clothes away and adhere to their every whim they think that it is ok to leave clothes piled in knots on the fitting room floor, strewn over doors and left hanging by one string. Now I just know there there are some of you out there that are thinking, well it is your job to put the clothes away and make sure the fitting room is kept nice and clean. Yes, it is, but there is also something called common courtesy. When I use the restrooms at work I don't forget to flush the toilet and throw my paper towels on the floor just because I know that there is someone that will come and do it if I don't (and there are people that do this too, I've been unlucky enough to witness it). The least you can do is hang the clothes back on the hanger, hell I'll zip it up and button it, but I shouldn't have to untangle it, figure out where the hanger could have possibly gone all while you are asking me for another size. I just think that is plain wrong. It's pretty bad when men are better at the fitting room game then women. I thought for sure that would be far worse.

It just makes me wonder if they do that s*** at home. Do you leave your clothes in a knotted up mess laying in a pile on the floor? If something falls off the hanger when you are going through your clothes do you just leave it in a pile at the bottom of your closet? The answer is probably not, so why would you do it when you go out to other places. Just because you are somewhere other than home doesn't mean that you should forget about your manners. Now I know there there are some people out there men and women that have no concept of other people in the world and they could care less and that is fine, I can spot those people from a mile away and I deliberately do not help them because I know that they will be very rude and thoughtless throughout the whole process, there for making it not worth my while at all with the exception of leaving me frustrated and pissed off. Now, the ones that surprise me are the ones that are very polite and are a joy to help, then they screw you in the end. I spent an hour helping someone find the perfect dress last night, right fit and everything. When I finished trying to help her, she decided at the register that she didn't want to get the dress and that she would try Sears and then when I went back into her dressing room she left all of the dresses in a pile turned inside out and thrown everywhere. I swear if I could have found her I would have killed her with a hanger.

So please next time you go to the mall or a store, even a Target. Remember to be nice. Like the old video store slogan..."Be Kind Rewind". It's not that you have to do these things, it's just nice sometimes to do something for someone else.

~M

"I Am Not Going To Disneyland In October..."

2008-09-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

Cisco wrote this and made me sign it but this of course was right after my mom and I went in October last year, and it was the second trip within a four month period so I was not exactly excited about going with my mom this year. Well when I told my mom that I wasn't going she said that she would take her friend with her. I definitely thought that she would not go at all because she wasn't taking me with her. Well a few months later she told me that she was going to take my brother's girlfriend. At this point I didn't really know her and I was just pissed that of all the people she could have taken that it would be her. I mean I hadn't even met the girl yet and my mom was instant best friends with her...please. Well I have gotten to know her since then and I just love her. She is the best thing that has happened to my brother and we love Disneyland like crazy so it's just a match in heaven. We do have a lot of fun together when we are together so that is good. I just love spending time with her, and I think that by her going my mom may calm down on feeling the need to talk excessively. I was really bummed at the thought that now that I wanted to go I couldn't because of school and now work, but since school is a no go for right now it was just going to be tricky to get the time off of the new job. Well I asked for time off from my new job so that I can go and actually got it, so now it's official I am going to Disneyland in October.

The bet was that I wouldn't go, I can't remember if Cisco and I actually bet anything on it, but my mom keeps reminding me that if I were to go he would pay for the ticket, she said that since she was a witness he can't go back on it...ha ha right? Yeah, well I don't really expect him to pay for the ticket, but if he wanted to give me some money to buy some Pooh crap while I'm there that would be ok too! So yes, I am going even though I signed the napkin saying I wouldn't. I know that the napkin is long gone, but since Cisco knew that I would destroy it he took a picture of it, I thought that I had erased it, apparently not. Damn those digital cameras...what ever happened to the 110 rolls that took years to develop!

~M

TMI...TMI...TMI...

2008-09-06T23:51:00.001-07:00

Beware...Too Much Information can be dangerous.

I swear that is how I feel about one of my new co-workers. I guess there is someone like this in every establishment because I remember at Mandalay Bay there was someone like this as well. Wanting to share way too information about themselves. Let's call her A, well A decided to tell me all about her boyfriend today. Now let's keep in mind that I have never worked with this girl before. I guess it may be good that people feel so comforatable around me but I think that I would rather her not feel the need to tell me that she has sex with her well endowed boyfriend everyday and how good he is. She also felt the need to ask me how my sex life was. Now let's remember that when she was telling me this we were on the selling floor. I was surprised that my mouth didn't drop open. I just couldn't believe that she would feel the need to share this information with me. She also is such a lady. She thought it would be a good idea to burp quite loudly while a customer was walking by. Another girl we work with M said that she also farts in a customer's presence. How nice. I thought that my night of TMI would be over at the end of the night, but about 10 minutes before closing she wanted to air her frustration about having to still be there and the store not closing yet, since she wanted to go home and have sex and get something to eat. Gee aren't I stupid I keep forgetting that they fall into the same catagory! It's been a long time since I have had things to write about concerning work and I always get a kick out of other people's work stories. I have ever since I was little because my dad used to come home and tell me all of his, I never met these people but I knew who they were just by the stories he came home with everyday. I guess now I have my own to tell...again.

~M

Has It Really Been That Long...

2008-09-03T22:46:00.000-07:00

Wow, nearly a month since I have been on here. That's hard to believe! That's quite a dry spell isn't it. Sorry to all of my loyal fans out there. It's been pretty busy around here, with school starting and me having a second job and all. Culinary School is unfortunately being put on hold for right now. I had to put my priorities together and sadly that doesn't include school right now. I was cut down to 3 day's a week at my little office job, so I decided that it would be a good idea to get a second job. I thought that it would be funny to add that into the mix. It's definatley a change of pace and I can honestly say that my feet have been killing me ever since I started this job. I am just so not used to being on my feet for three hours straight let alone 8 hours. This job is great because you even get lunch...however you have to clock out for it. It's ok, it's better than nothing right? It's funny because my uncle has been waiting for calls from the union hall for him to take some work, and it's been really slow there as well. So he's been taking unemployment and hoping that they call him for more that a one day job. He told me that instead of working his ass off for eight hours he would rather not work that one day and take unemployment. I couldn't do that. So when I told him that I was working two jobs and that I didn't have a day off from both on the same day, that if I was off at one I was working at the other he was telling me how depressing that would be. I continued to tell him that I didn't have much of a choice...but it took everything in me to not say, "Don't you think it's more depressing not having a job at all?" I swear I wonder why people don't think about what they say sometimes. I know that some people just can't see the glass as half full but, wouldn't you rather have two part time jobs, regardless of the day's off than to not have any job at all? Oh, well we have all lost hope on this particular family member years ago, so it's just best to keep our mouths shut and avoid confrontation, just hope for the best and be thankful that we are not where he is in his life.

So as I continue my little post before beddy bye and another long day tomorrow, I bid thee fair well and hope that it doesn't take another month for me to write.

~M

Along With The Olympics...Comes the Ridiculous...

2008-08-10T20:25:00.001-07:00

Ok, please somebody tell me that this is all a joke and at the end of this year's summer Olympics they will say "April Fools" or something to that extent. I am not an avid Olympic watcher, I sit to some of the events, like swimming and gymnastics. But to sit there and watch a soccer game, no. Or to watch ping pong, uh no. The other morning when Cisco and I were sitting down and drinking our coffee and in an attempt to find some thing interesting on at 7am, which is impossible by the way unless you enjoy infomercials, we came across some of the Olympics...PLAYING BADMINTON. WTF...since when is playing birdie something that you could get a medal at! I think that anything that you could play at a family picnic should not be up for Olympic status. Personally if that is the way things are then they should have marbles or thumb war as an Olympic game. I don't know it's just ridiculous. I also found out that speed walking is in there too, give me a break. In this event they should have all the middle aged women in my neighborhood walking there dogs to see who comes in first, it shouldn't be some 20 year old. I just think that it was better when it was swimming, gymnastics, track and field and the other obvious choices. Maybe that is why I don't get into the Olympics that much anymore, because it's just getting silly now.

~M

Don't Hate Me Cause I'm Marvelous!

2008-08-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

There is the title of my memoir, I can't help it if I am :)

I thought that it was a clever little game and since I was tagged to do it, I thought that I would participate!

Here's how you play...Make up your own 6 word memoir title.

1. Write the title to your memoir using 6 words.

2. Post it on your blog.

3. Link the person who tagged you...Yamell :)

4. Tag 5 more blogs.

Uh, let me see who I can think of...

Cisco

Summer

Rusty

Jenny

Sugarcookies

I think that might work. :)

Have Fun...:)

~M

A Dream Materializing...

2008-07-23T12:59:00.001-07:00

So I don't think that it is a huge secret that I love baking. It is also no secret that I have been told by several people that I should open my own bakery. So the desire to do this has been getting greater and greater. I was registered to start school at CSN next month and figured while I was doing that I would look into Le Cordon Bleu Culinary Arts School. Well while I was there I started the application process and am now registered there for this fall and will graduate from there in 2009. It is a nine month class, but very intensive. Considering I will be there for 5 hours every night of the week, but I think that I will finally be happy at work, since I will enjoy doing things that interest me. I think that I will eventually have my own business but I will take that step slow, I still have some ways to go with the training and technical parts of things, but it's all very exciting!

I can't wait!

~M

Catching Up On Things...

2008-07-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

So I guess that today would be a good time to catch everyone up on the happenings of Miss M., and my mom is doing just fine by the way. So Ciso and I went to California for a whole week! I was so excited, I can't remember the last time I was gone from this bloody state for a complete week. So I guess I will do a semi-play by play. The first picture that I put up was from our tasting at Gloria Ferrer. I'll write more about that later though. I think I will write about the first place that we stayed at, which I wrote about on the first day. The Langham Pasadena.From what Cisco was telling me this place used to be a Ritz Carlton. It was so nice, I did not want to leave, but the second day we headed up North towards San Francisco. We drove along the PCH and I could have sworn that I asked Cisco if this was a straight road and not really curvy. I also was under the impression that he confirmed that yes, the road was in fact straight. No, it wasn't. It was all curvy and pukey. It was a beautiful drive, I do wish that I could have enjoyed it more. I really enjoyed when we stopped to go to the bathroom or to eat, or to just get gas. That was the high light of the PCH for me. Anytime that we got to stop. :) So along one of the stops we were at a beach and saw a ton of Elephant Seals.I could not believe how many of them there were. Some of them were fighting, some of them were swimming in the water which I thought was really neat. They were just jumping around in the water and swimming around with eachother. It was so cold outside. I could not believe how cold it was, I did not pack for this trip. I packed shorts and t-shirts. I thought for sure that it was going to be hot, hello, it's California. I thought that it might get chilly once we got to San Francisco but not until then. Boy was I wrong. Cisco was so cold here. I had my jacket on so I was ok. This little piece of beach didn't have anyone on it. It was windy and freezing. We walked down there and Cisco had shorts and his little thin t-shirt on, so when I wanted to keep taking pictures he told me to hurry because of how cold he was. I did not think that I would get any good pictures, but I got this really good one of him and a couple of black and whites. After this it was back on the road again. I swear all that day we just drove, which was great, because I love driving, minus the curvy roads. I guess it was good that we went that way though, because we would have never seen half of the things that we did if we didn't go that way.The next stop after going through Carmel was Half Moon Bay. I thought that this place was going to be more built up and touristy than it actually was. I had yet another surprise waiting for me there, Cisco made reservations at the Ritz there also. It was so beautiful. I wanted to stay there for the rest of the weekend. I had no interest in going to Mammoth after that stay.This place had a giant fire pit and it overlooked the ocean. I think it stayed light out a little while until about 9pm, which surprised me. I just loved that place and wished that we had more time so that we could walk around and look at the grounds more and possibly go for a walk on the beach. I wouldn't mind going back for the whole weekend again sometime.San Francisco here we come! Too bad that we couldn't go into the city and hang out for a while. I love walking around San Francisco, we went to breakfast and then headed out from there. I was one happy camper that morning. It was going to be straight highway from there. But, after breakfast I was a gonner. I think I slept for most of the drive to Sonoma though. When we got to the hotel in Sonoma it was so hot when we got out of the car. Such a shock to what we have been feeling when getting out of the car for the past two days. It made me happy that I was wearing a t-shirt. Not that I had anything else to wear. We went into the hotel to check in, change and then hit the vinyards. We didn't get there in time for the tour which was a total bummer, because I wanted to go through the caves so badly. But we did a tasting, which wasn't even really a tasting, we pretty much just bought a glass of Sparkling Wine and sat on the balcony and drank it. It was nice though, it was a beautiful view from that balcony.So that was a good start to a some what short tasting day. The next place that we went to was Gundlach Bundschu.I think that this winery had some great wines. We bought a couple of bottles before we left. I cannot believe how hot it was there. I was definatly needing some water while we were doing these wine tastings. It was nice to just drive around and enjoy the scenery and enjoy the wine and enjoy eachother. This was so great because it was time alone doing something that we both enjoy. So this day was so exciting for me, because it just showed me what was to come on this trip. The next place and the last for the day was Matanzas Creek WineryCisco was telling me that Matanzas is a word meaning massacre so he was interested to find out what the story was behind that. If I remember correctly the guy that was giving us our tasting was saying that it is because they used to kill animals here, the natives that lived on the land a long time ago. I think Cisco thought that they were killing people or something. This was a beautiful winery. It had tons of Lavender all over the place growing, inside of the winery they sold lavender and soaps and shampoo's that were made with the lavender that grows on that property. I thought that it was really neat. Since the winery's close around 4 or 5pm that was the last one that we visited that day. There wasn't much to do where we stayed, I think that night we tried to go to a movie, but the guy that told me where to go was totally wrong and instead we went back to the hotel, which was fine with me. It had been a long day. The next day we woke up early and headed out to Napa Valley. We ate breakfast and then tried to go to Domaine Chandon, but we had just missed the tour so we decided that we wouid go back there later. So we headed out and went to Mumm Napa ValleyI just loved going here because it was almost like a private tour, it was only us and one other couple. We walked around and I had not known how that made Sparkling Wine before so they were so descriptive on how the process was done, there were windows everywhere so that you could see what was going on. I loved the tasting that we did also. I didn't want to leave there. It was nice. While we were waiting for the tour to start I found this book that gave all the winery's in Napa and in Sonoma, which was a better map and book than I got from the visitors center that morning, that thing sucked. Cisco made reservations for us to go on a tour of Cakebread CellarsI liked this winery also, hell, I think that I liked all of them. By the time we finished that tasting, I was pretty toasted, and it was hot and I didn't have any water...you know what that means...Warning, warning, sick, sick, sick! But luckily that didn't happen, I found some water and drank the hell out of some. The guy that gave us our tasting was so informative, he was going to school to be a somminer (I don't know how to spell it) so he knew so many things! It was great.I was ready to leave, but Cisco found some friends when we were leaving, so when he came back to the car he had a big bag of tamales with him, he bought 12 of them! I couldn't figure out why we needed so many, but holy crap they were so good, we were so hungry. We drove down the street to see what other winery we could fit in before it was time to call it quits for the day and he drove into Grgich Hills for a tasting. They had some really good wine and a great tasting...uh, atleast that is what I remember. While Cisco was deciding about a bottle of wine and cashing out I decided to go back to the car. I was just about done for the day, I was pretty buzzed from all of our adventures from the day.But just when we thought that we were done for the day, we remembered that the last tour for Domaine Chandon was at 5pm and it was about 4:30 so we thought that we would go and check it out.We signed up for the tasting and for the tour. I didn't stay for the entire tasting. This place had huge slide open doors, and it was about 90 degrees outside so the air that they had on was off shot by the open windows, and I couldn't take it any longer. I had Cisco finish off my glasses and I snagged a bottle of water and took off to cool down and sit down while we waited for the tour to start, which totally sucked, so anyone that is interested, don't go to that one. I'm really glad that we went to Mumm first because it gave some great information and you walked around in more places and saw the way things were done better. Chandon only showed a video in a different part of the place. I love this picture that I took, there is a wall with empty sparkling wine bottles with some light behind it and it curves. It was one of the things that I did to recover from the excess of wine :) One of the exciting things that did happen on that crappy tour though was the fact that in the middle of our tour the wine maker was walking through and stopped to talk to us for a while. It was really neat to see the person that makes it happen. It was great. Later that night we went back to the hotel and then dinner. I talked to someone that actually knew where the movie theater was so we went and saw two for one, it was so easy to sneak into a movie there. Then our little trip in Sonoma / Napa was over and it was off to Mammoth. I have never been up to Mammoth before, it is really nice, it's really high up and there is no air up there. We stayed with my parents outside in a tent on a blow up mattress. It was no Ritz, but it's ok. We had a good time there and took some really great pictures, it was so close to this waterfall, that's all you listened to while you were sleeping. It was really nice. We didn't do much up there, I didn't go hiking or anything because I had a really hard time breathing, so I stayed with the kids, my mom and my brothers girlfriend Lisa. We had fun.Up in Mammoth they have bears up there, so one of the big rules is that you can't have any food or ice coolers laying around because the bears will come into your camp area and go through your things. Anthony forgot to take his backpack into the trailer one night so the next day we found his pack with a tear in it and the food that was in it was gone.Anthony chopping wood in the modern way that only he could.Anthony and Miss O just hanging out.It was a wonderful trip and I was so glad that we went, eventhough we were broke when we came home. It was a great and wonderful experience, we got to spend lots of time with the kids and family so it was great.

My Mommy...

2008-07-10T14:40:00.001-07:00

I've been sitting here at work today, trying to work but finding it hard. My mama is at the hospital for something that we don't know anything about yet, and we all know that when I can't concentrate at home or at work I usually blog about it to help me feel better.

I came into work yesterday and she was telling me that she had some bad pain in her chest around her ribs, but on the right side of her chest and back. So we both assumed that it was gas, because with the way she describing it sounded exactly like what I have had before, a pain that just takes your breath away. Well after a couple of hours of her feeling like this I was convinced that it was not pesky gas bothering her. She nearly cried when she would try to sit down and she couldn't be moved without being in pain. So later on in the after noon Rick told her that he was going to take her to the hospital to get checked out, since the winner of a doctor that they have told him that he would have to bring her in on Monday because that was the earliest appointment that they had (I hate doctors, and their receptionists). So they went. I called later that evening to see if they found anything out and Rick said that they think that she may have a blood clot in or around her lungs, because of the pain and pressure when breathing. I was really worried then, just hoping that if that was what it was that they found out for sure very quickly so that they could do something about it. Later that night Rick called back and said that it wasn't a blood clot and that her tests all came back normal, she was on morphine and they were going to keep her for the night and then do a stress test in the morning on her heart and see what that came back as.

So now it's the next day, and my mama called me to say hello and to tell me that she is feeling a little bit better, she still has the pressure on her chest and they did the stress test, but they have not come back with the results yet.

So now it is just a waiting game to see what those tests have brought back. Hopefully it's nothing bad and she will be coming home tonight.

~M

Wishing to Be Well...

2008-07-07T15:30:00.000-07:00

I am so sick right now. I want to go home and finish work. There has been a lot going on, but I don't think that I am up to it right this minute to get everyone caught up on all the vacationing I have been doing. While I was at summer camp with the kids I caught a cold and it just seems to be getting worse. So when I am up to it I will post some pictures and some commentary.

~M

Vacation...Day One...

2008-06-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

We got started at about 10 am with driving to California for our little vacation. It was so nice to kiss the kids good bye and give huggies to the doggies and then be on the road. The thought of not being in town for an entire week is just too exiting. We got into Pasadena around 2 pm and went walking around Old Town like usual. At around 4 pm we decided to go looking for our hotel for the night. There were no reservations anywhere so we were just going to get the cheepest place that we could, but that was still half decent, like a Marriot or Ramada or something. We went driving around and ended up in this neighborhood with all these really nice houses. I was drooling at these things. So while we were driving around Cisco was saying how he was lost and wasn't sure where he was. I was really surprised because I have never known him to get lost anywhere in California...NEVER. So I was telling him to go back to where he came from and that I could tell him how to get back to where we were from there. Instead he went into the opening of this really nice hotel and said that he needed to turn around. I was telling him quite urgently where to make a U turn, but he didn't. Then I asked him what he was doing, he said that he was going to ask for directions. I was totally mortified and officially started freaking out, I told him that we could find our own ways back to where we started and that he needed to move around and get out of this parking lot. I didn't want these people to come up to our car and try to scoot us out and then turn around and tell them that we just needed directions. So then he took his seat belt off and told me that this was where we were going to be spending the night. I was so totally surprised. He was teasing me later, saying that I was getting all nervous about being somewhere that we just didn't fit...I started laughing but I was thinking that same thing. Yeah, I would fit in there only if I was working there. This place is so nice. I guess that not too long ago it was a Ritz Carlton, but they sold it to this other place. I have never heard of this place but it is really nice...what is even better is that it has pink accents. I LOVE IT! When we were having a drink at this place in Old Town earlier we were talking about if we should head up to San Francisco or just stay in Pasadena. Cisco was saying that if we stayed in Pasadena and woke up early that we could take the day and enjoy the views of the coast and the driving, since I have not been further up the coast than Santa Barbara. But now it all fits together...tricky, tricky.

So after I got changed and put some make up on we went to Macy's and walked around and then went to the Yard House to watch the Lakers / Celtics game. It was a great game. I had a lot of fun. So then when we got back to the room I decided to blog about it since Cisco gave me his grand permission....thanks honey. :)
Tomorrow we will be on our way to San Francisco. I can't wait to get there. Maybe I will update with day two tomorrow!

~M

Conquering Quickbooks...

2008-06-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

So on Rick's urging, I contacted the accountant so that they could come and set our office up with Quickbooks. Now I guess he doesn't remember when I asked him to do this at the beginning of my career here at our little office. So now I am stuck with inputting information from the beginning of the year. I guess that he wasn't smart enough to do this in January, so now I am stuck putting information in from January 1. Yep, that's right all of our invoices, all of our checks that we wrote, all our deposits, and payroll. I could just kill him right now. Now this is on top of everything else that I have to do, billings, etc. I nearly cried yesterday when he asked me to look for something and I couldn't find it quick enough. I am thinking about not answering the phone today...just to get more of this crap done. But only two more day's until vacation, so that is the good thing that I can look forward to.

~M

And It's Only The Beginning...

2008-06-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

So now it is summer break for the kids. I love them and all, but I don't think that being around them 24 hours a day is good for anyone. They get on eachothers nerves at times and mine as well. They have been coming to work with me for this past week and I have had about my fill of all day and all night with Miss O and Mr. A. Sometimes I am under the impression that they do things on purpose to get under my skin, but it's probably just me.

I don't like when they go out of town for a week at a time, but then again when they are normally here I have about 7 hours without them because they are in school. I think they need a little space as well as me. I always think about how nice it was going to be for them to be out of school because then I don't have to rush back and forth from work to school or the house to make sure they are alright, but now...

I don't want to leave them at the house alone because I don't trust them. They make huge messes and think that it is alright to eat a whole bag of Pringles and Twizzlers for lunch, and then when I come home and get on their case they look confused. I don't know if the look of confusion is from needing to hit the bathroom from all of the sugar or that they genuinely don't think they did anything wrong.

I know for sure that little walks to 7-11 or around the corner are in the near future at lunch breaks though, just to get out of the house. Everyone should know by now that I dislike the heat so much that I curse it, but I think that I will have to endure some of it just to keep my sanity.

Just feelin' a little frustrated right now and felt the need to share...:)

~M

I Think I May Be Dying...

2008-06-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

That's it...I quit. No more Kickboxing classes on Monday's. I usually go on Thursday's, which is good I am now used to the tempo and know what this guy that is the teacher is going to do. The woman that taught this class yesterday is just pure evil. My knees hurt so bad from this little session yesterday. :( But it's all good. I can now fit into my clothes and them be a little big on me. I actually did two classes yesterday. I did the kickboxing and then Zumba ( I think that is how it is spelled ), I had so much fun doing this class. It's like a whole bunch of dancing set to some really awesome music. I will definately be doing that again. So far since I last weighed myself at the beginning of the week I have lost 6 pounds. I had stopped working out for a while so I gained the 5 pounds that I had lost right back on, but I have lost it and I think at the end of the week I will weigh myself again at the gym. I don't trust the scale at home. I think it lies and tries to make me feel bad. :)

~M

Happiness Is...

2008-06-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

A bubble bath with candles and champagne...

Perhaps a warm "gun" ( for all those Beatle fans out there )...

Being loved by my kids...

Being loved by my man...

Having a job...

Feeling good about myself physically for the first time in a long time...

Knowing it's the season for vacations...

Lulu and Kipper...

My gym membership, lol...

Flowers...

The Sun...

The Moon...

Thunderstorms on a summer afternoon...

Naps on Sunday...

Disneyland :)...

Cisco...

Olivia...

Anthony...

I don't always wake up in the morning and think about the sweet fuzzy things that accompany our lives day to day let alone think much about them at all in the length of the day. But for some strange reason I woke up in a particularly good mood this morning, which is highly unusual. I'm usually all business and dread going to work. But on this particular morning I noticed something in the mirror as I was staring at myself...I'm losing weight. I could finally tell and was so excited. I have been working very hard the past week or so to lose 10 pounds, it's a little bet / deal that Cisco and I have going, before we go on vacation in a week. I've been running at least a mile and a half 4 to 5 days a week at the gym and have gone to a couple of Kickboxing classes. So I've been noticing changes, but it didn't really hit me hard until this morning. I mean I actually considered wearing a tank top and jeans with nothing over the tank top, but then thought better of it...not ready for that yet, confidence wise at least. So it's just a good day all around. It will be even better as soon as I eat something, cause I am starving, but otherwise I thought I would share in my happiness.

~M

A Cake and An Animal Orgy...

2008-05-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

So it was Olivia's 10th birthday this past Sunday and it was nice and low key. Olivia and her little friend went to see Indiana Jones and then we all went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Later we came back to the house to have the cake that I made with some Ice Cream. Overall I was quite happy with how the cake turned out. Instead of the strawberry filling I put buttercream and coconut. It was good. This cake took me 3 hours to decorate, from start to finish. I applied some pink pearl dust to the pink accents and I think that I pulled it off pretty good. I just dabbed it on where I wrote happy birthday because I didn't want to smear the writing that I had previously done. I was pretty tired after the whole cake thing. I didn't think that I would want to try some but I did and as always, found places for improvement. Everyone else thought the cake was flawless and tasted great, and I did too, but as usual the person making it always finds the little things that could be better and I guess that is always a good thing.

In about a week or so when the kids are on vacation I will do another cake but not using fondant, only buttercream so that I can try some piping techniques. It will be quiet so I will be able to do it without interruption.

Later on that night when Cisco and I went upstairs after getting the girls settled we found my babies doing the unimaginable. I have a firm belief that animals come to life when everyone else is asleep or away (like in Toy Story), so I think that these nasty little things got caught in mid Orgy. And I thought things were pretty normal around our house. I hope this is only with my babies and no one else's. :)

~M

Cake Walk...

2008-05-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

So it is that time of year again, Olivia's birthday. This year I am happy to inform you that I am actually involved. I guess it's good news. I wish I had the easy part that her aunts have, shopping for the stuff and doing the running around. But, last year Olivia had asked me to make her cake so that is my sole responsibility. After several run throughs and several ideas that just didn't pan out. I have come up with this little creation...which was thankfully approved by her majesty, you should note that there are 10 little hearts at the top which I am planning on putting the candles in, I was quite worried. I think I spent a whole at least 2 whole days worth of time on this cake and the conception...EVERYTHING!!! It has been quite an experience I must say that though.

Usually Olivia plans her big day with her aunts, everything from the theme to the party favors and the cake. They get the cake and do everything and then Cisco and I just show up. But this year Olivia wanted a sleep over with her girlfriends at the house and for me to do the cake. I was quite excited that I was going to be involved. Olivia asked if I would make little cakes for her class and without thinking about all the man hours that I would have to spend on them I said yes. So two days ago I started making the cakes and last night I began decorating them so that we could take them to school today. I think I spent 7 hours doing them last night, just to decorate them. I nearly dropped some of them, but I saved them. I swear if I would have dropped them I would have needed therapy.So by the time I finished I piped O's on the top for "Olivia" and some dots and applied the fondant. I was quite proud of this little feat. Now I only have to do the cake for Sunday and I am finished. I can say that without a shadow of a doubt that if I see any sugary dessert any time soon I will turn and toss my cookies. I have two days to rest from the kitchen which is nice, in that time I can clean the house and prepare it for an invasion of girls.

~M

Would You Rather...

2008-05-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

As I was driving to work this morning and listening to the radio I heard a conversation about 5 things to do on a first date (for ladies). As I was listening to this I was remembering what it was like to go on first dates, when I did go on first dates...which seems like forever ago.

I remember how excited I would get when I would give my phone number out or he would get mine, all the anticipation of wondering if he would call and when. Back in the days when cell phones weren't as affordable as they are now, I would forward my calls to make sure I wouldn't miss his. There were the usual first date jitters as well as the awkward silences and the inevitable good night kiss or hug, depending on how good the date went and if you thought there might be a second.

As is the rituals of courting you try to keep on your best behavior and you dress to the nines, shave everyday because you never know, and try to be yourself (at least to a point).

As time goes by and you decide that you will stick this one through and see how far it goes you let little things slip as you begin to know each other better and become more comfortable around each other. You love that person for themselves and not all the other crap that you were so worried about in the beginning.

So what would you rather have, years of happiness with that one person or giving it all up just to have those first couple weeks of excitement. I know there are people out there that would pick the last one.

I know that I will never really have that same feeling as I did on my first date with Cisco, but the anticipation for something more is always there. A note on the vanity mirror in the morning, flowers brought to me in bed, rare occasions when we are able to go out without the kids (including trips), and just being able to talk for hours without interruption if we chose to. I think that I miss that feeling of courting a little bit sometimes, just the excitement from anticipation and the butterflies that follow, but when I think about what I have now it's so much better. I get to come home to two kids who love me unconditionally, shaved legs or not, a man that knows my flaws as well as his own and loves me regardless.

I'm just so happy for taking that first step with our little first date, I didn't think he would call the number on the paper, but I'm glad you did baby.

I love you guys more than life itself.

~M

Hot Babies and Baseball...

2008-05-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

So as all of you know yesterday was Mothers Day! So happy Mommies day to all of you out there. I was greeted in bed that morning to Anthony snuggling me and then about 1/2 an hour later to Olivia and Cisco coming in with breakfast on a tray and flowers and cards. I can definately say that I was feeling the love.

On Friday I got tickets for Anthony, Olivia and I to go to the 51's baseball game. I thought that it would be a fun little outing. A great surprise was that Cisco was able to get the night off early and come and join us around the bottom of the 3rd.

It was a really fun game, what was nice was that the team won and we got to watch some fireworks at the end of the game. It was a lot of fun. The weather was great also, a little breezy, and not too hot...not yet anyway.

On Mother's Day I wanted to to the the outlet shops at State line. There were quite a few things that I saw that I wanted at Sur La Table and thought that they just might have the same items at the Williams Sonoma outlet. Well, they had some of the things but not many, so that led us to driving back into town and going to the shops at Planet Hollywood, back to the Sur La Table store. We had gone to this store a week before so that I could let Cisco in on the things that I wanted, just in case he felt the desire to go there and surprise me with them on the morning of Mother's Day. That wasn't the case, but he did take me there. Well on the way there we were waiting at a red light, (on Tropicana and LV Blvd.) and if you live or have lived in this town for even a month or a couple of days you will know that there are driving billboards all over the streets as well as stationary ones letting people in on having escorts come to your hotel room. Well I try not to say anything about these things to the kids and sometimes they see them and say ewww and then other times they laugh at eachother about the girl with her butt cheeks showing. Well yesterday there was a driving billboard waiting for a light and Anthony saw it. I saw it right away and was hoping that no one under the age of 18 saw it either, but Anthony and Olivia both did.

Well Anthony started reading it, and said..."Hot Babies direct to you, what are hot babies? Are they on fire?" And of course Cisco and I started laughing pretty hard. We both wondered if him not reading wonderfully was a good thing at that point or not. I mean it didn't really get into details like I feared because we were all laughing so hard about him saying babies instead of the babes. It was hillarious. I made sure to take a picture so that it could be referenced in this little post, but I thought it was one of the funniest things, besides Olivia asking who wanted to go to the Adult Superstore a few months ago. It's things like this that seem to put the cherry on a mom's day.

~M

Ode To An Oven...

2008-05-07T15:05:00.001-07:00

Oh bearer of heavenly goodness...I am so happy that you are just now returning to my life. I am so happy that you have come to bring joy into our home once again. So many times I have heard the cries of the children yearning for the yummy baked goodness of treats or bubbly dinners fresh out of your womb, and now that dream has come true.....I FINALLY GOT MY FREAKIN' OVEN!

I am so excited! It arrived on Monday and I christened it with Lasagna and made a Pecan Pie. Last night I decided to polish up my cake baking skills and lets just say they were a little rusty. Just a little bit mind you. For those of you that did not know of my oven sadness, I have been without one for nearly two years. I was always using the damn thing. I have never really known an oven to go out before. I mean my mom's is older than ours was and it still worked, but low and behold my bad fortune to have a finicky one in my presence. Oh well though it's over and I am back to using it all the time. I have to pick up many supplies to fill up the pantry so that I may resume my cake and treat baking skills. They have been put a damper on since I didn't have an oven to use. When I was hard up during the holiday's I would use my mom's. However, if you have never had to truck all of your materials as well as the finished project 15 minutes away then you will not be able to appreciate my aggravation over the whole ordeal. Not to mention trying to work in someone else's kitchen. They don't have the same things you do, so you are not used to their hand held mixer as opposed to your standing mixer. Or the fact that you don't know where every little thing is so that it is only a mere whistle away.

So yay! Heaven has returned to my little Kitchen!

~M

And So It's Time To Start Over...Again...

2008-05-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

And so it begins...I have registered for the fall. I didn't go at all last year, just because I think I needed a break as well as there was so much going on with the kids. But now that I am the first one to sign up for anything I will make sure to let the rest of the clan know, so that our children are not haphazardly thrown into activities without wondering where they should go after...I think this includes me as well.

I am excited about going back, I think because I missed two semesters. I will be taking my last Management class, Intermediate Algebra, Philosophy and Accounting. I am halfway done with school at CSN and I figured last night that if I go for this Semester, Spring and next fall then I will be done and I will be able to graduate in the Spring of 2010. I guess that is a good round number to end things on. Then it will be time to transfer to UNLV to finish out the next "two" years. When I was looking at my credits that I have earned yesterday it didn't feel like I had gone as far as I have. I think it is because when I take classes I load up, so that I can get it done. I haven't done too shabby yet, but I think this semester I will definitely need to see a tutor to help with the accounting and math aspect of this whole thing.

The only classes that I have left really are math classes, which sucks because I'm not all that great at math and it takes so much for me to finally grasp an idea that is trying to be taught. I miss taking the usual writing classes, I think it is because I am good at them. I think after I post this I will go onto UNLV's site and see what classes I will need to finish out the second part of this little degree that I'm trying for.

~M

Bring On The Cuteness...

2008-04-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

I didn't really have much to blog about, but wanted to put something up so I thought that I would post some cute pictures of my Lulu and the kids...:)

And by the command of Lulu...it's time for a nappy poo...:)

~M

It Was So Funny...

2008-04-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

that I nearly cried! I think these are hillarious...

Bla Bla Bla...

2008-04-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say that it is the same old thing. Boring, boring, boring. Well at least to me it is. This repetition is killing me...dinner, clean, laundry, bitch at the kids, dinner, activities, laundry...you get the gist of what I am getting at. I guess I just need to do something fun. Like join a pottery class, getting some friends might lift my spirits. One of them is married and lives on the other side of town, so we don't get together as often as we would like. And the other one is in a semi-new relationship and has recently decided that hanging out with friends is not a priority at this time. I think over time she will grow bored with him and then beg to go out with a friend every once and a while.

I guess it reminds me of when I got out of high school, granted I had Anthony not too long after that, but I wanted to call my girlfriends and have a sleep over or something fun that we used to do like that. I LOVED having sleep overs. But of course, I knew if I called these girls and inquired of the chances of a sleep over happening they would have laughed and hung up the phone on me. Even now...I would love to have one. But not with little kids, with my friends. I think that it would be so much fun. But no one has the time for that stuff. In my very small circle of friends I am currently the only one with kids, so I don't know why someone's schedule would conflict, but I know that everyone would be busy or something to that affect. I guess it just sucks to know that I don't have any friends, I have tried to make friends with some of the kids' friends parents, but that is hard too. I just don't feel like we are on the same level. I am a bit more carefree and fun, some of them seem so uptight and have so much drama going on in their lives, which is good fun when listening to it over coffee, but when it is my turn to share what the hell would I say to them?

It's rough that is for sure.

Anthony and Olivia made a tent in the living room the other night to sleep in, and when they first made it all they did was line up chairs in a circle and put pillows around it. I looked at them with great concern, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO MAKE A TENT AND YOU ARE 9??? This baffled me only because at their age I was a pro at making those things. So, I pushed up my sleeves and showed them how it was to be done. It was great to hear their joy at the construction of this project and the out come. Cisco was also impressed and suggested that we leave it up so that the next night we could sleep in it. I thought that was funny, all I could think of was, "there is no way I can sleep on the floor in that thing, my back will be killing me the next day!". What the hell happened to me, when did I become so concerned about sleeping on the floor and what it would do to my body the next day. Scary people, very scary.

I hope that when I write next time there is more interesting things going on but until then.

~M

To Be Or Not To Be...

2008-04-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

A bit vegetarian. So my darling son decided a few months ago that it was mean to eat Piggies. So I stopped fixing bacon, pork chops, pork loin, sausage, etc. And only cooked Chicken, Fish, lots of Turkey and occasionally Beef. There were several choices when cooking dinner so I didn't mind the slight change in menu. Then a couple of weeks after that Anthony was talking to his grandpa and eating a hamburger and his grandpa decided to ask him, "so you don't eat piggies because they are cute? Well don't you know where hamburgers come from, you eat cows and chickens and turkeys too you know...do you think that they are cute?" Anthony stopped eating and said that he would not be eating chicken, pork, turkey or beef. So it has been nothing short of a challenge to think of what to make for dinners.

To keep it short...I gave up. I found this fake soy or tofu chicken and make it for Anthony in conjunction with what we are eating for dinner. He didn't like the tofu concoction that I made one night and neither did I. It was pretty gross. I do have to think of better ways to include protein and soy into his diet without it tasting horrible.

He has not really come to the realization that becoming a true vegatarian would include not eating eggs, cheese, fish or drinking dairy products. I think that it is good that he does want to do something good for himself and his fellow furry friends, but he is a bit young and still growing to cut out those things and I can't cook him fish every night. So I have to come up with some recipes and ideas for food that don't include the meats that he refuses to eat. I put chicken on his tostada one night when we had them and he scraped off the chicken and just ate the beans and veggies. That was the last time that I tried to talk him into eating the things that he refuses, because it won't do any good.

So if anyone has any recipes or can give me some pointers PLEASE let me know. I would even be willing to leave my e-mail address so that you can send them. I am desprate. I don't know what to do, my tofu recepies suck! LOL...:)

~M

Nothing Much...Just Chillin'

2008-03-04T09:30:00.000-08:00

Cisco and I went to Sedona for our yearly Valentines getaway. I know that I am about a month behind when writing about it, but if you click his link then you will read all about it, so I guess there is really no need for me to do so, with the exception of me having a great time and wishing that we could do it again very soon. While we were there though Cisco let me adopt a baby...and her name is Amber. She is so soft! But I thought that it would be a great idea that while on our way home I put her up on the ledge that over looks the Hoover Dam while the sun was down. The wind blew her down and nearly tipped her over the edge. After saving her life I had Cisco hold her for this picture. It was a very unsettling feeling...lol. The kids had their Valentines dinner at school and it was the usual scream fest. All the boys chased eachother around and all the girls huddled in the bathroom or corners to talk about the boys that they liked. And there were only girls dancing, typical. But it was fun. I also got to see who it is that Olivia is madly in love with this month, well I guess it's been going on for a while, but I'm just hoping that it's not going to spell out trouble in the very near future.Other than that I guess that is the news of the month. Nothing new and exciting, exept for the inevitable garage sale since the weather is warming up around here. It will be nice to start working on things in the house with the windows open, as well as in the garage, God knows that it needs to be done and soon. So until next time...

~M

Who Wants To Go To The Adult Superstore...

2008-02-26T10:31:00.000-08:00

I called dibs on this little bit of amusing humor from Cisco.

Sunday's are our family days together...Cisco, Olivia, Anthony and I. Cisco and I decided to do a little window shopping and walking around this past Sunday. We went to Town Square, which I went to a couple of weeks ago with my mom, and we walked around. It's really neat, just like stepping into California. Well it was a little cold to be walking around outside, so we decided to go to the Venetian. There is a new shopping area connected to the Grand Canal Shops. While driving on the freeway to get there Cisco took the wrong exit...which led us going West on Spring Mountain instead of East, so while talking and driving and getting ready to make a U turn to get back on the right track, we hear Olivia spurt out..."Anyone want to go to the Adult Superstore?" Cisco and I looked at eachother and started laughing a bit...and looked over and saw that sure enough there is one right in front of us. While saying no and trying to change the subject without trying to laugh my ass off, I was wondering how long it would be until the question of what was in there or what that place was would take place. I mean it's Las Vegas and there is one of those places everywhere on that side of town. I guess I'm just happy that she said it with us in the car and not her Grammy.

~M

A Little Pick Me Up...

2008-02-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

I found this very amusing, it definately brought a smile to my face...enjoy.

~M

Keep On Smilin'...

2008-01-30T18:49:00.000-08:00

Well atleast I am trying to. I have been sick for about 1 week, it sure does just seem like a cold, but it won't go away! It's killing me that I can't do anything. I am trying to do some laundry because we have officially run out of clothes. I kinda made dinner today, I didn't go to work today, but I have to try to go tomorrow. This sucks, but when I feel better I will write some more.

~M

To The First Day...

2008-01-20T15:16:00.000-08:00

So today was the First official day of going to The gym and it was a horrible experience, I never want to do that again...lol. It's amazing that only now I really am realizing how out of shape I am. My muscles that I worked today are in a serious amount of pain but I guess that is to be expected. Over all I think I did pretty good today and dispite all of my body and mind nitrate wanting to go back tomorrow I know that I will.
M

Time To Get Out of Denial...

2008-01-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

Well I guess I have never really been in denial about my weight, but more like trying to be blind about it. I am the last person in the world that will tell you, "I'm not fat, I'm big boned" Well I do actually have a larger body frame, thanks to my grandma...but that doesn't excuse my weight right now. It started because of steroids that were being injected every three months, which made the ball roll down hill from there. Being in a relationship that makes me completely happy, and having a boyfriend tell me that he loves me and hugs me to prove it, probably didn't help either. So, I have decided that it is time to quit being a lazy biotch and get my ass on the move. I was watching The Biggest Loser this past fall and I'm watching it again, and I look at some of these women on there, and they are the same weight as me! I thought that was just gross. I mean I personally don't think that I look that big, but then someone takes a picture of me, or I get a sideways glance at myself in the mirror or in a window, and I just want to break down.

I just don't think mentally I can handle it any longer. I think one of my favorite places to go shopping is on Colorado Blvd. in Pasadena, but for the times that I have been going there, I have NEVER been able to shop in ANY of the clothing stores, there. Which makes me even more depressed now that I am remembering that. I have kept setting goals for myself, only to not follow through with them because of laziness (that's all I can really come up with). I mean working out at home is hard, there is no motivation, there is no kick ass equipment, huge t.v.'s or other people trying to achieve the same goals. So tomorrow after work I am going to 24 Hour Fitness and getting my membership. I am determined not to let anything stand in my way of this.

Now that my finances are being dealt with and I have finally grown up in that aspect I can afford it, along with paying the other bills at the end of the month. That is a great feeling, by the way. I don't think that my goals at this point are too extreme. I do want to stop shopping at the "fat girl" stores and start shopping at other places. I think my goal for right now is to get into a size 14, I am in a 18 right now, so there is some work to do but with some determination and some help from home I think I can do it. I also think that posting this for the world to see as well as my online buddies might keep me in check, I almost posted a picture, but didn't think that was going to help my self esteem get any higher so I decided against it. I will however take some at home and keep them there.

I am determined to make this a lifestyle change and not just a "I'm on a diet for now" change. Heart attacks run in my family as does Diabetes. I definately want to live a long time and without problems, so this is a good thing...for me and my kids.

Wish me luck...much love.

~M

Well Its A Little Update...

2007-12-30T22:00:00.000-08:00

well hopefully this little blog will come out just fine... Cisco gave me a real cell phone for Christmas, yay no more go phone for me! Im so excited. I am sending this blog from the phone right now trying to get the hang of the keyboard, I guess the good thing about it is that it is set up just like a computer keyboard so I am flying across this thing like a champ. There wasnt too much that was different about this christmas from others...the kids got more presents than they should have and still felt the need to complain about it... which really bothers me. So I have been warming up to the idea of Ciscos to spend next christmas in Mexico. I think that it would be good to have the kids spend it somewhere where the kids dont get as much and they are genuinely thankful for what they do get. I have the thought right now that due to the spoilings of aunts, uncles and grandparents they have in the back of their head "i wish i got more" or "what else did i get?" so we will see how the fates play out for us. I hope that we are able to do it. I hope that all of you had a great holiday with your family and friends. Happy New year to you all...make it a safe one. :)
-M

Tonight Is The Night...

2007-12-24T10:25:00.000-08:00

it's Christmas Eve and the kids are all kinds of excited. They can't help from jumping up and down in complete excitement. For me, I'm excited also, I just am a little happy that it's all over. It just gets to the point where it's a little too hectic for me. It's the jumping around and visiting everyone in the next two nights that drives me nuts, I swear we will be living in the car tonight and tomorrow, or atleast that is what it feels like. I think that I just might not come into work on Wednesday, well yeah right who am I kidding, I'm here right now. Atleast today is only a half day. But it was so hard to come into work when the house was nice and warm, the kids and Cisco were in their PJ's watching cartoons and here I am coming down the stairs going to work. That just really sucked. I'm sure I will be feeling the same way on Wednesday also. That is how it always is. No one wants to come into work on Christmas Eve as well as the day after Christmas. I think that this is a lot better though, job wise, because I remember when I worked at Mandalay how much it sucked to go to work. And at those places you don't get the holiday's off. You're actually very lucky if you do get the holiday off.

Well here is to tonight and Olivia's performance. As well as Christmas in general.

Till I see you all again...

~M

Just My Luck...

2007-12-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

Well...no luck at all. I wasn't able to get the tickets and I am quite upset by it. I thought I had a pretty good plan going for a while, but aparently not. Nice goin'...I guess I should have camped out at MGM after all. Oh well, life will go on.

On a lighter note, it's almost Christmas and the phase of people being rude, pushing into one another and cutting eachother off on the streets is nearly over. I tend to hate people in general around this time of year. It's been all blown into something that it never should have become...all about the presents. That is a shame. I mean I buy gifts for everyone too, but I can also appreciate the time of year that it is and what it means, atleast in my heart. And presents are not at the core of it. I think this year instead of letting the kids just tear into things the minute that we get downstairs, I think that we will have a prayer and give thanks for the true meaning of the day itself, and then let the shredding begin. I was thinking about that today while driving home from work and I think that would be a beautiful start to the day.

Well, I'm sure that I won't write until after this holiday so Merry CHRISTMAS...not Happy Holiday's (screw that crap), and I hope everyone is healthy and happy.

Much Love...

~M

On The Search For...

2007-12-15T11:41:00.001-08:00

Hannah Montana. I thought that it would be an awesome Christmas present for Olivia if I were to score some Hannah Montana concert tickets. Cisco just left to go to the Ticketmaster located in one of the local grocery stores and I am camped out on the computer. The tickets go on sale at noon, so I have about 20 or so minutes until I have to type faster than ever before. We said whoever got the tickets first would call the other, so that we don't buy two sets. I guess I could always sell them to one of Olivia's little friends for the price that we bought them for if that did happen. But, I don't want to go through the hassle of doing all that. I really hope that we get them, but if we don't the one good thing is that, 1. Olivia doesn't know she is coming to do a concert here and 2. She doesn't know that I'm trying to get the tickets.

It's funny because I thought this was a project that I was going to do on my own, since I came up with it and all. But at about 5:30 or 6:00 this morning Cisco was getting dressed. I couldn't figure out what the hell he was doing. I asked him and he said that he was going to the MGM to see if he could get the tickets. So believe me it's nice to have a partner in crime now with this stuff.

I hope we get them, but if not atleast I tried extremely hard. I even tried to join the fan club at $30 a year, just to get the presale code to get the tickets yesterday.

Well wish me luck and I'll eventually blog to say how it all went down.

~M

A Man Cold...

2007-12-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

Oh the truth of it all...thanks Summer!

~M

It's my birthday...(part 1)

2007-11-29T21:33:00.000-08:00

And I'll cry if I want to...well atleast I think I will if Cisco comes home tonight to tell me that he doesn't have tomorrow off. Which I would think he would since I'm pretty sure that he has known my little birthday would be on a Friday for a while. I am not officially 28 for a couple of more hours, so I have to enjoy being 27 for right now. Cause "at the stroke of 12 the spell will be broken" just as Cinderella's fairy Godmother would say.

Unfortunatly for me I have to spend my birthday trying to get the issues that I am having with my Drivers License resolved. So it's off to the Courthouse at 7:30 in the morning to see if I can work my charms. Even the lady at the DMV this evening felt bad for me. So...maybe I can make this work. Gotta go looking cute tomorrow.:)

I don't really have any plans, Olivia said that I was invited to dinner with her Grandmother and Godmother, but that all depends on if Mr. C can get the day off, if he doesn't then I will take them up on their offer. If he does then I hope that he has actually planned out the evening, I like spontinaety, but there has to be suprise on my end not on his too, he's supposed to know what we are doing. Not get in the car and then say, "So what do you wanna do?" I HATE that. I don't like that on special occasions when I'm not supposed to do the thinking and when I have told him many examples of what I would like to do for my birthday. I think that I have even given some very good examples on this blog before. Yeah, I wish I knew how to do the thing with the link so that he could click on it and see the evidence. But if you look at last November I think I did make a list.

Well when things have settled from this weekend I will write again. Saturday Cisco has the Santa Run, and I'm sure he'll post pictures for that, and I signed up to do the Walk for Autism. I think that December 1st is the day of the walks or something, because there is the Las Vegas Marathon too. But then on Sunday is Cisco's Christmas dinner for MGM Food and Beverage so it will be a busy weekend.

Adeu till then

~M

My Best Friend's Wedding...

2007-11-24T00:31:00.000-08:00

So it's has happened...my best friend Steve "Stecktacular" got married. I just never thought that it would happen, atleast not before me. But he looks happy and that makes me happy. I thought I would post some pictures. It was really fun and maybe the next wedding I see him at will be mine...cause you'll never guess who caught the bouquet...

~M

It Took Long Enough...

2007-11-16T22:24:00.000-08:00

Well I finally got around to downloading my pictures so a little history for some of them...Halloween Party, need I say more? It was a lot of fun, Anthony was Indiana Jones and Olivia was Hermione. I wonder if you can guess who I was...Alice In Wonderland, just in case :)I think this party went better than last year. I even put up a little Haunted House in the garage I was thinking for a little bit that none of the kids would go into it, but low and behold that is where they spent most of the day in there. This party was not as stressful as last year and I think that was because I pretty much knew what I was going to do. I'm sure that getting started a month early with the planning and shopping probably helped. I do always forget how much money it always costs and all the time it takes to make the food and set everything up, but it's all worth it because I know all the kids have fun.
I always give out the best prizes, so it's definitely worth coming to my parties...you know Halloween T-Shirts and other things that you normally don't get at parties, at least not any parties that I have been to. I swore that I wouldn't have a party next year, but that is what I said last year also. It's hard not to because it really is a good time.

So now that is over with and it's November already! Can you believe it? I know that I can't, and if you live in Las Vegas it doesn't feel like November at all. It is driving me crazy! It is a known fact that I hate the heat as it is and now that it's not getting cold is not a good thing for me. It's going to be a busy week, but it should all be fun. Tomorrow we leave for California to go to a party, I'm going to try and spell this correctly, a Quincenerra. Now if I didn't please don't hate me too badly and feel free to correct me (I know that Cisco will). Let's see what else...oh yeah, my best friend Steve is getting married on Wednesday, yeah the day before Thanksgiving and what was even better than this was that he called me yesterday and told me. There is a 50th Anniversary party to go to and last but not least my birthday. Oh, isn't that going to be exciting. Another year and yet no drama. How nice...:)

Well I think that it is time to go, but when all the festivities are over I will be sure to post, maybe I'll even get a chance in between things.

~M

Updates...

2007-11-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

So it's been a crazy last couple of weeks, but I have finally found my way back to the computer. (In the darkness of my office when I'm not working, but atleast I'm writing) So I'm at my mom's house right now having dinner and now that it is over I would like to go home, but I am being held prisioner until dessert is served, which should be in about 15 minutes. Yuck...I don't even feel like having any right now, I just want to go home, but oh well, just 15 minutes more to go then I shall be released.

So the Halloween party is over and November is in full swing and with it, work, a couple of birthday's to celebrate as well as my own and the holiday shopping season. I think that things are going to be pretty dry this year. I just don't have the funds to do much. I either pay bills or buy presents, let me think...uh, I guess I pick electricity and water. Silly me! It's ok though the only thing that I know Cisco and I really do want to get the kids is a Wii, but if I can't find one I'm not going to stress out and kill myself over one. I will cut one out of a magazine, put it in a box, wrap it up and then when Christmas is over the kids can come with us to pick one up. I think that would be ok also. Everything always works out, even if it's not how you planned it.

Well whenever I get around to plugging in my camera at home I will and post some pictures from the Halloween party and also talk about it a little bit.

Until we meet again...

~M

My Mommy's Birthday...

2007-10-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

Well there isn't much to tell except that it was my mommy's birthday and we went to Disneyland so here are some pictures of the trip! Enjoy.

~M

He's Home...

2007-10-10T22:32:00.000-07:00

Yay! My hunny is home. He's actually sleeping right now, and I should too since my mom is going to call me at 5am to wake me up so that she can pick us up to go to Disneyland in the morning. I swear sometimes I think she has hit the crack pipe...but I love her. It's her birthday on Saturday so it should be fun for her to spend it at Disneyland. I am going to miss my hunny since he just got back home today and now I'm leaving for 4 1/2 days. That sucks...oh well atleast I'm not flying 4 hours away! Well I will post again when I return with pictures!

~M

A Little Porn Anyone...

2007-10-09T20:03:00.000-07:00

Food Porn that is...I thought I would post the picture of the Black Forest Cake that I made for our neighbor tonight. On an even more positive note...MY HUNNY COMES HOME IN THE MORNING! Yay! I'm so excited. I'm in trouble though...I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight. I pretended to sleep when I was playing with Anthony and then actually fell asleep. Being really tired when I came home from work was the one thing that I had going for me. I mean I hope I do get to sleep. I need to look my best for him in the morning...:)

~M

So I Thought That It Was Over...Guess I Was Wrong...

2007-10-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

So I have gotten over my rage from the other day...the moment has passed and after confronting R on his lack of billing skills the issues were resolved and now I am experiencing a very relaxing not busy at all kind of day...yay.

My mother decided to leak that bonuses are coming up and from the sounds of it all of the hard work and extreme irritation will be well worth it. I certainly hope that she is right and didn't quote the opposite amount of what will actually be given. The number that she gave sounds like it would be right consitering all the hard work we have all been doing. But we will see. I almost wish I didn't drag the number out of her, just in case.

Well on the fronts of my hunny in Detroit, he has opened the new place and I only have to wait 6 more days until he returns. I think that this week is going by so slow, and I know it is because I am just awaiting his return. But soon enough I will have him in my little arms.

~M

It's Just About O~V~E~R...

2007-10-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

I have just so had my fill of Bull S@*# for today! I am so sick and tired of this stupid ass job that I have, and what is worse I am so sick and tired of R thinking that I am a complete idiot. He feels the need to talk down to me all of the time and make me feel like I am the idiot! Well guess, what! He's the moron. Good luck telling him he's wrong with something or that he has done something wrong. He turns it around and makes it someone else's fault. I think I'm about done, so if anyone is looking to hire a smart and intelligent person, please do contact me.

~M

Another Morning...Another Day...

2007-09-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

Oh bother...another morning waking up alone in a cold room. No one to keep my little feet warm, or cover me with the blankets because I have kicked them all off once again. So since there is no one to do that I wake up every few hours because I'm cold and have to fight with the dog to get off the blankets that I'm trying to pull up to my chinny chin chin to stay warm.

Feeling that I have abandoned some of my very good friends on My Space I've written a couple of them, it's just hard to try and write and say hi to everyone...maybe I'll just post a bulletin and that will take care of it, then people can read it as they wish.

Let's see what do I have to do today...um, go to JoAnne's and return some stuff. Go to Target and do the same thing. Rick is going to come over and bring the kids bikes home, so that is a good thing, they have been asking me for their bikes, but there is no way in hell I am able to bring them home in my car. He is also going to be picking up the tile cutter and I have some stuff in the car from the garage that I am taking to Goodwill because I am tired of looking at it, however, I am not telling you what it is, because I know you will tell me not to do it and that you will take care of it...and after a year and a half of hearing that about this stuff...I know it's not going to happen any time soon. I have figured out a way to place the bins in the garage so that everything is nice and happy...yay. I have to remember to keep the garage closed though so that scary guy doesn't come over and think that we're the best of friends. Maybe when I am at JoAnne's I will go and eat at Sweet Tomatoes. Dad is coming over and he's going to help me do the lawn, so I have a busy day ahead of me I guess. Time to get started...

So the house is all dressed up. I have to take some pictures and then I will post them later.

~M

It's Nearly Unbearable...

2007-09-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

I miss you...it's nearly unbearable. I nearly started to cry last night due to the overwhelming feeling of you not being near, and sometimes talking to you on the phone makes that worse. Sometimes it feels worse when I'm stressed out or tired, but when that all passes missing you is still there. I love you so much, and last night I started to think if this is what it would be like if you were not in my life. Would one passing moment of anticipating your return just move on to another and another, until I couldn't count anymore? I am so happy that I can talk to you, but then I prayed that God returned you safe to me so that I can have you in my arms and not just in my thoughts. Have I told you that I love you? Well I do, I know that you are doing this trip for the four of us, and that is good, however, I don't know how many more of these trips I can bear. When you start getting used to these trips do you lose love in a little way, to where you don't miss that person as much anymore and just think of it as a matter of duty to the family? I hope that isn't the case, but I guess you just hear of these couples where the other one is gone all of the time for work. Yeah, they have a nice and stable career, a nice home, fancy clothes, but is the same love still there from the stay at home mom taking the kids to their 38 weekly activities to keep the real lonliness away? I know that won't become us, but it was just a thought I had last night while laying in bed alone. I miss you and I love you and I can't wait for you to come home...

and yes...

14 more days.

~M

On This Fine Day...

2007-09-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

Well this is just as fine a day as any. It's sunny, breezy, and cool. I would have to check, but it has to be in the mid 80's or something. It's really nice, no kids, but there is a dog with an attitude problem as well as some lizards. But I thought I would put up the picture of Lulu sticking her tounge out for the world to see.

There really hasn't been much going around here. I am still deciding if I am going to go to a dinner at the Stirling Club tonight with the Company. I guess I could hang out with my mom since she is going. I know what I am going to wear if I do go so atleast that isn't a problem. I think I might take a nap in a minute though, just because I can, and that is if the dog will let me. I swear it's like having a 2 year old all over again. Whatever she can fit into her mouth she will and try to eat it. She has tried to eat the lizards but was not successful.

Well if I do go tonight I will post some pictures for all to see. Which reminds me I have to go and get some more face powder, I'm all out.

Well my love, I am sure that I will talk to you later and since you are in a room that has all of the pleasures of home now (minus me and the kids) I'm sure you will be reading this later today. But, I thought I would throw in a picture of me and Lulu in bed...I'm sure that you are highly jealous of this, but just remember she can't take your place...she's too furry...lol. Also, remember how I told you that she went and had her very first beauty salon experience? Well, doesn't she look so cute? I thought that she did anyway, my mom had to brush out the top of her head, I guess I should have take the picture with the bow in her head for you to see. It was really cute, it was orange and yellow and had two little pearls in it, it was a Halloween bow. I think next time I will only have them put on the pink bandana, since the rubberbands got caught in her hair. I love you and misses your kisses...

~M

Empty Spots...

2007-09-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

Oh, my...how I wish I was in bed right now with someone other than a pillow laying next to me. I do have to admit that it is nice to spread out across the whole bed when I get into it, but when I wake up in the morning I am in my usual "spot". It's funny how that gets pounded into your head and even when the other person isn't there you still have a way of shifting into what you're used to. The same goes with the kitchen table. C has the best spot if we want to watch something while we are eating and the kids know it too, so every once and a while they will fight over his spot so that they can see the cartoons in the morning. However, at night when it is time for us to sit down, I sit in my usual spot staring at Anthony and Olivia. It feels so empty with no one next to me, but whats funny is that C only eats dinner with us maybe 2 times a week as it is, maybe I'm just missing those 2 nights a week.

Regardless my brain is not used to all the extra space that usually gets filled up around 1 in the morning Sunday thru Thursday and 6am Friday and Saturday. Instead it stays empty with the exception of a little pupper that has grown accustomed to his "spot" she's not the same (a little hairy and has a wet nose a lot of the time) but the warmth and excitement to see me awake in the mornings is nice.

~M

Here I Go Again...

2007-09-17T21:15:00.000-07:00

So I will begin this post as I usually do for right now...I misses my hunny...:( Well I wrote down on my desk calendar how many more days till he comes home and the count is at 23 more days...Bucky Katt doesn't like that one bit, but I'm sure it will be nice when he comes home...oh the appreciation that we will have for eachother...I think it might be more now than ever, not that it wasn't pretty high up there when we are together, but I think things are put into perspective when you are away from the one that you love. So there, now you know...I told ya I loved ya! :) lol

Well just in case there isn't anyone out there that doesn't know about the fires in San Bernadino (I think I spelled that right) I thought I would let you in on a little bit of what the Summerlin side of Las Vegas looked like Saturday morning when we all woke from our slumber...
I thought that was bad, but it looked really strange when you would see all the black smoke and then see the beautiful blue sky. What was a real shame is that other than the smoke it was a beautiful day.It has certainly cooled down here at night. I have opened up all of the windows upstairs and it's not hot at all in here. I do have to remember to turn the air up, but I don't think it will make a difference if I don't, it's so cold downstairs it registered at about 73 degrees when I looked last. Olivia swore that she didn't need her window open, but I told her that if she didn't want to be like a Thanksgiving Day turkey right of the oven in the middle of the night that she should.

Well quite personally I can't think of anything more to talk about so I think I will call it a night...I will leave you with this little love token that the kids and I threw together...

~M

The Things We Said Today...

2007-09-16T15:44:00.000-07:00

So I was hoping that this day wouldn't be or atleast "feel" like it has been taking forever...but it has, begining with the dog waking me up at 7am. Atleast I called you though to wake you up and let you sit there wondering why you were awake at that ungodly hour.

Like I said this morning it was pretty cold outside...I was ready to go back in by the time I had just set foot outside the door. The kids are going to have to wear small sweaters on their way to school this coming week I think. Instead of going to Winchells for breakfast this morning Anthony and I went out to Einsteins Bagels and ate out on the patio, we both looked at the newspaper, me at the coupons and sales and Anthony at the Comics. We went to go and feed BJ's dogs and then went to Target to stock up on some more Halloween stuff for the party...speaking of which, I am officially done with the invitations and I put together the bags for the Auction. I think that the first Friday in October is when I will send the kids to school with their invitations. Remember how I was thinking about mailing them so that no one's feelings got hurt or anything, well I decided against that. I'm sure there are plenty of kids that have parties and hand out invitations and Anthony and Olivia aren't invited and they don't come home crying about it. And if they do get upset I guess this is a good time to learn about disappointment and how life isn't fair...I suppose anyway. I just don't want to spend all that money on stamps, I've spent enough as it is to make this a killer party. We will have to go to Smart and Final, Rick told me that they have the black tarp stuff to put up for the haunted house. I also need to go and buy a couple of black lights.

So anyways, the lizards are outside still and I think that they will stay out there for a while...when I felt how cold it was this morning I was thinking about bringing them back inside, but then I decided against it. The little bastards can stay out there a little bit longer, it's nice outside. I have to type some stuff up for work tonight, but I am wondering if I should do it now, since there is light up here and all. I need to buy a light for this corner, because when I work at night I can't see a damn thing.

I hope that you are having fun at the Football game and not drinking too much like you did lastnight. I hate when you drink too much, because I don't like talking to you on the phone then, I know that you won't remember anything that I say or we say and I can't tell if whatever does come out of your mouth is sincere or not....this doesn't only apply to when you are out of town, this counts for when you are here also.

It's back to the grind again tomorrow, work, school and way too many activities to try and keep up with. I am about at my wits end with it all. Here is the schedule this week and every week there after...

Monday ~ 5:00 - 6:00 ~ Oliva's Church Choir
Tuesday ~ 5:00 - 6:30 ~ Oliva's Ballet (the one good thing about this is that Sandy takes her.
Wednesday ~ 6:30 - 7:30 ~ Anthony's Cub Scouts
Thursday ~ 5:00 - 6:30 ~ Olivia's Ballet (Sandy again)
Friday ~ ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! I swear, eventhough I don't have to take Olivia it's still draining, probably because it's still such a full schedule for everyone...and don't forget that on Tuesday and Thursday mornings I have to drop Olivia off at school for Choir at 8:00am. I can't wait till you get back so you can do that one. I do everything else already with them. I always thought that when I had kids homework and cooking dinner was going to be the hard part of everything, I didn't even think about the whole extracurricular activities thing. I am so ready for them to drive now, so they can take themselves to all this stuff. There is my complaining about stuff for the week while you aren't here. I'm sure that there will be something else next week.

You don't know how happy I am that you are coming back on the 10th though. I hope that you were telling the truth with that one. I know that I am leaving at 6am the next morning for 4 days but atleast I can see you for one night. Now that I think about it...I don't know if it is a good idea that you are coming back a day before I leave...I don't know if I will want to go. I bet that you are going to tell me something like, "Well I have to work on the 11th anyways, so you wouldn't see me anyways...you know how I live, eat and breathe my job..huh huh huh" So I guess it doesn't make much of a difference. Atleast you will be able to take Anthony and Olivia to school the next morning.

Well I guess I will write more to you later so that I don't run out of things for you.

Love you hunny bunch...

~M

Just Like Starting Over...

2007-09-15T21:29:00.000-07:00

Our life together is so precious together
We have grown, we have grown
Although our love is still special
Let's take a chance and fly away somewhere alone

It's been too long since we took the time
No-one's to blame, I know time flies so quickly
But when I see you darling
It's like we both are falling in love again
It'll be just like starting over, starting over

Everyday we used to make it love
Why can't we be making love nice and easy
It's time to spread our wings and fly
Don't let another day go by my love
It'll be just like starting over, starting over

Why don't we take off alone
Take a trip somewhere far, far away
We'll be together all alone again
Like we used to in the early days
Well, well, well darling

It's been too long since we took the time
No-one's to blame, I know time flies so quickly
But when I see you darling
It's like we both are falling in love again
It'll be just like starting over, starting over

Our life together is so precious together
We have grown, we have grown
Although our love is still special
Let's take a chance and fly away somewhere

Starting over

(Just Like) Starting Over ~ John Lennon

I was listening to this in the car today and was thinking how true it is...
I miss you terribly and love you completely...forever.

~M

Calling You...

2007-09-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

There's something that I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
you'll never take that away

And if I said a hundred times before
expect a thousand more
you never take that away

Well expect me to be
calling you to see
if you're ok when I'm not around
asking if you love me
I love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do I try too hard to make you smile
to make a smile

Well I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleepin' are you dreamin' and
if you're dreamin' are you dreamin' of me
I can't believe
you actually picked...me

I thought that the world had lost its sway
(it's so hard sometimes)
then I fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away
(its not so difficult, the world is not so difficult)
you take away the old
show me the new
and I feel like I can fly
when I stand next to you
so what if I'm on this phone
a hundred miles from home
I take the words you gave
and send them back to you

I only want to see
if you're ok when I'm not around
asking if you love me
I love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do I try too hard to make you smile
to make a smile

I will keep calling you to see
if you're sleepin' are you dreamin' and
if you're dreamin' are you dreamin' of me
I can't believe
you actually picked...me

Calling You ~ Blue October
~M

Our Conclusion of Day 3...

2007-09-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

So I tried to upload a picture of me and Lulu that Olivia took a minute ago and I couldn't do it on my laptop...for some reason the PC is saying that I am not connected to the Internet and I don't feel like messing with it, I can't see well enough with the light that I don't have over the computer anyway, so it will have to wait till tomorrow. Lu is going through her night crazies and messing with the couch, trying to bite it and then running away. Anthony is folding his clothes and they are both watching the "Tarzan" movie.

We walked over to the school to sign Anthony up for the Boy Scouts thing, but I read the paper wrong, I thought it was tonight at 6:30, but it's not till tomorrow night. That means we can't go, so Anthony will have to ask Nora for the paperwork since we will not be able to go. I have to pick up Olivia from Ballet so it's out of the question. We walked to the park and decided that we would go and see Sandy, and then on the way there we remembered that she had gone out of town, so then we just went to the park and played for a little bit...I tried calling you earlier because I couldn't remember if tomorrow was recycling day or not, I don't see any other bins out, but I thought that since it wasn't last week that it would be this one...I don't know about the trash days, this part is all new to me...ya know that's your job :) I hope that recycling is soon though, you would think that our garage is a personal cardboard and paper factory.

So I hope that you have had a productive day...less the going out and partying tonight, that's probably why you won't answer your phone...:)

I finally cleaned up the mess on the desk and all of your mail is sitting in a Valentines Day bag...that way it looks fun and festive for you when you open it. I can't believe that the end of the week is already here. It seemed to go by very fast...I think you should go out of town more often, my mom offered to come over to the house and help me pick up this weekend, she must feel sorry for me. I should go into work looking all dirty and scruffy, you know since you are the one that bathes me and brushes my hair everyday...since the general consensus is that I am not able to brush my teeth without you being in the house and god forbid pick up and clean it. Lol.

Well hopefully you will call in a little while and say good night to us like you promised...

~M

P.S. Of course I grabbed the mouse for the PC and got mad at the computer because it wouldn't move on the laptop screen...what a dork. Atleast I didn't walk into the wrong bathroom :)

Closure of day 2...

2007-09-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

Well with the kids tucked tightly into bed, Jenny gone and trying to figure out what the dog did in another room when I wasn't in there it is pretty quiet around here. I can feel a small bit of depression setting in from missing you. I want to call you to hear your voice, and I know I will tomorrow, but I am so used to talking to you before I go to bed at night that the thought of not doing so this night makes me want to stay up until about 4 in the morning so that I can talk to you then. But, enough with me day dreaming...

It's been a good day all around and the fact that I didn't have to pick up Anthony from school made it better. I was able to get 7 hours in as opposed to the 6 I would have if I left. I probably would have been able to work longer if Anthony didn't need my help with home work. When he was about done my mom and I went to the fabric store and got the stuff for my costume...I hope it turns out the way I think it will. I would hate to be the slutty Alice if it doesn't fit proper...I know you wouldn't mind, but I'm sure that parents would. :)

Nothing overly exciting happened today...pretty boring, after picking Olivia up I found out from her teacher that her character shoes don't fit, so I will either go with her to Capezio this weekend or tell Sandy and she can do it. Sandy invited me to the Ballet Under The Stars and I said ok, until I remembered I promised my dad I would make him a birthday dinner at the house. I figured that it's the least that I could do since he is going to help me with the lawn so I don't have to chop my hand off trying to start the lawn mower. I think he is looking forward to it. There won't be any kids, which sucks because it would be nice for them to see him on his birthday, but we can talk and do things in the yard, have a beer, ya know...Saturday stuff.

I think I will be going out on Friday...I don't know what in the hell I'm going to do, but the thought of coming home to this house is not appealing...but then I have the dog don't I?

As before missing you bunches doesn't really hit until bed time because then I have run out of things to do...I mean last night, I washed every last dish, washed clothes and even filled up the kids water bottle things the night before and put them in the fridge so that they would be extra cool even with the frozen ice thing in there. I guess staying busy keeps the thought of you away for a little while.

Until tomorrow my love...

~M